If dumper avoids contact, does it mean he/she is still hurting?

[Maroon]

Hi everyone. Great to be here. Would appreciate your insights.

 

In your own experience, when your partner dumps you and avoids communication afterwards, what does that mean? Does it mean he/she simply doesn't want you? Does it mean he/she is still hurting?

 

My girlfriend for seven months left me due to jealousy and possessiveness on both our parts. I have been in LC and NC alternately. I genuinely want to try friendship and reconnecting with the ex. However, she has avoided communication. I'm puzzled. Your thoughts?

[marona]

No it doesn't mean he/she is still hurting, I would take it as a hint that he/she doesn't want anything to do with you, and neither a friendship. Maybe because she knows that is best for you, or simply because she is a bit angered when thinking about the past, or because she just feels awkward. Generally I don't think it means the person is hurting, unless it ended on very bad terms, and the person is using silent treatment - but that will eventually fade into desperate messages, so it should be clear to see the differences..

I think it's best you leave her/him alone, the person is doing you a favor by letting you heal - that way, if you wish, you can get contact with the person sooner without any anger involved, or any bad emotions.

[mhowe]

Jealousy and possessiveness on both your parts?

 

No -- she is not hurting. She is angry, and doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

And you are being unrealistic to think you can go back to friendship when, as a couple, you couldn't feel secure.

[Maroon]

Thanks marona. I suppose in such cases, it's best to go completely NC right?

[Maroon]

Thanks mhowe. You're right. When it happens, there is anger involved. The ex admitted being angry at first, but later said the anger has subsided. Thanks again.

[WilliamBlake]

There are many different possible answers to this. Without knowing the entire situation, there is no way of any of us knowing. Reasons for an ex not contacting can include them wanting nothing to do with you due to anger or resentment, or they can be feeling shame and guilt and don't want to have to look at themselves too closely. They could have met someone else and don't want you around with that other person in the picture. They also could have deep issues such as narcissistic personality disorder, fear of intimacy, sociopathy, etc.

 

In other words, there are many possibilities and, we as readers of your post have no way of determining the answer. It took me about nine months of reading and counseling to discover the reason behind my ex not wanting to communicate. Knowing that now is helping me move on, albeit on a slower path than I would like.

 

It probably has a lot more to do with her than it does you, so try to not beat yourself up about it.

[Maroon]

Thanks WilliamBlake! Very enlightening and well written response. If you don't mind me asking, what was the reason your ex avoided communication? Was it total avoidance?

[GrowingUp85]

Maroon,

 

For what it's worth, I know what a hard time you're having. My ex left me a bunch of breadcrumbs, then went completely silent. I made the mistake of trying to contact her multiple times. Don't do that. It'll be hard, but you need to respect that decision, even if you don't understand it.

[WilliamBlake]

Maroon,

 

I could not figure out his lack of contact with me for the longest time. At first, I was convinced he had a tremendous amount of shame and guilt about the way he left me. It took much reading, counseling, and general work on myself to realize he showed zero empathy and compassion towards me and there was no remorse evident. This is a difficult thing to come to terms with.

 

I am very good friends with my ex previous to the last one, and he would have never ignored my attempts to communicate. I think the difference is one of maturity and the fact that I am now convinced he is a sociopath/narcissist. I could go into great detail about what has led me and my counselors to this conclusion. I was not like a desperate ex by any means and he manipulated, played games, didn't respond to my attempts to contact. Some of these had to do with him getting his things out of my house and some had to do with me wanting to talk with him. I could not even begin to imagine treating someone this way whom I called the "love of my life."

 

Oh well, I guess we learn from these experiences and get stronger and smarter going forward.

[Maroon]

Very interesting. I guess if we found out that our exes are indeed narcissists, we could see the break up as a blessing. Hope you're doing fine now.