BrowneyedMan Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Hi peeps, haven't been on this forum for a long time, but now returning with a vengeance ! ..actually, returning with a query, and I hope some of you can advise me. So, ..I'll try to keep this brief... I'm on a dating site and a few days ago this young woman messaged me, cute asian lady with a chinese background. She looked attractive to me in her pictures, very slim and basically just my type. What's more, we seem to have a LOT in common !! and she seems really sweet, intelligent and thoughtful. Which is just how I like it. - so far so good. Now here's the thing, I copied her pics into a picture editing program and blew them right up, bc somehow she seemed a little too thin to me, and her smile somehow looked strangely 'weak', like she didn't have a lot of energy in her. Upon seeing her pics blown up I became very unsure, but today she emailed me some demo-videos of her modeling stuff, and that affirmed the assumption I had about her: The girl is anorexic. ...Don't get me wrong, she is lovely. But in these little videos she models rather scant outfits, which reveal just how skinny this woman is. I mean, unhealthily thin !! She really looks like an anorexic to me, in fact, her skin seems almost somewhat blue-ish in certain areas. And she is truly 'bony'. (beyond the slimness that can often be seen in asian women..) Another 'clue', as I thought of it, was, she turned down my suggestion to meet for a coffee-drink (which is how I normally like to meet up for the first time) and suggested that instead we go for a walk in a park near where I live and hang out there. ...no problem, really, but... Anyway, I'd like to meet this girl/woman. Also, because she seems really nice and we really seem to have a lot in common. But .. what can I do about her anorexia ? ..I mean, she really looks like she's got a proper eating disorder !!! ..and like she urgently needs help with it.. Anyway.. any suggestions would be very welcome ! Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Are you sure? Some asians are really just very small, especially if they grow up in a non-western country. If you're certain she has anorexia nervosa, then I'd steer clear. She needs to deal with her psychological disorder before she's ready for a relationship. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 It does sound like she's anorexic, but I'm not sure what you can do. You can't really ask her about it as she's a total stranger. She probably won't talk to you again if you do. It does sound like you're genuinely concerned about her though.. wow, I don't know.. I hope someone else has some suggestions! There is a slim chance she might not be anorexic, Chinese women are small by nature as I'm sure you know, and she could have hyperthyroidism (metabolism runs too fast). Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 anorexia is an illness , a mental illness , so it is a fairly big assumption on your part to be labelling her . But .. what can I do about her anorexia ? ..I mean, she really looks like she's got a proper eating disorder !!! ..and like she urgently needs help with it.. again ..your assuming she urgently needs help ..and really it is none of your business...it's nice that you care so much but your already trying to save someone who hasnt asked to be saved. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 wow, how quickly the answers come in.. anyway, yes I know asian ladies can be very slim. but they still -normally- have a healthy amount of body fat, which shows itself in smooth curves, basically, however petite and/or slim they are. regarding "shooting stars" thoughts.. I'm not quite as ignorant as too simply label someone anorexic when they're just a tad skinny for my liking, or whatever. I have had anorexic friends in younger years, so I know what people with eating disorders look like (and how they typically behave..). ...this lady is unhealthily thin ! ..take my word for it.. She is nice and, at the very least, she's a fellow human being, that's why I kind of consider it my business after all.. I know how dangerous and life-threatening anorexia is.. and I believe that in Chinese circles (and asian in general) mental problems are not usually paid much attention to. ..so I'm thinking she might not have anyone to tell her, or help her... Oh well.. difficult one.. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I don't think it's fair to judge or label her, unless you meet her and hear it directly from the horses mouth. It's also possible she has a medical condition. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 yeah.. fair enough. I will meet her anyway. ..I doubt she'd ever admit it herself, because that is really part of the problem with anorexia. ..but I will judge it for myself once I see her live and close-up. .....btw, of course I know I'd never see her again, if I brought it up very early on. and, rest assured, I won't be analytically judging her like some kind of strange animal, or anything. She's sweet ! I want to meet her.. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 ..so I'm thinking she might not have anyone to tell her, or help her... I think your a very decent man for taking this kind of attitude but you have to keep it real. you have met this woman on a dating site , she is sending you demo's of her scantily clad modelling outfits .. she clearly has no confidence problems and no outward body hangups .. so how likely do you think it is that she wants you to be her knight in shining armour and help her through her "anorexia" .. you have made so many assumptions about someone you havent met ..an eating disorder , no one to talk to , in urgent need of help ... mate I am telling you , as kind and as beautiful a spirit as you are, this is becoming more of a doctors appointment than a date. so meet her and get to know her first ..then see if you have cause for all these concerns. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I don't think you are really the right guy to be helping her, you don't even know her or even if she really has anorexia or some other medical condition. I mean, you wouldn't go on a date with a 300 lb woman trying to help her lose weight, know what i mean? if she does have anorexia, she probably has some real mental problems and should see a therapist. i wouldn't date her. not that she's not a lovely person, but she probably has too many problems. Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 She may or may not have a disorder. But being her "White Knight" to go and save her will not end well. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Ok people, thanks for your recent feedback, btw ! Here's an update: I finally met with this girl/woman last night. ..I was warned/prepared from her photos and videos, but when I saw her 'live' and close-up I was still shocked. The girl is literally stick-thin ! never met anyone that tiny in my entire life !! So we went for a walk in a huge park near my place, and, while it was nice, after about half of the walk I was so knackered I had to sit down for a bit and craved some food, but she never complained at all. (usually it's the other way round..) The girl seems to have a heart of gold. Totally genuine and well-meaning, which was very endearing. The thing was, she seems to have several issues, besides the suspected anorexia. (which I still think she might have.. - her hands are scarily blue-ish and dry-skinned, and her limbs, her entire frame, are/is just unbelievably thin.) She has a really cute face, so if she just didn't look so famished and had some normal 'feminine' fat pads on her, she'd make a pretty lady, for sure. But she literally has zero fat on her. She was talking a lot of the time and seemed really quite eager, which to me just seemed like she didn't have much confidence in herself and her 'market value' at all. (Also, a lot of the stuff she was saying.) By the end her voice even sounded quite strained, and I figured this came from her talking so eagerly and more than her tiny little body could handle. ...I'm still sure she has, besides other social issues, an eating disorder. ...She also struck me as a serious 'girl-nerd'.. which in its milder forms I find quite attractive, but with her it seemed like she has suffered from the social implications of pronounced nerdiness for a long time. I think she might have been bullied a lot in her earlier days, for whatever reasons (her 'exotic' background, plus 'nerdy interests' perhaps..?), and still hasn't got around to dealing with that and putting it behind her, and therefore she is still rather confused about where she stands in society at large. Add to that an obsessive disposition (..like me.. ;-O ) and I can see what might have led to an eating disorder.... - but then, she is a true sweetie at heart ! I could tell. She seems really innocent. And quite 'helpless' somehow. While we were sitting on a bench, I noticed she, very shyly, tried to lean in on me a few times and tried to create that 'special moment of silence', and I got the feeling she deeply longed to be desired physically. ..Normally I would have grabbed a girl by then and kissed her. But I just couldn't make myself do it with her. I won't lie, it was because she looked too skinny and I saw all those 'issues' in her - which are more than I can handle. And I knew if I had just done it, especially since she so longed for being kissed (-I was sure-), she would get hurt further down the line. Anyway, we then walked all the way home from that park bench (which must have been miles !). Afterwards, I went to a restaurant by myself and just sat there in a kind of trance, seeing all these 'normal people' gobbling down their food. Call me a big softie (which I am), but I could have just cried that life can be like that to some people... I think this girl/woman has a heart of gold and some very endearing personality traits.. but, although she has a cute face, I'm not attracted to her, like 'that'... The thing is, I think, because I was 'being nice' to her (and I had no reason not to be) and listened to her attentively, she got her hopes up. ..I felt I had to send her a little 'rounding off'-message at night (an e-mail), and the one that came back sounded - adequate - but still rather keen and interested. So, this is my dilemma now: I'm not interested in her 'like that', but at the same time it breaks my heart to think meeting me might have given her a glimmer of hope, and me letting go of her when she tried so hard will make her fall even deeper into despair and question her identity. ....Urghhhh.... I know trying to be the "White Knight" for anyone is pointless, and I don't want to be either..... ..but at the same time it's so obvious the girl needs 1) a glimmer of hope for herself, and 2) help with her eating disorder (and perhaps other psychological issues) Anyway... sorry for the rant.. just had to get this off my chest.. - any suggestions more than welcome ! Thanks folks ! Link to comment
Aarya Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I don't get it. (I didn't read everything line by line so forgive me if I'm missing something.) You like thin girls so you choose her, then you decide yo don't like her so much because she is too thin. What is it you want? Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 I don't get it. (I didn't read everything line by line so forgive me if I'm missing something.) You like thin girls so you choose her, then you decide yo don't like her so much because she is too thin. What is it you want? Oh please... No offence, but if ur actually interested in this thread then do read what I write, and please don't give me any of that 'what is it you want'-drivel... I know what I want and that is not what I'm asking here. ..if you're not interested in this, no probs, none of us has to have an opinion on everything. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 If she contacts you, I would say something generic like, "I had a nice time on our date but I don't think we are a match. I wish you the best." Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 If she contacts you, I would say something generic like, "I had a nice time on our date but I don't think we are a match. I wish you the best." I would have no problem with that under normal circumstances. But this is a 'broken girl'.. I feel bad !!........ - and she's nice... Link to comment
Aarya Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I would have no problem with that under normal circumstances. But this is a 'broken girl'.. I feel bad !!........ - and she's nice... If you don't like her romantically, you should make that crystal clear (in a kind way) ASAP. Sick or not (and I'm not sure how we all arrived at the conclusion she is anorexic. Did she tell you?) anything else would hurt her. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Ok. .... ..I know I'm too good for this world... I just can't leave a person hanging like that, when they so obviously need someone and reached out, whichever way they did. Nevermind the romantic interest. It's not even about that. She needs help !!! and have you ever heard of an untreated anorexic person who admitted it herself.. ?! That's essentially what the condition is about, they can't even admit it to themselves that they have a problem. - It is blatantly obvious she has an eating disorder, believe it or not. Aren't there any fellow-"softies" on this board...... ??? ...ex-anorexics....? counselors... ? ..Help...... Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I would have no problem with that under normal circumstances. But this is a 'broken girl'.. I feel bad !!........ - and she's nice... What else can you do? You aren't even sure if she's anorexic, she might have done other medical condition. I think you should say something along the lines of what I said and let her go. If you say more to her, you risk offending or upsetting her more. Link to comment
greywolf Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Ok. .... ..I know I'm too good for this world... I just can't leave a person hanging like that, when they so obviously need someone and reached out, whichever way they did. Nevermind the romantic interest. It's not even about that. She needs help !!! and have you ever heard of an untreated anorexic person who admitted it herself.. ?! That's essentially what the condition is about, they can't even admit it to themselves that they have a problem. - It is blatantly obvious she has an eating disorder, believe it or not. Aren't there any fellow-"softies" on this board...... ??? ...ex-anorexics....? counselors... ? ..Help...... She needs help from a therapist, not you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 I think browneyedman wants to play knight-in-shining-armor. rescue the fragile little bird and nurse her back to health. i don't think he would be saying this if she were a 350 lb woman, worried about getting her to the treadmill and a salad bar. or a woman with cancer or kidney issues, driving her to the clinic for chemo or dialysis..... hmmmm..... Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 She needs help from a therapist, not you. I know she does. ..someone needs to get her to a therapist.. Anyway, the story is too complicated to be discussed here, I get that now. No worries. Link to comment
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