How do I get my wonderful ex back?

[antigone77]

My current (ex) boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years.

 

We are both 27, and met when we were 24, and we love each other very, very deeply.

 

Unfortunately, things starting cracking up about six months ago, when I came back from a trip to Belize to find that he'd deleted two weeks worth of my work from his computer -- by accident. I was very,very upset, and also feeling anxious and unsure of him because he had proposed casually a couple of months before, I accepted, and then he never mentioned it again.

 

I broke up with him, and we didn't speak for two days, which was very difficult because we were living together at the time.

 

Things never have been the same since then.

 

We got back together, but our communication broke down so badly, and he seemed so defensive when we argued that I got even more upset -- and broke it off with him again and again.

 

By the time I got my first internship (I'm a writer for the newspaper), we were on much shakier ground than I ever new. I had to travel half a country away, to Texas, to get the first experience that landed me my first full-time writing position.

 

All summer, we tried to keep contact over the phone, but he didn't call as often as I wanted to, because he was worried that he would say something that would make us break up again. For my part, I missed him more and more, and hurt so bad that I decided that this was it -- I had to know whether he was committed to me and to making things better, or I had to leave.

 

When I came back from the summer, things were halcyon for two wonderful days, during which I carefullyavoided the topic.

 

Then, I finally had to bring it up.

 

He said he couldn't be sure that he'd ever get over Belize.

I broke up with him, we got back together the next day, then I broke up with him again.

 

And this time, he said that this that was it. He could'nt take the pain of the breakups anymore, and we couldn't get back together this time.

 

I understand. I love him. He still loves me "with all my heart," he said, and we're best friends.

 

But being out here, and being away from him, and not talking to him (my idea, not his) I realize that, even when I was breaking up with him, I thought I was trying to change our relationship for the better. He is the love of my life, and I never truly thought we'd break up.

 

I want the love of my life back, but he can't even consider it right now.

 

I don't expect things to change overnight, or overmonth. But I would like some advice on the best way for laying the groundwork of a new, solid relationship that can later lead to reconciliation.

 

Being in Texas, while he's in Florida, makes it harder.

 

I want to learn from my mistakes and build that trust up. We haven't talked in two weeks (I was too broken up and requestid that we not talk for a while) but I would like to get the ball rolling.

 

I am in a lot of pain -- I feel like all of the light has gone out of my life.

 

Can someone please help me?

[kuhl282000]

Hello Antigone

 

I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through, "Yes" emotional pain is the worst kind. The good news is that people do get back together and can and have worked things out. Most people no matter who you are don't really like to argue. And when things get heated it is human nature to put the walls up. But if you both are looking for genuine love than you "both" have to put it all out there. It is called risk taking, and you both have to be on the same level. Sounds to me as if he wanted a committed relationship, but he backed off because in some way (and you may not have known it) but you hurt him. I'm not sure about the computer issue, sounds alittle pettie considering the rewards from the love he would have given you in the long haul.

 

The other challenge you have is you are both living in different towns. That would be a challenge for anyone, and I have found that relationships that work usually happen within a 25 to 50 mile radius. That does not mean it can't work, it means that the stats are currently working against you. Your reality is one thing, but the facts are the facts, and long distance relationships have a less than 10% chance of ever making it, that is a fact.

 

That does not mean you can't be one of the 10% or less, it means someone has to move, period end of story, you need to be togeter if it is ever going to be long term. Why ? Because you need to be together, if you are going to touch, hold, kiss if you want to love, care and nurture each other, that is just a simple fact of life. Two words can change everything the words are "I'm Sorry" I don't know all the details but I do know you being in Texas and him in Floria will never work in the long run, and deep down you both know that too. Someone has to move !!!!!!

 

Putting each other on an emotional rollercoaster is really no way to live, you will end up driving each other crazy that way. I have found that leaving all the bad things behind and making what I call a "Peace Treaty" and move on from there does work. You sound as if you really love and miss this dude, and if he was nice to you and wanted to hook up with you then you should miss him. And by the way he misses you too, even if he is being a guy and maybe just a little bit to "Macho" ...he is more than likely felling rejected from you at present and hurting inside himself. And like I said earlier he is not putting himself "Out There" right now...because he does not want to get hurt again. As guys, we can only take so much and then our favorite words are "I gotta go" that is the easy way out. But at the same time the hardest thing we will ever do when you really care for someone and really don't want to break up. I think you might want to give this guy of yours a call (after all you were the one who wanted it this way) so pick up the phone....and be gentle, very gentle and say your sorry and be the bigger person. And I think you might be pleasently surprised at the outcome.

 

However you have to realize that on Friday and Saturday night being over a thousand miles away that anything can happen over time. So try and keep the reality of the "True situation in check if you decide to make the call. And remember you are in allot of ways holding all the cards, you have a chance to accept his offer. And remember I'm not judging you in anyway however I feel you owe the guy an apoligy because I'm sure he never intended to delete any of your work from the computer.

 

So get your writers script together and have a small plan of what you want to say. Maybe even jot down a few lines on a note pad and put your heart out there again like the little brave squirrel dangeling way out at the end of a large oak tree. And yes you will have to be brave and have the courage to pick up the phone. But you can do this, tell him how you really feel. And by all means tell him you love and miss him and want him back. And remember you are welcome to PM me anytime. I live in Florida too, and if you are the one I'll get a big stick and drive to this guys house and hit him on the head with a big stick and tell him.....He dude this girl really loves you, get you butt out to Texas and back in her arms. So check your long distance rate, take a deep breath and pick up the phone girl. Keep me posted, I love happy endings. Good Luck and most of all remember if you make the call, it is to put the water under the bridge (by forgiving each other), you can't change the past ,but you can learn from it and improve on it. This will take your best effort, but you need to do this and you can do this. And I'll add you to my prayer list before I go to bed tonight which is right now. So you have another big fan hoping and praying for your wishes to come true. So lets see if we can mend that wounded heart of yours and get the both of you back on the right track.

 

These are for you, you might need them

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

8)

[ForAnother]

Just wanted to say, beautifully written kuhl.

 

ForAnother

[bri]

Start talking to him and stop breaking up with him. Sounds like he loves you dearly but the way you acted! I would be going mad if I were him. Try to be constant in your attitude to this relationship, and I mean like till the end of your life if you still want him to be your husband. Perhaps after some time he will learn to trust you again.

[lunatic]

Kuhl Great reply I read it and felt your compassion I have to admit I was inspired by your post my friend.

 

AntiGone I have some questions on your actions since you seem to be out to hurt this poor guy. Now I will not bash you for what you did I just want you to think about some of your actions ok?

 

We got back together, but our communication broke down so badly, and he seemed so defensive when we argued that I got even more upset -- and broke it off with him again and again.

 

Why would you want to keep pushing the issue here. It is really obvious that this guy is hurting inside and your rubbing the salt into his wounds. First and foremost, You CANNOT change anyone! You can offer the road to take to change but, NEVER EVER expect to change someone to meet YOUR needs. Sorry but, he has to be who he is and you have to be you.

 

But being out here, and being away from him, and not talking to him (my idea, not his) I realize that, even when I was breaking up with him, I thought I was trying to change our relationship for the better. He is the love of my life, and I never truly thought we'd break up

 

OK here is my point again. Why in Gods name would you continue to break up and get back together? Don't you have a heart and can't you see why this guy is done with you? Everytime you don't get what you want you RUN away and breakup. I honestly don't blame him for putting an end to this whole thing. How many times can you step on someones heart before they want nothing to do with you anymore? I honestly think he has had enough of this and I don't blame him for not wanting you anymore because you treated him like crap.

 

I am in a lot of pain -- I feel like all of the light has gone out of my life.

 

Now you know how he felt these last six months and you don't like it either. Well you put yourself here and I doubt he will take you back just from what I have read. Why if you loved someone would you hurt them so much so often?? You were doing it for the "sake of the relationship" and not what was best for the both of you. Everyone has different opinions and ideas on what a perfect relationship is. Next time in the future you will want to talk things out and realize that people don't always see eye to eye. That is what makes everyone unique and special. Instead of breaking up with that person because they will not conform to your ideas maybe try to see their side of things.

 

I do hope that this is a learning lession for you and if you guys get back together I wish you the very best. I am praying for you too, but before I do I wanted to wake you up and see what you did to him. I am sure that there were some things he said to you that caused you to act that way but, you did not state any so I am assuming your accepting all the responsibility.

 

Well I am sorry about the tough love but, you need it my dear. Sorry!

 

Hubman 8)

[Scout]

I too think Kuhl gave a wonderfully thoughtful and compassionate response and took a great deal of time to lay out a plan for you.

 

However, I agree with Hubman that because of the sheer amount of times you've broken up with this guy, you have badly damaged the relationship and your ex's trust in you.

 

You do seem to have a tendency to run away and break up when the going gets tough.

 

thereforeeee, even if you follow Kuhl's advice, I'm afraid you may revert back to these behaviors, because they are pretty strongly ingrained in you.

 

This is something you need to understand about yourself, and work on. Right now, I think you need to let the idea of getting back together maybe not be the one thing you are focused on. I don't think he's going to get back with you...at least not for a long time and until you've somehow gotten his trust back.

 

This is going to be very hard to do if you're both in opposite states.

[antigone77]

Thanks fo your honesty, guys. I appreciate that it's kindly meant.

 

A little more info for you to work (or garrott me) with.

 

Some updates:

 

1. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I should point out that I never did leave Andy; always apologized and tried to work it out but I think that we were so out of whack we just couldn't get our bearings.

 

Most importantly, I never wanted him out of my life. I was just so angry ...

 

2. Andy, my ex-boyfriend, told me when we broke up that he "still loved me with all his heart" and "I hope we can get back together" and "I'm trying to create something new between us."

 

3. I'm trying to keep hoping because one thing I know about him is that once he loves you he never stops loving you. This is especially true for his friends, all of whom he's had since elementary or middle school.

 

4. I also finally sent him an e-mail just acknowledging the things I've done wrong, and especially letting him know that I don't want to hurt him any more and want him to be happy. I meant it.

 

I know he's read the e-mail but I haven't gotten a response yet, and I don't want to push things. I really do want him to heal but I also would like to be friends.

 

So what do you guys think?

 

P.S. Being a woman, I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should get anger management counselling?

[bri]

There is always hope. But you need to change a great deal if you really want to go through with this. I strongly recommend you to read books by Laura Doyle "Surrendered Single" and "Surrendered Wife". I believe they can teach you how to be more understanding, compassionate and appreciative towards your partner. Of course - only if you really want to change.

[Scout]

Hi Antigone - based on the information you've given, and your own question about it, why not take an anger counseling class or something? To be honest, I can relate to this issue, because my temper has probably contributed to the demise of a few relationships, as well. It's just not worth it, it burns bridges, and leaves people with an unpleasant memory of you that overshadows your good points.

 

I think you can probably take what you learn from such a class or counseling session into other areas of your life, as well - business, family, confrontational situations, etc.

 

There's no shame in getting professional help when we find ourselves stuck in a certain area of our life.

[antigone77]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

 

An update: Andy got my letter, and I think he was touched by it.

 

I called him tonight, and he said he was really glad to hear my voice.

He invited me to keep calling and to keep him updated on my life.

 

I asked him to do the same.

 

It was a quick conversation, and light, and he sounds like he's doing well.

 

I know my own growth is paramount (and I did make those appointments) but I wonder if this conversation is a good sign?