How do I accept the idea of her being with someone else?

[tothecoast]

This is a modified version of what I posted in my NC diary - but it's something I really could use some advice on so I thought I'd start a new thread. Mods, if this isn't okay, feel free to delete.

 

My ex and I broke up because she basically had a mental breakdown 6 months ago. I stuck by her side for 6 months and we tried to make it work, but in the end she decided that she is unable to take care of herself and deal with her mental health issues while in a relationship. She feels like she can't be accountable for someone else's emotional needs right now. On top of that, I think she has basically decided that she might never be able to be in a relationship - she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to handle that kind of vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional accountability. (My ex is a pretty unique individual - suffice to say that she is hyper-independent, has tons of family/emotional issues, and had never been in a serious relationship before me.)

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago, and have been NC for 2 weeks. Lately, I keep torturing myself by imagining her with someone else. I wonder...how long will it be until she gets involved with a new person? How will I find out? How much will it hurt?

 

She seemed to take our breakup as hard as me...sobbing every time we talked, wondering aloud why she was doing this, saying she was terrified she was going to regret it, begging me not to cut her out of my life. Throughout our conversations, she kept saying that she hated herself for walking away from me, and that if she could be in a relationship with anyone, it would be with me. When we went NC, I told her that one of the reasons it was necessary was that she might start dating someone else. She laughed (kind of darkly) and seemed to think it was very funny that I even thought that was possible...she kind of gave me this cynical smirk, and said, "Yeah right, *****, that's not gonna happen."

 

But - on this board, we all know better than this. Sooner or later, EVERYONE dates again - even people who say/believe that they can't be in relationships. They meet someone, they change their mind, and they decide to give it a try. When will that happen with her? Is it already happening? Thinking about it absolutely tortures me...I can't imagine the pain I'll be in if/when I find out.

 

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this kind of pain? How to ACCEPT the fact that my ex, who broke up with me because she couldn't be in a relationship, might end up in a relationship sooner rather than later? How do I cope with this possibility?

[jimmyh]

Just reading this forums, you should have seen that anyone who invested emotionally in a relationship takes a minimum of 3 months to be able to date again. If they do it again before they get over their past relationship it usually ends badly.

 

So, things I did. Computer gaming for the very short term, exercise and lots of conversation with whoever would talk to me, not necessary on this type of issue.

I started to think about what makes a relationship work, compatibility and communication. And I made a spreadsheet in my mind and started checking the boxes for all issues related to those. I realized we never had that great relationship to begin with. Very few checks in the "big issue" boxes. I also made a spreadsheet for a successful couple. I compared it. That did help. And I also got into my relationships as the "knight in shining armor". Princesses, by the way, send the knights on crusades and sleep with the servants while they are gone.

[jimmyc]

Although we all seem to make outlandish scenarios in our head about what our ex's are doing and who their seeing the fact is you shouldn't have to worry about any of that and should focus on you! For all you know she is probably dead against dating at the moment.

[tothecoast]

I think it's the FEAR of finding out about something that is upsetting me more than anything else. Luckily neither of us have facebook, but I just keep imagining how I could find out, and what a painful shock it would be. I could run into her with someone at a concert this summer...or hear about it from a mutual friend...ugh ugh ugh. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Imagining her having that new-person-excitement with someone, that we had when we started dating...God, it's so intense and upsetting to think about. Jimmy, you're right...why do we do this to ourselves in our heads???

[theface71]

I have the same fear right now. Once I get over the fear I think I will turn the corner in my healing. My ex is slightly similar in the fact that she too has some emotional and family issues...but she has never said that she could never date again although she has never really had a serious relationship until she met me...

[sunshine90]

i'm going through a similar situation except my ex told me numerous times he didnt and couldnt be with anyone but now he is with someone. It breaks my heart every single day. I think about it all the time.But you know what I've came to this realization if it's going to happen it's going to happen theres nothing we can do about it. Just one day they might realize they had a good thing and regret everything they did to us.

[brickheart]

I'm right there with you... tonight I was texting with my ex and he disappeared. Now I have to assume that he's on a date having the time of his life - it's been almost 4 hours. It's so hard. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice...

[sonicfan287]

My ex moved on after 3 days... I kid you not... 2 years together... lost our virginity (both of us) and yeah... shared so many great times and she threw it away and started dating someone else 3 days later... on the other hand though, Im almost glad I got the bullet that fast because I'd be similar, worrying about her finding someone else so soon...

[Donovan79]

This. You've been trying to save her and that just turns a girl away. It makes them emotional and cry and talk about how "great" you are and how they "don't deserve you", because their *logic* brain, however small, says that that's who they should be with. However, women make decisions based on emotion and not logic, and their emotions tell them that any guy who's caring and supportive of someone who [they think in their insecurity] has such low worth, means you too must have low worth. When you were a challenge earlier in your relationship, you gave her something to strive for, you were a man who made her forget her issues and think about you, but when you became always caring, always there for her this benefit was gone.

 

You must be strong, independent, with your own life that they can join if they wish, but you cannot make your life about saving a girl. She may date soon, but like someone else said, if it begins in the next few months, it will fail. Stop putting so much of your own self-worth on what she does or thinks, realize that you were pretty great before you ever knew she existed, and get back to finding reasons why she missed out on the most amazing guy she might have ever been with.

[sonicfan287]

Chris Mac shoots, he scores!

 

Dude, you hit it right on the head. While I provided my ex girlfriend with a lot on the surface in our relationship, I will admit I became too dependent on her too, creating a very unhealthy environment. She jumped RIGHT into another relationship and I doubt she'll be coming back, but that wont stop me from changing myself for the better and becoming that person you mentioned, before she met me and making her see someday (whether she ever acknowledges it or not) that she made a huge mistake. Great post, man

[RFB]

She may date soon, but like someone else said, if it begins in the next few months, it will fail.

 

This is simply not true. Some so called rebounds last a long time if not forever. Putting your faith in the idea that any rebound relationship is doomed to failure is wishful thinking in a lot of cases.

[Donovan79]

This is simply not true. Some so called rebounds last a long time if not forever. Putting your faith in the idea that any rebound relationship is doomed to failure is wishful thinking in a lot of cases.

 

Either way, it wasn't my point.

[Dorian Gray]

LOL. Your "unique" ex sounds just like mine.

[elephants]

LOL. Your "unique" ex sounds just like mine.

 

Yeah, mine too, only mine's a guy! During and after the break up he kept insisting that he wasn't fit to be in any kind of relationship, and he won't be in one any time soon. Now I'm hearing that he's spending lots of time with some girl. Realistically, it could be just friendship, BUT it could be more. I don't really know what to think. One is just as likely as the other. On one hand, I know that my ex is capable of a purely platonic relationship with girls, his two best friends are girls and he has 0% romantic attraction to either of them-- people sometimes think he's gay because he has more female friends than male friends. BUT on the other hand, he could be having feelings for this girl simply because they both have depression and he might find himself being able to identify with her, and who knows, right? They're both emotionally and mentally troubled, so maybe that's mutually attractive to them.

 

I don't know how to deal with it either. Right now, it's a rumor but I'm scared one day I'll hear that it's for real. I've gone as far as deactivate my FB account, and practically cut ties with all mutual friends (around 99.5% of my friends), because I'm so scared of any more heartbreaking news getting to me.