Argument aftermath

[Kjv1611ad]

My bf and I have been together four years. We have been arguing for a long time now. Our fights have gotten ugly. Last night I was irritated at him for a couple of different things.

 

It started when he asked me over for dinner. I was like, great! He wants to make me dinner! I was at the lake all day. I'm glad I had a hunch to ask if anyone else was going to be there, because I found out he invited 5 other people. And that's FINE, but if he would of just told me that from the beginning, I would of home home and showered/changed clothes. I am a girl, and I, at least, like to know that kinda thing. So I had to show up in my bikini. I said, next time can you let me know in advance so I have time to get ready.

 

Anyway, I lost my keys, and I know I took my frustration out on him a little. I kinda freaked, but I'm allowed that every once in a while, right? I didnt yell, I was just frustrated, I wanted him to tell me it will be fine we will figure something out.

 

I'm tired from being on the lake all day and so I fall asleep on the couch, and I wake up at one in the morning and all the guys are coming in. No big deal, I go upstairs. I wake up at 2:30 and he is going back downstairs. I know I am irritated, but I am not his mother, and I shouldn't of said anything, but we said like 3 words to each other all night long and I guess my expectation of the night was different. So I told him if I knew it was going to be this way I wouldn't of come over, I would of at least gone home to let my dogs outside.

 

He proceeds to tell me that it's not his problem that I made that choice and starts screaming at me. I start crying and leave.

 

This is what our fights turn into. I never heard from him today I had to call him. I told him I understand that I could of done things differently but he should never scream at me like that and that is all he does now. He tells me it's my fault he does that because I "start" it and everything I am upset about is so stupid to him.

 

I'm now more than irritated that I bothered to call him in the first place.

 

He is going out for a "friends" birthday tonight (when I say that, this person isn't a friend at all, just some person that he knows, with the same friends he was with last night! He seemed like he didn't have time for "this".

 

I was supposed to go. I sent a text saying I didn't think it was a good idea and that if he wanted to talk, to come over when he is done. I had told him earlier that this needs to be resolved, I will not tolerate screaming anymore ( which he gets very irritated with I say things to him like that, like I have no place to demand such a thing)

 

He sent a text back telling me he doesn't know when he will be done and that he will call, but he doesn't know if he will make it over.

 

I have told him I feel like he doesn't care about me, especially during/after arguments.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Am I causing the fights? I don't deserve to be screamed at, but if I am causing it I don't mind looking at that objectively ( he would not have that same attitude)

 

No I feel once again he won't compromise and I'm always second to everyone and everything. I'm irritated.

 

Can someone advise me as to what I should do? I wonder if this is worth the way I feel.

[meoww]

Although it does go both ways, and both partners need to be committed to better communication, you can take the first step.

 

I think the most important thing is to stay calm and never raise your voice. At first you might feel like you are faking it, but I think it get easier with time to be patient with someone you are legitimately angry at. Recognize that most people are really sensitive to criticism and although you have every right to be angry, directly attacking them isn't going to change anything for the better. Focus on getting what you want, which is for you and your boyfriend to get along. I can understand that it must really frustrating for you to have to take the high road and begin patching things up but it sounds like it might be the only way. If over time, you feel like you are doing all the work, in terms of resolving your conflicts, then I think it would be healthier for you to find a partner who is less defensive and more proactive.

 

I also would refrain from any grand gestures toward to reconciliation, he might see that as an opportunity to manipulate you. Don't cater to his every need, and express your concerns, but I think it would really help to try to put yourself in his shoes as well. There is a distinct possibility that his anger has real cause too, and he'll probably calm down a bit once he realizes you are not going to jump down his throat.

[Kjv1611ad]

I don't yell. I always keep my voice calm (for the most part)

 

I've put myself in his shoes. I would compromise and go out with my friends and go over there after, if that is what he wanted, after an argument, because he is important to me.

 

I don't get that feeling that I am important to him. Which is what a lot of this is about, and I have tried communicating that to him. Maybe we aren't compatible. The fighting has gotten over the top vicious. Mainly from his end. He drudges up things from the past as excuses for his present behavior (nothing even major)

 

I can't win. It's a lose lose with him.

[Ms Darcy]

Well maybe you right and you are not compatible.