Broke NC after 6 weeks, found out ex is in the hospital for bipolar disorder.

[elephants]

Brief background-- From March 2012 to around 3 weeks ago.

 

My ex broke up with me in March telling me he didn't love me anymore. This took me (and everyone else) by surprise as our relationship had been doing fairly well before that big announcement. When I pressed for an explanation, he told me he didn't know why he felt that way either but just did. We had NC, upon his request, and talked again on the first of April. He informed me that he had been going to a psychotherapist after we broke up. He told me he was in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone right now, because he felt so empty and the world seemed so meaningless to him. He said he just wants to focus on getting himself and his life back to normal-- he thought he was going crazy. We had NC again, and again upon his request. He broke it though four days later and we chatted online casually for more than a week. He updated me about his therapy and condition, and I suggested to him to ask about depression because I researched and his symptoms matched, including "suddenly wanting a break up or divorce and incapable to feel love". He asked his doctor, but she refused to give him meds because she's kind of old-fashioned. I went into unannounced NC after that because in our last chat, he told me that his doctor told him to "forget everything about the past and leave it behind" so I figured that meant me as well, and I was hurt. Also, he blocked me on Facebook chat without warning. So I decided to delete him from Facebook completely, and a week later he sent me a text asking about a thumb drive I might have taken from his place, and I didn't reply. No initiated contact from either side since then, and that was four weeks ago. Only news I had from him was from a mutual friend, who coincidentally also recently suffered from a depressive episode. I asked if he could help my ex find a better doctor, of course without letting my ex know that I was the one who asked him to, and this friend called about a week later to tell me that my ex has agreed to go to the doctor he recommended.

 

Present- 6 weeks of NC and 3 weeks after I last heard any news about him from mutual friends

 

I thought I was improving but lately, I've been feeling down again. It didn't help that last night I dreamed of him. In my dream, he texted me, "Come home." When I woke up, I just couldn't fight down the "need" to call him. I fought for a few hours, then finally I couldn't take it anymore and just dialed his number.

 

I was so nervous. I thought he wasn't going to pick up. But he did. The following is the conversation we had. It's a rough translation though, cos we were speaking in our native tongue.

 

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello?

Me: Are you okay? (I noticed that his voice sounded weird)

Him: Yeah, I just woke up.

Me: Are you at [the place where we used to live]?

Him: (Sounding suspicious) Why?

Me: Nothing, just wondering...

Him: (Still sounding suspicious) No, you're not wondering... You know, don't you?

Me: (Genuinely surprised) Know what?

Him: (Sounding slightly surprised too) Oh. I'm... I'm in the hospital... I thought you knew.

Me: (Super shocked) Whaaat?? Why?? Since when?? And I really didn't know!!

Him: They gave me no choice. They admitted me here for psychiatric disorder... bipolar/anxiety sh*t.

Me: Which hospital?

Him: [Hospital name]

Me: Since when have you been there?

Him: A while... for a long time now... I don't remember. Wait... not too long, I guess...

Me: Were you able to finish your summer term?

Him: No... but never mind that. I can manage.

Me: I see, okay... do your parents know? Are they there? (He had been keeping his depression a secret from his family)

Him: Yeah, they know. But they're not here now. But I have a watcher.

Me: Okay. So I suppose you're taking meds now... Is it any better?

Him: (Thinks for a while) Yeah, I guess... better. Yeah, I'm taking meds.

Me: Okay...

(Silence)

Me: I really didn't know.

Him: Okay, I believe you.

(Silence)

Him: It's meds time.

Me: Huh?

Him: The doctor's here. Bye.

(He hung up)

 

Now, I don't know how to feel about that. He didn't seem very keen to talk, but maybe I shouldn't take that personally because I've read that depressives don't like to talk to people in general and prefer to be left alone. I'm relieved that he picked up the call and answered my questions, though he did seem irritated after a while when I was asking too many, and that's kind of typical of him because he doesn't like to answer questions. I just wasn't able to stop myself from asking because the news really shocked me, as in I shocked me. I had no idea he has been institutionalized. In fact, for the past few weeks, I was being bitter thinking he probably was having the time of his life with his new girl/s or something. I kind of feel guilty now for thinking that way about him.

 

Also, there's the fact that he hung up on me. But I guess that's to be expected if he really isn't in the mood to talk. In fact, I called a mutual friend after, and she told me that very few people know he's in the hospital... and this friend only knows this because she overheard from one of those people, who were told because they were my ex's co-officers in the theater company, and their work would be greatly affected by my ex being unavailable. I also found out from this friend that he might be staying in the hospital for 2 more months.

 

I don't think I regret calling him. I don't plan to call again anytime soon, because it's very obvious that he doesn't want to talk-- dunno if just with me or with anyone in general. A friend told me that maybe a call was too demanding given his condition, that maybe I should have just sent a text. But in my defense, I really didn't know that he was in the hospital. I actually thought he was better already. I don't like text messaging because you really can't assess the mood of the person on the other end, and if he doesn't reply, I would never know if he just didn't want to or if he just didn't have prepaid credits. I figured that if he didn't want to talk to me he could just ignore the phone call, or in case he deleted my number and didn't know it was me, he could hang up when he hears my voice-- he often did that with his other exes. So I went ahead with the call. He picked up, and hung up after there was nothing more to say. I guess that's to be expected.

 

In any case, I don't even know why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to tell someone, and I don't have many friends, and the few I have aren't available right now, so here I am, turning to the Internet instead. Oh wait, I have a question:

 

I plan to text him on his birthday this coming Friday with a "Hope you feel better soon, happy birthday!" Is that okay, or is that demanding/pushy?

[nrb]

It is OK...just that...

[Fraggle]

I'd call again and see if he wants and can have a visitor? even 10 minute visit might be something he might want now that he is on meds...?

[elephants]

Elephants, welcome to the ENA forum. I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful experience.Elephants, something is very fishy about what he is telling you. If it is true that he's been diagnosed as "bipolar," how can one explain his doctor's earlier decision to withhold medication? No doctor with a brain would withhold medication from a bipolar patient. Because bipolar disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance occurring in the patient, the only known remedy is to prescribe medication (e.g., lithium) that will stabilize that imbalance. This means that, if either his doctor or his psychotherapist had suspected bipolar, the first thing they would do is send him to a psychiatrist who (having a MD degree) would immediately prescribe medication if he agreed on the diagnosis.

 

Hi Poppa, the first doctor WAS fishy, so I asked a mutual friend to help my ex find another and more dependable doctor. It's the second doctor that diagnosed my ex with bipolar and had him admitted in the hospital. The first doctor wouldn't even give him a diagnosis.

[elephants]

I'd call again and see if he wants and can have a visitor? even 10 minute visit might be something he might want now that he is on meds...?

 

Hi Fraggle, he's not allowed visitors for at least a month. It's standard operating procedure in the hospital... and anyway, he might not be ready to see me. Right now, my presence might represent pressure?

[Seraphim]

Hi Fraggle, he's not allowed visitors for at least a month. It's standard operating procedure in the hospital... and anyway, he might not be ready to see me. Right now, my presence might represent pressure?

 

It sounds like he might be in a locked ward. They sometimes do not allow visitors that are not family. I feel for you. My father is bipolar.

[transmit]

elephants, stop involving yourself in this. He has friends and doctors and family to look out for him right now. Why are you researching his condition on the internet and trying to influence which doctor he sees? You seem under the assumption that his condition is the ONLY reason you could've broken up. Is your hope that if he gets better, or you are supportive enough, he'll come back to you? You're going to torment yourself and put a ton of pressure on a sick person with this. Let him contact you again - he already knows you're concerned.

[elephants]

elephants, stop involving yourself in this. He has friends and doctors and family to look out for him right now. Why are you researching his condition on the internet and trying to influence which doctor he sees? You seem under the assumption that his condition is the ONLY reason you could've broken up. Is your hope that if he gets better, or you are supportive enough, he'll come back to you? You're going to torment yourself and put a ton of pressure on a sick person with this. Let him contact you again - he already knows you're concerned.

 

Hi transmit, yes, I believe that it is his condition that caused us to break up. Even he says so. He started psychotherapy after we broke up because he himself couldn't understand why he didn't love me anymore, when he logically knows that it was best relationship he's had and nothing really happened to make him fall out of love with me. And yes, I am hoping that once he gets better, his love for me will re-surface and he'll come back. As for why I'm researching his condition-- I've stopped. I did the researching when the break up was still fresh, because I needed explanations for his behavior. He couldn't give them, as he did not understand either, so I turned to the Internet. I think that's a normal reaction.

 

Also, it is thanks to my researching and my interference that he is getting medical attention right now. In their discussions, his fishy original psychotherapist never once mentioned depression or bipolar. People might say, "Well, what do you know, you're not a doctor, the psychotherapist probably knows better." But I turned out to be correct, didn't I? If I hadn't suggested that he ask about depression, it would never have come up because his psychotherapist kept insisting that it was a sexuality issue even when he's pretty sure that it's not. But when he asked, she admitted that he was showing symptoms of depression but still refused to diagnose him. Pretty fishy, if you ask me, it sounds like she wanted him to keep going to her for expensive sessions without really telling him why he was feeling the way he did.

 

And if I hadn't asked my friend to recommend his doctor, my ex wouldn't have looked for another one because he completely trusted that original psychotherapist despite her fishiness. But he listened to my friend, as I knew he would, because my friend suffered from depression as well and could recommend a good doctor.

 

My ex had been keeping his condition a secret from his family. He has a dysfunctional family setting. Also, his friends are all kids-- he's a college student. His friends are pretty inexperienced and immature, and they have no way to help him. So far, the only way they knew to make him feel better was take him out drinking, which actually worsens depression. So if I hadn't interfered behind the scenes, there would have been no family or friends to do that for him. I don't regret researching or interfering, because I fear to think where he would be now if I hadn't.

 

How can it put pressure on him when he doesn't know about it? He has no idea that I had been the one who asked my friend to recommend a new doctor. My friend approached him under the pretext that our theater company moderator (a father figure in the company) shared to him that my ex has depression, and he just wanted to help because he himself knew how bad it could get. When I went NC, I literally disappeared from his world, and even from the world of our mutual friends. Only around two to three of our mutual friends even know that I still exist. So I doubt he ever associated me with the idea of going to the new doctor.

 

I called today, and I admit that that could have been a bit pressuring. But I don't regret that I called. At least I found out what's going on with him, and at least, like you said, he knows that I'm concerned. I had been worried that he thinks I hate him because he knows that I have the tendency to vehemently hate my exes and I might have given off the wrong message when I deleted him from Facebook and ignored his text.

 

About my hope... Well, I do worry about that. But I can hardly help it. I tell myself to stop hoping but I just can't stop, so I'm letting it be. In any case, over time, my hope will hopefully dwindle and disappear on its own. I just find it pointless to keep obsessing about killing hope when I just know it can't be killed. I've been focusing on other things, like my work and decorating my room at home. I've even started writing again. But despite that, my hope refuses to go away and remains at the back of my mind, so I'll just leave it be and let it die a natural death.

 

Anyway... when you say, "let him contact you again", do you mean you disapprove with texting him on his birthday and instead I should just lie low until he is the one to reach out?

[tothecoast]

Wow, Elephants...our stories are really similar. My ex also had a mental breakdown and decided she couldn't be in a relationship anymore. I went NC right away because as much as I wanted to be there for her, I knew that being around her and not being able to be her partner was going to destroy me, and I needed to take care of myself. And also, the bottom line is that with mental health issues, we can support people, but we can't fix them. Really, the only person who can help our exes right now is themselves.

 

I don't have much advice to you except to say that it is so hard, and so painful. When you're dealing with serious mental health disorders, relationships and breakups are a whole other ballgame. People here might disagree with this, but I think a lot of the ENA accepted wisdom doesn't always apply. My therapist told me that my ex is not in a stable place, and that she's not making decisions from a stable or clearheaded place. I try to remember that - not because I think it means we'll get back together (in my case, I think it probably won't - because the only way for me to take care of myself right now is to move on completely) but because it is a reminder that this breakup was not about me or something I did wrong. It's not your fault, Elephants, and this is not about you. Your ex is sick, plain and simple, and he was gonna be sick no matter what you did. My therapist always reminds me that I couldn't have prevented this, and for some reason, that's comforting to me.

 

Take care of yourself.

[elephants]

Hi, tothecoast, thank you. I've been trying my best to take care of myself, too. But it's hard for me to move on. Because it is mostly a sickness that broke us up, I feel like once he's better there will be a chance for us to work things out. I try to convince myself that it's over, but all that ever accomplishes is make me cry and be defensive that our love was too special to have just died out like that. I remember I've had heartbreaks before but none as bad as this. And I remember that with my past exes, the hope for reconciliation wasn't too hard to kill. Maybe because in all those instances there were concrete, unfixable reasons within the relationship that broke it. This time, it's like an external factor, and I can't help feeling like if he recovers from his depressive episode, the love feelings will come back. My friend mentioned in the post had this happen to him. He broke up with his partner and he was convinced there was no love anymore, but after he recovered from his depression, the love feelings came back and they reconciled. Only, my friend is a rapid cycling bipolar, which means his episodes last only for days. My ex has been depressed for more than 2 months already, and is only receiving proper medical attention now. My ex and I had a beautiful relationship, and we loved each other so much. We connected on so many levels, and it was the first time for both of us to like someone as a "whole package". It just seems so... unreal... that his love and adoration for me can go from 150% to 0% so quickly-- he told me it happened in less than a month. I don't want to keep hoping, but at the same time, I don't know how to get rid of my hope. I don't know how to "move on completely". I have become more emotionally stable over time, but sometimes I still cry because I miss him and I hate how this had to happen to us.

[tothecoast]

Maybe because in all those instances there were concrete, unfixable reasons within the relationship that broke it. This time, it's like an external factor, and I can't help feeling like if he recovers from his depressive episode, the love feelings will come back...My ex and I had a beautiful relationship, and we loved each other so much. We connected on so many levels, and it was the first time for both of us to like someone as a "whole package". It just seems so... unreal...

 

Wow, Elephants. I could have written most of your last post--especially this part--myself. I've said the "concrete unfixable reason" vs. "external factor" thing so many times. I don't know what to say, other than, gah, I totally hear you, and it's so painful. My relationship with my last ex, before this relationship, was a disaster--codependent, cheated on each other, lied to each other, etc etc. When we broke up, even though it was SO painful, I couldn't lie to myself--our relationship had been truly broken. But with this most recent relationship, everything was different. We were together for two years, and we were so good to each other--honest, loving, communicative, healthy. We were together but independent. We had great sex and it never got old or boring. We always kept it new and every date felt like a first date. We had so much fun together. And I worked so hard to be a different partner than I had been to my partner before that--no lying, no cheating, no moving too fast, no commitment-phobia. Everything was so beautiful between us and then it was like this huge stormcloud of mental health just sailed over and parked right above our relationship, and started raining and thunderstorming and hailing on us, and that was that.

 

I hear you, Elephants, I hear you so much. For me, more than anything else, it just feels tragic. And it doesn't leave me with a lot of hope for the future. If I did EVERYTHING right in this relationship, grew so much from my last one and put so much work into this one, and it still failed...well, then what? Makes me want to curl up in a ball and never date again.

 

I would be lying if I said I didn't hope we'll get back together, even if I know that's not healthy. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and have been NC for a little over 2 weeks. Originally when we broke up, we were planning on just taking a break, but then she changed her mind and said it felt too hard to have someone waiting for her, and that if we took a break she'd feel like there was a timetable for her to "fix" herself by, which felt like too much pressure. So we just broke up instead. I think all the time...if there was ever a relationship where it made sense to get back together, it's ours. If there was ever a reason to break up and get back together, this must be it!

 

But for me, the thing is that if we got back together, I don't know how I would ever get over the fear/insecurity/anxiety/sadness that this breakup has instilled in me. I feel like I would constantly be waiting for her to leave again. I don't know how I could heal from this, and feel safe and secure in the relationship. So it's that realization that keeps me feeling skeptical of getting back together (at least right now--a year or two down the line, who knows?).

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, Elephants. I just feel your pain so much, and I really think that the experience of being broken up with by a depressed person is a unique experience that people really need support around. It just comes with so many individual issues and complications. What's up with you two now? Are you still in touch with him, or have you gone back to NC?

[elephants]

Anyway, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, Elephants. I just feel your pain so much, and I really think that the experience of being broken up with by a depressed person is a unique experience that people really need support around. It just comes with so many individual issues and complications. What's up with you two now? Are you still in touch with him, or have you gone back to NC?

 

Hi, tothecoast, don't worry. I actually appreciate you sharing your story. You are right, the experience of being broken up with by a depressed person seems even more tragic and confusing than the usual break up. Is your ex getting professional help for her condition?

 

I understand what you mean with being skeptical. On the contrary though, I feel that a reconciliation for me and my ex would make way for a relationship that is even better than what we had before the break up. My "soul searching" in the 2+ months since our break up has opened my eyes to certain issues in the past relationship that need to be addressed, should we ever get back together. Also, I have been reading so much about depression and bipolar disorder, that I believe a healthy relationship between us will be possible, should he want one with me. There are numerous resources out there on how to deal with a depressed or bipolar partner. Unfortunately, I only found out about them after we had already broken up. This is because, unlike in your case, my ex and I had no idea that he was actually suffering from a mental illness. We had always known he had anger management issues since early adolescence, and he often joked that his commitment issues with his past girlfriends were probably caused by a mental problem, but we never guessed that he was bipolar for real.

 

I have a theory that he was already in danger of lapsing into a depressive episode some time before he broke up with me, and because we didn't recognize it for what it was, we never made the necessary adjustments to our behavior, which led him to feel a lot of pressure from our relationship, which in turn gave him the final push he needed to fall into that pit. He never told me how he was feeling because he hoped that it would go away on its own. Instead he started drinking frequently to "escape", and alcohol feeds depression. On my part, I never realized that there was something seriously wrong, as I had been very preoccupied with work that month, and also because whenever I asked him, he reassured me that everything was okay. We had a rule to never lie about these things, and that rule had never been broken before, so I had no reason to be suspicious. So when one day he dropped the bomb and told me he didn't love me anymore, I was shocked. Just a few weeks before I had received a random text from him saying, "Life is meaningless but at least I can share it with you." How could I have been demoted from the person that made his life worth living to someone he didn't love anymore, in the span of a few weeks, after an amazing 18 months together?

 

It had happened a year ago, too, 6 months into the relationship, but I managed to convince him then not to break up with me. I told him that it's impossible to fall out of love overnight, and that the feelings would come back. What followed was a month or so of confusion. We remained boyfriend-girlfriend by label, but there were times when he obviously felt repulsed to see me. After some time though, my words proved true and the feelings did come back. When asked, he said the love just came back on its own, that nothing really happened. We had a beautiful year together with no more complications. Until 2 months ago. And this time, no matter what I said, he couldn't be convinced that the feelings will come back.

 

So we broke up. Like you and your ex, we took a break at first, but after about 3 weeks he finalized his decision to split. He told me he really didn't love me anymore, that he didn't understand why, but he only saw me as a friend now. He said he felt nothing about anything or anyone, that he thinks he is not fit to be in a relationship nor does he want one with anyone but himself, and that he feels he is going crazy. His condition became a lot worse after I left. He made a suicide attempt, was stopped by his friends, and then he resolved to get professional help after that. But the psychotherapist he went to wouldn't give him a diagnosis, wouldn't even address what's going on NOW and instead insisted on psychoanalysis, even after my ex volunteered the idea of depression and taking medication for it.

 

It is only now that he is being given proper medical care for his condition. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorder, with suicidal tendencies. He has been confined in the hospital for around 2 weeks now, and will have to stay there for 2 more months. I've been told that he is not allowed visitors. I never would have found out if I hadn't impulsively broken NC last Saturday. In a way, I feel sad that I apparently really have been demoted to nothing because he didn't even bother to tell me that he has been hospitalized. But then again, I asked for it by going NC. Before I did, he shared his therapy updates with me from time to time, on his own. But one day, I deleted him from Facebook without warning, and then ignored an innocent text he sent. I'm sure he understood why I did that, and stopped contacting me because he respected what probably seemed to him as a gesture of my moving on.

 

In a way, I don't regret going NC because it allowed me space to breathe and get my head and heart in order. However, sometimes I can't help questioning whether my disappearing act had actually pushed him away. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored that text, at the very least. Anyway, what's done is done, and there's no use beating myself up over it. I can only move forward now. I haven't made any contact with him since that phone call last Saturday, and I doubt he will be initiating contact any time soon. I plan to send him either a text or a card for his birthday this coming Friday. I will write nothing emotional. I haven't decided yet whether to write a one-liner "Hey happy birthday, get better soon!" or a longer message. If the latter, it won't be about us. Rather, I'll write something intellectual that he might find interesting. He's a student of Philosophy, and intellectual discussions had been a big part of our relationship. Or maybe I'll write him a short story-- he has always admired my writing. In any case, the greeting is a gesture meant to remind him that the door is open, without me actually having to say those words. After that, I will be back to giving him the enormous amount of space he seems to need, which means no contact from me, at least for the time being.

[elephants]

Hi, Poppa, thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate you taking your time to post all that information. Please see my replies below. I will be checking the links you provided after I type this.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two different spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between idealizing you and devaluing you. Significantly, you have not yet said anything about witnessing manic behavior in your Ex. Without mania, he cannot be bipolar. Presumably, it has occurred but you were not around to see it -- or you simply forgot to mention it above.

 

I'm not sure what counts as mania. I had never witnessed him going on spending sprees. In fact, he is always tight with money, and rarely spends outside of what he needs. BUT he does have what we had jokingly termed "God mode" and "retard mode". God mode, when he feels superior and calls himself "master race" -- I had always laughed and supported this, but until now I'm not sure just how serious he was when he'd say it. Retard mode, when he randomly does energetic silly things, like erupting into dance in the middle of a serious photo shoot-- but I thought he was plainly just energetic and silly, I mean, surely, lots of people did silly things like that?

 

I thought his anger problems counted as mania. When he got mad, he got scary. But one time, earlier in our relationship, he lashed out verbally at me and I cried, and he saw how much it hurt my feelings. After that, he swore to me he'd be Mr. Zen and handle his anger better. He kept true to his word, but I think it actually became detrimental to his mental and emotional health, because he kept everything bottled up. I remember one time he even told me that being Mr. Zen was taking such a toll on him because not being able to lash out meant keeping stress in, and I told him, it's okay to lash out once in a while, but don't overdo it. And he said, no, I don't want to lash out, I don't see any point anymore, I'll keep it in as long as I can.

 

As for transitioning between idealizing me and devaluing me, no, I don't think he does that. Even while breaking up with me, he told me I'm a great person and I'll be able to find someone better, that he'll never ever hate me. And I could tell he was sincere. He thinks highly of me. He just fell out of love, or so he says.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. (Although hyper-rapid cycling is possible with bipolar, it is rare and -- even then -- usually occurs during a quick transition to psychosis.)

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD tantrums typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Do these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the angry periods you describe?

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the anger management problems you describe seem consistent with these event-triggered outbursts. The depression you describe, however, is consistent with bipolar -- suggesting he has both disorders if there also is a manic phase.

 

I have a bipolar-II friend who is a rapid cycler. His episodes last for just days. Now, with my ex, I'm not very sure. I never seriously thought or observed that he had a disorder until the break up hit. He wrote a reflection paper for class once about him being "sick" because he seemed unable to keep commitments in relationships, but I had always dismissed that as him being young. He was in high school when he had his 5 other relationships before me, and from his stories, it was obvious that he was incompatible with 4 of them. The 1 he was compatible with, he left because he felt he was too young at 14 years old to commit to anyone. I don't think there is anything abnormal about that. He also finds it eerie that all his past relationships lasted roughly 100 days each-- we had called it the "100-day syndrome", at the 100th day all "love" just disappeared as if flicking a switch-- and even in our own relationship, when we turned 100 days old, he started having doubts, but they dissipated quickly. I never thought much of it, because I think it's normal to have doubts after 3 months when the honeymoon phase wears off. Supposing though that all his past relationships occurred during mania, which is possible because I've been told bipolars can mistake mania for love, then his episodes last for 3 months each, after which he lapses back into euthymia or his normal stage. He seems never to have had a serious depressive episode before this one. He told me last month that he has never felt so empty in his life, so this must be a first for him.

 

His anger though, lasted only for hours, and usually they're triggered by something concrete. I met my recent ex when I was freshly out of a disastrous relationship, and my previous ex had been close to stalking me. One night, my recent ex and I came accross my previous ex who was drunk. My previous ex punched a window when he saw us, and my recent ex took it as a challenge to his manhood. But I stopped him from retaliating. In his frustration, he destroyed his phone, his shirt, and the furniture in his apartment. My previous ex continued to harass us-- sending threats and insulting messages. My recent ex always reacted to those by destroying something. But as mentioned above, he made a promise to be Mr. Zen after one fight with me and never ever exploded again for over a year-- until the last arguments we had before the break up. He started being destructive again-- destroyed his phone, kicked in the door, and attempted to turn over the dining table until I demanded him to calm down.

 

Two weeks-- that's precisely the time it took for him to go from loving me to wanting a break up.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. The vast majority of BPDers "act out" in that manner when triggered. A small portion of them, however, turn their anger inward on themselves and "act in" in a way that is very self destructive.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description of him having had "anger management issues since early adolescence."

 

I remember he recounted a story to me... when he was 14, he destroyed the entire computer room in their house because he had a bad day. When I say completely destroyed, I mean he smashed the computer monitor, kicked a hole through the door, etc. He told me he had a lot of anger when he was in high school-- anger at the world, anger at his tormentors (he was bullied earlier in high school), etc. But as he matured, the anger also lessened. When we met, I'd say only a little of that was left, and usually he only got really angry for good reason-- like the insults from my previous ex.

 

Finally, an eighth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. I note, however, that you mention nothing about him being unable to trust you. Instead, you say that he appears to have just fallen out of love with you (or to be out of touch with the love he does have).

 

He did trust me. It hurts to put that in the past tense. But when we were together, he did not hide things. He opened up to me, and seemed comfortable doing so. He had expressed surprise with himself though, that he was able to trust me so much, saying it's not usual for him to be so intimate with another person, to the extent that I was privy to his bank details. That's a big deal to him because he's really so tight with money, and in the beginning of our relationship, I often felt offended because the way he handled finances made it seem like he feared I would extort from him. Later on though, he trusted me to do the groceries and organize the bills. He also let me know about his insecurities and his family problems, so he seemed to have trusted me a lot. He has few intimate friends, but he has a couple he clearly trusts... does that still make him a potential sufferer of BPD?

[RFB]

Diagnosing any illness based on an internet search is pointless and worthless. If you are hanging your hopes on the diagnosis of the amatuer sleuths on ENA you will be sorely dissappointed.

[transmit]

Imagine if your ex saw the paragraphs upon paragraphs you're writing about his life here, trying to diagnose his illness. He wouldn't be flattered by your concern. He'd run for the hills.

[elephants]

Imagine if your ex saw the paragraphs upon paragraphs you're writing about his life here, trying to diagnose his illness. He wouldn't be flattered by your concern. He'd run for the hills.

 

Hi transmit,

 

Firstly, what is wrong with me posting about my ex when that's what everyone here on ENA does? I haven't given out any real names, locations, or anything. This is similar to me having an online blog unknown to any of our friends, and writing about him there. Plus, I see people here posting about the intimate details of their sex lives-- what I posted about my ex is nowhere as liable for censorship as those. You are correct that it might not be flattering to see someone writing about your life on the Internet-- however, I fail to see the point of advice forums if the people asking for advice are not allowed to post about the nitty-gritty of their situation. The best compromise I can think of is simply not to state any names. But all right, to be fair, I'll see if I can edit that post and just delete the details... Poppa has read it anyway, so it has served its purpose.

 

Secondly, I am not trying to diagnose his illness. His doctor already did that. Poppa suggested something, and I replied accordingly. Is there anywhere in my original post that said anything along the lines of, "Help, I think the doctors are wrong, and I need a new diagnosis for my ex?" No. Poppa volunteered the information on his own free will, and I responded because there were questions that he asked and points that needed to be clarified. Again, in my reply to him, you will see that I only replied with answers and clarifications. Never once did I say, "Oh my god, you are right!! He must be a BPDer based on what you said!! The doctors are sooo wrong!" If you will kindly look back on my original post, you will see at the bottom that I said something like, "I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to tell someone and I don't have many friends, so I'm turning to the Internet instead", then I asked if I should send him a birthday greeting or not. That was the intended purpose of this thread.

[elephants]

Diagnosing any illness based on an internet search is pointless and worthless. If you are hanging your hopes on the diagnosis of the amatuer sleuths on ENA you will be sorely dissappointed.

 

Hi RFB, you are absolutely correct. Fortunately for me, it is not my hope or my goal to diagnose my ex. If you would kindly look back on my original post, I only meant to get people's opinions about sending my ex a greeting for his birthday.

[elephants]

Poppa, thank you so much for your response.

 

I also would like to sincerely apologize that you and I have gotten bad attention on this thread for our intensive discussion on the difference between bipolar and BPD.

 

I, for one, think you have been very helpful, and not once did I assume that you were trying to diagnose my ex. I understand that you are only trying to give me information, because for someone like you who has dealt so closely with serious mental disorders, it must be very frustrating to see how misinformed or under-informed most people are when it comes to this topic. I appreciate you taking the time to reply here and even go back to my previous posts to check what else I had to say about my situation.

 

I have read the links you provided, and truth be told, I feel like the symptoms of BPD fit me more than my ex! But then again, you did say that we all display those traits at low levels, so maybe that's normal. I do hope so.

 

I still love my ex, and if he ever does "get back in touch with his love for me" and goes through the door that I am keeping open for him, I will make sure to keep your advice in mind.

 

Thanks again!

[Vonkrauser]

Bipolar disease is the new excuse for everyone to be an ass. I cant tell you how many men and women i know that say they have this but never got properly checked by a professional.

[Mayforce]

Is that true that no visitors in the hospital for depression patient? One of my uncles had depression but we still could reserve the time to visit him for 30mins talk.

 

I know some people are crazy, making story like that to break up with their partner. I wonder if he was really sick or just an excuse...

 

I did have friend doing that dramatic thing to get his ex attention to visit him....

[elephants]

It was not him but a mutual friend who told me he isn't allowed visitors. Apparently his family is able to visit him, I'm not sure about non-family because I did not bother to ask.

 

He's not lying. There's no reason to waste lots of money seeing a psychotherapist every week just to make up an excuse for a break up. And anyway, we had been broken up for weeks already before he became hospitalized.

[Mayforce]

You can talk about your feeling if you wanted to be next to him through his depression; if he insisted no, for me, it's like rejecting me to be his partner. If so, walk away then. You've done what you could have done. Enjoy your life for you and for him.