Mayforce

I cried again, over a year, read so many articles and had so many talks with friends but still think of you almost every minute and mention about you every other hour. every time i sort out one thing , you said another thing that you need me to do.. and you never rush me.. why? is that your way to reach me? just tell me you miss me okay...

I thought I was in better moving on stage this month since I have less crying and didn't check you as much as before. But I found I've started dreaming of you more and more. Last evening, I woke up from the dream with calling you with crying voice that you hugged on girl of your friends ( strangers) and told them I was your ex girlfriend when I was looking for you in unknown streets and shops. I told you how sad and mean you said that to them in front of me. And you answered me with cold face, "when we had the moments touching the marriage and family subject, why didn't you tell or show me your true feeling? You'd missed your chances." What you said was so cruel and direct, and I was trying to tell you that you misunderstood me. I was like you thinking us together in our future. There were some stupid misunderstanding. Please don't let these stop us. But in the dream, when I walked over 3 4 streets, from shops to shops, finally I saw you was in front of a store with a group of unknown friends. When I was so delighted to see you and running to you, your face from friendly with your friends turned to distance face when you saw me. And suddenly you lifted a girl up like hinting me she is your new date something, and told those people "she is my ex gf" Your speech knocked my head badly and told me that it's my fault that I didn't tell you my true feeling/answer when you told me yours. I was so sad speaking to you and even I started crying and had tear in my eyes then these emotion was too much for a sleeping person so I woke up with tear and words in my throat for you. Later last night, the TV played 2 movies, one is "the pursuit of happiness" in 2008, which we watched together in Odeon cinema; the other one is " A good year" which was shooting in Gordes which was our first summer holiday and our first camping in France. We watched so many movies together and they all remind me of you. You brought me such big and interesting parts of my life. It's so hard for me to find someone to overwrite those memory. I wish I can tell you these but I wonder it will just hurt you and me if I send these to you by mail, if you just want to move on. Or, perhaps, You do have new date now so somehow I had this dream. I know I am such pathetic not over you. I am trying. Or trying to put me back the right pat. If you also think of me or have the feeling something like this, pls, I wish anyone or any it give us encourage and hint to make us speak to each other again. I know I am still in love with you. I am sorry for myself and to you. I still want to have you in my future, Honey.

We were each other's priority and I noticed someone tried to get your attention; I saw she made you sound/look like her priority but actually just an option. You don't know some ppl just like to steal other's happiness as they just want to show they are better and can have it as well. Whilst I got attention fm guys or when the TV played guy's ads, I just had a glance what it was, you got jealous and just questioned me why they looked at me or accused me I like those naked guys. I truly did nothing but I still tried to take your jealousy as you loved me and told you, they were nothing and you were my priority since we were together. But foolish and ironic person like you still tried to piss me off and said: "that's because you don't have other option" I was speechless and really sad. My heart was just going down and down. I really didn't know how to show you my love. Plus, I am not the one who tried to hide things behind and I forgave you doing those. I needed to forgive you, give up my life and kept showing my love and trust again and again. I had no other guy since we were together. I really don't understand where your jealousy came from, your imagination or your past experience or just tried to accuse me bad to cover your guilt? 6 yrs, you still didn't see my love and trust your feeling. It's not right and I felt nothing I could do any more. 6yrs, you still gave me those BS and non sense accuse when I took a glance of the TV ads. You just picked up a fight from nothing. Well, I know we both always have options if we want to find. But that option thing should be cut off before start a relationship, otherwise, you never can work out a relationship for lasting if still looking around. I don't know where you got that feeling that I was looking around. I wasn't so I assumed why you said that might for covering something you did. I wish you are enjoying swimming in your options and find one who'll put you as her priority. I won't send this to you since it's too long for ex to read and not my job to teach you become better man for other girl. I'd done a lot making you better from inside to outside, even helped you refurbish a flat. She'll have that flat which was full of my ideas and work. What I got is a broken heart and distrust man and all those memories and email and our common friends name on my facebook list but I can't remove!

once again, I cry again as the pouring rain outside... is it bad to cry on birthday? who cares if crying is the process of healing, if it can keep me away from you further... I really don't mind. Even I didn't tell you my plan about our future, you should know I love you so much! You could tell or ask me again about our future since I love you so much, but you didn't, just gave up. So you don't love me that much at all. I didn't waste your time. It's you wasted our time! At the end, you still tried to blame all the faults on me! you coward!

I just had a dream....and I think it's a sign to remind me of what mistake I'd made .... the mistake was when I saw something, I would assume 'you should know, see, understand' that, too, just as I did...... but the fact is, we assumed the other one would think exactly as us and thought/waited for the other one to say to us first, such as: After a weekend staying in your parent's place and looking after your niece and newborn nephew, we were driving back home. When we looked after the kids, I got a feeing that your family left them to us on purpose to see how we worked it out together or how I felt about it (like kids or doing well). Anyway, we started talking about the trip, the children then we talked about our childhood in the car. I was talking about mine, and said my skin is quite white for asian, even I am whiter than him (my ex-french). And you (my ex) was driving and paused a sec, then replied... "yes, that's why I chose you ah~" I can tell that we both felt your family let us look after the children on purpose, more or less, and we talked about our childhood in the car, the children, more or less like testing each other's mind on these things. My saying and your reply were showing we didn't mind or were thinking of the same thing. But we just stopped there. I was waiting for you to go on to say.. our baby would be... blablabla... ; and later very late (after we broke up), you told me you were not sure if I was thinking the same as him. Gee.......... something like this, we kept doing in these years, in friend's wedding, talking.. I thought you should know and would talk about this when you were ready; you thought I would talk about it; if not, I was not thinking of it. BUT, WE BOTH were thinking those things and ALSO WAITED THE OTHER to say it. We got angry after the timing passed... how come you didn't do this? how come you told me this till now? Till the last minute, we finally told each other, we were thinking the same thing as well but by then, we felt more pissed off more than happy. sigh~ assumption, expectation, pride, arrogant, prejudice, laziness, .... they are matters but also if our love were strong enough, we would forgive each other... and work it on .. apparently, one of us or both of us, didn't love that strong... We did have chance or we still would have chance but you think of yourself so perfect... which means you don't feel you need to make any change/effort/step back and I felt why only me making effort alone in OUR relationship. It should be both side, not one side. Anyway, I was missing you but now I feel not that missing you. save my time, back to my TV.

sounds like me! lol I didn't see any guy who made effort as much as my ex so when he did those, I started questioning myself... why he is so nice ... I didn't know this kind of thing would happen to me... but no worry, your ex would be like me, would figure it out after.... It could happen... if your ex was like me... but sorry, we didn't mean to just...still learning.

Honey, I can't stop missing you everyday even you were being so mean/ironic/such coward at the end. I didn't see any place for me in your life. I didn't want to pretend like couple. I could have and we might be still together now. I don't want our love so fake. I don't understand why you still wanna give me souvenir with my left-over stuff. Why you wanna be nice after said goodbye. Why couldn't you do this while we were together? You'd said you didn't realize how much you loved me after we said goodbye @ our first breakup. You are in your holiday and I am here, facing the screen with tear over my face. I've tried to stay strong, being alone with myself, trying find website like here or free chatting room so my yearning for you have somewhere to flow to, not to blow off my head. Sometimes I feel a bit better, but most of time, just sad-cry-tire-numb-thinking-sleep, going this loop over and over. I've lost quite a lot of hair due to the poor sleeping quality and depression. I am taking some vit-zinq to help. It also reminds me that you'd bought me some before we broke up. We do care about each other. But so many missing communication and some bad luck, we know we both had been lost in some time points. Now, it's hard for either side to walk together on one/your path. We'd made so much effort being together but so shame we didn't make it at the end. Ppl say thing happens for a reason, just it comes now or later. They also said it's better it comes now. Maybe, there'd be other options for our story if we didn't miss those timing and talks. But there is no ' if ' as there is no ' backward ' or ' delete ' keys in life. We only can move forward and maybe one day our path will cross again. Hope it will be right timing and we both are in right position. Yesterday, my head was full of those stupid things you did and said, and felt regret that I was being too nice at the end to you. I felt I should give you some hard lessons to know how selfish/mean you were and to appreciate me more. I don't know if true love means I should cry in front of you, argue with you, and stay with you that day but I chose not to drop off any tear, spoke to you in calm voice and turned my face around. If my love were strong enough, should I put my pride down to beg or ignore your cold attitude? Is it because I don't love you enough, so I left otherwise no matter what I still could show you my one-side-love... even I wanted more love from you. True love is staying together even one side is ignoring you or true love is to leave and let both be with other ppl and miss each other ? It seems there are many ways to define it. Maybe when I get older, I will live with caring anybody thinking, just yours and mine. You are the first one and perhaps will be the only one who played 'wishbone' game with me and you always gave me the most tender part of chicken in my plate. From now every time I eat the chicken, I would think of you from that and it will be me to do that to my next partner. I wonder when you have Asian cuisine, will they remind you of me, too? The soup dish, the rice dish, the noodle dish, the dumpling, the hot pot, the stewed, the stir fry.... etc. You said you are used to my cooking, my seasoning. You said I have good idea and sense about deco the house. That's why you waited for me to finish the place. You like me because we both like to eat healthy and like cooking. You said we both are nice and humble people. I think that 'you' is gone. Anyway, I am tired from speaking alone and it's my sleeping time now. I live in irregular time. Soon my BD is coming. This should be my stop-point to enter next mode. I didn't play any game but just made too much loop in my head blocking myself. I gave myself too much rules. I am sorry I only can use what I've learnt on next one now. I still will write to you later. We should be okay to speak to each other now, no? Sleep well, mon cheri. 我還是很想你的.

I've kept reading this over and over. Wish to find something else against it but there is none because nothing fake in this quote. Do what we feel right and accept even it turns wrong after or at the end. thanks for all the sharing here b(◕‿◕ d ( up)