I'm the other woman

[lostsince1226]

It started very innocently. I was recently separated from my husband of 19 years and just starting to go out a little. It was a Friday night and my children were at friends' houses for the evening. I had been asked by a married girlfriend to come out for just a drink or two. I finally accepted.

 

First one divorced man came in and sat with us and about 30 mins later a married man came in and sat with us. Both not seeming to want anything more than a little conversation.

 

We decided to go to another night club and listen to a hometown band. Still all totally innocent. While there, the divorced man asked my married friend to dance and the married man asked me to dance.

 

It had been so long since I had been close to a man and especially one that paid any attention to me that when we danced and he put his arm around me and held me so close, I totally lost all control of my senses. He seemed to hold me closer than I thought was natural but no one seemed to pay any attention and so I thought it must just be in my head.

 

When the dance was over I was wishing for one more. My ride was leaving and she asked me if I was ready to go or could I find a ride. The married man immediately offered to take me back to my vehicle.

 

Of course I stayed. I don't know to this day if I regret it or not. What I am doing is so wrong but at the same time I have never in my life had anyone take care of me like he does.

 

Another slow song came on and we danced one last time before leaving. He made me feel things I had not felt in a very long, long time, if ever.

 

We left and he took me back to my vehicle. Before getting out he told me he would like to see me again and buy me a drink. I told him that sounded great and as I went to leave he kissed me. Instead of running I returned the kiss with a passion I didn't know I had. I was instantly embarrassed just like a young teenager kissing for the first time. I blushed and got out of the vehicle.

 

I ran into him a few days later and was instantly embarrassed all over again. He came and sat beside me and talked me through my embarrassement.

 

To make a long story a little shorter . . . . the affair has been going on for approximately 1 1/2 years. I have tried several times to stop. I don't seem to have the willpower. He was very honest with me in the beginning and let me know he loved his wife however, she was more like a best friend. Not a lover. He said they have sex maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they sleep separately most of the time.

 

It started for me as a relationship that would never go any further than a few kisses here and there. I didn't want a relationship and he was married. Perfect. It could never lead anywhere. WRONG!

 

He told me his wife had cheated on him early in their marriage and although they made it through that tough time, there were still things he could never get back. He made it very clear that he would never divorce her. He said he had vowed to stay with her and up until now he thought he would spend the rest of his life in a passion free relationship.

 

I was ok with this in the beginning. But . . . . . as time went on I grew to love him and him me. My second mistake. It seems the harder I try to stop sometimes the more I want to stay.

 

I have tried to get involved in other "healthy" relationships. I can't seem to get past the first date or two. I feel so ashamed. I can't imagine what I will do if anyone finds out. My children would be so ashamed. How could I ever get their respect back?

 

He does so many sweet things for me. He constantly tries to give me money and buy me things. I refuse them always. He is truly a best friend. He is there when he can be for me. When my divorce was final it was his arms that comforted me through the next few days. His hands that wiped away my tears and comforted my fears of being alone. He is so special to me I can't imagine my life without him now.

 

As wonderful as this relationship makes me feel . . . . I feel as bad or worse because I feel I will never be good enough to be the only one in anyone's life. I wonder every night if this is one of the 2 to 3 times he is haveing sex with his wife.

 

I don't understand myself. I have morals. I have always lived by my morals. This is beyond what I believe in. I have always wondered how women could do this to another family. And yet here I sit doing the worst thing a woman can do to a family. Not only hers but mine as well.

 

I can't stand the hurt and pain I feel anymore. I don't know how to end this. I feel so selfish. He is the most wonderful person I have ever had in my life. I cry myself to sleep at night because I know I can never have a true relationship with him and I know it is only going to end in pain. I am going through pain now so why can't I end it?

[CaraMaria]

I am sorry your hurting so deeply, but from what I read in your post, it is easy to see how this person is controlling your emotionally. By taking your vulnerablities and when they surface he knows exactly what to say and what to do to comfort you, where it hits your heart, where you need it most.

My guess is he is doing the same thing with his wife. He could be a very kind person but he is still manipulating you, in such a way he has control over you and you want it over with, you know in your heart you do, but his control and the way he does it is clever.

All of us, do not like to hurt or go through hurt, but.. it is just a fact of life we sometimes have to do to make us a better person that we want to be, my advice is this: make a clean break, and be strong about it. You say he gives you money. Find a way to get extra money other than from him, thats one way he can't control you, another is find something else to do, volunteering your time to help others will make you stronger and less available to him. You can do it, get around others and stay busy.

Hope this helps. Cara

[rosalind24]

I'm sorry, this may not be what you wanted to hear, but I definitely agrees with what's said above.

 

My personal view on cheaters is... you deserve whatever misfortune brought upon you and stop making excuses to justify yourself. NOTHING will justify it.

[geo_jane]

That's so mean! She already feels bad about the situation and has been hurt by it. She doesn't need to have salt added to her wounds!

 

Lost,

I'm sorry you're hurting. I agree with Cara that he has a part in this. He is manipulative if he thinks he can stay with his wife and string you along on the side.

Be strong like Cara says and get out there and try something new. Maybe your kids' school need volunteers?

 

[geo_jane]

No offence DBL but I just think you're being too harsh.

She knows she has to call it off. She just needs some solice to work through the pain we all feel when we end a relationship. Whats done is done, she doesn't need a lecture.

[mscolly]

lostsince1226 I totally agree with CaraMaria. You're being used. This man feels great with you, but not enough to commit himself to you. He's not honest with his wife. And I don't think he's totally honest with you either. Are things really so bad with his wife, or is it, at very least, an exageration to make you feel better, to manipulate your feelings, to relieve your guilty a bit.

 

DBL you're way too hard. Have you never felt passion? It blinds you to everything, at least for a while. Have you never felt lonely? It's a pain that, if you find any relief, makes you grab on to that relief with all your strength. Have you never felt weak and vulnerable? Anything that strengthens you becomes your shield. Have you never felt powerless regarding of your own feelings? You must be a robot, or Mr. Spock. Have you never fallen into a way of life that you know is wrong, but would need too much strength to change, like smoking, overeating, driving too fast, looking at porn? You must be a superman. Have you never needed help? Then you won't know how to give help. Have you never done something you know is wrong, and felt guilty and in need of forgiveness? Then you must be a saint. Don't you make mistakes? At least lostsince1226 knows she has, feels bad about it and wants out in some way. Would you?

 

(I see that the posts by DBL have been removed. The above comments are still valid though, for anyone who is too ready to criticise the failings of others)

[sasha12]

I can relate to what you are going through I too was the other woman.When I met my boyfriend he told me he was married but he had filed for a divorce. At first I believed this and really didn't think of it like I was being with a married man. A couple months went by and he still had not left his wife and I was beginning to wonder.Because there was no way in hell that I was gonna have a relationship with a married man. I guess I didn't even think about his wife much at first because I believed him that his marriage was over. Now I feel so ashamed so taking advantage of not only did he use me he used his wife too. Are you seeing the pattern, the lying , the muniplulating, ect. ect. Now I am living with this man he has finally gotten a divorce and I regret every minute of it. I feel much sorrow for his wife and can't trust him because I know that someday he will cheat on me because once a cheater always a cheater . He is very controllling and emotionally abusive and this is only the beginning. The man you are seeing muniplulates you and in general he muniplulates woman. Now I have lost the respect of my family and friends and I'm telling you it isn't worth it but i do know how you feel.

[rosalind24]

Well, maybe you think it's harsh, but wait until you had your family RUINed by "the other woman" then talk!

 

Yes, I have a boyfriend, and no, if he's married I WILL NOT BE DATING HIM.

 

I have a brain! and I have some self control too!

 

If I ever see that (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) the jerk in my family's dating, I'd punch her and get my mom to file a lawsuit against her! She better NEVER show up in front of my face or she'll regret it for the rest of her life!

[DBL]

Yeah I guess my posts were removed, Oh well. If the mods feel that my post was out of line, then the most likely were. Some of us are just not ready for the truth.

 

I will say as miserable as my life has been for the last year, there is not one day that goes by where I think I don't deserve what I have to go through now. I did some things that were not so nice, and I am paying the consequences for it and I accept it. A moment of weakness and passion does not stand up in the court of law and does not stand up to the morals in which we come to expect from others and our families.

 

sasha12, you were decieved, that is not your fault. The other lady on the other hand knew this guy was not leaving his wife, and started the relationship on the first night of meeting.

 

DBL