What to do. GF having some old issues

[doc1234]

I've been in this relationship for about 6 months now. I'm 47 and she is 55. Things were great and we both seemed very much in love. There unfortunately have been some issues during the last few months. She has had alot of things going on in her life. A major move from a house she lived in for 20 years and the marriage of her daughter. These things caused her to be more distant from me. But I just figured she needed the support and I did support her going through these things. There were still many fun times even though we weren't as intense as when we first met. Except the Ballroom dancing that we have both always loved. It's been a bit of a roller coaster for me, because her feelings seem to run hot and cold.

 

In the last few weeks though things seem to be getting harder for us. She had an intense relationship with someone 5 years ago that she was going to marry. This person had died before they could marry of a long term illness. The anniversary of this came up last week for her. We talked in great length about it. To put it in briefly she still has a lot of guilt issues with his death. There seemed to be even more distancing at this point, for instance not kissing me when I come in to greet her.

 

Finally she told me she did not want to hurt me. But that she could not be available for me due to issues she still has about her dead fiancee, because in her words: "It was definitely affecting me and I knew SOMETHING was affecting our relationship. It is something that I know I have to deal with." She wants to try and work it out. But she says: "That is part of the reason that I have kept saying I don't want to hurt you....the more I seem/seemed to need some space or time to figure out what is going on inside of me, the more I seemed to be hurting you. "

 

I asked her if we could be friends to see if she could work this out and agree to not see any one for a period of time. She agreed to this. I'm not sure how deeply she really cares for me or not. She tells me she's very mixed up.

 

Her last email had the following items in it. Please continue to "be there"...I want you there...no need to apologize. Just be yourself, Mike. I appreciate YOU! " PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE....don't think I don't want to hear from you!"

 

Now this sounds good but the last time I saw her, her actions don't seem to match.

 

It sounds line she wants to have us maintain contact while she fiqures things out. But to be honest I need more guide lines. Maybe we could have like a date night once a week where we just go out and do something fun with no pressure. Just doing email and phone calls doesn't quite do it for me.

 

I could do the NC thing I guess, we have both disscussed how we are not into the not talking to someone until they miss you "is kind of a game" But at this point I'll try anything.

 

Thanks

[russia]

you have good suggestions, so i suggest you act on them.

 

ask her for some guidelines to hang on. the once a week thing should be fine and fair

 

if she needs to talk to a counsellor, you may want to encourage her