And here we are...

[Mako47]

Some of you might remember me, some not...Here's my story.

 

In a nutshell..

 

My ex and I were together for 3 years in a very close relationship. She left. We lived together, and were very close. I had noticed a 'shift' in her before the break up, but never chalked it up to 'close to breaking up.' Well, it happened. I was (am) crushed. Now...

 

About 3 months later, I got into a relationship again. This was a mistake, since all through the time we were together, all I could think about was my ex. I still Love her....very much. But...I learned a lot in the time we were apart, about myself, and her as well. Obviously, I had to end the current relationship...I couldn't go on pretending any more, and I was honest with her. Didn't take it well. Do they ever? That was the first time in my life that I had to end a relationship, and it was a very tough think to confront, and undertake. So this is the thing...

 

I ran into my ex after 4 months of no speaking at all really...and she asked why I was being so weird, and I told her.."I don't know, but I really miss you like crazy" Here's the thing, gang....she said she missed me as well, and then gave me a huge hug. I don't mean to get all sappy, but I tell you this...when she was in my arms for that brief moment, I felt whole again. I really did. I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime, and she said maybe. So a couple of days ago, I called her and asked if she wanted to go to a movie, or whatnot, and she said to call her in a couple of days to see. I was ecstatic. I ran into her today, when out for a walk here in town, and I said to her, since she gets off at 9pm, did she maybe want to get something to eat instead, and she said she didn't want a movie, or anything to eat, but maybe we could go for a walk or something, and to give her a call on Thurs.

 

Am I living in a fantasy land to think the possibility is there? There is a bond between us that I just can't explain, and I'm losing my mind here to think....maybe.

 

*gulp*

 

Any advice would be ace. To quote the Beatles....HELP!

[Clarabelle]

Go slow and take a deep breath. And try not to obsess about it. Have fun and enjoy each other.

[trishcollins]

I have learned NEVER to get involved with anyone for at least a year after breaking up from a serious relationship. The other person is always the transistional one that helps you get over your other "ex". It's usually me who ends up dating guys who have only recently broken up or lost their previous partner, and I have ALWAYS paid for it in the end. However, you learned something important, what it's like to be the dumper. Perhaps giving you some insight into what you "ex" went through.

 

As far as meeting up with her goes, from what you have said so far, I see her as being cautious but open to communiating. Take it slow and don't push it. She is obviously still interested but being too pushy might backfire on you.

 

Congrats and do report back on how it went. Good luck.

[Mako47]

It really knocked me back when she said she missed me as well, and then hugged me....it was very good. I just feel that it's 'right', ya know? What in the blue hell should I tell her when we meet up? Let it all out, about learning when we were apart, and such? Or just....damn, I don't know. I'm not one of those blokes with the old 'I don't give a toss' attitude...I do. I genuinely care about her, in the deepest way, still to this day. And I know somewhere inside her, she still does in some way. The time we shared together was too good not to have. I'm blathering on, I know...but I'm excited and bloody terrified at the same time.

 

"When I was younger, so much younger than today..." And all that sort...

[Mako47]

And another thing....there was no 'left me for another', or any conniving acts as such...at the time of the split, She didn't really know why she was leaving, and I still don't to this day, so I'm wondering what to talk of when we meet later this week.

 

Graaa!!!!

[Mix Maxster]

ok man if you're going to do this here are some general rules of thumb

 

1) Don't say anything that could come back to haunt you

2) Don't bring up ANYTHING about the past unless she does first

3) Don't make excuses for ANYTHING you did or try to explain yourself, NEVER DO that... it makes you seem as if you can't control yourself or that you're trying to save your @ss and look good.

 

4) DO NOT get into the immediate habit of phoning her all the time, at this stage in the game she has to "feel it" again and she won't with you trying to be with her all the time. If she CONTINUES to say "call me later" then you say "No, you call me when you're ready to meet"

 

5) Watch for what she says, most of the time you will get tested. Afterall if she's going to be serious about this, she has to know what she's getting into.

 

Of course there are some other things to do as well, but really man you need to stop worrying about anything that you may do to make her run away. Do NOT admit ANYTHING unless she asks you and even then there's a CERTAIN amount of honesty you can let out. Make sure to be calm and do your best not to seem nervous. She's a girl like any other girl when you get down to it, sure there's something different about her but when you TREAT it that way the way you act may turn her off. So please man just remember to take your time with this as it seems you're in a good position right now.

 

Max

[Mako47]

Thanks Max...but here's the dilemma...

 

I have learned so much since we broke up...what not to do, what to do, lots of things. I just want to tell her this....and the chances of her bringing up the past seem slim. I'm quite confused. So let her bring up the past first? Are you sure? I guess with the rebound relationship, I learned thwe true meaning of 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.' Hard to explain, but it's the truth. I believe we can make this work. I just want to scream it from the rafters.

[Mix Maxster]

It's that how do you know she wants to hear about it? That's something you need to keep in mind that if she doesn't want to talk about it then the last thing she wants is to hear you talk about it.

 

If she is adament on knowing about it then she will ask or talk about it, but just because you know doesn't mean you can go blurting it all out. Even if she sits there listening and openly talks to you about it, she can go right around to ignoring you or making excuses as to why she can't see you. What makes it count as that you KNOW it man, you said you learned a lot and that will come out in your actions. If it was your behaviour in the past that she got fed up with, then you won't need to tell her anything because she will see it on her own.

 

And yes if you admit things too quickly and too soon then you run the HUGE risk of turning her off for one or scaring her off for another, then you're back at square one banging your head saying "stupid, stupid!". You run a better chance of letting things come out naturally than to force it, I know for me I tried a very similar thing with my ex and she ended up blowing up in my face and then ignoring me all over again. Not saying it would happen to you too, but is it worth the risk? And for what? To get her to like you? is that what you want? to get her to have feelings again because maybe the past isn't an issue? Think about the message you are telling her when you go flat out and say to her everything you've thought about and gone over.

 

Just remember if she's serious and if she wants to hear it, she'll talk to you about it or ask you. If she's too scared to then I would STILL not say anything because you run a bad risk and as I said your actions will speak the words for you. All that matters is that "YOU KNOW" and that eventually she will probably figure it out later.

[Mako47]

Sensible...

 

I guess I am just excited at the prospect. I want it to work so bad. One of the things she did say, was to just 'go with the flow'. I am so stunned at the fact that she hugged me that time....seems so small, but it wasn't to me. It was like coming home again, if that makes any sense.

 

Max, I do know these things I've learned. You're right....blatting them all out at once could be a little intense. But I want her to know and realize that I have done a lot of thinking on this. It's so tangled...

[Mako47]

...And...

 

Should I read into the fact that she hasn't called me since we made contact again? Ow, my bleamin' head!

[craigblitz]

Buddy... I am happy for you... Great things, but to be 100% honest and quick to the point......Buddy repeat after me... This is going to be a long journey IF we ever get back together. This will NOT happened after 1 date. I am going to need patinece, understanding, and need to continue my life without her till then. Repeat that a thousand times..... undertsand it, believe it and ask yourself if that is what you want.....

 

Most of all do not over analyze anything.. Relax let her lead all conversations... Do not be an emotional tool and tell her how much you love her and miss her. Go have fun!!!!

[Mix Maxster]

Actually there's two things to this:

 

1) follow her advice, go with the flow.. in a sense that you should let things come as they do, don't force and don't expect. Be unsure of what will become of it, just make sure you don't rush it.

2) you need to care less lol, honestly I still get the feeling that you want it to work SO badly that you will be absolutely crushed if it doesn't. Seriously man you need to get out of that want, you cannot put that much hope onto this. I see good things coming out of it, but if you act like you want it so badly, it'll leak out into your behaviour or conversations and it could all be for loss.

 

I may have made it out like you'll never be able to say anything, all I'm saying is that you should hold off in the mean time because saying too much too soon may ruin your chance. Just take it slowly and maybe one day down the road you'll get a chance to say what you feel you need to, but if this has just started to happen I would refrain from doing such until later.

 

Max

[Mako47]

You are all very wise, and I thank you. Some good sense there. It's a good thing I'm a musician, because no release at all would be a nightmare. Thank you all so much. Can you think of anything else....the smallest details would help.

[shockeddismayed]

Mako,

 

I am excited for you! I really am.

 

But take it from someone who went down this road..... You NEED to get a grip. All of this talk about "special connections" and "she misses me, does that mean....." is not going to serve you well.

 

Here's why:

Your EX did not say "I want to get back together". And she has also sounded a little nervous picking a time/date for you to meet up. That likely means that she isn't ready to get back together YET.

It doesn't mean she won't ever be, but she is testing things out. So you need to take the pressure off of her and YOURSELF way more than you appear to be.

 

Try and remember when she broke up with you. She was confused right? She was a bundle of nerves.. she contradicted herself? Realize that some or all of that confusion may still be with her. When you see it, it will remind you of the unpleasant breakup, so you need to brace yourself for that.

 

Imagine... you go out and all she says is "oh I'm so glad you came out, I just knew we could be friends again". How will you react to that? Does that mean any romance is out forever? Maybe not, but it will be if you react poorly.

 

Or what if she has been seeing someone else? Or still is? Or, or, or.... the list can go on and on.

 

The point is that you need to dial it back a notch and PROMISE to yourself to just "let if flow". Let her lead... YOU LISTEN. If there is anything you need to say, count to ten and ask yourself whether you'll still feel that passionately tomorrow. (For example if she has another guy on the go, it will NOT be cool for you to press her on it, or ask too many questions.... and it is probably wise to give it 24 hours before responding AT ALL to startling news like that).

 

You are going to have to ACT cool. And let things settle before you respond. Just my 2 cents from 7 (yes SEVEN) of these "let's meet up and chat" dates over the last 3 months of my 7 month breakup. Some meetings went very well, others took a sour turn at the end when things get awkward (usually when the night is ending), and one or both of you say things you regret.

 

Best of luck.

 

S&D

[shockeddismayed]

Ok Mako,

 

My last reply came after I'd only read the first page of this thread.

 

Now that I've read it all, I like to re-emphasize one thing:

 

STOP

 

Seriously

 

STOP

 

STOP

 

I mean it

 

STOP

 

This girl has got you so wound up with ONE hug. You need to consider this from an outside perspective.

 

Let's assume she does still love or care for you. (ok I've got you listening now). Let's assume she wants to maybe try this again. And lets also assume that she is confused.... actually that isn't an assumption. We KNOW she is still confused based on almost EVERYTHING she has shown you (saying "go with the flow", being non-comittal about the date, etc).

 

Now... that you consider all of those things. Also consider that the BIGGEST fear any dumpee has (when they TRULY care about their EX) is that they end up hurting them again. It KILLS to hurt someone you love.

 

So I say again STOP.

 

She is considering meeting up with you ONLY because the time past has made her feel that she might be able to POSSIBLY work things out with you without risking her own worst fear... to hurt you again.

 

The moment you put pressure on. The moment you want to talk about the past. The moment you tell her what you've learned. The moment YOU try to take the lead in the conversation, could be the moment she realizes that you aren't over her.... which might be ok... but if it is TOO obvious that you aren't over her, then it will tap into her fear.

 

Once it taps into her fear of hurting you, it will also reinforce in her mind her own confusion.

 

Once that happens you have just set the clock back. You may not ruin everything for good, but you have DEFINITELY delayed whatever is inevitable.

 

If it is inevitable that you get back together, the only thing you can do by pushing, is mess things up.

 

Please play it cool when you meet up with her.

 

Be aloof and let her heart lead the evening.

 

If you are just having fun being together, relax and see where she leads you.

 

When a point blank question comes, use your best judgement and first say (do I NEED to answer this tonight, or can I dodge it and get back to her). One way to do that is say to yourself "has she answered this question yet?". If not, play the question right back at her by saying "i'm not sure, what do you think". Then once she answers you can give a bit back.

 

Examples:

Her: Do you miss me?

You: Well it's been tough (b/c she already said she missed you).

NOT: I miss you terribly and love you forever.

 

Her: Do you still love me?

You: Are you able to answer that question? or at most "I have strong feelings for you, but our love would need to be repaired".

NOT: I love you forever, here take this ring.

 

Her: What do you think went wrong.

You: Well, I've been thinking about that alot and have some ideas what could be improved, but I'm more curious to hear your thoughts first.

NOT: Reciting the list of many things you think she *might* have been upset with.

 

Her: Are you seeing anyone else?

You: Are you sure we are both ready for this conversation (implying you'll expect her to answer as well) ? or Well you know I was dating so and so, but I ended that... and I haven't brought anyone home to meet the family lol.

 

The point is.... be calm... don't get roped in.

 

One thing that might help to put this in perspective (b/c I honestly think you are like me, and are at risk of this based on your posts). Is that you MUST NOT take on her confusion. You KNOW what you want. You want the girl you loved who LOVED YOU BACK. You DON'T want the girl who is presently confused. thereforeeee, until you see EVIDENCE that she is no longer confused, don't treat her with the same feelings you would treat the girl you were in love with. For the moment that girl does not exist, and you are a strong man who will only go weak in the knees for the girl that knows she wants you.

 

There are some good Jack Johnson lyrics in "Flake" about this: "Just like a tree down by the water I shall not move... even after all those silly things you do... but please, please, please don't drag me down. Everything you know about me you're gonna have to change, you'll have to call it by a brand new name. Please please, please don't drag me, Please please please don't drag me down".

 

Don't let her confusion drag you down. Stand tall and proud that you know what you want in life. If she can meet those needs for you, excellent. If she can't you will have them met by someone else.

 

Trust that.

[Mako47]

Wow....that was quite intense!! Thank's for the head check! Now, A day 'till the possible meeting, I find myself wondering if it will actually happen. Nothing transpired to make me think as such, but It's just a feeling I'm getting. And if it doesn't...when I call her up (she was the one that said to 'defenitely call'), if she doesn't want to for whatever reason, it'll be crappy. For sure. Then where am I? I'm feeling quite lost, and nothing has happened yet. Keep it coming, guys 'n gals...this is helping more than you know.

[Mako47]

So....

Bloody.....

Confused.....!

[Mako47]

Holy...Trying to keep cool, but I'm simply electric with anticipation. It's like a terrible christmas eve. Will she, won't she...

 

..Deep breaths...

 

1 more day....hoo boy.

[craigblitz]

Mako I fear thre worst for you buddy.... you NEED to relax... Relax... Read S&D's STOP post.... For real if you can not handle seeing her and going all I love you till the end of time and stuff do not see her.. No I miss you, no I love you, none of that junk.....

 

Ugghhh... good luck bro, but please listen to people who have been there done that and made the mistakes ok....

[cmacey]

I'm having a meeting with my ex in a week or so too. We aren't meeting for a date or anything and I'll probably only talk to her for like 10 minutes or so unless she decides to keep it going. Just keep in mind what all these people have been telling you though, because the last thing you want to do is let her know you still love her unless she lets you know first. If you make her feel guilty or let her know you'll always be there for her, it's weird to comprehend, but it will just push her further away for fear of her hurting you, fear that you need her in order to be a whole person (which you really don't, you may think you do, but you don't), and additionally, it lets her know that she can move on without fear of losing you forever, which is a comfortable feeling for the dumper. Just act happy, act carefree and keep the conversation away from the relationship unless she leads it there first, and then only answer briefly, dont go into some long winded thing about how much you two were meant to be together etc. Hope this helps, although I think what everyone else has said has also covered it pretty well. Give a post back and let us know how it went, cause I especially will be interested to see what happenned so I can add it to my strategy for what I'm going to say and do. Best of Luck, let us know.

[antigone77]

I completely agree with this. As an estrogen-haver and also as a (don't hate me, please) dumper, I would completely agree with this.

 

When a girl dumps you, it's for a reason. Sometimes it's just reasons in her head. Sometimes it's not.

 

I don't know the circumstances of this case.

 

But I really would restrain yourself and try to look calm. Because a man that's all over us instantly -- especially one we have broken off with for whatever reason -- loses his appeal.

 

Emotional openness is the meat of many a wonderful, truly intimate relationship. But I sense from what you've told us that this spark is pretty fragile and can't bear the brunt yet.

 

Hang in there. You sound absolutely wonderful. And trust me, after many mistakes, she will realize that in time.

 

But don't blow it. Let her come to you.

[Mako47]

...still no word yet. She doesn't get to work 'till 6, so...I'm quite anxious. *sighs, and catches breath*

[Mako47]

...and oh yeah, thanks all!! Any last words?

[shockeddismayed]

Mako,

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but I feel that you aren't quite ready to see your ex right now.

 

You seem to be shifting to much of your self onto what she thinks, what she's going to say, when she's going to call. etc.

 

You need to maintain your own "locus of control". That means that YOU are in control of what happens and is happening in your life.

 

I don't think you are doing that right now, and it is critical to your own health.... so...... and others may disagree, but:

 

From an outside perspective, I'd want to see you pick up the phone, answer her call.... when she asks to meet up with you, tell her that you are still very interested in meeting up, but that something has come up for tonight. Then ask her if maybe you could meet up next (tuesday for example).

 

I know this sounds like a manipulative game that will unsettle her, and it might, but the reason I am suggesting it is for YOU. Because:

a) You are an emotional wreck right now, so you aren't likely to be objective tonight... and that can hurt your chances.

b) You need to feel that YOU have some control over whatever happens next. YOU also get a say in whether you get back together. Have you considered that YOU may NOT want to try again after hearing what she has to say? If not you SHOULD consider that. By turning the tables and suggesting another date, it is going to show you that you can affect some change in this situation as well..... you can then spend the weekend realizing that YOU are also in control, and thereforeeee when you meet up next week, you will do so with a better perspective on things.

 

I feel quite strongly that you need to be able to stand firmly on your own feet before going to meet up with her. I think you were doing just that up until her hug last week, but since then, from what I am reading, I think you have spiralled back into the pit. Prove it to yourself that you are still objective, self-assured, and confident.

 

Reschedule the appointment.

[craigblitz]

I concur 100% from what you have wrote you are not ready to see her at all. I mean there is not even a date set in place yet and you can barley handle it. I am not going to take the time to re-write what Shocked wrote but I concur 100%