For the girls ---- VIRGIN?: Is this a dealbreaker?

[Dougie_D]

hey ladies,

 

I'm a 31 year old virgin. I can talk to girls no problem but I've never been able to "seal the deal". Not even the kissing part. I've tried in the past but I've been rejected so many times that I feel extremely nervous and when I try, I bet I seem awkward.

 

So, my question is: Should I tell girls my lack of experience, being a virgin, etc..? I feel like IF they knew somehow they would understand where I come from and why I get extremely nervous about "making the first moves" , etc... It seems like when a girl actually knows my situation she looks at me in a different way and doesn't really want to be around me anymore. That makes me feel worse and more depressing. Why is that ?

[Honey1976]

Hey I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It must really hurt and be difficult for you. It sucks that people judge you for this. Actually it's kind of cool that you have ended up waiting for the right person, even though you have tried otherwise!

 

You may not realise this but you have actually been saved a ton of heartache, exposure to STDS, all kinds of stuff that comes from sleeping with people before marriage.

 

So how to deal with this... Well I think it's good for you to want to be upfront with people but it might be wise to wait before disclosing your sexual experience. In fact this is the case whether you have been with 0 or 100 people. It's generally a taboo subject.

 

I hope you get to meet the right person soon.

 

I would love your advice on my thread too.

 

Honey.

[jonny15]

I thnk you should only disclose this right before sex, unless they ask otherwise.

 

Hey I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It must really hurt and be difficult for you. It sucks that people judge you for this. Actually it's kind of cool that you have ended up waiting for the right person, even though you have tried otherwise!

 

 

I don't recall anything in his post about the right person. He simply can't get laid!

[RitaTrue]

hey ladies,

 

I'm a 31 year old virgin. I can talk to girls no problem but I've never been able to "seal the deal". Not even the kissing part. I've tried in the past but I've been rejected so many times that I feel extremely nervous and when I try, I bet I seem awkward.

 

So, my question is: Should I tell girls my lack of experience, being a virgin, etc..? I feel like IF they knew somehow they would understand where I come from and why I get extremely nervous about "making the first moves" , etc... It seems like when a girl actually knows my situation she looks at me in a different way and doesn't really want to be around me anymore. That makes me feel worse and more depressing. Why is that ?

 

No. Personally, I find virginity attractive, especially if it's for a spiritual reason. But, you sound like you're a virgin by default, than as an actual choice. I wouldnt really care about this unless you made it awkward yourself. If you made it awkward, then it'd go from "He's a virgin, who cares?" to "He's a virgin...because he has no confidence,...and that's unsexy."

 

It sounds like you equate virginity to being a loser, from what I can tell. The two are different. It saddens me that people think this way.

[femaleanomaly]

This is how I feel, personally. I can't speak for anyone else when I say that it makes a difference to me. When I am with a guy I want him to be confident and take lead in the relationship, including in the bedroom. If I were you, I would fake it till you make it. Be confident. If losing your virginity is what you want to do then just go out and do it. Honestly? I don't think it's a bad thing. I think that when people decide to wait until marriage it's an amazing feat and I really respect that kind of thing, but that doesn't seem like what you are trying to do. If you want to get the experience so that you aren't a virgin anymore, just go out and do it. Telling your partner that you're a virgin is probably a 50/50 outcome of them thinking it's 'sweet' or of it getting awkward.

 

Again, this is just my opinion and from talking to some of my girlfriends. I hope it's at least somewhat helpful. I would love to hear what other girls have to say on the topic.

[bulletproof]

 

So, my question is: Should I tell girls my lack of experience, being a virgin, etc..? It seems like when a girl actually knows my situation she looks at me in a different way and doesn't really want to be around me anymore.

 

Didn't you just answer your own question?

 

You're talking about very personal information that probably doesn't need to be disclosed until you are actually about to have sex with someone. And that will likely be quite a few dates in, at the very least. I would not tell anyone about my sex life whether I was a virgin or not, simply because I don't know them and it's personal.

 

If you're not making any moves whatsoever (kissing, etc.) because you're hung up about being a virgin, that's something you need to work on yourself. Telling a potential gf and expecting her to cater to it is not only unfair, but casts you in a bad light as well, for not figuring out your own issues.

[Dougie_D]

Well, I got drunk and I just texted the girl that I'm a virgin. Hopefully she'll just think it's an honest rant. It's the same girl through majority of my threads. I felt like I needed to tell her and be honest. I didn't tell her that I've never been in a relationship, only the part that I basically have wanted to have sex but I would rather be in a relationship first. I explained the fact that going on tour, it opened my eyes realizing the chances of me being in a relationship on the road was going to be difficult and I am starting to adept to the situation.

Basically I tried to tell her that being in a relationship to eventually have sex if off the table in my head. I would rather have that because it's a safer route, but I've decided I just need to find a girl that's more DTF.

[lalalollipops]

No virginity ain't a deal breaker. Insecurity and hang ups are.

[Dougie_D]

What are hang ups?

[blueidealist24]

Hang-ups = psychological issues relating to sex that might hold you back from having it, being able to get it, or enjoying it.

 

What's DTF mean?

[Dougie_D]

DTF = Down To F-ck

 

Well, I've never been in a situation to have sex so I don't know if I have any hang-ups. I feel a little insecure about making a "move" but I think I'm oblivious about signs and body language. Everyone says "you'll know the moment"... NO! I have no idea when that moment comes and then I get the feeling that it's too late to make the move.

[blueidealist24]

DTF = Down To F-ck

 

Well, I've never been in a situation to have sex so I don't know if I have any hang-ups. I feel a little insecure about making a "move" but I think I'm oblivious about signs and body language. Everyone says "you'll know the moment"... NO! I have no idea when that moment comes and then I get the feeling that it's too late to make the move.

 

I think your insecurity could be considered a hang-up. A couple other common ones I can think of are guilt about having sex, like feeling immoral for wanting it (which I don't think you really struggle with), or being so self-conscious about your body that you're embarrassed to be seen naked by someone else.

[Dougie_D]

Being naked in front of people is not a problem. I actually enjoy NOT having clothes on. I've been naked at parties in college. People are amazed that I don't have any shame.

 

It's the whole "making a move" thing. I've tried to kiss girls before but I've been harshly rejected. So because of it, I feel it's better to wait now until the girl becomes a little touchy with me. But that's never happened. The most touching I get is a HUG.

I've given girls a kiss on the cheek but that's it.

[blueidealist24]

Being naked in front of people is not a problem. I actually enjoy NOT having clothes on. I've been naked at parties in college. People are amazed that I don't have any shame.

 

It's the whole "making a move" thing. I've tried to kiss girls before but I've been harshly rejected. So because of it, I feel it's better to wait now until the girl becomes a little touchy with me. But that's never happened. The most touching I get is a HUG.

I've given girls a kiss on the cheek but that's it.

 

I think you SHOULD wait until the girl gets a little touchy. Otherwise, the girl might see you as too forward/aggressive and she might not actually be interested. A kiss on the cheek is a good start, shows you aren't totally uncomfortable with physical contact. Glad to hear the nakedness isn't a problem.

 

Btw, did that girl answer your text about being a virgin?

[Dougie_D]

I don't know how to get over it. And seriously, it feels like everytime when I say "go for it" she has pushed me away

[Dougie_D]

No the girl has NOT responded. I put her in a weird position though, because earlier in the same day we had made plans to do something this coming Monday.

[Dougie_D]

Otherwise, the girl might see you as too forward/aggressive and she might not actually be interested.

That's the problem. I don't think these girls are actually interested in me. I think I start to believe that because when alcohol gets involved, girls can be really flirty and I take it as if they are legitimately into me. Because I don't have much experience, I can never figure out what is legit or not!

[greywolf]

I don't think it's wrong to tell someone, in fact, I think telling a girl you're a virgin is the best thing to do, but you handled this very very badly. Texting her about it makes it looks like it's a big deal to you, and it's a turn off. Virginity is not a turn off. Your insecurity about it is the problem. I think you just sabotaged this one.

[blueidealist24]

No the girl has NOT responded. I put her in a weird position though, because earlier in the same day we had made plans to do something this coming Monday.

 

Maybe she'll just laugh it off. She sounds like kind of a chill person if this is the same girl you used to talk about, and I think you said it was. How did the virginity thing come up though, did you just throw it in at random because you were drunk or were you talking about dating experiences?

[Dougie_D]

But what I don't understand... If telling a girl that I'm a virgin is not a turn off than why do these girls get "awkward" or don't want to talk to me when I tell them?

[blueidealist24]

But what I don't understand... If telling a girl that I'm a virgin is not a turn off than why do these girls get "awkward" or don't want to talk to me when I tell them?

 

Even if it's not a turn off it's sometimes an uncomfortable subject to discuss, especially with someone you don't know that well. For the occasional girl it is a turn off, I think, though. There's a thread on here from a few days back that talks about this issue, and while most of the girls posting say it's not a turn off, a couple say it is. It's not a turn off for me, but I AM a virgin.

[Dougie_D]

The virginity came up because it ALWAYS comes up when I talk about this girl to other people. This girl has already told me she has a "sex-buddy" so, I guess my friends figured this girl may be excited that I'm a virgin.

Also, last week I texted her some nasty flirty lines. I went over the line on some of these texts. Plus, I get the feeling she isn't the relationship person and maybe that's why she has been so distant from me. I've already told her that I like "court" girls.

So in my text, I explained that since I've been on tour I have come to realize that being in a relationship with ANY girl will be pretty hard for me to find. I expressed the feeling how I'm a virgin and I would rather have SEX with a girl I'm with for awhile but I've been leaning against that moral now.

[bulletproof]

So basically, you are telling her what you think she wants to hear- that you are interested in something casual. Even though that may not be true.

 

First off, texting is a horrible way to communicate. Especially for seriously intimate information, like stuff about your sex life. Secondly, you've admitted that when alcohol is involved things get confusing for you. Why drink, then? It seems like the last thing you should be doing in your situation.

 

You get tons of good advice here and you ignore all of it.

[jonny15]

It's the whole "making a move" thing. I've tried to kiss girls before but I've been harshly rejected. So because of it, I feel it's better to wait now until the girl becomes a little touchy with me. But that's never happened. The most touching I get is a HUG.

I've given girls a kiss on the cheek but that's it.

 

Were they letting you kiss them on the cheek? Because that would seem like progress to me.

 

I've never even done that.

 

Heck, I cannot remember the last time a non-female family member gave me a hug.

[Dougie_D]

I'm not talking about myself when I drink. I need a few drinks to even get the courage to try to make a move. I'm talking about when the GIRLS drink. When girls drink they can be flirty and touchy but don't actually mean it because they are a little tipsy. It takes A LOT of alcohol for me to not know what's going on. I used the "drunk" part as an excuse if things become awkward.