Sometimes the dumper DOES come back..

[bw92116]

I agree that if the dumpee feels the need to punish the dumper or "teach them a lesson" then they're not really over it. The goal is indifference towards the dumper.

[gtnovru]

If the dumper did the dumping in an honest, respectful way, then no, they didn't do anything wrong.

 

But a lot of dumpees, including myself were treated very badly when broken up with. That's the kind of dumper I'm talking about.

[gtnovru]

And when I said I want to kick my ex to the curb, if he comes back. The "curb" IS indifference. The reply would be "sorry, I think the break-up was for the best. Good luck to you".

[1st Love]

I agree that if the dumpee feels the need to punish the dumper or "teach them a lesson" then they're not really over it. The goal is indifference towards the dumper.

 

So true, but gaining indifference towards someone who you've had such deep feelings towards is one of the hardest things.

[Avila]

I think it's different for every situation. I know for my own the break- up occurred because of his own internal weaknesses and not because the relationship was unsound or even that his feelings had changed. it made it really frustrating, especially when he treated me atrociously when i didn't deserve it in the slightest. i have a lot of love for him and time gives perspective but we are all only human and sometimes it's good to be able to give someone a taste of their own medecine. i know my ex is going to come slinking back at some point and it really angers me that he put us through this. i think that's where some of these sentiments come from, especially from ppl who know it's only a matter of time. to be deprived of a life spent with someone you love deeply, especially when the situation was both ridiculous and salvagable is frustrating as hell.

[RGS]

I do understand where you're coming from as my ex did the same and u fully expect him to come back in time. We had a good relationship he just needed to communicate what he was feeling so we could resolve it but instead he freaked out and broke up with me (in a respectable way). When he comes back I know I will feel ambivalent because it hurts that he had to do this but I hope I have the strength to resist being angry at him as he really has only treated me with the utmost respect.

 

Where the dumper has been disrespectful though I understand. One of my exes just completely disappeared on me abd then I found out he'd been cheating. I have no respect for him but i do have the moral victory that he has to live with his own cowardice and the guilt that everyone knows what he did. I probably will see that ex next year at a friend's wedding for the first time in 5 years and I'm not looking forward to it!

[Avila]

^ same sitch but he ended up being extremely disrespectful so i harbour a lot of anger and feelings of betrayal and abandonment. and just bewilderment, really.

 

oh gosh, awful seeing someone who did that to you. oh well, atleast you can carry your head high and know that you're a better person than that.

[soloman9]

I do understand where you're coming from as my ex did the same and u fully expect him to come back in time. We had a good relationship he just needed to communicate what he was feeling so we could resolve it but instead he freaked out and broke up with me (in a respectable way). When he comes back I know I will feel ambivalent because it hurts that he had to do this but I hope I have the strength to resist being angry at him as he really has only treated me with the utmost respect.

 

"When he comes back" is fairly bold don't you think .... that's not proof he will do? If he broke up with you it wouldn't have been that he 'freaked out' it would have been thought of for a while from his end.

 

Moral of the story is you can't wait around, you have to move on and they may come back or they may not.

[RGS]

I totally agree Solomon. When I said "when he comes back" I obviously have no idea when that will be. It could be a few months or a few years. I can't wait around to find out, so I am moving on. Ive already many plans for the future holidays, buying a place etc and am moving forward in a positive way carrying on with my hobbies and seeing friends, but then i never really lost myself when we were together as I've always retained my own life. I learnt the hard way from past relationships the importance of maintaining your own hobbies and independence.

[Avila]

i think very few people end up waiting around. that's the point. they eventually come back (depending on the nature and length of the relationship) but by that time you're just over the whole mess. but sometimes you're at a point where you do want to care and you do wish you were in a place that you'd still want to wave it front of their face and laugh. and yes people do occasionally freak out and break up with someone. it's all down to personality types and coping mechanisms, etc.

[RGS]

Totally agree Avila, I'm in the same situation as you because I know when ge does I'll have moved on and that makes me sad.

[spektra]

In my experience, exes sometimes do come back, but ONLY at the point where I had absolutely no feelings left for them. As in, I was completely over them, didn't even think about them at all, and would have not taken them back even if they begged me.

 

There have been a few instances when some made contact while I was not entirely over them, I was still dreaming about them coming back but just pretending not to care, faking indifference...and it's like they could smell it, because nothing ever came of it, they'd just disappear into thin air without even having gotten the chance to spend time together. Or they came back openly just for sex, which I always turned down and never heard from them again.

 

So it's a no-win situation IME... they either came back when I couldn't care less, so I never knew why they came back because I never had the curiosity to even find out, or they came back when they thought I was no longer interested (because I was faking it) but they were just testing the waters to see if they still had the power over me, and when they smelt they still did, they jumped ship once again.

[Moggs]

so true!! this has been my experience too,frustrating, none of us seem to get what we want at the right time.....or maybe we just want the wrong things!

[adarkplace]

im still not ready to type out my whole story (but I will at some point when Im a little calmer about it) but I think it has a ton of lessons in it for people pining for their ex to come back.

 

basically its def not all its cracked up to be. My ex left me back last November, and I was EXTREMELY committed to marrying her (and this had been discussed at length). I was a total mess for 2 months but went NC. She then came back at the beginning of this year saying she was totally over her issues and really wanted it to work between us. To say I was happy is an understatement.

 

But guess what. 5 months later all the same issues came back and she did EXACTLY the same thing for the 2nd time. They left u once, trust me its easier for them the 2nd time. And guess what. Whilst I still love her deeply, I cant see myself with her anymore. My mindset has totally changed. Yes I still feel like total sh*t sometimes and wish things could have been different but any man or woman who really wants to be with you and is worth the love you give them should stand by you through thick and thin.

 

I will write out the whole story at some point to help those who have faced similar situations but its all still a bit raw at the moment.

[bw92116]

That's the whole sad irony here... I still want to be with him, but I know that for my own happiness I have to let go and move on... yet, after I let go, he may come back and still want to continue the relationship... but by that time I won't want to... thinking of that scenario makes me feel sad about it.

 

So what can you do? Hang on to a tiny bit of hope while you're moving on anyway? Everything I've read says that you can't hang on to any hope whatsoever, in order to truly let go and move on.

[spektra]

So what can you do? Hang on to a tiny bit of hope while you're moving on anyway? Everything I've read says that you can't hang on to any hope whatsoever, in order to truly let go and move on.

 

No, that's exactly what you shouldn't do! I know it may seem counterproductive, but as long as you hold on to the tiniest thread of hope, he won't come back, or he will but not stay. The key is to totally give up hope and move on, not to just force yourself to believe that you're over him. You have to be over him, completely. Which makes him coming back pretty useless, doesn't it?

[bw92116]

Yes it does.