My boyfriend NEVER wants to have sex!

[Cluedo]

This is unfortunately consuming my thoughts right now and I feel like there must be something wrong with the relationship. We just moved in together about 3 months ago, everything was and is awesome between us...except our sex life. I do remember him being a lot more sexual when we first got together and he could hardly keep his hands off me, he even made the comment back then that I wasn't passionate about him enough and could be more wild and crazy in bed.

 

So in 3 months we've probably had sexual intercourse 2 times, we do other stuff occasionally...maybe 2 times a week if that. I don't want to break up with him over this because he's a good boyfriend in every other way...but then I guess we could be like brother and sister.

 

He knows this is bothering me at the moment and I asked him flat out 'is it that you don't like that kind of sex?' which imo is a fair question...some people I know don't get anything out of it. He said that he felt I was too 'unavailable' for it and that he would have it every day if he could. It's a complete lie though because I'm definitely the one who pursues him now.

 

The other night he was laying on the couch so I came over and straddled him then whispered in his ear...'oops i just forgot im not wearing any underwear'...I even proceeded to undo his pants! lol....still nothing. He said I should get some sleep for work tomorrow and that was that.

 

This is making me pretty miserable which is weird considering I've never been a highly sexual person myself and I couldnt imagine being with anyone else that way besides him.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[Trinity11]

Seriously, guys might think about sex all the time....but girls WANT it all the time.

[jaciej]

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but do you think he is getting it elsewhere? eg. affair, porn sites

 

Its one thing if he gets it on tap to turn you down, but another if he is rejecting the offer when your sex life is scarce. I would probe a bit deeper if I were you, but obviously keep it to yourself. A little bit of investigation is called for I think.

 

 

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[Cluedo]

I know he is big into porn, I haven't seen him watching it lately but I just know he does when I'm not around...which is fine of course but then I think it's really selfish of him. I just wish that sex wasn't important to me at all...and tbh it's not, its more the fact that I feel the reason is he doesn't like me 'that way' any more

[Angel Irulan]

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news either but typically the sex life is the first to go, and then the relationship goes a bit later. If he's that into porn, that would be a deal breaker for me! Perhaps if it's over, you are dodging a bigger bullet down the road.

 

Angel

[Cluedo]

I don't know what to do...he's a great boyfriend in every other way, he buys me flowers and cuddles with me...he's still affectionate in those ways. I just wonder what has happened because I'm remembering how sexual he used to be when we first started dating...he was wanting it all the time!

[Generation]

I've been in a similar position. Actually a few times.

 

I'd have it all the time if I could. I'm usually always the one to put the moves on. But if my girlfriend's too "unavailable" or just not interested and doesn't feel like it, and after multiple attempts each night, it bruises my ego, and it hurts. I don't want to say I get bitter, that's not the right choice of word, but I get discouraged from wanting to do it and I feel like a scumbag for even trying cause it makes me perceive myself as "one of those guys", as if all I care about is sex. I'm not all about sex and I can prove that by living without it. If I wanted to I'm pretty sure I can live a life without sex. I told my ex that if she never wanted to have sex, then I won't even try to have sex with her, I'll just love her affectionately without 'pressuring' her to have sex. I remember telling this story to my current girlfriend and she said I probably really hurt her feelings right there, but it's funny cause with my current girlfriend I'm starting to feel the same way cause I've been shot down pretty much every night.

And then when she wants to, it makes me feel like a dog salivating to the sound of a whistle. It brings up all those memories of being shot down and kills the mood for me. It's so easy for her cause I'm always wanting it, but then that makes me feel so much worse.

 

How to fix it... he's gonna wanna keep his pride and ego intact so he might try to have sex with you again once in a while, but if he gets rejected again, it'll only reinforce a bad memory. Don't get the wrong idea though, it's not that he doesn't want to have sex, he probably wants to, but getting rejected time and time again is probably more painful than the pleasure gained from sex. In my case, I want sex every night but I'll forcibly stop myself from going for it cause I hate the rejection. I'm conditioned to think that what I'm doing is wrong cause I don't get rewarded for it. The truth is, it actually really hurts, but I won't show it.

[EgoJoe]

Seduce him.

[Thorshammer]

I know he is big into porn, I haven't seen him watching it lately but I just know he does when I'm not around...which is fine of course but then I think it's really selfish of him. I just wish that sex wasn't important to me at all...and tbh it's not, its more the fact that I feel the reason is he doesn't like me 'that way' any more

 

It might be the porn, it is blurring reality and making him fantasize about these women and scenarios. Any time he whips his weewee out has to be for you, and only you. That should be his only release, or at least the majority of it. You might be just competeting with porn for your mans attention, because if he nuts, he might not want it later on since he released his sexual frustration.

 

Me and my ex had similar issues (note the keyword EX), and those issues turned me away from wanting her. Her attempts to seduce me always fell flat. I can have sex just out of boredom, but i lacked emotions and passions when i did whip it out, and with me not doing the actual chasing, our frequency dropped because she had reservations about putting in work due to my lack of passion. Her attempts to seduce me, and argue with me about it, made things even worse. Though, i loved her very much, even to this day, and i wanted nothing more to make her happy, and somehow fix things.

 

IMO, i would stop seducing him. Go out with friends, dress nice when you go out too. Dress sexy in the house but dont even whisper anything sexual with him. Start scratching another life in your life -with friends. Try to be a bit unavailable, despite what he says, when he really believed you were unavailable, he was a horn-dog, now that you try to be all over him- it gives an opposite result.

[Trinity11]

Nice post Thors. My ex ex sounds a lot like you in that relationship. Do you have that issue with others or just that one girl? its really heartbreaking.

Perhaps if i had read this post a week or two ago I would not have been accused of trying hard to please (why, sometimes girls just want to play with it...why does that have to be classed as being for him not her)and having no respect for myself.

It was a nice touch and a not so nice going away present.

So whatever I did...dont do that.

[Thorshammer]

Nice post Thors. My ex ex sounds a lot like you in that relationship. Do you have that issue with others or just that one girl? its really heartbreaking.

 

Well, i am in a new relationship, and i have sex with her all the time (again- its new relationship, so we will see), shes on vacay right now and i get horny just looking at her pics. It is starting far more stronger than it did with that particular ex. It could be because now i realize how powerful sex is, and how important it is to not "go with the motions", but it can also be because shes not my ex and we are sexually compatible. Both are very attractive, so looks dont factor in, its behavior that makes a difference. I never had this issue with someone before though, but i also never lasted past 1 year with most gfs.

 

And i know its heartbreaking. I was completely clueless, and it was even harder for her considering she wanted to be a sexologist. She once cried during sex, and that just freaked me out. She constantly told me, "you dont touch me!" "you dont want me" "you treat me as if i was your mom, or like if we were an old couple". This just ruins thing further, because sex was now a big issue, and i felt under the microscope to perform. But there was no one else, i never looked at anyone else, i never wanted anyone else, to this day i have yet to love someone as must as i loved her. We once broke up and she told me to have sex with someone else, that she didnt care. So, out of anger, and sexual frustration- i did exactly that. The woman i slept with was amazing, probably the best i ever had- but it did nothing for me besides physical- i loved my ex, and i chased after her and got her back and tried to fix everything.

[Trinity11]

Wow. Well good luck with your new girl. I actually spoke to my boy yesterday and he was sorry and didn't mean what he said. He explained what he meant about respect/pleasing. I had the perfect opportunity to explain further something that was in a text that the ppl on here so clearly helped me see. Basically the problem was in my head. I had mentioned that he didn't touch me and what I would like in our past relationship. It had the same effect it had in you. Luckily I figured I should only have to say it once and have not mentioned it in our new relationship.

In the new relationship he has recently started pleasing me, just a little at a time, I make sure he knows his efforts are not going unnoticed.

 

I said that the problem was how I was mentally approaching it all with an outcome in mind. I me said things to me at least seemed to be much more fun and the reason why is I'm letting go and not worrying if I'm doing good etc and think about me or us as opposed to him. I just have to trust that when the time comes he needs to release, that he will let me know what he needs.

I also told him that there was one night that I reverted to the old thinking in the middle of it as I was getting tired. I felt guilty the next day and knew for sure that's what it was.

This seemed to be a satisfactory answer and I think he was genuinely pleased that I took time to figure it out. For someone a lot younger he has a lot more experience and it intimidated me sometimes. As long as we keep going with our improved comm. maybe we can make it work.

I've never given someone a second chance and he, even with our age difference and not so easy sex life gave me one.

 

Thors I think any information or thoughts you could offer will help people like me and the OP.

 

;-)

[Thorshammer]

Sure, one thing i noticed: I think both need to be secure in themselves to avoid all this. Both need to feel confident, because confidence allows them to express themselves sexually without feeling stupid. Arguing about sex will not make your partner confident, and your partner making thoughtless comments also ruins confidence. This confidence starts while you have clothes on, its your communication and behavior that might need some fixing. Thats why first sex might be the best sex, its not only because its "new", but because you both spent so much time building each others confidence.

 

I never admitted to my ex that certain stupid things she said made me lose confidence. So, looking back at it now, i felt restricted. Also, she never commented positive about certain qualities. My current GF makes me feel very confident, because my qualites makes her crazy. Because of this, i do what i want with my gf, and she loves it. I dont feel like a big idiot that does wrong, i dont feel like i have a microscope on my back, i dont feel like i am trying to please someone that is unhappy. When my current gf doesnt want sex, i believe the reason, with my ex... i always felt it was something else, and it killed my confidence even more. So, feed him, make sex enjoyable, not just physically enjoyable, but stroke his ego. Sex is more than weewees.

[Cluedo]

Well I discussed it with my boyfriend we did talk about it together a little bit, he told me how he felt and I told him too. It's only been a couple of days but I feel like he's making way more of an effort now...we even had passionate hot sex for the first time in ages I know he was enjoying it too so I don't get why he doesn't want that on a regular basis!?

[Trinity11]

Cluedo I think thorshammer is right on with how a relationship is with clothes on. Start stroking his ego then, not even with sex stuff, just build it up slowly and I'm sure he will open up more with you and also improve things.

Did your talk focus on the positives?

[BlueEagle]

Talk to him about it. The possibilities for his reluctance to initiate or seemingly desire sex could be various and endless. I think you just need to clear the air with him first and see if there are any problems/resentments in the relationship that may be on his mind, or unconsciously. Is he stressed out from work, school, family, friends, etc? You mentioned you two just moved in together and that can sometimes present a problem in terms of feeling smothered or having space invaded. It's difficult to say what it could be as, again, it could be any number of things. It's best to have a candid talk with him that isn't negative, blaming, or seeming threatening to him that might make him defensive and halt any constructive dialogue. Remember, all healthy committed relationships should be able to tactfully and lovingly talk about anything, including bedroom issues. That emotional intimacy that allows both persons to be vulnerable and honestly open ultimately helps bring them together emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually.

[BlueEagle]

And i know its heartbreaking. I was completely clueless, and it was even harder for her considering she wanted to be a sexologist. She once cried during sex, and that just freaked me out. She constantly told me, "you dont touch me!" "you dont want me" "you treat me as if i was your mom, or like if we were an old couple". This just ruins thing further, because sex was now a big issue, and i felt under the microscope to perform. But there was no one else, i never looked at anyone else, i never wanted anyone else

 

I completely agree with you. Comments like those you mentioned above are not only hurtful but can be emasculating. And that can demolish confidence in our self and doubt that the other person really does have our back; definitely not conducive to getting more sex!

 

Sure, one thing i noticed: I think both need to be secure in themselves to avoid all this. Both need to feel confident, because confidence allows them to express themselves sexually without feeling stupid. Arguing about sex will not make your partner confident, and your partner making thoughtless comments also ruins confidence. This confidence starts while you have clothes on, its your communication and behavior that might need some fixing.

 

You are spot on when you said arguing about it will not make your partner confident. I went through this same situation myself with my ex and her comments made me put up a wall, shut down, and get defensive. This is why it is so extremely important to emphasize healthy communication for both persons. When both people are able to feel open and free to discuss anything with each other without being unnecessarily criticized and judged it brings them closer together and makes physical intimacy much more likely. You're absolutely right about the need to fix communication and behavior before the sex will be more frequent and passionate.