My Insight - when ex goes immediately to someone else

[herewegoagain]

My story has been posted here over the last month or so, but I thought I would give you all some more insight. Anyway, my ex gf dumped me and moved immediatley to another guy, and have been going out with each other for about the last 2 months. After only about a month after being broke up with me, a mutual friend of ours told me one night that my ex is totally in love with this new man (after only a month), and they are already telling each other that they are the loves of their lives, want to get married, etc. My friend was not trying to rub it in, she was actually kind of making fun of my ex for her "quick" feelings for her new guy.

 

At first it felt kind of weird to hear that, but if someone can move that quick, then more power to her. This just reinforces to me even more that my ex is not worthy of me. Actually, it feels good now that I can finally laugh about her. If that guy only knew what he is in for!!! LOL.

 

On a serious note, I kind of feel sorry for my ex , because she is very insecure, and can't be alone. And now, she is jumping into a serious relationship already since she broke up with me (4 1/2 years with me).

 

I truly hope that my ex gets what she wants with this new guy. Who knows, they will probably get married. I just wish for her sake that she would have taken the time to sort things out on her own, but she didn't give herself a chance to do so.

 

Also, my friend said that she over heard a conversation between my ex and her man, and he was saying to her - "thanks for putting up with me." So my friend and i were thinking - are they already having problems? Rebound problems?

 

And yes, i do miss my ex gf - but I miss the OTHER person that I once knew. Unfortunatley, that person no longer exists. She turned into something totally different.

 

Also I truly believe this - If you are in a similar situation where your ex falls in love so quick - I think that may be a good sign for you. This is because when they jump to such seriousness so quickly, it probably will not last. So I believe there is hope for you, but you have to decide that if/when they break up, wether or not you would ever take him/her back if they did come back to you. As for me, I would not, but for those of you who would, there is probably hope. In fact, I've heard many many stories of how the ex goes straight to someone else, and after 5-6 months, they call the dumpee. I'm not saying that it always happens, but it does a lot. so to all, hang in there. Remember, don't sit around and wait. Take care of yourself!!! I still have my days, but I am worrying about me now, and it feels better.

 

And i know this sounds stupid, but I actually hope she calls someday. It will really make me feel good to tell her to leave me alone. I know that's childish, but I hope it happens someday. I guess that proves that I am still hurt by all that happened. Maybe a few months down the road, I will not even think about her calling at all.

[rich46]

Well said herewegoagain! But seriously, would you turn your ex down if she came back? I mean, seriously?

 

I was thinking the same thing yesterday at work. It was such a long, boring day and the radio seemed to constantly play love songs that reminded me of the ex! What would I do in the unlikely event of her calling again? Now I am getting to the point where I almost don't want her to call as it will probably set me back again. Plus our would-be anniversary is approaching fast (31st October) so I am beginning to think about her more which I need to snap out of!

 

Great to hear that you are doing better though! You seem to have a great deal more clarity than a month or so ago - thanks mainly to your no contact time I presume.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[LostInTranslation]

Great post herewegoagain!

 

I somewhat agree with your words. My girlfriend of five years left me for another man - an ex-boyfriend of hers who mistreated her when they were together. It's been six months already and I still have no closure. I have moved on and have dated other girls, but at times my heart still longs for her.

 

I feel they will get married and maybe end up happy. That is what I want for her. But as the months have passed, I, too, feel like she is not worthy of me. I think she did me a big favor by leaving because I had plans on asking her to marry me this December.

 

As far as the dumper calling the dumpee after 5-6 months ... I am one of those cases where it won't happen. She has made no attempts to contact me for over six months. She hates me for some reason and I know I will never hear from her or see her ever again. But I know it's for the best.

 

Good luck with your situation and for everyone else who is hurting.

[herewegoagain]

Rich - now you are really making me think. I would still say no. My would-be 5th anniversery is this Sunday. It will probably hurt, but since I know she has been screwing this guy since we broke up, it makes me realize that she is not for me.

 

 

Also - to all - I wanted to add one more thing: If your ex broke up with you and has not contacted you at all, then they are probably with someone else. I know it may hurt to think that, but from my experiences and many other of my friends' experiences, that usually is the case. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but that is the way it usually is. i know it hurts, and I'm luckier than some of you because I found out within days that my ex was screwing around with someone else, and I'm actually thankful for finding out so quick. I think some of you who do not know yet, are always wondering. If I just found out today, I would be back to square one again!!! So for those of you who do not know if your ex is with someone else - they probably are - accept it!!! Expect the worst. Then if you are wrong, it will be a pleasant surprise.

 

I know this is not what some of you want to hear, and I sound pessimistic, but it's better to face it now than to have a relapse in two months or so.

[hockeyboy]

agreed...once you accept it...you can move on easier

[rich46]

If your ex broke up with you and has not contacted you at all, then they are probably with someone else.

Probably. Although I was the one who basically said I didn't want to have any contact, so I'd prefer to think that she's simply respecting my wishes. Whatever she's doing, I'd prefer not to know. Luckily, unless she explicitly calls me and tells me she's seeing someone else, then I'll never know. You are right though, it would set me back if I was to find out she was with another guy. But I wouldn't be "back to square one again," it'd be a hurdle in my healing process but nothing more than that.

 

I have no expectations of ever getting back with my ex again, and now I have come to terms with that I am moving on steadily.

 

It's great to hear the progress that the likes of you and hockeyboy have made. We were going through the initial pain at similar times, and it just goes to show that time is a great healer. I know I'm not completely healed yet, and I wouldn't expect to be after only 3 months, but it's getting better!

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[herewegoagain]

rich - I am not completely healed yet either. But I know for sure that I will not take her back if she ever wants to. I still miss her, am lonely, etc., but I know she is not the one. I guess that is a major step for us all - to realize that we are not going back to our exes.

[anon728]

herewegoagain, if you remember, you and I are in very similar situations. I had a rough week last week, but this weekend, I think I made it over a hurdle by finally admitting to myself that she is not coming back. As we all know, this does not mean that I am healed, and I am sure my emotions will swing back to feeling sad again, but my opinion is that this is part of the healing process. The feelings swing back and forth, and they almost swing farther and farther apart, like a pendulum.

 

Anyway, the point for my response is that I would not worry so much about whether you should take her back or not. I did that for a while, but then I realized, I was focusing so much effort on whether I should or not, what I would say if she asked, etc., then I realized, 'Wait, Anon, that is NOT the situation you are in...why are you creating these scenarios that do not exist.' It was like I was staying attached to the relationship by spending energy trying to think of why I wouldn't take her back. So, here is what I am doing, I told myself that IF she were to ever ask, that my first response would be, 'I don't know,' and THEN I would start worrying about it. That way, I am not spending energy worrying about a situation that at this point, does not exist.

 

You never know what could happen, and if she were to come back in 3 or 6 months, would you really say, 'well, I want to, but I told myself no, so no.'

[hockeyboy]

and when we do meet "the one" we will be so happy and thankful our exs did what they did. sounds weird, but true.

[rich46]

and when we do meet "the one" we will be so happy and thankful our exs did what they did. sounds weird, but true.

Hope it happens sooner rather than later!

[hockeyboy]

it will feel like its taking forever but when it happens it will seem like it happened so fast.

[rich46]

it will feel like its taking forever but when it happens it will seem like it happened so fast.

I must admit, it seems like about 18 months since my break up, but in fact it was only 3 months ago (which actually isn't very long at all)! I think it's because I've experienced the whole range of emotions during that time, some of which I'd never experienced in the previous 23 years of my life!

[herewegoagain]

Rich - I think Hockeyboy was referring to how long it will seem it takes for us to find the right one. It will seem like forever before we actually meet someone new who is the one, but when it happens, it will happen so fast.

[Clarabelle]

I enjoyed your post, herewegoagain, and everyone else's posts. After I kicked my husband out, he started going out with another girl a month later, and now they live together. I was patient for a while, because I wanted to reconcile and work out our differences, but eventually I realized that it would do me no good to be so patient and accommodating. My husband seems to only respond to ultimatums, so I asked him to cut out all contact except for that which pertained to our daughter. Not only has he been respectful of my request for NC, he has finally started becoming more responsible about sharing parental responsibilities.

 

The new gf factor was very confusing and painful for me, because my husband would tell me over and over that he didn't love her, that I was the one he loved, that he wasn't attracted to her, that she was dumb, that living together was only for practicality, and that he would leave her as soon as he was finished with her, but nonetheless he did nothing to show me that he was still committed to making our marriage work. Even a friend told me she ran into him with the gf in a bar, and my husband didn't introduce the gf to her and acted embarrassed of her. He wants to take advantage of our separation to be single again (he's quite a bit younger than me) and wants me to wait for him, even though sometimes he says "do whatever you want, don't wait for me". Nonetheless, I just need to move on, have resolution, and not feel like my husband is using the gf factor to make me jealous or insecure. A friend pointed out the less I react to the gf situation, the less appeal she will have for him, but I don't even care anymore. I'm enjoying the peace but now the feelings I had for eventually reconciling with him have been replaced by doubt.

[rich46]

Rich - I think Hockeyboy was referring to how long it will seem it takes for us to find the right one. It will seem like forever before we actually meet someone new who is the one, but when it happens, it will happen so fast.

I knew that!

[herewegoagain]

Clarabelle - that is a tough situation. I think you are right that you can't just keep on waiting for him. But I know it's hard. It seems like he wants you back eventually, but like you said, he just wants to live the single life.

[hockeyboy]

as you may know, the end of it got real nasty between my ex and i. i said some things that were harsh, and i still think she deserved them. it felt good at the time. however, i decided to call her one more time. i apologized for what i said, though i also made it clear to her that i still felt what she did was wrong and i still meant some of the things i said. but i told her i forgave her, even though shes not sorry and doesnt know what she did wrong. it felt really really good to be the bigger, more mature person. it makes me realize even more so that shes not worth it. i dont want someone who cant step up to the plate like i can. i admitted all my wrongdoings...and she cant. its weird for me right now cause i actually can honestly say i dont want to call her!! finally. also, i rather sleep in my bed alone then sleep with her because of what she did. though i still hurt, i feel better without her then i would with her. this was the first weekend that i smiled a lot in a long time. hopefully this gives some others hope

[ForAnother]

Yep I am the same way. Its been almost a month. Ive talked to her once since the breakup. I just feel worse after everytime we talk. So i am going to stop picking up when she calls. I just need to stop thinking about her entirely, and when that happens life will begin again.

 

I know she is with someone, and I like that feeling of knowing too. Its a lot easier to think. I also know the guy, we used to be good friends, so it makes it that much easier.

 

Its her choice, and at the same time I feel like i am doing justice to myself, and somewhat to her, by not dating and thinking about our relationship before I am ready to move on... so that the next person I am with gets the true me.

 

ForAnother

[herewegoagain]

ForAnother - that is an excellent point about how how you said you are doing yourself and your ex justice by not dating anyone yet. That shows that you are a better person than your ex - it's almost like you show respect for her (and yourself) even though you are not together anymore.

 

And like you mentioned, our exes new partners will never get the chance to see the real person that they are. They never gave themselves the time to find themselves. Like I said in my original post, I actually feel sorry for my ex - she can't be alone. She is too needy and insecure. I wish she could have just took some time off from men to figure herself outfor her sake. It's a shame.

 

Also, what about the guy my ex is with? He knew that she was involved with me, but he still pursued it. Of course, I'm sure he was at first a shoulder to cry on for my ex, and I'm sure he was telling her everything she wanted to hear. He doesn't have any morals or respect either!!! I think both of them are asking for trouble. I truly believe that they will be engaged within a year, but it will catch up to them sooner or later!!!

 

I think people need to TAKE THEIR TIME!!!! Too many people rush into things and do not think about the future consequences. That is why that most of us would take our exes back during the initial stages of a breakup; but if we really sat down and thought about what it would be like down the road, we probably would not even think about taking them back!! That is a huge problem, especially in America; that we all want instant gratification. We as a society have become a society of the easy way, or the quick fix way to handle things.

 

That fits my ex gf to a tee. She used to work out about once every two weeks, and she atctually expected results!!!! That's the way our society has become - lazy and unwilling to work at things. Everybody wants instant pleasure - for example, I know my ex gf is screwing this guy like she is in heat (like we first did when we started dating). But this will eventually die down after a while, and then that is when the true colors of the actual relationship (not just the sex) will come out. That is when the problems arise.

 

So again, for all of you whose ex is with someone else, especially right away, there is still hope that someday he/she will come back.

[hockeyboy]

yes, there is hope....for them. i mean, they are the ones loosing out, its their loss. they'd be lucky if we ever forgave them, took them back.

[herewegoagain]

hockeyboy - yes, they would be lucky.

 

Do you want your ex to ask you to get back with her someday?

 

I do not know about you, but I believe mine will call someday, and I will have the satisfaction of telling her to take a hike.

[hockeyboy]

i dont want her to ask for me back because i feel like if i do then im holding onto something. i want to let go completely. plus, i know that if it ever happened, it would be a while. i know i wont hate her then and i wouldnt want to deal with having to hurt somebody. im not a vengeful person, even though she claims i am. im better then her in that sense. i know ill see her again at some point. theres just to many functions, friends to never cross paths again. i know when i do we will both have a few butterflies in our stomachs. i think it will be kinda nice in a way..it will be like the feeling we both had when it all started....but it wont go past that. i have to much respect for myself. i demand more then her, someone who will be better for me, better to me. she cant erase history. besides...she'll never come back...so why bother thinking about it

[herewegoagain]

That's a good point how you say that you will not hate her down the road. That is so true. Who knows, maybe if i see my ex 9 months from now, maybe i might not feel so vengeful. Maybe we will even start talking again. I'm not counting on it, but we never know.

[hockeyboy]

my ex of 4 years left me last year for another guy. i begged for her back. finally i gave up, moved on and found someone else (the newer ex). It was only then that the first ex came back to me and wanted me back...thats what it took. i wasnt mean to her but i refused any offer from her. i wanted nothing to do with her. she had pushed me away to far. i eventually reach a breaking point where i cant turn back....it happens. the newest ex has just pushed me to that point as well. once i get pushed that far..yes it hurts, but its such a relief. so many emotions die down

[Clarabelle]

I find as time goes on that I feel more and more doubtful about wanting to reconcile with my husband. On the one hand, I can't respect him for how quickly he got involved with a woman he professes to not love, and for being willing to deceive her when he was after me for sex and companionship (which I put a stop to). I look at how difficult it was to communicate with him after our daughter was born about sharing the responsibilities, how he just didn't get it. And now he's asking me to essentially wait for him. Why is he the one who gets to indulge his single-guy whims? On the other hand, the beginning of our relationship was beautiful. There is a lot of love still there. I would feel terrible about myself (and for my daughter) if I didn't give it my best shot - which I have done already! I feel terrible thinking about the fact that we had to break up because my husband wasn't emotionally ready to be a parent, even though he was the one who was so anxious to become a parent.

 

But I've discovered the hard way that being nice and patient and accommodating doesn't work, particularly when you do it at the expense of your own needs. Time to move on. I think that my husband is finally taking child care more seriously because he sees that I'm serious about not waiting around for him anymore.