Suffering a lot.

[cadmiumblue]

So. I'm a 28 year old woman. No relationship experience whatsoever, never been on a date. Never kissed.

 

I id as pansexual, meaning I have the potential to be attracted to anyone regardless of gender...it's sort of hard to explain, but if someone needs me to elaborate I can.

 

I'm still suffering horribly over my ex best friend removing herself from my life. Six years later. I was really in love with her and wanted us to be together. I'm not as hurt by her not feeling the same as I am by her just abandoning me the way she did.

 

I just can't get over her. I had a breakdown. I sobbed after visiting her facebook page. I've called her (found her phone # on the internet), added her on facebook, found her twitter, tried to find everything I can. I've thought about writing her a letter, anything to make her tell me why, how, she could have hurt me like this.

 

It seems like she never cared about me and has moved on just fine from our friendship. Since it was her choice to end things and not mine, I guess that makes sense. I was the one blindsided, not her.

 

I still dream of things working out between us, us being friends again. I haven't spoken to her in nearly seven years, you would think I'd have the sense to move on. I guess the basic point of what I'm trying to say is that this is not a situation that's common.

 

I'm still heartbroken after 6.5 years...and I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it because I wasn't completely out of the closet. So it's been really ****ty.

 

I'm just scared I'll always feel like this, living in the hope that she'll come back, even though common sense and everything else points to that being a completely ridiculous notion.

 

I don't know what to do. I just can't get over her!

 

I have all those horrible ex feelings and no relationship to even remember, since all we ever were was friends.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this, I wish I could just forget her but I can't. I can't have her back and I can't forget about her, what the **** can I do? (excuse my language, I'm just completely ...I don't even know)

 

Edit: I feel this may have been posted in the wrong place..but I don't really think it belongs in friendships. Again, this is kind of a unique and terrible situation. It's not a breakup, it's not a friendship ending, it has elements of both and neither. If this needs to be moved, I apologize for posting in the wrong place.

[cadmiumblue]

Can someone delete this? It seems like nobody is going to respond, perhaps because of my username. I apologize.

[Kaytie]

Hi there,

 

I'm really sorry you're in such pain. I know you mentioned that you haven't talked to anyone about this becauseou weren't really out of the closet. What about now - do you have people to talk to about this? Have you ever tried a counsellor to help with dealing with the loss? Usually grief has its stages and if we get 'stuck' in a stage then it is often an indicator to get help. From what you've described, you are stuck 6.5 years later and still heartbroken and haven't been able to move on, so I'd definitely recommend speaking to a professional. Do you have a social circle you can lean on?

[cadmiumblue]

Hi there,

 

I'm really sorry you're in such pain. I know you mentioned that you haven't talked to anyone about this becauseou weren't really out of the closet. What about now - do you have people to talk to about this? Have you ever tried a counsellor to help with dealing with the loss? Usually grief has its stages and if we get 'stuck' in a stage then it is often an indicator to get help. From what you've described, you are stuck 6.5 years later and still heartbroken and haven't been able to move on, so I'd definitely recommend speaking to a professional. Do you have a social circle you can lean on?

 

Unfortunately, no, not doing too good on the friends front, either. I think if I had friendships I would feel less like a loser and all of this would be less unbearable. I've dealt with a lot of rejection, platonic and romantic.

 

I saw two therapists but it really didn't help much.

 

I think what made things harder was that before I told my friend how I felt about her, I foolishly assumed she and I would be together so I came out to all my family and a few friends. This made it so I had to deal with the coming out process and heartbreak at the same time.

 

It's a wonder I even survived.

 

I also wonder if I can change my username...it wasn't my intention to alienate anyone or offend. I think I was just in a weird mood when I registered...or really angry, which shouldn't be surprising...I registered a year ago and for whatever reason just never posted.

[cadmiumblue]

I created this new username...apologies again to anyone who I may have offended...

[Heather Dawn]

I feel like you need some extensive therapy to deal with whatever it is that has caused you to be so isolated. You have no friends, you're obsessed with the idea of "the one who got away" six years ago - despite it never having even been an actual romantic relationship - and you sound terribly lonely and sad. You've tried therapy twice before, but perhaps they weren't the right therapists for you. Have you tried group therapy? You may be able to find people with whom you can relate, while also learning how to interact with people on a social level.

 

Good luck, honey.

 

PS - Good for you on coming out, regardless of the reasons why you did it. Embrace who you are.

[cadmiumblue]

Thank you.