Why is it so easy for the dumpers to a live life without the dumpee?

[julian19]

I just wonder why. They seems to have an easy way living without us in their lives anymore. While here we are, suffering because they are no longer part of our life.

 

Any thoughts?

[FYI]

That's not always true.

 

I'm doing A-ok because she was from the nuthouse and True Crime doesn't need anymore Walt Disney characters in his life at the moment.

[Mr_LFA]

Well I guess the dumpers have had much more time to mentally prepare than the dumpee. Dumpers do definitely feel the loss also.

[dasilver]

Usually the dumper has already gone through their pain whilst still in the relationship. The relationship is already over for them before they even openly say it. Once they do say it however...they've pretty much accepted that's it's over and started their healing process.

[wildone]

Just because they seem OK doesn't mean that they are. It's possible to care about someone but not want to be romantically involved with them anymore and it hurts to let them go. I dumped my boyfriend a few weeks ago and I'm hurting BAD. He doesn't know this. I'm not contacting him and our mutual friends tell him I'm doing just fine.

 

Another scenario is, the dumpers usually have already become emotionally detached before the break up. I lost all my love for my old college boyfriend but it took me about a year to break up with him. So when I did, I moved on like I never even knew him. Because I already spent the last 12 months getting over him. It doesn't have to take a whole year but in a lot of cases, they got over you before you could even suspect that a break up was imminent.

 

True Crime, I LOVE your reply. It made my day, I can totally relate

[TalkThatTalk9]

I wonder this myself.

 

the week I still lived with the ex/we were broken up... he was out having fun with his friends, he was bragging in the living room so I could hear he had nothing holding him back anymore... acted like everything was fine with him.

 

then he came home one night, and I actually tried talking to him for the first time in days, and he broke down crying telling me how hard it was for him, and refused to talk about it because it upset him.

 

Spending so long with my ex, I observed how he dealt with other issues in his life that were sort of similar to us breaking up.

 

He used to work with his best friend for years, they had a falling out and he swore the guy off forever. He was so hurt by the guy, he never contacted him... didn't talk about him. acted like he was doing great but I could see his hurt. a year later, that guy called him. out of nowhere my ex answered, they talked, and it was like nothing ever happened.

 

with most of the important people in his life, he would have a falling out/get hurt... cut them off for a long time, and then within time and thinking he let that person back in his life.

 

he never let people see how much he was hurting. he was very good at hiding his feelings. I would be shocked when he would explode about issues because I had no idea he was even struggling because he put on such a good front of being happy and ok.

 

which leads to me... this does not help my healing process because I always think back to how he dealt with others and I see he gave them second chances within lots of time. I keep expecting him to do that with me.

 

I nkow a break up is different then friend falling outs.... but I can't help but think this way.

 

which makes No contact so much more sense for me, if this is the case (if he were to call, email or text me willingly FIRST I would literally die of shock. I'd pass out.... he will never do so. waste of my time).... but yet I struggle daily from contacting him.

[Justme3]

If the " dumper " has already been contemplating it, then he/ she is not communicating. Is it safe to say he/she is a bit selfish and not very good at communicating?. If things are bothering the "dumper", why not just express it. Instead the "dumper " lets the "dumpee " think everything is just fine. While the "dumper's" minds are thinking the opposite. Why be deceptive? Perhaps if the "dumpee" new what was going on, then perhaps The dumper can also be part of the decision and it may not be as painful and they would be fine just like the dumper is.

[Sportster2005]

I just wonder why. They seems to have an easy way living without us in their lives anymore. While here we are, suffering because they are no longer part of our life.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Because they simply don't love us and/or want to be with us anymore. If they did they wouldn't have left us. Or they love us but decided we are not a good match for whatever reason. In which case we are only assuming they are living happily without us.

[gtnovru]

Because, despite how much they loved us at one point, they don't care anymore. And once people are ready to move on from a relationship, some handle it heartlessly and selfishly. They're only considering THEIR needs and wants in the moment, not caring at all how the dumpee feels. It's not right.

 

For any dumper that treats the dumpee badly when breaking up, I really hope the dumper comes back, so the dumpee has the chance to reject THEM.

[julian19]

yeah, i guess that's right.. they simply don't love us the same way that they did before.. so it is easy for them to live their lives without us...

[Xylitol]

Its easy, its about 'need'

 

I need you in my life vs i don't need you in my life.

 

Its ok that you are not here, because i don't need you.

Its not ok that you are not here, because i do need you.

 

The people who get dumped are most of the time the people who were still madly in love, for that reason its hard for them to move on.

[tness]

Because the dumpers don´t care.

My story is like this

Dumped, Ex was moving on one week after the BU like a robot.

Now she dont even care if im alive or not.

[bw92116]

Maybe the dumper feels like they can go back to the relationship at their convenience if they want to.

If you keep trying to get them back, they think they can have you back. So they aren't worried about a thing.

[gtnovru]

That's what I was thinking earlier today. I wonder if it's easy for them to let us go because they think they can get us back at anytime, if we hadn't chased/begged/pleaded and/or put up with their bull****, maybe they wouldn't have let us go like this, because they'd be more afraid they'd never get us back again.

[Donovan79]

Or maybe the "not feeling anything" is the reason they're dumping you.

[confused1979]

Like people have already said they have had time to prepare themselves for the BU.

 

I also think that because they are the ones who made the decision to leave they try to look strong as to not give too much hope of reconciliation. Two ex's ago dumped me out of the blue, I thought the same thing as you; how could she be so cold and just not care. It wasn't until I read her emails (she left her password on my computer) that I realised that she was also suffering. I read an email she wrote to someone saying how much she was suffering, how she couldn't bare to be alone, wasn't sleeping etc etc. I caught up with her the next day to exchange things and she was pretending to be happy, full of life and was telling me how well she was doing.

 

So, even though I should not of read her emails, it gave me a different perspective on things. I wish I had the same insight with my ex of 8 months ago; I still can't let that one go

[Mr_LFA]

That's some very fascinating insight there confused1979. It's interesting how they can pretend to be happy when really, they're not. This can easily be (and often is) shown through facebook too. I wonder if they do this to attempt to validate breaking up with you?

I think we all have to understand that dumpers are merely humans and if the relationship was (mostly) a good one, they will be suffering themselves as well.

[Doc Blaze]

Ive been on both sides...its not always black and white ....Just because you are dumped doesnt mean they dont care...some people do feel bad...I found out from my ex's bestfriend who is friends of my family that my ex randomly one night at a girls night outt started balling her eyes out thinking she made the biggest mistake of her life by dumping me..I think people hide it better than others...

 

but just because your the dumper doesnt mean your not hurting also.

[bw92116]

I think it's really odd too. I was pretty close with someone for 4 years, but this year I noticed them becoming more distant, I asked about it, they just said they were "super busy" and their response was initially to pay more attention to me for a bit, but then the distance resumed. So I decided to stop all contact, both to see how they would react and to get over my feelings which really were too strong. After 8 weeks of not seeing each other, they haven't contacted me at all... makes me wonder if the "busy" signal was just a way of putting it nicely, and they really have lost interest and moved on. I still care and wonder about them 8 weeks later, but apparently they don't. Seems odd to me that you could be pretty close to someone, then later on just not care, or care enough to even bother to pick up the phone or send a short message. What makes people stop caring?

[Mr_LFA]

What makes people stop caring?

I think people stop caring when they ultimately find someone or something more interesting, than you.

[julian19]

I think people stop caring when they ultimately find someone or something more interesting, than you.

 

INDEED.. they simply lost interest.

[Donovan79]

INDEED.. they simply lost interest.

 

Not always. I know I've found it difficult to maintain interest in my parter when family/work stress has gotten to

be too much.

[rebellefleur]

Not always. I know I've found it difficult to maintain interest in my parter when family/work stress has gotten to

be too much.

 

Kind of comforting to hear. My ex and i had a rough ending, just a lot of fights about nothing and it drove him away. But recently he told me that he's just really depressed and stressed and he can't commit to being with my again. I'm hoping maybe the stress in his life is what is holding him back and it's not due to all of the horrible things he's said. I hate to think that he fell out of love/lost interest just because of...me Oh well either way, it doesn't matter. Still sucks that they get to parade around happy as ever! Happier without you at least!

[hausser]

Usually the dumper has already gone through their pain whilst still in the relationship. The relationship is already over for them before they even openly say it. Once they do say it however...they've pretty much accepted that's it's over and started their healing process.

 

Gotta agree with this. I think my ex checked out of the relationship months before, actually I'm almost certain she did as our sex life all but ceased (always a red alert) and she was reticent to address that despite me bringing it up several times.

 

Then IME/IMO it's a question of how fast they find another lover/s who is compatible.

[gtnovru]

Mr_LFA - I agree with you. I think if they're giving you attention, saying they love you, making time for you - but within a few days or weeks time, they suddenly break things off or go distant - someone or something else "more exciting" came into their life, and that's why you're suddenly chopped liver. And if that someone or something doesn't pan out or falls through, then I'm sure that's when you'll hear from them finally.