should i shut up, or say how i feel?? help please!!!!

[clodhopper]

Hey guys, any help would be great, please!! Here's my story (sorry if it's long...):

 

Last year in my 1st year at university, I grew really close to this guy 2 years older than me that lived in my residence. We became really good friends, and we were best friends by the time christmas break rolled around. I flew home for the holidays and he stayed there (since he lived there) - while he was there and I was at home, we talked every day on msn and emailed and missed each other tons, and the worst part was that he was going to another city for second semester to do a co-op work term, so I wouldn't see him for the next 4 months. We both started realizing we had "more than friends" feelings for each other, and to make a long story short... we decided to be together, even though it would be long distance right from the start. We were basically already in love, so we didn't care.

 

That term was difficult, as all long distance relationships are (I'm sure a lot of you know this!! eek!!) but we got through it and we felt so much stronger when he came back at the end of April. We both stayed at school for the summer to do extra courses, and we got to spend those 4 months together, which was awesome. We totally fell for each other, he was my first boyfriend, and first lover... we had such a great connection, and everything just seemed right. Obviously we had our bad days and arguments, but what couple doesn't? In general, we were great together.

 

For this semester, he had to do another co-op work term, so he went back to Ottawa. I went home at the end of the summer for a couple weeks to visit friends/family, then went to see his new place in Ottawa before I came back to school for the new semester. Those few days were also pretty great. We bickered, but just because of how we didnt want to do long distance again... nothing serious. We left on amazing terms, him saying this semester would be great despite being long distance, and we'd be happy, and he loved me more than anything.

 

So I came back to school, and things were a little weird - not talking as much, him seeming down in the dumps, etc but I didn't think anything of it really. only 5 days after I came back to school, he decided he wanted to break up after 8 months of being together... and I was devastated.

 

SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG!! i'm just trying to give you guys a sense of our history, etc.

 

anyway... i took it pretty bad and i was really upset for the first few days, but i gradually started getting better. we talked still because we were best friends, but not as much... and the conversations were obviously a little weird.

 

we talked a couple days after the breakup and he said all this stuff about how his feelings hadnt changed, he was just confused and needed some time to himself. he said hes still in love with me and i'm the most important person in his life, and he doesnt want to shut the door completely on us ever being together again sometime in the future. he said he just wanted to be single right now in his life and just be happy with his individual life, before he tried to be happy taking care of someone else too.

 

its been 2 and a half weeks now, and i'm a LOT better! we talk occasionally, but not really too much, but i think maybe thats the best for now. i have my ups and downs, and definitely more ups these days. i'm doing well. i've realized what he meant and how he feels, since i was too upset at the time to understand. but now i really do and i'm willing to change, i'm already changing in fact.. being more happy with myself, and i can see he is too. i'm focusing on school, work, and friends. i keep myself busy. i'm a lot happier!! and i've been really good in not talking to him or bothering him. if he emails me, i'll write him back, etc. but i dont go out of my way, because hes the one that wanted time and space... and everyone says you need to respect that and not act clingy, no matter how much you want to talk to them.

 

so all in all, i think i'm doing okay considering the situation... and i finally feel like i dont NEED him in my life, i just really WANT him. he said he didnt want us to feel like we needed each other to be happy, he wanted us to be happy and then just want the relationship as a bonus, and it would add to our happiness. but he didnt want it to be like we were the only things in each others lives that kept us happy... and i agree.

 

i just really feel now like i WANT him more than anything. i've spent a lot of time seriously thinking... and i feel like we oculd make it work. i just dont know if its better to tell him how i feel OR give him more time before i try talking to him OR just keep my mouth shut altogether. any advice???

 

the hardest thing is that i cant even see him if we did decide we wanted to talk about it, since he's in ottawa til christmas. and of course since i'm still in love with him, i have that little hope deep down inside me that we'll get another chance.

 

everyone tells me that if its meant to be, then we'll get another chance to be together.

 

can anyone give me any advice on this???? i love him so much, and i want him to know that i finally understand how he feels, and i know now what we need to do to change and make us work.

 

do i talk to him??? give him time???? GIVE UP?!?!! thanks!!!!!!

[ladyluck]

if there's possibility you'll get back together i wouldn't completely shut the door on that relationship and throw in the towel. If you both have that mutual love for eachother you should try to make it work. i agree with him finding where you stand alone makes your relationship all the stronger if you get back together.give him alittle more time, the time waiting could help you in turn also. give him about 2 more weeks then call him up. make sure you can take any hit that comes to you before getting into the ring. 2 weeks before my boyfriend broke up with me i had the feeling that he would and instead of preparing my self i had a denial phase thinking he'd never do that to me and go figure i broke down and had a hard time getting on my feet but it's been two weeks since we broke up, and i'm up for casual dating, but not so much a relationship. follow your heart but don't give it complete control.

[sonjam]

YOu sure he's not playing around under the "finding myself" cover?? Sorry, I had to ask, I've become a bit of a cynical person as far as that is concerned, too often they find themselves with someone else, without having to break the news to you - keep the backdoor open, and then when they either get bored, or lose interest - then they "found" themselves and suddenly can't live without you....

 

 

 

If that is not the case, I would recommend not telling him about how you feel yet. He should be the first to initiate rekindeling conversations, since he's the one requesting the breakup. You are , well not in such harsh terms but you are in this relationship the "dumped" partner. The "dumpee" is the one who should tell the "dumped" one if they want to patch it up or not. If it is the otherway around, the "dumped" one is seen as needy and clingy.

 

Great for you for wanting him and not needing him, but since you don't need him, have him as a friend in your life, until he is ready to get into this relationship again. I would STRONGLY sugest you wait until Xmas and you see him again. Usually absense makes the heart grow fonder, and by then if he really loves you - you will have your boyfriend back (if it is not the first scenario I described).

 

Good Luck

[clodhopper]

thank you to both of you for replying, i really appreciate it.

 

ladyluck thank you for your kind words. some people that i have spoken to have said kinda what you said, about giving it a little more time and maybe approaching him if things are still going relatively well, and i feel the same about him at that point. i really want to follow my heart, but i dont know if right now thats the best thing to do... it'll be 3 weeks as of tomorrow since the breakup. i'm going home for thanksgiving this weekend, and maybe after it's been a month, i'll write him... anyway thanks for replying, and if you have any other advice, please let me know.

 

sonjam i understand that you needed to ask if he's just playing the cover of "finding himself" but i really don't think he is. i know that some guys do that... but for some reason i really trust him. we've talked a bit about if either of us has picked up anyone new or anything, and he's said he hasn't noticed anyone, nor does he want to pick up. i talked to my closest friend here at school, and she said kinda what you said - that i shouldn't initiate anything. she was like "he broke up with you and needs to realize what an amazing person you are. if he wants you back, he should be BEGGING for you, not the other way around"... thanks for your advice, and feel free to write more if you have any other advice.

 

thanks again guys... we'll see how it goes

[clodhopper]

UPDATE: So my ex and I have been talking occasionally since the breakup (4 weeks ago) and things have been okay. We haven't tried to talk all the time, so that's why we've been getting along, since it's only once in a while when we talk. We weren't sure about having NC since we're best friends, and I didn't want to lose my boyfriend AND my best friend, so we've tried to stay in contact without making things awkward.

 

Last night we spoke on MSN. We just talked about silly things and made small talk, etc. But I told him last week that I wanted him to know that I had been thinking about us, and he said he wanted me to tell him what I had been thinking about. Last night when we were talking he asked if I was gonna write him a letter with what I wanted to tell him, and I said I wasn't sure because I didn't want to say all these things and make things weird between us and lose our friendship. At the same time, I do want to be honest about how I feel.

 

He said that nothing I could say would make him act awkwardly when we spoke, so it would only be an issue if I thought I would be weird after. Then he said how if there were things I wanted to say, I should just say them. He said he thought he knew the jist of what I wanted to say, but he wanted me to actually say it instead of him just assuming. I said I thought maybe it was best to just give it time.

 

He then went on to say that if nobody went after what they wanted, then no one would live their dreams, or grow old with the person they love, or persevere anything long enough to achieve what seems like the unachievable. He said that we have to go after what we want, and even if we fail, at least we know that we gave it a good try and we're not left wondering "what if"... so that makes me feel like I should really write him, and be prepared for anything that he might say in response.

 

On the other hand, he said again last night in conversation that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now, etc... so I don't know if it makes sense for me to write him. Maybe I just need more time... ???

 

If anyone could help, that would be great. Thanks.

[Meow18]

It seems like he thinks he knows what you are going to say & I think he wants you to say it, but since he was the one who broke up with you, then he should be the one to tell you it first.

 

You could always just sort of tell him. I think you should tell him that you realize now what he meant when he said that he wanted you both to just want each other and not need each other to be happy. You do realize that now, so you should tell him. You don't even have to say anything about still wanting him. Just tell him that you understand what he meant now & you really feel like you don't need him to be happy.

 

Just leave it at that. I think that you shouldn't talk seriously about it until December, when you see him. It would be best to just keep things the way they are. When you are actually together in december, then you can talk about being together again in a relationship. Of course if thats what you both want at that time.

 

THe people who told you that if its meant to be you will be together again, are right. If you are meant to be together for the rest of your lives, thats the way it will be. It sounds like there's a good chance that you will be together again, so I don't think you should give up yet.