How do you find the encourage to start from the beginning and try again?

[goodheartlady]

Hi all, I am fresh from a break up after over a year of an exclusive relationship. I am in my 30's, and I had invested my everything in this past relationship. I honestly felt that I did everything I could have to love and care for this person, but I just was not the right person for him.

 

A friend - out of kindness - is trying to get me to go to a mixer this weekend. She wants me to start again and meet new people. But here is the thing, I feel like I have been through the dating carousel so many rounds with no success - how do I find the courage to start again? I feel like a wounded animal trying to hide in a cave because the outside world is too frightening. How do you let go of years of pain and disappointment?

 

While I understand that it is too soon for me to start the process, please share your thoughts and experiences. How did you let go of fear and find the joyful heart to fall in love again?

[Liraele]

Give yourself time to nurse your wounds - if you're not ready, there is no harm in that, and just be honest with your friend.

 

The only way to find the courage to start again is to heal first - time alone doesn't do that... a desire to actually heal and taking the steps to put yourself on that course are what make it happen. Time is just a measurement people use for getting there.

 

For me, I focused on what I was holding on to - the why's, the disappointments, the anger, the frustration. Allowed myself to go through the cycle of denial, anger, etc. Then I focused on letting those feelings go. It was a conscious and concerted effort, and I struggled with a lot of the process personally, but that doesn't mean that everyone does.

 

Learn to love yourself again, and the pieces start falling back together. (Cliche, but true. You may love yourself, but respecting yourself is important too... and a part of that is dealing with painful emotions in your own way and in your own time - which may or may not include jumping right back into the dating wagon.)

[FYI]

I heal... but I find that I retreat further and further back into that dark little tunnel underneath the earth. Not because I choose to, but because oddly it's just that much more comforting.

[lilypadgirl]

Can't say it better than that. After my breakup from five years ago, I was so devastated, jaded, and tired that I thought I could never love again, that it was too painful and why bother. But I healed and in the course of healing, hope comes back. I found a new love. Though ultimately that one ended, at least the experience taught me with some time and healing, I can love again.

 

Take some time off from dating and don't think of dating. Just work on yourself and your hurt, allow yourself to heal and go through all the emotions and when you feel more ready, take baby steps. Go out and make new friends first without putting the pressure of dating on yourself. Hope comes back when you make an unexpected connection with someone.