SpottiOtti Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Hi all, My roommate has become involved with a man who is definitely abusing her emotionally (I've heard the abuse) and now, it would seem, is becoming physically abusive as well. Tonight I saw evidence of it. They have been dating for about a year, and he is now living with us. I have always felt uncomfortable around him, and often lock my door when he is the only one home with me. She knows that I think he is a bad guy. I come from an abusive home, and was in an abusive relationship myself a few years ago that I am still suffering the effects of. After tonight, it would seem that I am once again living in an abusive household. I have no desire to add to the somewhat considerable stress of my life as is, with being in fear of my safety. But I am in fear for hers, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to abandon her, but I know from past experience that you cannot talk a woman into leaving an abusive man, and I know how frustrating it can be to watch someone you love continuing to let a person mistreat them, as though they are in a trance. I have talked to her and told her that I believe he is emotionally abusing her. She seems to be in denial. What should I do? Link to comment
cherryx Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 First of all you should consider leaving. Being under the same roof as him can prove dangerous and can do you a lot of emotional damage. Maybe you can get through to your friend another way, try telling her mum or family member that has more of a chance to get through to her. When you're with her alone explain that what she's going through isn't right and go through different advice and helplines that she can ring for help. This has put you in a very difficult situation as the abuse could get worse, he can turn on you in anger you can also become a victim. Legally, you have a right to not have him in your house if you don't want him there and should take action to get him removed from the property, of course I understand that it isnt as easy as you're in a very difficult situation. Hope this helps x Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thank you, cherryx. Yes, I think if I had to, I would have called the cops tonight. But then, if she decides to give him another chance or whatever, I'm the bad guy for calling the cops on him. And if she's going to let him back in the house, who knows how mad he would be and whether he would hurt me too. I feel like if I stay here it will cause me emotional damage. The way he was acting just now gave me flashbacks to my ex, and now I can't sleep. But is it selfish of me to leave my friend? I did think just now, maybe I could go to her mom's house and talk to her mom. But I wasn't sure if that would be overstepping. I can't enlist the aid of her siblings cause they all live out of town, and he's got her effectively separated from all of her friends except me, and if I wasn't living here I know I would never see her. It's textbook, actually. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 But is it selfish of me to leave my friend? no your number one .....YOU ... as you said unfortunately you cannot talk a woman out of this ..she will crawl out of it on her hands and knees with her blooded nose and teeth missing ....and her soul ripped apart form the emotional abuse ... then you step up to the mark and help her ...hold her , talk to her ... but this will only happen when it dawns on her that this is no good ... but for now ..she has made her choices and you where not high priority for her letting him move in your flat . tell her your reasons and get the hell out .. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I meant to add I had this but it was my next door neighbour ... I was in 3 very bad relationships spanning over 12 years ( see it took me 3 of them for it to dawn on me !!!!) so when my neighbour and her fella started it used to disturb me ..I could hear the furniture smashing , the screams ...it was awful ...and it brought back every ounce of my 12 years through those walls ... I have every sympathy Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 When someone is destroying themself through their actions...and that self-destruction has the potential to create "collateral damage" the people on the sidelines who are at risk need to save themselves and get out of the path of destruction. If she was an alcoholic, a drug abuser, someone who couldn't control her money and therefore always stuck you with paying the bills...would you think twice about walking away? I suspect not. Her being with an abusive man and continuing to accept it is basically her destroying herself and dragging you down with her since you live with her. You owe it to yourself to get out ASAP. She would sacrifice your friendship in a heartbeat for this man...so don't think twice about sacrificing her friendship. One suggestion I have is to talk to an organization that specializes in helping women in abusive relationships..but not for your friend, for yourself. They may be able to advise you how to end this living relationship without getting into legal issues regarding the lease and payment of rent. You need to make sure that if you leave, you will not be subject to legal hassles for breaking a lease etc. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thank you very much for all of your answers. Shooting Star, I hope you moved from your neighbors? I can't even begin to imagine hearing this all the time. I slept four hours last night, and badly at that with nightmares of the ex. CAD, you bring up an interesting point with the parallels to drug addicts. And you are right, I know she would give up our friendship; it has already suffered because of him. Poppa, I don't know if he has BPD or not. Actually, I fear it is the more sinister Antisocial PD that he's got. He is very charming and manipulative, but changes faces in the blink of an eye. And I have told her this. I am thinking of asking her to lunch and telling her I have to talk to her about something, then just saying, "I don't want to leave you in a bind, but I cannot live with an abusive drunk. I moved out of my family home to escape an abusive drunk. Now that I am an adult and can live where I want, I choose not to expose myself to this toxicity. I am going to begin looking for my own place." Something like that. I am hoping that it may be a wakeup call for her to hear it, that maybe she will see that his behavior IS a big deal, but my hopes are not that high. I've been down this road with other friends, and know it is like hitting your head on a brick wall. Do you guys think I should be honest about my reasons for moving out, or will she just turn it around and think I am stabbing her in the back or something? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 My suggestion is that you do your homework first about finding a new place to live before talking to her. First and foremost you must protect yourself. She will not side with you, she will side with him. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 Yes, now that I think about it, maybe it would be better if I don't say anything about him. I originally thought I would tell her the real reason then say, "Please don't mention the real reason to him; I have no desire to get into any type of altercation with him" but who knows if she will tell him or not? I want to give her notice so I am going to let her know when I give her July's rent that I plan to begin looking for a new place. If she asks why though, I don't know if I can stop myself from telling her the real reason. This makes me angry. I was there before he was, I've been her friend for a long time, and I pay rent and bills and he does not. (Another thing she tries to hide, by dodging questions about it but he's not had steady work so I can't imagine how he would be paying for anything.) Today when I got home from work their cars were both there, and I heard the TV going and stuff so I'm assuming it's all back to normal. I just know she's telling herself, "Oh, he was just drunk" or something like that. Denial, minimizing, etc. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 I agree you have to protect yourself. You have to find yourself your own place and protect yourself legally. YOU have to come before her. She does not care how you feel about it. I agree she will support him and not you because she is so stuck in her own abuse. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Well, i told her yesterday that I plan to look for a new place. She didn't ask why and didn't seem surprised . . . I worry for her safety but I guess it is best that I just leave. Thanks for the advice everyone. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Hey There! If he is not on the lease, he has no right to be there. I know you don't want to leave her, but you have to take care of yourself as well. Actually, you deserve to be first. You never know how these things could turn out, he could intend to hurt her, but hurt you instead by accident. No one wants to live in an abusive environment, there is so much strife and it's the opposite of peace. You're an adult now, which means you have options, which is great. You survived your own abusive relationship so why should you have to suffer through hers? That's not your burden to bare. If you're friends, tell her you care, but you have to go. Believe me, I know it's painful. No one wants to feel like they are abandoning a friend....however you've got to take care of yourself. You're not her mother. Being her friend shouldn't require you putting yourself in danger. Just say goodbye and get out of there. Link to comment
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