My Turn In the Barrel, Boys N Girls

[paul475]

So the inevitable has occurred. The woman who simply had to buffalo herself into my life while I was in the middle of therapy, is packing up her shit. G'bye. She's tired of *my* shit.

 

I've been out of work since November. It has been tough times, but we've managed to be pretty good to each other through it all.

 

But she insists on playing with her meds and we're both bipolar -- she's got a somewhat more chronic affliction history than I do, but her stuff needs to stop being important to me right now.

 

Right now, my head is swimming. She says I'm mean and nasty. That I haven't changed. She met me in the middle of therapy, others who have known me longer say that I have changed. She's been along for the bumpy ride that I did my best to discourage her from taking.

 

Some have said that I saved her life. Perhaps I did. I got a maid and a somewhat satisfying sex partner out of the deal and she got to get her life stabilized. It was the best I could do at that time because I just knew I couldn't tolerate alot of extra bumps in the road. I needed stability, too.

 

Well, one year out of therapy and now I get this slap in the face. I don't feel like I can handle it all. My nervous system is just shot. I can't allow a comeback after something as traumatic as this. Meds or no meds, she's just not inclined to grow up. She thinks everything is fine and that she is the graceful and dignified one, but I only see that on the surface.

 

To live with, I'm dealing with someone who simply can not put labels on their feelings and talk about them. She vomits them up when she gets fed up with something that's not going according to her plan. Whatever.

 

I love this woman, but I am not IN LOVE with her. I've sort of given up on romantic love ever since I read, and understood, A Course in Miracles. It would be nice to have some infatuation and some passion, but I do fear what the old me did with that stuff in the past. Keeping things somewhat cordial and distant, as opposed to being entangled and enmeshed on a daily basis, seems to work for me. I guess self control is important to me because I was out of control for so many years -- like 37 of them. And many of those 37 were lived around alot of out of control people.

 

I feel sadness. I feel hurt. I feel discounted. I feel disrespected. I feel anger. I feel rage. I feel fear. I feel grief. I feel vulnerable. I feel violated. I feel unimportant and insignificant. I feel like crying, but the tears don't come easily for me. I feel excited about the future. I feel worry about my present. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone. I feel lonely.

 

And sometimes all a person can do is just sit with their feelings, as uncomfortable and jarring as they are, and just feel them. Oop. Door opened. I have to go now.

[Alistair]

It seems to me that this woman has not helped ( in the long run) with your problems. The perfect fix for you is to forget about her (at least for now.) You should go out with your friends, get drunk and get laid. Then take a look at what you've got. You will realize that fun is the most important thing. Life is a gift - LIVE IT.