And so the ex resurfaces ....

[Staples 29]

Sorry if I ramble but please read…

 

So I was at a festival all weekend long; on Saturday I get a message on FB from my ex (broke up with me 3.5 months ago) saying it had been a while and how was I. *Shock* I didn’t expect it at all. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t ever look my way and that probably was his plan because he’s sent me a message on FB as opposed to texting me- probably deleted my number.

 

So I know he didn’t want to be in a relationship – never mind that he was the one who kept pushing and I was holding back. After the breakup which he handled badly but we left it on nice terms sort of till he ignored my call and text message and I left it at that. I know he’s been having sex and being promiscuous and yes I stalked him once in a while and he kept harping about how he couldn’t handle a relationship because of the hurt and yaddy yaddy wack wack. Basically became a jerk – I think my niceness rubbed off on him when we were together. He was amazing then and we were very close.

 

Anyway… recently his mom was in a coma and I think she came out of it; don’t know anything now. When I got the message I was suitably rattled and then tried to check his FB and Twitter just to get a feel for why he was contacting me. He’s closed his twitter account and made his FB private He has always been to open with his social network and quite dependent on it (which was something I never appreciated as I am intensely private) so I know something serious must have prompted this change

 

I ignored the FB message because I really didn’t know what to say. Same festival on Sunday, guess who I see there- Yes, him. Thankfully I saw him from behind and side profiles so we never came face to face and I pretended (rather well according to my friend) like I didn’t see him. I think he saw me and probably hid (or avoided me) I still managed to have an amazing time. I think I am 90% over him. I've become an even better person so I feel good about myself.

 

I have decided to reply basically being polite and asking outright what he wants (I need help with a polite way to ask what he wants). I’m in the head space where I know we don’t have a future so I can deal with whatever it is.

 

So phrasing help people and just general thoughts

[markie6]

Are you happy with being just friends ? I appreciate you are asking.. how to ask him what he wants , but what do you actualy want. You mention 90% healed and know you don't have a future with him, seem to be healthy and moving along so maybe I am asking a question you have purposely tried to avoid us asking ? , meant in a nice way of course

[Staples 29]

Thanks for replying soon.

 

That is true. I don’t know what I want. But I want to know what he wants. He wouldn’t reach out to me if it wasn’t important (or maybe I will find out he has no iota of respect in himself if he’s just trying to find out if I am there as a backup plan. But he knows me too well – A lion’s pride has nothing on mine and he knows I am doing fine). I’m just curious as to what he wants; why he’s changed everything all of a sudden. I know he care (d) about me – that much he told his friends.

 

I care about him and I don’t mind being friends. I just wish he hadn’t left it this long. I would have acknowledged him on Sunday but it would have been awkward with the ignored message. The way I see it if I reply politely and ask what he wants he’ll show his true intentions anyhow in his reply (or lack thereof)

[markie6]

yeah it's obviously trickier to formulate a message , when we actualy need to know what you intend to get out of it , for example .... if you knew what he wanted... would it help you work out what you want ?

 

Do you see what I am getting at ? If you are happy to just be friends, then you can word it a certain way .. if you had an inkling that if he blinks first... you may have other thoughts... non friends or otherwise ?

 

If you only want to be friends , then it's an easy , how are you , what do you want stranger ?

 

I would, if I were you , work out what you want as you have come this far , and seem healthy. The risks of re-opening old wounds are there, if you are having other thoughts...

 

A moved on , indifferent person probably wouldn't need to ask here, so I sense your uncertainty and respect that. So if you want to be friends.. then it's pretty straight forward. If you wanted nothing at all to do with him, for the upset he caused, then the reply is silence. My guess is it's ... what if... he wants...without trying to show your cards ? So....

[Staples 29]

I see your point. Yea I want to be friends and maybe I am a bit guilty of missing intimacy but I’m not going to rush into anything. I like the ‘stranger..’ line but I don’t want to make it easy for him. Or better yet I want to know that he wouldn’t mind working hard to reconnect with me. I don’t know if you see what I mean. I’m not against second chances (in this case platonic) but I think one has to earn it. If I go flat out polite and he thinks ‘well I acted really stupid so I deserve this but I will still try to make it work’ that’s good. If his indicated reaction to a polite message is ‘this is too much work’ then yea he can stay wherever the hell he is.

 

To give some background; he’s the closest I have ever been to someone. I am very private and somehow even if it took time he would get me to talk through my problems. I was closer to him in 5 months than with my ex of 4.5 years in terms of sharing things. Essentially, he was perfect (in his imperfections) to me; he is exactly my type (looks wise) and he used to say the sex we had was probably the best of our lives – we were just very compatible. He was also able to push and encourage me… had the right pep talk to knock some sense into me whenever I was doubtful etc. but then the break up mishap happened

 

On his part he has had a lot to deal with – growing up in adoption homes (his father has been absent; and I know that has affected him a lot); first love cheated on him and left him for someone else etc. So he has abandonment issues and would rather leave than be left. But I am firm believer in life throws rubbish at you but you have to learn to deal with it – and not by screwing anyone else up.

 

So in essence it’s almost a kindred spirit thing where two of us relate on a very good level (well, used to)

 

BTW you're a star Markie6

[markie6]

Ok so friends for now and see what happens.... ignoring might send the wrong message , if you want him to reply... then it needs to be open ended , so there is the opportunity for him to reply if he wants,

 

" a facebook message and not a text ? deleted my number did ya ?" playful... and yet questioning.... please be mindful I am not encouraging mind games with this , it's frowned upon for good reason as it nearly always gets messy and I hate seeing anybody messed with.

 

I can talk to every ex, except from the recent one, that is par for the course, sooner or later they either get in touch with me, or me with them, sometimes inadvertently. Now I suggest proceding with extreme caution... as the risks are obvious to everybody, you could get hurt again if it goes well for a while and then bad again. Ok that's the health warning out of the way

 

Make him work a little for it , sounds good, if he want's to be friends , and you do too.... then be mindful of the past , and careful with the future. I don't want you getting hurt....so weigh up those risks before proceding...

[Silverbirch]

Having read you other posts on this thread and knowing that you are wanting to be open to reconciliation, you might consider just mirroring back his contact with you. Just keep it brief, nothing deep and meaningful. If you go over to Al Turtle's site, he has advice on appropriate levels of contact and how to word your emails.

[Staples 29]

Thanks guys...

 

I never knew about Al Turtle's website. I'll look it up.

 

How does this sound, "Well this was unexpected. Yes it has a been a while. I’m all fine and dandy, thank you. I’m guessing you’re alright."

 

 

I think that is as polite as I can get w/out either being harsh or sounding eager; and also enough for him to continue a conversation if he wanted? Yes/No

 

I love this forum btw.

[markie6]

? on the end... it's actualy important if we want people to think...we are asking a question...and not guessing hes ok , we are indeed asking , sneakilly maybe.. but asking

 

turtles site is good , as is baggage reclaim

Thanks guys...

 

I never knew about Al Turtle's website. I'll look ity up.

 

How does this sound,

 

"Well this was unexpected.

Yes it has a been a while. I’m all fine and dandy, thank you. I’m guessing you’re alright."

 

 

I think that is as polite as I can get w/out either being harsh or sounding over eager; and also enough for him to continue a conversation if he wanted? Yes/No

 

I love this forum btw.

[leftme]

"Yeah, I'm doing well, hope you are too."

[Staples 29]

Ah I see. Noted. Thanks guys!

 

I decided on "Yes it has been a while. I’m fine, thank you. I’m guessing you’re alright…. "

 

Four dots should be plenty open ended enough if he wants to talk

 

I'll send the message and leave it at that

[Silverbirch]

Thanks guys...

 

I never knew about Al Turtle's website. I'll look it up.

 

How does this sound, "Well this was unexpected. Yes it has a been a while. I’m all fine and dandy, thank you. I’m guessing you’re alright."

 

 

I think that is as polite as I can get w/out either being harsh or sounding eager; and also enough for him to continue a conversation if he wanted? Yes/No

 

I love this forum btw.

 

What did he post in his original message to you? I wouldn't say anything about unexpected, and would keep it very simple. I agree that "I'm fine hanks and hope you are too" is good. Also I think Al Turtle mentions just throwing in something very neutral like to do with the weather or such as well.