Friends Broke Up - He wants me to stop talking to her

[Monty]

I've got a problem I could use some advice on. A few months ago two of my friends who were dating have broken up. It wasn't a mutual decision, she dumped him. I have known him much longer but consider both of them to be among my best friends.

 

Recently however he has started giving my trouble about my maintaining my friendship with her. He says that since I've known him longer and probably wouldn't have become as good friends with her if they hadn't been dating that I should stop talking to her. He even went so far as giving me an ultimatum saying that if I don't stop talking and hanging out with her to not bother talking to him again.

 

I pretty much replied to that saying that no one is going to make me choose between my friends, this was his decision and that I hope he reconsiders and didn't really mean it and hung up the phone. I don't take well to people telling me what to do and can be very stubborn about it sometimes.

 

What would you do in my place? Am I wrong in wanting to maintain my friendship with them both?

 

Thanks for any insight.

[SwingFox]

Hi Monty,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that your friend made you choose between friends and that he even set an ultimatum on it. I understand that you're not entirely happy over that.

 

I believe that you did the right thing. Personally I wouldn't want to choose among my friends, either. That's just wrong. May be you didn't say it in the right way, but hey, if he is a real friend he'd understand. It's just an apology away to make things better again. My suggestion is that you talk to your friend again and apologize for being so harsh. However, make him clear that you will NOT choose among your friends and that he will have to accept that.

 

I hope that this helps you on your way and making the right decisions that work for you. Good luck!!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[ezila]

Having been on both sides of this situation, I can tell you that you did the right thing in telling your friend that you would not choose between him and his ex.

 

When I was in the position that your friend is now in, I felt hurt and betrayed by my friends' refusal to take my side or stop associating with my Ex. I was angry with them. BUT, I found that those feelings went away as I mended, and I later felt like a jerk for even putting my friends in that situation.

 

Many years (and many relationships) later, I would never do that to my friends again. One of the things a person expects - and, indeed, encourages - when they introduce a new love to their friends, is for said friends to accept that person.

 

It sounds to me like your (older) friend is hurting and angry about being "dumped", and I think if you just give him time to heal, he'll realize what an awkward position he's put you in, and he'll probably be the one to call you and try to set things right with your friendship.

 

As for your newer friend, I am sure she is REALLY grateful that you have not thrown aside your frienship with her simply owing to blind loyalties to your older friend. THAT definitely shows some class, and I am sure you have cemented your new friendship based on that alone.

Hang in there.

[Monty]

Thanks for your replies. I had a feeling I was doing the right thing but I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.

 

I could see his point if I had started dating her or something but we're only good friends.

 

Thanks again.