Broke up 4 weeks ago with the love of my life, now im second guessing

[CountryHGirl]

From the moment my bf and i got together i KNEW he was the one. To this day i dont think i will ever find anyone like him. I know everyone says that, and i know i can find another relationship someday, but nothing like this.

 

My ex and i got together about 2 and a half years ago. If you read my first ever post here you can get the back story but in a nutshell, we were perfect, both knew we wanted 'forever'. Slowly within maybe the last year or so, ive seen all of his family issues(dad is an alcoholic) and all of his bad habits, and lack of motivation start to show. Just within the last 3 months have i really sat him down to talk about these things, specifically his drinking/smoking weed and choice of job.

 

The drinking has always been a big red flag for me, and i told him hed have to cut back and soon. He didnt. Also, his friends are horrible influences, they smoke weed and drink constantly with no job and basically just waste their life. Mind you, i have never even met these people, my ex never had me meet them because i dont like their lifestyle i guess. The job situation is a real kicker. Its basically an easy cop out job with no real value and wont help him later in life. He could get paid more somewhere else but says other places are too strict for him and he likes to make his own hours, come and go as he pleases, and take breaks whenever. It shows no motivation for anything. He wants to own his own business someday, and working at a little independent store (almost gas station meets fast food restaurant) just isnt going to help him. The best part? His ex now works there as well, and to be honest, ive about had it with her. She comes with a whole host of issues that have been a source or problems for my bf and i since we got together, but thats another issue.

 

I basically told him all this, offered to help him turn his life around with the drinking and find a great job that he could possibly make into a career once he graduates college. He basically said no, he likes his life and i have to deal with it. I told him about 3 months ago that if things didnt change, we would have to be done, i couldnt put myself thru another relationship like the one with my ex again. He basically called my bluff, and I then had to make the hardest decision ive ever had to make, and i broke up with him.

 

We didnt talk for about 3 weeks, and during that time i felt great. I felt empowered, strong, and felt as though i didnt even miss him. Looking back i might have just been numb and in shock that for the first time i actually did something for myself. But about 2 days ago, i started to just miss him like crazy, second guessing my decision, and wanting to contact him. I did and we met up and talked for hours, during which i cried like a baby at points, and basically kept asking why i wasnt worth it for him to change this stuff that could help our relationship. He told me that if i really loved him, id stick it out with him about the job situation and hed try to cut back on the drinking.

 

I am just SO CONFUSED. I dont know what to do, im a mess right now. I keep thinking maybe i should just go back to him, but then i think that if i WAS really worth it for him, he would change all this stuff. Am i just being selfish?! I need some advice, i dont know how to handle this.

[CountryHGirl]

i should also mention that during these past 4 weeks, the first 3 he was extremely upset. Our mutual friends told me he was off the deep end, would cry about me and such. he also took to twitter about his sadness and i saw firsthand. And within one week all of a sudden hes fine? Im just confused on that too, but everyone has confirmed theres no other girl.

[sentencedtoagony]

My ex told me she'd try to be good for me, but she could never follow through. Unfortunately, it takes a long time for people to change. If you want to give it a wholehearted second try, go for it. But, it may just be the same thing all over again.

[discouraged]

i wish my ex felt the same way like you did. She had issues with me about my partying/drinking and didn't like my friends because they were "bad influences" (they just aren't that successful in life). so i gave all that up...

 

she was also big on me getting a degree, so i went back to school while worked part time. Ive been at it for 3 1/2 years, but apparently wasn't good enough for her.

 

She still broke it off with me because i didn't have the drive and determination to be successful in life... also because i didn't take her out to new places to see/experience since i was either "too lazy" or too busy with school. She said even if i graduated and got a career in the field i want to get into, it wouldn't be good enough for her... (her exact words)

 

What I'm trying to say is, if he really cared about you, he would understand your concerns and see you're only trying to improve his life. If he doesn't, then you should find someone who can appreciate your criticisms and advice. You're not being selfish, you're being realistic. What he's doing currently isn't anything worth a relationship for. Just my honest opinion.

[OneSadPuppy]

CountryHGirl,

 

With all due respect, he sounds like a loser!

 

Messed up family, drugs, alcoholism, no motivation, bum friends, no interest in pleasing you.

 

Sorry, but I think this guy should be left to his own lovely little life.

 

Never look back at this one, unless he comes begging you and your direction in life.

 

OSP

[DN]

It sounds to me that you acted more like his mother than his girlfriend and that is no way to get someone to change.

[CountryHGirl]

Thank you all for your advice. It confirms what most people have been saying to me, but i think my heart and feelings are really starting to sway me to get back with him even if id be unhappy. I just dont get how hes just so 'ok' now. Maybe hes realizing he wants that life more than he loves me.

 

DN- I have thought that before, and have told him that im tired of being 'his mother'. In some ways he does put me into the 'mother' position, even telling me that if i wanted him to be more successful, i should go out and find him a good job myself. I just dont think thats what needs to be done, even though id do it in a heartbeat if it meant my relationship would be back and healthy in my life.

[DN]

Well, you say that these traits have just started to show but also that his drinking has always been an issue and I take it he didn't give up a good job with prospects for what he does now. So really, he is the same guy you fell in love with but now you want him to change into someone else. But he won't change for you - nor should he, he is his own person and gets to choose his own lifestyle. If he wants to change anything he will because he wants a different life for himself.

 

He isn't asking you to change the way you are.

[carabucott]

I have been going through something similar. To make a long story short: broke up with my gf of 3 years for about a week. I was starting to miss her so much, I was thinking about getting back with her for good. I was even ready to take things to the next level (engagement ), and pow! I found out she was already on dating sites, met few guys, and even slept with someone. It hurt like hell ! Yet, it also made me realize that she's not the type of person I would want by my side for the rest of my life. We had broken up before but just for a day, and back then she pulled that dating site thing also. When I found out and talked to her about it, she broke into tears and swore she just wanted to see if someone would be attracted to her, because she felt worthless. She kept saying she realized it wasn't the best thing to do and told me she had matured and wanted to prove it to me. Yet, that is exactly what happened the second time around.

 

 

I still do miss my ex. However, the fact that she did what she did made me realize it would not work. I do feel lonely and miss all the good times she and I spent together, but like Churchill once said, " if you are going through hell, keep going." So that is where I stand.

 

 

With regard to your situation, Sounds like you’re lonely and missing that connection but if there was anyone else on the scene it’s not likely you’d be giving him a moment’s thought. That’s a very common experience.

 

We think we’re missing our ex but really we’re missing connecting with someone to share those good times and less so. So yeah I’d hold off and sort through the feelings some more. The time to get in touch is when you no longer feel so COMPELLED emotionally to do so.The time to get in touch with him is when you KNOW how you feel and aren’t confused.

 

So take some time to reflect on your relationship. What do you need out of it ? Can you live with him if things never end up changing ?

 

 

My story:

[ParisPaulette]

These are sometimes the hardest relationships to get over or deal with. You see the potential and you want what's best for the person, but unless they are willing to change for themselves it's a lost cause. If your BF is going to change it will be because he wants to change and is ready for that change. Losing you may or may not tip him over into that need for change, but even so it's more likely that there will be a brief honeymoon period where he tries to clean up his act then slides back into the usual patterns of behavior. Particularly if he and you both think that just not drinking or doing drugs will solve the problems between you. An acquaintance of mine years ago who ran a drug rehabilitation center explained some things to me when I found myself briefly in a similar relationship. Basically that if an alcoholic or addict wants to get clean and straight it means more than simply not drinking or doing drugs. Going through the withdrawal is often the "easiest" part of the whole addiction. (Not that any of it's easy though) Getting clean, really clean and turning one's life around completely also means being willing to and making significant changes in one's life that include leaving behind friends, work and possibly relocating altogether in order to distance oneself from all external influences that created and/or allowed the person to use drugs or alcohol. And that's not even touching on whatever psychological, emotional and/or physical problems may be there that one is using the drugs or alcohol to mask. And only one person can do all that--him.

 

You really need to be asking him if he's willing to give up all his friends, his job and connections to anything and anyone associated with his drug and alcohol abuse. If he really is and he is genuinely wanting to seek help then make sure he does so for himself and that he does the work to find and obtain that help without your doing any of the work for him. Certainly you can be there if he needs to call someone to talk him down from using a substance, but that's honestly about the extent of what you can do. Otherwise you can bring the best help to his door continually and pay for all of it, but much like the horse who refuses to drink water from the trough you'll only get kicked and wet if you try to force him to change without his own willingness to get free. I wish you the best whatever you do and him also since I do feel empathy for how rough it can all be to get free of an addiction, but please remember he will only be successful to the degree he wants it and works for it for himself. Good luck.

[rAFC]

Figure out why you would pick a "fixer-upper" instead of someone who is already at where you expect him to be in life. I suspect you could have some issues with low self-esteem.

 

I also believe that had he changed for you and worked towards becoming the "man you want him to be" that you would have gotten bored and dumped him anyway because you aren't attracted to a man who has his life together. I think that this is what happened in discouraged's post above. One of the keys to attraction is to remain the person you were when you originally attracted your partner.

 

It can be difficult to accept that you may be attracted to people like this, but realize that logic (wanting a man with his life together) and attraction/emotion rarely work in concert.

[MikNomis]

I think it's for the best that you two split. Right now the breakup is still very fresh so you will be giving bias to the positive memories of your ex and be missing him a lot. But if you do get back with him, what's likely to happen is after several days of feeling great about being back together, that feeling will fade as you realize all over again that this isn't what you wanted. You two have two fundamentally different views on life that are incompatible, and neither of you are willing to change it.

 

The thing to do here is stick it out with the break up. As long as you do that, you will slowly stop remembering only the positive and start remembering the negative as well, and at that point you will think to yourself "Yeah, I did make the right decision."

[CountryHGirl]

Thanks once again for all of everyones great advice.

ParisPaulette- I did ask him to go to counseling because of all of his issues. He first said no way and thought it was for losers, but then came around and did go. As far as i know, hes only gone once and hasnt been back though...

 

rFAC- I have wondered this, if i am only with guys because of low self esteem and men who dont have their life together. I mean i still am pretty young, but have dated successful men who i liked, but things didnt work out. I might have to look into this more.

 

MikNomis- Reading your post made me really think. If he wasnt willing to change his views on life BEFORE the breakup or even shorty after, he probably wont now, 4 weeks later.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Im really hoping that talking this out with people who have an unbiased opinion will help me accept my breakup or help me get over it. Its tough right now, most of our friends were mutual, and it seems they have taken his side(most are guys, some girls too though) and im sort of left with a best friend who has moved away with her husband and friends that dont have time to help me thru this. Im staying with family now, but even that gets lonely.

[discouraged]

Figure out why you would pick a "fixer-upper" instead of someone who is already at where you expect him to be in life. I suspect you could have some issues with low self-esteem.

 

I also believe that had he changed for you and worked towards becoming the "man you want him to be" that you would have gotten bored and dumped him anyway because you aren't attracted to a man who has his life together. I think that this is what happened in discouraged's post above. One of the keys to attraction is to remain the person you were when you originally attracted your partner.

 

It can be difficult to accept that you may be attracted to people like this, but realize that logic (wanting a man with his life together) and attraction/emotion rarely work in concert.

 

well, not to steal the thread, but she didn't dump me because she got bored that i had my life together. I was dumped because i was taking too long to finish and didn't aim big enough according to her standards. She isn't attracted to men who don't have their life together, she's attracted to social status, image, and excitement.

[ParisPaulette]

Hmm, honestly it sounds like you've moved on past the party phase of life and are wanting more grown-up things now. And he hasn't quite reached that point yet along with a number of mutual friends. And it is lonely at first when you leave all of that behind. The good news is it leaves the door open to find new friends and loves who share your more adult interests. I know the breakup is hard right now, especially when it's all so new, but time will help. Work on yourself and your own life for now and you'll come out on the other side a much happier person.