accepted my failures and realized new priorities

[discouraged]

This is just a rant... just to get it off my chest.

 

I think I spoke a little too soon after my last thread. Well... Im not as unstable as before, but I am in more control of my emotions. Right now, I just have that "missing her" feeling now and its very prominent. I have no resentment of the BU anymore and have realized the importance of it instead. It was something that I needed, but failed to recognize at first. My eyes are now wide open to all of the changes I must achieve in order to have a better future.

 

 

***Quick note: BU reason were that I wasn't driven or determined enough to be successful because i was too lazy with school, Im too "boring" since she liked to go out and experience new things regularly, she wants to be single since she's never been before, and she is not in love with me anymore.***

 

 

I just wish I had this epiphany during the relationship and not afterwards. I truly believe my ex will always be "the girl that got away"... Its been 8 weeks post BU and 7 week of NC. To some, it may not seem a lot of time after having a 3 1/2 year relationship, but I believe it was a considerable amount of time due to my new found realization of life. I can honestly say I've grown emotionally and see things in a very different aspect. Ive recently put my social life (partying/drinking) on hold and focused primarily on education, reading books (I never read a single book out of pleasure until after this BU), playing a guitar, playing billiards, and just spending quality time with "good" friends. In the past, I would normally just party my worries away and find someone new to keep me distracted, but not anymore.

 

I hope one day that my ex would reach out to me with a possibility of reconciliation, but only after I've improved my self and my life. However, I highly doubt she would ever and thats what i'm having a hard time with.

 

I guess i'm feeling this way because I see all of the new changes I've experienced, but she will never know about it. Mind you, I didn't change FOR her, I did it because it was always something Ive wanted to become, but couldn't without this drastic catalyst occurring. Now all I can do, is keep focusing on myself and forge ahead. I must concentrate on my priorities at the moment and nothing else. I think i'm going to stay out of relationships for a while... kinda sucks, but i think its necessary. I believe that I'm behind in life (27 years old, still have not graduated, and still live with parents) since many of my younger friends have graduated and already own condos... So I decided to attack my education full force and try to graduate as fast as possible. Ive also decided to not date another girl until after my graduation... which is 3 years from now... SIGH I feel that I wouldn't be able to hold on to a relationship until I can hold on to my own life anyways.

 

I miss her sooo much, but i know this BU is for the better and only wish her the best. If we are really meant to be, then something will happen. However, I do know that it was meant for me to have my eyes opened and this was the catalyst for it to happen. It sucks, but no body said life was easy/nice. Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) said something along the lines of... "Life is like boxing. Nothing can hit as hard as life, but it isn't about how hard you can hit back. Its about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward."

[Ms Darcy]

Well it sounds like this break up was the kick you needed. Good luck on your journey.

[discouraged]

yup. Thanks