Do you need to forgive to move on?

[Shadow415]

Hey so I have a question. Do you need to forgive the person with whom you had a relationship with before you can truly heal yourself.

My story dated a girl for 7 mo. its now been 6 mo since break up. In the beginning stages of breakup i blamed my self and she did also. She accused me of talking badly about her (which i think she blew out of proportion just to justify what she did). So a months passed by and I began email w/ her back and forth I apologized for a lot of stuff that happened in the relationship (these were minor things which anyone in a relationship has done). She responded but never admitted anything herself. Then I started sending her cards for holidays as they came. I made her a hand made 3D 4th of july card that took a lot of time, and various other things. All hand made with no monetary value. I did not expect anything in return and I never got angry nor upset for her ignoring those or saying very little in response. I then for the year of when we first went out sent her a box again of hand made stuff all sentimental (things we shared together). She responded all by email why why why.. I sent her obvious clues that I still wanted to be with her and I would like to give it another go. But she waited until I eventual told her i still loved her and sent her a really long heartfelt email. She responded that she was deeply in love with her BF and to stop all communication. 3 weeks later she calls tells me to thank me for the gifts and my letter was beautiful. Oh BTW she opened all that stuff in front of her MOM. Seems like a total ego booster. I said nothing but thanks. Then she emails me we should go for a hike. 3 days later i say lets do it. she responds she will be with her BF and unavailable. Yesterday I see her at the supermarket smiling with a guy. I was crushed and I dont think she saw me. I realized now that she probably left me for the one shes with now. I was blinded by love and didn't see the ques. I also realize she manipulates me to get my attention only to satisfy herself. I carry this uneasy hate for her which i do not want to. Do I need to forgive her in order to move on? I have stopped all communication with her. And if she calls on my bday should i answer?

thanks guys for the advice.

[bw92116]

She's just playing games with you, very cruel games in fact. Why she's doing it, I can't say. Maybe just for the ego boost.

It's disrespectful to you and it proves to me that she doesn't love you. She's just using you for whatever stupid reason.

You are right to stop all communication with her. You should not talk to her, text her, anything. And if she calls you should not answer.

Because nothing good can come of it for you. It would be just more games she's playing and eventually more pain for you.

Don't give or send her anything, ever again. I'd even go so far as to change your phone number if you can.

(But make sure to get all the phone numbers of people you still want to talk to off your phone first.)

You don't need this idiotic game she's playing with you. It's only keeping you in pain. You need to walk away from this whole thing.

Take the time to heal, recover, restore your sense of self and rediscover your own life.

And when you're ready to, find someone new to love who will love you back.

 

As for your question of forgiveness: my answer is yes, forgive her in your mind and in your heart. But don't tell her anything about it.

The forgiveness is for you only, as a part of your healing process. She has nothing to do with it, so do not express any forgiveness to her.

Expressing forgiveness to her in any way, is simply continuing the relationship and the cruel games she is playing. Forgive her in your heart and mind, and stop there.

[Shadow415]

Thank you BW for the advice. Somethings are plain to see to others. Your advice will help me. Thanks again

[bw92116]

You're welcome. It's all just my opinion. You decide what is best for you of course. I hope you feel better soon.

[Abigaelle]

I agree with BW.

You also me mentiinner that you told her that you're sorry about a few things that had happened.

What I think is that you also need to forgive Yourself and accept the fact that you did everything you could and you pushed your limits, it didn't work and that is... ok.

It's not about you. It's about how life doesn't turn the way we want.

Good luck

[Irishag33]

I agree with everyone here. I am going through the exact same thing, questioning if I need to forgive him and I do, in order to move on. Like bw said, forgive in your heart but don't say a word to her. I'm also sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry that there are such cruel people out there that can hurt others with no remorse. You're being strong and you will get past this. Karma is a beautiful thing btw

[Sportster2005]

Yes. Lingering resentment and anger won't have any effect on her, but it will wear you down. She doesn't have to know you've forgiven her. The forgiving is for you, not her.

 

Do not answer her calls or have any contact.

[RedDress]

It does sound pretty schizophrenic the way she is asking for no contact one day and the next calling you to thank you for the gifts and letter. Actually - the thing that came to my mind is that - are you sure her bf doesn't have access to her email account?

 

In any case, she has a bf. Now is the time to leave her alone.

 

Personally, I don't think you have to forgive her. You do, however, find a way not to actively be mad at her (because being angry takes up energy). You have to get to a place where you are indifferent. I guess to me the distinction is... you don't have to be ok with what happened (forgiveness)... you do have to accept what happened (because you can't change it and dwelling on it will do you no good).

[DerekJason]

i didnt read any words in here, but to answer the title, yes it is imperative. funny thing is, with the ex before last, i was very angered with her afterwards, we didnt speak or anything. Two years later i get an email, and a friend request from her, we had some convos, she actually apologized for just up and splittin, and THAT is when i realized i didnt even care about how bad she hurt me. i accepted her apology and the convo continued. Long story short, i had forgiven her prior to her apology and didn't even realize it.