missing old girlfriend whom i left to date new girlfriend

[pappy]

I'm really lonely right now. I can't find a friend to sound out my feelings about my current and former girlfriend. I hope the kind people on this site can help me...

 

I'm living in the US and currently engaged to a woman who lives in Asia. We met while she was studying here and we dated for three months. After she returned to her country, we had a long distance relationship for almost two years. We have met each other about four times a year travelling between here and there.

 

We have been engaged for several months now. the first meeting between my parents and her family is scheduled in a few weeks. I'm very nervous now. I'm having second thoughts about the marriage.

 

The main reason is that I am unable to forget about my old girlfriend. My old girlfriend also lived in Asia too and we had a long distance relationship for three years. During one visit she lived with me for four and a half months. At the time, I was reluctant to make any kind of long term commitment to her and brushed off her indirect questions about it.

I had thoughts about ending the relationship, but I couldn't do it. I left my old girlfriend for a very vain reason. I wanted someone prettier. I cheated on her to date my now-fiance and ended our relationship.

 

My fiance is pretty, but she is not as perfect as I imagined her to be when we met. After I told her that I had another girlfriend, she was very angry and hurt. She is jealous person. Periodically she felt very insecure and wondered where our relationship was going. She's 33 and I'm 28. One day she gave me an ultimatum.."what is your decision?" or else she would leave me. I caved in because I didn't want to leave her, so that's why were are now engaged for almost 6 months now. After engagement, she became more secure and I didn't have to worry so much about her ending the relationship due to insecurity.

 

During her episodes of insecurity, I worried about being dumped by her and clung onto the memories of my old girlfriend for comfort. I have never been able to forget about her because I can't stop myself from emailing her. She does reply to my email. I fantasize about going back to her now, but I'm not sure if that really what I want and worried that might open another can of worms.

 

Another factor is that my old girlfriend gave me a very cute stuffed animal and I loved playing with the little animal, treating it like a favorite pet. I can't bring myself to put it away. Each time I play with it or see it, I'm reminded of my old girlfriend.

 

I feeling like crying inside on many days. I can not bear the thought of saying goodbye to her forever if I get married to another woman. I regret leaving her for vain reasons.

 

When I am together with or talking to my fiance, I notice I don't think about my old girlfriend as much. Should I hope that I won't be troulbed by thoughts of my old girlfriend after marrying my fiance?

 

I feel a strong obligation to marry my fiance because she gave her virginity to me early in our relationship. She was 31 and felt I was the right person for her to devote her life to. She lives in a very traditional society where virginity is highly valued. She would be considered "damaged goods" by other men now.

 

What should I do? Why am I tormented by memories of my old girlfriend?

If I were to date another woman, I worry that I'll always think about her. Does this mean I really should attempt to go back to her? I don't know my fantasy will cause more hurt in the future.

 

I feel guilty about having these feelings while engaged to another woman. Everytime I feel like missing my old girlfriend, I call up my fiance to stop those feelings.

 

Also I'm seeking out religon to find guidance.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments, religious or non-religious.

[Tellin It Like It Is]

Well my dear, let me start off by saying, any decision you make to honor your feelings is valid. HOWEVER. You need to take into consideration that you have made promises before and have been unable to follow through. This girlfriend, or the old, could you just have a problem with commitement? I know that sounds obvious, but you seem to make up whatever excuse you can at the last minute. Not pretty enough. Worrying about old girlfriend. These could be variations of your fear. Regardless. You gotta let the old girlfriend go. You used the word "fantasy" and that is very true. It is a fantasy. You don't remember what you were uncomfortable with in the relationship when you were in it, and even if it WAS great, she's different now. Namely, because time has elapsed, so how do you know you want to be with the girl she's become since you've been apart? Secondly, don't guilt yourself into staying with the now non virgin. She made her decision based on the available facts at the time, and facts change. That is a really lame part of life, but it's true. If you need to not be with her, fine, don't. But if you think the reason is because you might be able to rekindle something that is past...you may want to evaluate it further. Good luck. Don't end up pining for THIS girl.

[SwingFox]

Hi Pappy,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling confused at the moment. I understand that you have a hard time in deciding for yourself what to do.

 

I would like to explain to you first that beauty is in the eye on of the beholder. Beauty also comes from inside and that's what matters anyways. A woman (or a guy for that matter) can be very pretty, but if she has a personality you can't work with, it will never work out with you.

 

I also would like to explain you that what you are doing might be explained as leading your fiance on. If you indeed feel that you're doing that, I would find ways to stop that. My suggestion is that you start to think what you expect out of life and what you expect out of a relationship. Look at what you 'have' now and if your fiance meets those needs. Do understand that there's no such thing as the 'perfect' woman. There's always something going on, wether it's distance or something in the personality that doesn't comply with yours, especially when you are coming from different cultures.

 

I would suggest that you stick to your fiance. May be it helps you better and feeling better when you cut the strings with your old g/f, because I believe that this is just a temporarily things. My bottom line is though: Try to get this untangled ASAP, because like I said: things can be explained as leading on two women.

 

I hope that my reply helped you on your way making the right decisions that work for you and I wish you good luck in all this.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[DealingWithIt]

I think you've got some issues to work out before you marry your fiance. Could it be that you're having cold feet? Or maybe you are not ready to make that commitment.

 

I think its shallow that you cheated on your ex-gf because she wasn't pretty enough. And now you want her back? Why? I think you're just using her as an excuse not to go through this marriage. Plus youre afraid of being dumped. Grow up! If you don't love your current girl enough to marry her then don't...you may regret that later on and ended up staying in the marriage because you're afraid she'll divorce you.

 

Take time to figure out what you want then decide.

 

I'm sorry if I sounded mean.