Healing

[CLIMBK]

I have been getting somewhat better by the day, since the last incident, about 3 weeks ago. I have been making progress emotionally. As i am not in contact, dont have her FB etc etc i dont know whats happening with her and hence am not constantly paranoid or worried about stuff. I am accepting and trying to move on EXCEPT... for one thing.

 

My life as of current is pretty awful. I commute 2.5 hours to work, which i hate. i still alone in my office. then commute back 2.5 hours home.

I would move to the city, but i am so scared of being alone, at least when i get home there are people around.. and it feels like home.

I dont want to live in a random house share.. it just feels plain weird. i did it for a month and it was pretty awful. i have always had a house share with people i know.

 

There are times when i am so scared, and alone, and i keep thinking this is not what life should be like in your prime years (im 24) i should be enjoying it, not dreading everyday. I have become so insecure, to the point of despising myself.

 

which keeps bringing me back to how good it was this time last year.. i was in my house in the city, working 12 hours a day, BUT had a place to call home, with my ex, and it was good, stressful but good.

 

NOW it just seems like this awful cycle i go through everyday is permanent. i either choose a 5 hour commute, or live alone in the city.

I have no friends at work, because its a very secluded job. hardly any interaction with other 4 employees.

I dont want to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes i just close my eyes and just think back to the good times. and when i wake out of my dream i am back in the relentless reality.

 

Any idea how you break out of this cycle of living in the past? previously i have found the only thing that helps is getting a better life.. but since thats not happening how can i deal with the negatives?

[pippy longstocking]

you have to remember that anything compared to last year will be a poor second best until you have fully

healed and moved on .

 

I feel the same ...everything seems to be a downer , nothing to look forward to , everything I do takes a poor second place to the happiness and joy of life I felt with him ...

 

let that reassure you your not the only one.

 

you often find people re decorating ..new hair style ..a tattoo ..something , anything to get your stamp back

as an independent person .

 

so your lfie and job of course feel drab .. but not forever and this is all part of the process we go through to come

out of the other side the person we then become ... with pink hair and green walls !!

 

just tread water a while and let this pass for you ..you have a base and you have a job so you have a dammed good start ...just try and be grateful for the small things and make mental plans to become who you are now .

 

life wont always feel like this ...just stay positive and allow yourself to heal.

[spirit seeking]

The commute sounds horrendous. I have to travel 1.5 hours everyday. I have two kids. I'm on month one of a break up, and 1.4 years of a separation. I downloaded some self hypnosis MP3's to help me learn about depression. We have basic needs needs that all humans should have in order to be healthy. One of them is the need to give and receive attention. I understand that you don't want to leave home, because at least you have people there that you can talk to. But living in the city isn't so bad. The loneliest I have ever felt was when I lived in the city. I was surrounded by millions of people, but I was just another face in the crowd. No one would talk to me. So, you could get a pet in the city however. A small cat or a dog. The commute is the loneliest part of your day. if you lived closer to work, you would have time for your pet. YOu could visit family on the weekend. And you would have more time for exercising. Which is another basic need. And if you join a gym, you could meet people there. even if you lived just outside the city, shave one hour of your commute time, and spend that hour on yourself would help you heal from this break up. Speaking of which, have you tried meditation. Shambhala Meditation. It's very basic meditation that helps you keep your mind in the present. Our thoughts are always working. We never stay in the present. We are either a million miles in the future or the past, we are never ever in the present. So meditation exercises our minds to stay in the present. It's very difficult at first, but if you can meditate for fifteen minutes a day. You could find some peace. It helped me. Keep the NC going. You can do it.

[OneSadPuppy]

Wow, 5 hours a day commute for work. That is horrendous.

Yep, it would be lonely in the city ... until you did something about that.

You're going to be in a rut if you stay where you are at (not necessarily recovery, but life in general).

How can you have time for anything else.

 

My work commute is 1 hour each way. It is by far the most difficult time of my day.

Fortunately for me, I can call someone and chat/whine for that hour while driving.

 

If it were me, I'd move back to that city, start working on yourself (something you likely have no time for now).

Go to meetup dot com. Spend time exercising. Learn tennis, take dance lessons.

Learn how to build new friends (difficult, but people do it all the time!).

 

Sounds like you need to learn to be alone too (something I'm facing for likely the first time ever!).

This one is pretty hard for me to face, but I recognize it as a necessary step to me getting out of this relationship dependency rut I'm in.

 

Good job with the NC. I'm at one month and hardly a minute goes by where that face doesn't pop into my head to taunt me.

I know and eagerly await for that to fade.

 

OSP

[CLIMBK]

thanks for the replies!

ha yeah 5 hours does massively deplete my day, BUT the way i look at it, what else would i be doing? sometimes i just sit on the train and sleep for the duration, and wake up at my stop.. sometimes overshoot.. that makes it more adventurous in a very annoying way! haha

i want to move back but i was there for a month (short tenancy) and every damn day the memories were heightened to another level. i would see my old life, good job, going to dinners watching films with my ex, relaxing with my house mate after work, walking around my neighbourhood etc etc everywhere. i cant escape it.

 

when i moved back for that month i was so alone in the evenings, i would try desperately to recreate what i had before, and when it failed i would be even more miserable. towards the end i just came home cooked, ate slept. and repeated that for 2 weeks. it was horrible.

 

its pathetic i know, but i am going to try again.. moving back that is.

it so frustrating, because i know it could have been all good, and all well. i hope its all for the best. i really do hope better times are ahead in this year.. i cant believe we are almost halfway through already..

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you built your life and happiness around another person. Not healthy. No relationship should be the center of your life.

 

My suggestion is to take your time and take it slow but start to look forward to:

 

-Moving closer to the city

-Making friends in the city

-Pursuing a friendlier interaction with your coworkers

-Going out socially more

 

I think you need to expand your social circle and scene.

[CLIMBK]

Umm no, quite the opposite, my happiness was not built around her.. that was what was so good about it. we did our own thing most times, we were never co-dependant.

i never went overboard to please her, she did the same, we did not rely on each other for complete comfort..

BUT the times we had were amazing, i mean i saw the girl for almost a year and we did not have a single argument or fight!!

there were small quibbles, which got sorted out within minutes..

 

i can actively pursue all the above apart from the friendlier interaction with co-workers.. trust me you dont realise how awful this office is. they all keep to themselves.. and have been working here for 10+ years each... and are very set in their ways.

i hate this awful crap. i so desperately want my old life back its insane.

[gemsyv]

Whilst I agree that you should not build your happiness around another person, I disagree that a relationship shouldn't being the centre of your life. Why not? What is so wrong with that? If you live with someone and have children with them why the hell would they not be your world?

 

When i met my ex, I had a wonderful life. Lots of fabulous, friends and family, many interests, a beautiful home. I was very content with me and my life! When we met, he shared all the same loves as me so naturally we then spent time doing those things together. Now he's gone I miss it desperately and doing those same things now doesn't feel the same anymore and it sucks. Even being in my beautiful home isn't the same anymore and I hate that the most.

 

I feel your pain Climbk, I really do!

[Ms Darcy]

Think about it this way ... if you are unhappy without her and desperately want your old life with her back, then how is it that you aren't building your happiness around her.

 

I want to note that I didn't say anything about co-dependence, over pleasing, or reliance. I think it's possible to build happiness around someone without even spending an unhealthy amount of time on them. It's more about mindset than time. If she was your emotional support, your only support, even if you didn't go to her for support much it was still unhealthy. You didn't have other friends and outlets to rely on when your relationship ended.

 

It's a broader view of what unhealthy means.

 

 

 

In your first paragraph you asked why a relationship shouldn't be the center of your life. In your second paragraph, you answered that question. In our lives, for most of us, most of our relationship ends. That should not end our happiness and ability to enjoy life.

[gemsyv]

I don't think any of us are saying our happiness with those things has ended forever..., it certainly won't for me as I know one day I'll be happy and content again! But for the time being I'm grieving what I've lost. Grieving the happiness I felt with him, the things we shared that made me happy, my life had moved onto the next stage after being single for so long and I miss it! if that's a crime then shoot me now!

[CLIMBK]

Think about it this way ... if you are unhappy without her and desperately want your old life with her back, then how is it that you aren't building your happiness around her.

 

Ok maybe i said it wrong. I want my life back with her.. not the old but a new one. I know things would be pretty good, if we were to start again. But its not my decision. Its only human to want to be happy.. I was so content and happy back then, with everything in my life.

 

So a major reason for going back would be to feel good again. to have normality in my life again. I am so tired, so god damn tired of this burden. So frustrated with everything,

 

I agree with gemsyv. Its grieving a loss.

 

I read somewhere that only when you are happy within yourself, and doing things that make you happy will the right person.. or people find you.

BUT I am doing NOTHING that makes me happy. and its not that i can just up and quit my job, move out, find happiness. When i ask people they just say its just life, its just how it is. BUT WHY!!! I am so frustrated, today its all taking on a new level of frustration. I don't want this at all. All alone in my office, just another rat in the race, working because its "what you have to do".

I want to leave. I want to get the hell out of this god awful retarded society. Fear is instilled into my core.

 

Every time in my life when i have found just a glimmer of stability its been swept out from underneath me. i know it may sound dramatic but its true, and its true for a lot of people in the world. Sometimes I find the strength to battle against these thoughts.. others like now i feel so empty, so hollow. This pathetic state of mind has formed a vicious cycle in which I am trapped, but the fear stops me from breaking out.