NC is the ONLY way to go ... here's why

[trishcollins]

In the last 2.5 months, I have tried NC and only broke it four times. Once to call him on what would have been our "second anniversary" and emailed him 3 times.

 

Each time I emailed (I reread my emails several times), it was under the pretense of asking some question about something not important that I could have found out on my own, and some newsy stuff about what was going on in my life. However, at the end of each email, I found myself starting to write more and more about my feelings, how much I missed him, things that reminded me of our time together, dreams I had about us, and seeing us together in the future. Knowing that right now, circumstances would not let us get back together, but holding out hope for a reconciliation.

 

Each response from him was carefully edited, with "I miss you too and think of you often" kind of stuff, and even telling me he incorporated his business under the name "Ashton Insurance" which is the name of the place I live (eventually he was to move in with me) and not where he lives -- which was a huge sign to me, since this was way AFTER we split up and he had not even started paperwork on it before the split.

 

So, I started picking up on those points and pushing it further and further that it sounded like he had hope too, and I was happy to wait until circumstances allowed us to be together. I told him I understood why he was doing what he was doing, and although I would not put my life on hold, I would certainly put my "love life" on hold. BIG MISTAKE!

 

Well, I got a wake-up call today, when he sent me this response to my last email:

 

"Yes I miss you too but again I don't know what the future holds. I am getting concerned by your tone. I really don't want to hurt you anymore and yes I am very careful about what I say. Each email seems to be inching closer and closer (referring to my assumptions that we will be together again -- which he explained in a further email).

 

I do think of you a lot and it is very hard when I get emails from you. When I say what the future holds I mean when Patrick (his son) will be ready to move out. He won't move to Ashton and I won't leave him on his own. Maybe I am the one that's nuts.

 

Putting your life on hold is unfair to you since there are no guarantees. If it was just up to me things would be different but it is not and I know you understand that.

 

Please take good care of yourself."

 

What upsets me most is he won't say "it's over" and I think that's what I am pushing for. He just keeps saying he doesn't know what the future holds and their are no guarantees or promises. I find it really frustrating, and he has now suggested that he thinks its a good idea to go back to "NC" for awhile. (I had mentioned what NC was in a prior email).

 

I just hope I haven't pushed him so far, he now thinks I am a crazy obsessed person. I wish I had stuck to NC. Heed my advice, it's the only way to feel better and not misinterpret things.

[Clarabelle]

No, I'm sure he cares about you, and doesn't want to close the door to future involvement, for whatever reason, but you are right to move on. And don't you worry a BIT about possibly pushing him too far.

[idontgetit]

hi trish,

 

sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. you are pushing him, and you know that you shouldn't. true, nc is the only way to go for a while until you can contact him with no false pretense, and without trying to get a reply out of him. i'm sure that you don't want "that's it it's over 100%" but that's what it will be. give him his space, as hard as that is. i know it's not easy...write to us here when you need to slip. write what you would write to him if you need to get it out. it doesn't matter where you write as long as you get the urge out. . take care.

[rich46]

Heed my advice, it's the only way to feel better and not misinterpret things.

So true. Staying in touch slows down the healing process sooooooooo much, so I wish everyone who is staying in contact the best of luck...you'll need it.

 

Rich

[JohnnyTable]

Honestly, it does not matter what he thinks. Does he think it is over? Is he just stringing you along? There is now way to tell. Seriously, even if he tells you something, you cannot tell. He can just be lying or he can be confused himself. There is nothing that he can say in e-mail that will make you feel better. Try to write an e-mail to yourself from him that will make you feel better. Is it possible?

 

There is nothing that you can actively do to get him back. I'm convinced of that in most real breakup situations (except that some "breakups" are just manipulation and not real) the dumper has already made up their mind and the dumpee can only do things to push them away. I did the same thing as a dumpee.

 

So now what? *YOU* can decide that it is over. I'm talking 100% over, and yes this will take a little time to realize. At this point, what he thinks or does will have little effect on you. When you decide that it is over, you think about yourself. Now you are in control. Now you *know* that it is over so there is no mystery. He might have a mystery, but who cares.

 

It likely feels like one who is quitting smoking. Some people decide to quit and they never pickup another cig. Some people decide to "quit for awhile" and they always go back to it. So if you decide to quit for good, you are less likely to go back to your feelings for him.

 

After you decide that it is over, you don't care if he tries to come back or not. You don't have to decide now if you would take him back, because how can you live up to that decision? Maybe he will have changed or maybe you will have the new super stud on your arm? Decide that you don't care and leave it at that. Then think about yourself.

 

Although this does not sound like your situation, if it was an abusive relationship or very bad, then I think that one can decide *not* to take their person back ever.

[trishcollins]

Thanks everyone. It's so true. Keeping in touch does slow down the process of moving on. The reality is, if he really wanted to be with me now, he would figure out a way. I have to leave it at that and move forward with my own life. I was doing really well until this last week and then after emailing back and forth a few times, I feel like I took a step backwards.

 

This is a great forum to vent. Thanks for listening and all the advice.

[rich46]

Thanks everyone. It's so true. Keeping in touch does slow down the process of moving on. The reality is, if he really wanted to be with me now, he would figure out a way. I have to leave it at that and move forward with my own life. I was doing really well until this last week and then after emailing back and forth a few times, I feel like I took a step backwards.

 

This is a great forum to vent. Thanks for listening and all the advice.

Hey Trish,

 

I kept in touch with my ex for a while before reality set in. I thought I could heal by having contact with her. I thought I could move on and keep her as a friend. I was wrong and it was only when this reality sunk in that I could begin to move on FOR REAL. It's been about 5 or 6 weeks complete no contact and I am feeling so much better. I am looking forward to a new chapter of my life now, without my ex. I am going to New Zealand for 6-12 months in February and I'm looking at it as a new adventure, a new challenge, and a new page in my life story. How long can we cling on to the hope that our exes will come running back to us? 6 months? A year? The rest of our lives? No, we must be strong and move on without them, and the only way to do that is through no contact. Absolute no contact. It will be tough and I still have my 'down' days, but I don't have to suffer the rollercoaster of emotions that come with analysing my ex's every single word.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[trishcollins]

Thanks Rich. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I was doing fine those five weeks, then got anxious that he was "moving on" and forgetting about me and I panicked. As Johnny Table said "I need to decide it's over and move on", not leave the power to him.

 

You will love New Zealand. I visited there several years ago while I was living in Australia. Are you going to work there or just travel? I am planning a trip to Tasmania at Christmas -- just a couple weeks though. I have never been and a good friend of mine just moved there from the Gold Coast. I thought it would be a great trip to take that had absolutely no connection to my "ex".

 

Yes, I know NC will be hard, but I have been here before and I can do it again. I just wish I could "snap my fingers" and be six months down the road. I know by then I will have truly moved on, especially if I stick to NC.

[rich46]

I will definitely be working as I won't have that much to spend when I get there! I'm going with a company called BUNAC link removed so I will hopefully have made some new friends by the time I get there. I'll do anything though, whether it's bar work, fruit picking, etc - just being in New Zealand will be amazing! Some of the scenery I have seen in photographs is breathtaking! 2004 has been an awful year for me, but I'm determined to make 2005 the best year of my life!

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[trishcollins]

Good for you Rich. That's the right attitude.

 

I feel the same way -- 2004 sucked for me.

 

In April my truck hit a freight train (but I walked away without a scratch). I was very lucky but my truck was a write-off, my insurnace only covered part of the cost of a another truck and now I am facing careless driving charges (although there were no lights and no barriers, and the sun was blinding in the direction the train was coming). I am fighting it in court.

 

Then in June, my boyfriend ended out two-year relationship, not because he didn't love me, but because he daughter wouldn't accpet me in his life and he just couldn't take the conflict anymore.

 

Then in July, my father passed away.

 

I say bring-on 2005 -- the sooner the better!

 

BTW, there is usually lots of that kind of work going, so you will have no troubles there. Especially in the touristy areas -- Queenstown, etc.

[rich46]

Sorry to hear about all your problems this year.

 

Here's hoping for a much better 2005 for all of us.

 

Take care,

 

Rich