Boyfriend is reluctant...what to do!?!

[lilxcutie53]

Hi!

 

I've been having issues with my boyfriend when it comes to making plans. Now, this isnt all the time, but happens quite often than I think it should. Many times when my boyfriend asks to see me, its always the day of wanting to see me, if that makes sense. He'll text me in the morning when he's gotten to work asking if I want to hang out. Typically, i have already made plans for myself whether its with a friend or going to the gym. I've told my boyfriend numerous times that its better if we plan in advance that way I can plan my week out or even plan a day before. He is super reluctant to do this, but then complains that we don't hang out enough. Eventually, it gets to the point where he doesnt think I am trying...I seriously don't get it and feel like I have exhausted my resources. What should I do?

[mhowe]

Give it up. He's being lazy -- or wants to see if something better comes up (hanging w/ his buddies). You've told him a few times you want to make plans, and you're not sitting around waiting.

 

So, either give it up --- or keep doing what you are doing. If he really wants to see you Sat, he can tell you today.

[Lookin4Answers]

Ugh I was here 6 to 8 months ago.

 

Assertively, calmly explain to him that you are a planned person. You have a schedule and that you want to see him, but spurr of the moment doesn't always work for you. If there is a day where it DOES work, don't say it won't work to prove a point, but also don't change your plans for him.

 

Can you both agree to have a spontaneous day, and a planned day?

 

It could be that your both just not compatible when it comes to life, and planning...

 

The only way is to talk calmly and rationally about it. My ex never wanted to plan anything... ANYTHING. I know that planning is a strength of mine, but ultimately he left because we couldn't connect enough...

My ex also admitted he hated planning because something he wants to do might spring up last minute. which honestly hurt, because he wasn't willing to set time aside for someone that he loved.

Keep me updated if you do have a rational talk.

[lilxcutie53]

yeah, I feel the same, its just strange that it's not consistant so my feelings about it always go back and forth.

 

When I am not busy of course I will say we can do something if its spur of the moment, but am I busy I always suggest another time or tell him when I am free and sometimes he's receptive to it and others he's not. Or it'll be like this:

 

let's say its Monday and he asks to see me, but I am busy and say I am free the following day(tuesday). Sometimes we will plan to hang out the following day(tuesday) or he won't be receptive to what I said. Then Tuesday comes along and he asks if I want to do something...

[markfromark]

He suffers from the "maybe something better comes up" syndrome (very popular in CA) and only contacts you when nothing better happens.

[lilxcutie53]

He suffers from the "maybe something better comes up" syndrome (very popular in CA) and only contacts you when nothing better happens.

 

Yeah possibly, but half the time when things are spur in the moment he hasn't even talked to his friends that day. So its not always "something better" because if he really wasn't too interested in hanging out then I would think he'd contact his friends to see what they were up to first. Also, typically, when it is spur of the moment, he texts me right as he gets to work and that wouldn't give him enough time to figure out what his friends are doing since half of them don't work full time jobs which means they are still sleeping at 8am. LOL!

[mhowe]

Then I think it comes down to him being lazy.

[RedDress]

I think some people are just planning people while other people are non-planning people. Personally, I think I trend more towards non-planning - although, if I see the non-planning is not working out because someone is particularly busy, I will plan.

 

I don't think it has to be about laziness, not caring or keeping your options open. For me, it's about stress reduction. I like to minimize stress and unnecessary obligations in my life. You see... if we have plans at 6pm, then I am worried about whether I am going to get this, that and the other done on time, what kind of traffic there is, I'm running around, I'm trying to make it, etc. It's stressful! Why are we doing that just to go for a drink?? (Not terribly important) Whereas, if I just think about it call you when I am on my way home, for example, then I get there when I get there. We drink when we drink. If it works, it works. No stress! That was a time based example but date based examples work too. If I know I have this on Tuesday, that on Thursday, the other on Friday... my whole week is planned out! Then it feels like you are just going through the motions. Running the race. It's depressing.

 

I think people in North America are waaaaay too obsessed with times, dates and calendars. Get rid of our watches and timetables and we are lost.

 

The plans with a friend, I get. But could you really not just wake up early the next day and go to the gym? Do you absolutely have to stick to your very strict timetable for that? Seems obsessive-compulsive to me... but... I'm a non-planning person.

 

I think you are just different. I don't think it's fair to call him lazy or uncaring...

[mhowe]

But Red, as you said "plans w/ a friend, I get". This is her bf, and she has told him -- -just pick a day, so I can put it in my schedule. She isn't trying to plan out his week, just their time together.

 

That he won't do it ---- speaks volumes.

[RedDress]

But Red, as you said "plans w/ a friend, I get". This is her bf, and she has told him -- -just pick a day, so I can put it in my schedule. She isn't trying to plan out his week, just their time together.

 

That he won't do it ---- speaks volumes.

 

 

You misunderstood what I was trying to say (or I probably just didn't say it well..). By "plans with a friend, I get", I meant - no one would expect her to re-arrange plans with a friend to be with her bf when he hadn't made advance plans.

 

I don't think you have to make formal plans with your bf. I don't think it speaks volumes unless it's saying "I don't like to plan".

 

I think the bigger question is... is she sticking to her principles? Why couldn't the gym be rescheduled if she wanted to spend time with her man? That's usually not an immovable plan. And how long are you at the gym, anyways? An hour? Why couldn't they meet afterwords? Why did that scrap the whole night?

 

Edited to add:

 

She might not be "trying to plan out his week" - but neither is his mom, his friend, those errands he has to do, the dentist appointment, etc.... and then oops! Your week is planned.

[FathomFear]

He suffers from the "maybe something better comes up" syndrome (very popular in CA) and only contacts you when nothing better happens.

 

I think that's kind of a pessimistic reason. Many people just don't like planning their lives.

[mhowe]

I get that they don't like planning their "lives". What I don't get, is if they are in a relationship, and the other person has a busy life, that they cannot/will not pick a DAY === and then get "angry" when you can't get together....because your life has filled up.

 

Pick a day. Fri nite is our nite.

Pick a day a day a head of time. I am free Thur.

 

Especially when they know it is important to the SO.

[Kaytie]

To me it is about respect for her time.

 

She is allowed to have a life outside of the relationship and he cannot just expect her to drop everything to cater to his whims. I am both a planner and quite spontaneous, but gym time, for instance, is something I take seriously and my meals, etc. revolve around that. It is something that I need to organize at least a day in advance and makes a difference when I wake up or go to sleep.

 

There has to be some give here - he cannot complain about their lack of time together, but then not commit a single evening or day the day before. She is not asking to plan out his whole week in permanent marker here - she is trying to fit in the various pieces of her life AND make time to see him. The issue is that he does not seem to want to compromise or help facilitate the other aspects of her life. That, to me, is all about respect.

[lilxcutie53]

Yeah exactly what Kaytie said...My complaint above doesn't happen 100% of the time in our relationship. I am all about being sponanteous and doing things at last minute, however I feel like there could be something wrong or lack of commitment if my bf is making plans with me spontaneously all the time or if it happens more often than he plans. Obviously, if a mutual friend is having a party that was planned in advance we will make plans to go together in advance, or were going on vacation, etc. If he's busy or is planning to go to the gym I don't ask him to re-arrange his schedule for me. It just makes more sense and is easier to just hang out the following day if we both are free, so it bothers me that he gets upset if I have something going on and will be reluctant to schedule time together for the following day. It makes it harder for me to want to do things spontaneously and at last min with him too when he doesn't want to compromise and find a day that works well for the both of us if I am busy or have a lot going on. It almost feels like sometimes he only wants to hang out on his terms and when "feels" like it, but maybe thats just something that I am perceiving, but isn't necessarly true. side note: we live a good 20 min away from eachother too now that i've moved.

[pinkelephant]

I'm also a non-planning type of person and my bf likes to plan. So.. whenever I suggest, let's do something today! He'll probably say no. It sucks. And it honestly puts a damper on things.

 

Having said that, I would be peeved to be in your situation. If you already talked to him about it and already deprived him of time spent and he STILL won't make a date with you, then you already have your answer. Was he like this when you were just dating as well?

[poetryandlyrics]

I have a friend who does the same thing. My SO is the spontaneous type and I'm the planner, but we don't face problems with that. We understand our differences and such. But my friend on the other hand... I frequently get texts from her that she wants me to go out with her to do this or that an hour before she wants to do that or an half hour. It's irritating since I often have a schedule made for that day. Even worse if I just ate and she wants to go out and eat dinner with me. I have told her many times to inform me in advance so I can work it out easily. Hasn't happened. But what works right now is... She texts me, and if I'm not busy, okay. If I am, I tell her that and I also say "but how about [another date/time for that event she wants us to do]." And it tend to work. I just get myself ready for that scheduled date and see if she's actually up to it for that day. It works for me right now.

[lilxcutie53]

Yeah..I just think that sometimes he doesn't understand why I couldn't change something around that only affects me. For an example going to the gym or watching a show of mine. Those are things that I could be flexible with and I think he gets pissed that I am not flexible with it. The point is that its my time and their plans for myself. Also, I feel like I have to draw the line in the sand somewhere otherwise there are many things I do that I could be flexible with, but if I always was, i could be available all the time and thats not good.

[abitbroken]

Yeah..I just think that sometimes he doesn't understand why I couldn't change something around that only affects me. For an example going to the gym or watching a show of mine. Those are things that I could be flexible with and I think he gets pissed that I am not flexible with it. The point is that its my time and their plans for myself. Also, I feel like I have to draw the line in the sand somewhere otherwise there are many things I do that I could be flexible with, but if I always was, i could be available all the time and thats not good.

 

You do not have to "Draw a line". You learned that he is not a planner. He likes to do things on the fly. it is not necessarily a horrible thing if he has crazy work days and doesn't know how he is going to feel later. Instead, help him be successful.

 

I think in some way you are trying to "train" him to plan. You can't. What you can do is if you see him on a monday night say "hey, I am going shopping with Ellie Mae Tuesday and thursday i am having dance practice. That is what my week looks like" So he has a clue of what your week is like. This way, he won't call those days and ask you to hang out, or if he does, you can kindly remind him that you mentioned what you were doing not to quiz him, though. And if you already have plans, you should kindly suggest when you ARE available ("i am going shopping with my friend, but if you would like to meet for a quick dessert later/would like to do something tonight instead i am free). It won't feel like rejection to him and on the other hand you won't be feeling like you have to "draw a line".

 

Also, don't pick tv over him. Either say "i am going to watch my show - do you want to come have an ice cream with me and we'll watch a movie after?" Or just catch it on Hulu later and see your boyfriend. And "hey, i am on the way to the gym, do you want to come? No? okay, then call me tomorrow. let's do something then."

 

Also,....you don't have to play hard to get. If you just were dating him three weeks, i would say don't be available all the time but at this point, don't pretend you are not available or make him feel that you choose your show or the gym ahead of him. Those aren't "plans". And you are NOT always available because sometumes you are not - i am sure you do things with girlfriends you planned in advance.

 

You can make plans with him too, you know?

[abitbroken]

btw, i am not saying you can't have your "me" time, but there is a difference between occupying yourself when you are not together vs putting obstacles to seeing him to "teach" him how to ask you out in advance.

[abitbroken]

I think that's kind of a pessimistic reason. Many people just don't like planning their lives.

 

If my boyfriend is feeling lively after work, he'll see what i am up to. If he is dead dog tired he is going to take a nap. We do make plans, but there are a lot of spontaneous things that might or might not happen depending on all that stuff.

[lilxcutie53]

I see what you are saying abitbroken. I am not trying to train him to plan, I just get upset when I am available spontaneously and then when i am not and let him know another time I am free he is sometimes reluctant to hang out with me on the day that I am free. I do live 30 min away from him now. Before, I was just 5 minutues so it was easy to head to the gym, run a few errands and then see him for a few hours. Since, I am 30 min away its harder to do things at last min. For instance, this past wed, I got home from work at 5:30, went to the gym for an hour. So I'd say I got out around 6:30ish. Went to the food store..by the time I got home it was already 9, so on Wed when he asked if I wanted to do something I figured the following day (thursday)would make more sense. He has poision ivy right now otherwise he would just come sleep over. I am going to try your idea with telling him what my plans are for the week and see if he remembers them and if not, kindly tell him I have plans. I'll see if that is more effective.