Another breakup and GF moved out

[DRW14]

Wow, I wish I found this forum while my GF and I were going through all the fighting. It's likely too late to fix things, but looking for others opinions.

 

First off, I had two kids from a prior relationship (never married their mom, thank GOD, that's a whole other thread in itself). I settled down and moved in with someone else when they were 3. Her and I were together for two years and then got married. Were together another two years then she cheated and left me for another guy out of state.

 

That divorce just killed me emotionally. Plus I lost everything (credit screwed, personal property lost, foreclosed on my house etc). I don't think I ever really got over it. That was 2007. During that relationship, I don't know why, but I would not be physical with her. For example she would hug and I wouldn't really hug back...more on this later. She had some of her own issues during her childhood (mother abandoned her basically) so she wasn't perfect.

 

Well, since the divorce, I've had two serious relationships. One that lasted a year with a nasty breakup, and the second most recent.

 

We work together and she always caught my eye. I never had the guts to ask her out until I was working there about eight months. We were dating a few weeks when she finally told me. During the time I had no guts, she had traveled to Ireland and met someone there. They began a relationship (I don't know how that's possible 10,000 miles away but...). Since she had started to date me, she said she fell in love with me. Well, at this point I'm very confused. If she was in a relationship with this guy in Ireland, why would she start anything with me? Besides, I've been cheated on before and I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of it. I didn't want to be apart of this anymore. The only reason she told me was because she was traveling back to Ireland in a few weeks to see him. Well obviously they would be intimate together so I wasn't having ANY part of this. She got really upset and said that I "wasn't supposed to happen." She had always seen me around the office but never made the effort to contact me either. I told her we had to stop the relationship and she drove away crying. It sucked because I met her kids (she didn't meet mine) and they were awesome/sweet kids. I went to a few of her son's baseball games and her daughter asked me if I could come to their house for dinner.

 

So she left for Ireland and took a month off work to finish school. I left her alone for a little while and felt bad about how things ended. I sent her a text message a couple of times and got very short answers. Finally, she replied, "why are you texting me. we aren't friends." So that did it for me. I was just trying to be nice and at least have her in my life. I felt bad totally cutting her off, but I guess that's what she wanted. While in Ireland, she ended the relationship with the other guy.

 

Well, a month or so later, she came back to work. My heart skipped a beat seeing her for the first time in almost two months. The same feelings came rushing back. But, I held my ground, we weren't friends at her request so I ignored her. She was upset that I ignored her and at least wanted a "professional" relationship. So it became "Hi" & "Bye" that's all I would say to her. I didn't want to go through all the same things again so I had to keep it that way. Of course, this upset her too.

 

Fast-forward a couple months and she's having a hard time with some personal things. Totaled her car, can't find a job since she graduated law school etc. So she call's on her "professional relationship" friend for help. Well, I didn't think it was very professional for her to begin to talk about personal issues in a professional relationship, but I let it slide. Being her only guy friend, I had to go with her to the car dealership (so she wouldn't get taken advantage of) as her asking to pick out new car with her. That day just felt strange. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Natural. Like we had been together for ages. No hint of awkward-ness. That, along with lunch together the next day, we both knew round 2 of a relationship was next obvious thing.

 

If your still reading and havent' fell asleep yet...thanks....I'm getting there. (FYI, just writing this stuff out is making me feel a little better anyway)

 

So we jumped into relationship mode, I meet her family at a religious ceremony as well as getting invited to Thanksgiving at her mother's house. Things are going fine. My kids meet her kids and mesh well. Two months later we move in together. At Christmas, we each tell each other NOT to get ANYTHING for Christmas. Well, I'm a guy so I go with it. But lesson learned, if a girl EVER tells you NOT to get anything for Christmas, she's LYING!!

 

She was really upset that I didn't get her at least a card. She said during the break up that at that point, she knew she shouldn't have moved in with me. So we are living together and things are OK. I haven't lived with anyone in over five years so it's all new to me. She hasn't lived with anyone since her divorce either. So, yeah we butt heads a little on stupid stuff, normal.

 

For her the stress of no job is really getting to her. She's also studying for the bar exam and has little time for anything else. One day she just starts chewing my ass for taking some of her clothes hangers because one of my kids needed some. I mean, we're talking about 10 cent hangers here. She says her point is I just took them instead of asking for them. Uh, ok.

 

Then I got hurt at work so I'm at home (doctors orders) so now she's upset that I'm sitting around the house doing "nothing." Plus she say's I don't appreciate her, I don't respect her, I need to be nicer and my favorite, I need to talk "to" her not "at" her. So I try to work on it but she's just not letting me. I would say, "how was your day" and get NO response. Then she nit picks about the things my kids do. Which to a degree i can understand because at 12, sometimes kids can be disrepectful.

 

Then one day I'm cleaning out the garage because it was still a mess from the move. I'm moving things around then she comes home. Right away it's, "dont' move that" or "why did you move that there" or "you scratched my table" and "that's mine don't move it" I just lose it. I was doing fine moving things around till she came home and started * * * * * ing at me I tell her. Then she loses it. "Your an * * * * * * * " and "i hate you" and " i never should have moved it with you" etc etc. Truth really comes out. She's threatening to move so I say if your moving then get out now because I can't deal with this.

 

Now she's sleeping on the couch because she "can't stand sleeping next to me." we are on complete ignore mode, except for when she needs me to get her kids. Remember, she said she hates me. The very next day after saying that, she wants me to pick up her kids from school. Something she rarely asked me to do. But being the nice guy, trying to fix things, I do it for her and several more times after that.

 

So this being nice to her like she wanted is getting me no where. Making dinner, no credit. Cleaning the house, no credit. Taking her kids to school, no credit. Why be nice to her if she treats me worse. When I ask how your days was, at least be nice back and give me a response! So I stop being nice. Then I hear about it. So I try being nice again, same attitude, so I stop again..

 

Well finally she's moving out and it hits me like a ton a bricks. This is NOT what I wanted. I beg her to stay but her mom is here with the truck and they start loading. Well, now I'm pissed off, so I just leave. On the way out, her mom gives me an evil stare. What's pissing me off is, her family, and her friends have only heard her side of all this. She wasn't so perfect either. I never said I hated her or this was a big mistake. Did she call me hurtful names? yes. Did I call her hurtful names back? yes. But I never said I hated her. I loved her. In the beginning, she talked about getting married. We both wrote down the guest list without blinking an eye and looked at each other like * * * ? Did we really just do that? It was good then.

 

OK, this is the strange part that really confused me. They day after she moved out, she sent me a text message. "can you bring me an allergy pill?"

 

So, the only scenario I could think of that this would make sense is, she's out front of the house (not having a key because she left it). She wants me to bring her an over the counter allergy pill she may have left in the cabinet? A pill she can get anywhere? Well I wasn't home and I never responded so I was very confused at why she would even send me a message like that. Did she really think I would do it?

 

Then she text's me to leave a key on Monday so she can clean. I ignore her again. Monday comes and she sends me another message, "you didn't leave a key so I can't clean" I send back "I didn't leave a key because i don't want you around"

 

she says "goodbye" and i send "F#% you" (that part was probably dumb but I just don't care).

 

In closing, it just really hurts to be left "holding the bag" so to speak just like I did with my divorce. I feel like failure, again. What's worse is I feel bad for my kids. I brought them into this only for them to see me fail. They took the divorce hard. One of them didn't understand. I remember one saying back then, "when's she coming over for a sleepover?" haha, they were seven then. They actually never saw her again....

 

Does it seem like I'm better off without this one? Does anyone think I really could have fixed things? Did I fail? Is it just me? I've taken several medications for depression from the divorce, none helped. Ive talked to therapists, but that didn't seem to work either.

 

Sorry for rambling but, just typing this helped me feel a bit better. It still hurts inside though.

Thanks for reading.

[Reloxx]

Well, from what I gather, this was a brief relationship. From the studies I have done, the whole butterfly in your stomach, and the feeling hot and bothered, and all that good stuff that you get when you meet someone special is supposed to last no more than 2 years. After that, because of familiarity, your brain produces different chemicals. These chemicals are the ones that are long lasting and make you feel warm and comfortable.

 

So, if during those initial two years, which is supposed to be the honeymoon period in a relationship, you're having this much trouble then I would proceed with caution if at all. I don't know if that helps you in this case.

 

From everything you've said, I can see that both of you have your issues. She may not be easy to deal with but neither are you, and that's fine. Maybe it was just not meant to be. Perhaps you guys were incompatible in a deeper level. You guys obviously had the physical attraction, you seem to be older and more mature, you both are divorced with kids, and you guys both worked together. Naturally you guys have things in common. And when a person goes through a divorce, a lot happens. You doubt yourself and etc. And when someone finds an interest in you this good feeling is heightened by a sense of belonging and a sense of still being desirable. This can lead to rushing into things because the heart and the brain want more and more of this feeling. But once all that starts to wear off you start seeing the not so good side of things. This could be what you guys experienced.

 

My advice, and I am no expert, is that you move on, amicably. I know it is hard but you can do it. I would advise for you to find a hobby. Spend more time with the kids outside or something. And find something for yourself. Be it reading, video games, writing, guitar, whatever. Anything you can do at home. Then I would also recommend starting a good diet and a good workout regiment.

 

I honestly believe that the key to happiness starts from within. You need to take care of yourself and start from there. Focus on you and your kids. After a month or so of good healthy eating (chicken breasts, brown rice, vegetables) and working out, you will see a nice change in your body. What this will do besides give you confidence is actually start to produce those feel good chemicals in your brain. That's what you want.

 

I will also recommend you to do some intensive reading and introspection and figure yourself out. Obviously a divorce is rough and you've had past relationships that haven't gone too well. Study yourself and figure out where and how you're hurting and fix it. It can be through self-healing, yoga, meditation, group therapy, counseling, blogging, whatever you find more appealing. I have gone through my share of issues and I was really tough and harsh on myself. I blamed myself and it got to a point where I just read every book on psychology that pertained to my relationship issues that I could find. I've realized that in EVERY single case of a bad relationship, the issues are 50/50. It is essential that one understands this so that you can fix this and not make the same mistakes over and over.

 

Look, during my quest for answers as to why I was going through this tough tough time, I found something monumental about myself. I had a childhood trauma that was affecting me 24 years later. I didn't recognize it until now. But now that I know what it was I can see clearly why it is that I cling on to dear life to my woman. Because I found my issue, I am working on it little by little, I will not be making the same mistake twice.

 

So, what I am trying to say is that you need to heal yourself. You already have the most important part of your life with you, and that is your kids. Everything else is a bonus and secondary. Focus on yourself and your kids. Address whatever you need to fix and move on with your life. That woman does not seem like she's ready for a healthy relationship. You don't want to put your kids through that stuff.

 

As to why you think it may have been a mistake to let her move out... I can only speculate because I don't have enough knowledge, experience, and details on your case but I believe that given your past relationships, maybe you have a fear of not being enough for your partner, and seeing her pack her stuff and go made you feel weak and not wanted and like there was something wrong with you and you reached out to stop her from leaving because if she did stay then it would make you feel better and reassure you that you're not the problem here. The thing is that YOU'RE NOT THE PROBLEM. But you need to realize that on your own and not through another person. You get me?

 

I don't know if this is what you wanna hear but I feel like this is what I would want to hear if I were you. I think you'll be fine and you just need to distract yourself from your thoughts for a good little while. Keep yourself busy, don't listen to music, don't watch romantic movies, etc etc. Keep active, keep busy, and keep moving forward. I found that while I was hurting ( I still am) reading about myself and learning about myself really kept me busy and focused all that energy on myself. bettering myself. Learning myself. understanding myself. In the end, I learned a whole bunch about myself and I know now that I am a better man than before but I also know that I WAS NOT the only one with an issue. Like I said earlier, it takes two. Every relationship, including where there is infidelity, it is 50/50. You just have to see it and understand it and embrace it and then fix it.

 

Anyways, I hope you feel better. I know things will work out for us all, one way or another. I can say though, that knowledge is power. Read.

 

Take care of yourself buddy.

[FreedomRing]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Excellent post. Print out and read several times. Anything I wanted to mention, was said much better above^^^

[Lastchallenge]

Awesome thread!

[DRW14]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Excellent post. Print out and read several times. Anything I wanted to mention, was said much better above^^^

 

From a females prospective, what are your thoughts?

[DRW14]

Reloxx, really appreciate your reply. I'm already trying tO do some of the things you suggested.

[FreedomRing]

My perspective is that you too are just not compatible. Seems very drama-filled. It also seems like she is an opportunist and a 'taker'. I noticed that she kinda slinked herself back into the picture, by needing something from you(help with getting her a car - truth is, she's a big girl, she could have done this herself). Another example, is how she gets funky and in a tizzy while living with you, then expects you to still do her favors...like picking up/taking her kids to school. So in those respects she's a taker, but that also makes you a bit of a doormat.

 

It seems like you both have extreme walls up from previous relationships, and you're both walking around pretty dinged up with massive scars, ready to throw in the towel, after pushing buttons. Very dangerous. At this point in your life, you should be looking for someone who has already worked through their 'baggage' and is really fundamentally capable of giving what a relationship needs (communication, respect, trust,).

 

You also need to sort through your own baggage as well.

[DRW14]

just trying to understand the doormat comment. do you mean i make myself the doormat, or she makes me a doormat?

 

and me and my ex are both leo's, both wanting to be the alpha in the relationship. i think that's why we butted heads, but everything was good in the first 4 months of dating each other and things were fine the 1st round we dated too.

 

but i think my biggest previous relationship hangup is just still being pissed off over how my ex wife left me. it's like, if she wanted to leave, why couldnt she just leave? why did it take cheating on me to get it done? i'm over her...just not over the aspects of the breakup. any thoughts on that? i can't fix that other than to just forget it, and that's hard to do. maybe it's just i had no say in the closure of it?

[DRW14]

Well, it's been two weeks since she moved out. The only communication we've had is text's back and forth about things she forgot to take with her (clothes) or things she took by accident. I'm going back to work next thursday after being off a few months due to injury. I'm dreading it in a way because I know I will see her there. Plus, I know all her friends know about the outcome of our relationship.

 

I'm very concerned with what people think of me. I don't want to look like the bad guy. I think there were equal parts responsibility with how this ended. I will just feel like a * * * * * * * . that I can't even keep a relationship.

[loveiswaiting]

she is extremly stressed. it could be from lack of work or another. I know rthat tempermeant . I get so stresses with my ex and living sition and lack of work and etc. I f**king flip out on everybody, even the littlest thing. Question is can she come back form that place or catch herself before she gets there. Does she allow you in to help her. If not then sound like she needs to work on herself. Also, there is one person in this whole world that everything theat the do, drives me insane and i dont want her to touch anything. my ex mom. She could just move something to the other side of the room. If she feels that for you, she has alot of anger towrds you and doesnt love u. I think she may care for you but cant sort herself out. You can give her time or move on.

[DRW14]

Yeah, shes a control freak. But then again, so am I. So neither of us having the control over the other may have done it. It just sucks.

 

I keep telling myself I should just snap out of it, but its been very difficult.

[loveiswaiting]

BUt you shouldnt want conrtol over each other. I get what yoursaying. but its about working together and around each other then you realize thier no need to control the sition because you guy already working it out. If that makes any sense. When a couple doesnt work togther and doesnt communicate, there will be problems. She is def not commiunicating. As for yoiu, you may have ur own problems but you were still trying. You trying to work on it. She is just unhappy. I do feel for you. I been cheated on by my ex and I still live with him. Suppose to be "working " on it. but i dont and could never trust him. tats a whol thing on its own. I would go to work and act normal, talk to her normal. I suggest you dont ignore her, may cause work scene. Just act like a co-worker. Dont worry what others think becuase the human ones, lol know they didnt hear your side. Also, you may never know how she willl react when she sees you. Even she doesn't. i hate to admint but i envy you a little . Anyway best of luck with your love life.