How did you know she/he is the ONE?

[jch4711]

My gf of a year and 7 months recently decided to break up and take time for herself to decide whether or not I am the ONE for her. A year ago, she clearly thought I was, however our relationship became long distance (temporary 3 years while I went to law school) yet we still saw each other every 2 or 3 weeks. Other the year of long distance, a lot of stuff in her life changed (friends, family) and she started having doubts and thinking "What if's" I was the ONE. Up until now, I thought we had a perfect relationship (other than the distance). We got along on every level.

 

She asked me when we broke up why I thought she was the ONE, and I just said "I know" but couldn't give a more descriptive answer. I thought of it a few days later as SHE was the only thing I could think about. She is my ONE because not just how completely compatible we are, but because with her, I can truly be myself. I have exposed to her a level of me I didn't know existed and the same goes vice versa with her as well.

 

Do you think giving her time and space (NC) can make her realize I am the ONE again? Since she's already had to deal w/not missing me as badly because of the distance, wouldn't NC just enhance those defenses? How did you guys/girls (i'm particularly interested to hear what the women have to say) know your bf, mate, or ex was the one?

[adidas7fire]

Hey there,

 

I completely understand where you are coming from and why you may have doubts. In a way, it's a good thing that you two are spending time apart because that shows the both of you (well, you for sure) how much she means to you. I know that a few months ago I broke up with my bf that I thought could have been the one but unfortunately he had to move to another state for college. I knew that the long distance factor was going to be crucial to the relationship so we decided to end it mutually and remain friends (which I know in some cases doesn't always work out). My point is, you must follow your heart and see where it leads you. Have you told her how you feel as far as when you two are apart? A year and a half is definitely a long time to be together yet is a wonderful thing, yes I know. But think about this -- you may feel as though she is your soulmate but if she doesn't feel the same way about you, that's just not fair. I honestly believe that everything should be a two-way street and not a one-way detour if you know what I mean.

 

So, basically take this time that you are given to enjoy what you want to do. Don't blame yourself for anything that had happened -- that's for damn sure! Good luck!

[faeriechyld]

I think that taking a break from each other is healthy. Perhaps she's been so focused on the distance and making it work that she's drained?

 

I, myself, am in a long distance relationship, and I cannot say there are days I don't doubt whether it's worth it or whether my boyfriend is the one for me. I think it's human nature to fear things, to fear things not working out and a fear of getting hurt. The reason I stay with my boyfriend is hard to explain with words. It's a feeling I have, when I hear his voice when he calls after a few days of silence(he's in the military, so silent days happen), the few times we are able to see each other, the moment I see him all my doubts vanish and it's like I fall in love with him all over again. It's different with my boyfriend than it's been in other LDR's I've attempted. I -want- to make it work.

 

But like you said, it's a feeling that is hard to describe, you just know. It's the easiest thing in the world, but it can be the hardest and scariest thing we go through.

 

I hope that this time apart will bring this girl back to you. I do think giving her the time she requests may be the key. Good luck!

[Mjane]

jch,

 

I don't believe there is only ONE, ONE. I think there are several people out there that could be the ONE, although admitedly it's not a huge number and they are super hard to find.

I guess it depends on her philosophy on this subject. Is she looking for perfection? Does she envision a romantic relationship under a fantasy hue? Where there are no struggles or problems?

People who prefer dream worlds to reality often give up on potentially awesome relationships (and even might pass on the ONE) because they don't understand what it takes to make a successful relationship.

It doesn't sound like the two of you had many obstacles in your lives other than the distance. Could the two of you have been growing apart and this is why she is unsure? She's had some termoil in her life unrelated to you and perhaps she just needs time to get her priorities in order.

There are events that can happen (for me it's been deaths of friends and family) that can make you scrutinize your life and decide to take a new path. This could be what she is doing.

I have only once felt like I found One of my Ones. I knew because he "GOT" me. He understood the way I thought. He understood the way I reacted to things and didn't judge me. He accepted me for who I was.

It was the greatest feeling in the world to know that someone loves you for WHO you are deep down inside. It's that acceptance for me that was key. Unfortunately he died three years ago.

I felt that my X (a month since breakup) did not get me, but I was willing to give the relationship time to see if he could work toward that point. The funny thing is I understood him, except I didn't know he was an intimacy phobe until after the breakup. I mean it takes months, if not years, for someone to completely understand you. I realize that and so I try to be patient.

[JustPlainSad]

I think everyone has had a few "Ones" not just one one. I think a person will know which one is the "One," when they can have a terrible argument, lots of things come out and say some many mean things to each other, and having that bring them closer together and never having to revisit the same argument again. When people can get through that a few time, and NOT duing the honeymook phase, I think they have a good chance to be each others so called "One."

 

Everyone argues, it is how we handle the argument is what is important. Both sides need to knock down some pride and when that happens, blue skys are ahead!

[chai714]

jch4711,

How did you know she/he is the ONE?

 

Whomever you declare to be "the one" is just that. It's simply a declaration or a decision made on your behalf declaring that so and so is "the one." Often, when two people have a good relationship that is strong over the period of a few years declare the person they're with to be "the one." Does that really make them "the one?" Well, I suppose if you decide that person is, then they are "the one," but only because you said so.

[if only]

I dont think there is truly a 'one' like most of you I think there are more than one.

 

I personnaly think that there becomes a time in you life that you will feel the need to settle down, if at this time you are in a loving, steady, happy relationship it will be that person.

 

Most people want to start familiys and get married but not necessarily at the same time as others.

 

For example - My ex could never see himself getting married until in his late 30's I on the other hand want to get married in my 20's so all though we were in love we did not want the same things.

 

Another example: two 16 year olds, could have the most amazing connection and be very in love but not feel ready to get married too young etc, 5 years down the line realise that connection has gone because they have grown apart and separate.

 

Whereas two 28 year olds could have less of a connection but feel happy and ready to commit at this time in there lives, They are the 'one' for each other and it could either last or the same thing as the 16 year old happens.

 

I think timing and age has more of an influence over our choice of who the 'one' is.

 

After all how many of you have broken with an ex only to say it would have been perfect if we had met at different times in our lives!! I know I have

[jch4711]

I personnaly think that there becomes a time in you life that you will feel the need to settle down, if at this time you are in a loving, steady, happy relationship it will be that person...

 

I think timing and age has more of an influence over our choice of who the 'one' is.

 

After all how many of you have broken with an ex only to say it would have been perfect if we had met at different times in our lives!! I know I have

 

YES! This is something that she said. However, we are 24 and 27 respectively. She is not someone who is afraid of committment or long term relationships. I think perhaps she is just not sure about marriage just yet, but even that is something that I didn't have in mind for another 2 years and she knows that. Do you think it's the fear that marriage is the next thing left in our relationship?

 

What exactly can be done about bad timing? Honestly, it kills me to think we could go through life with such regrets that we had met the perfect person but because of whatever situation, we let "timing" get in the way. She is a big believer in fate and believes that if we were meant to be, we will be together again.

[jch4711]

Mjane,

 

I know exactly what you are talking about with regards to the acceptance of someone else to know they are the ONE. That is precisely the way I feel about my ex and I know she feels the same about me. There were odd quirks and idiosyncracies about the two of us that to anyone else, would just be plain weird, but it's not that I love her in spite of it, I love her BECAUSE of it.

 

You also hit it right on the nail. She had a traumatic family death last year and her core group of friends are somewhat distant now. Furthermore, she is just getting started with her own career development.

 

Do you think once these issues in her life are stable, she will also come around? The distance was the only obstacle that ever stood in the way of our relationship, however I will only be away for another year and a half before I'm back permanently.

 

Your thoughts?