I need advice from people who are familiar with depression. Thanks!

[elephants]

It's a long story, but the gist is that my ex-boyfriend has depression. I have reason to believe that his depression affected his decision to break up with me. When one day, out of the blue, my ex told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted out, I thought it was just a "phase" and we agreed to give it time. We took time apart, but that only made him worse. After I moved out, he started showing signs of depression-- feeling "empty", apathy, suicide attempt. It did not help that he took to drinking. I didn't know about this at that time because we had agreed to go no contact, and none of his friends wanted to meddle in our affairs. He started seeing a psychiatrist then, and started psychotherapy that sounds Freudian in nature (sexuality and childhood).

 

After our time apart, we met and he finalized his decision to break up. He was a mess. He told me he couldn't handle a relationship, that he only saw me as a friend, that he never missed me in our time apart, that he is meant to die alone. I couldn't believe it. I have always known that my ex is pessimistic and doesn't cope well with stress related to emotions (i.e., he has anger management troubles and used to destroy everything in his path when mad), but I didn't think it was serious. He had this "phase" a year ago as well, and told me the same things about not having feelings for me anymore but I was able to talk him into waiting a while before deciding to break up. It seemed hopeless, but then one day everything became normal again and he told me the "phase" just went away on its own. But this time, he wouldn't be talked out of it. I reminded him about what happened the year before, but he told me it's not the same this time, that it's no longer a phase, that "it's his life". I told him that he's not making sense, and that he can't just fall out of love so quickly, that maybe his feelings are just being clouded over by the "phase". But of course, he wouldn't listen.

 

I started researching, and found stories similar to mine in depression forums. I told my ex that maybe he has depression, and to ask his doctor about CBT, as I've read that Freudian psychoanalysis can make depression worse. He asked his psychiatrist, and although she admitted that conventional psychiatrists would diagnose him with depression, she refused to do so. She said that pills were for lazy doctors. I don't think they changed his therapy either. He told me that his psychiatrist told him to "set a goal for himself and work towards it", to "leave behind everything bad about the past" and to "get over the fact that everything is meaningless". I wouldn't know, but that doesn't sound therapeutic to me. I can get the same advice here on ENA from non-doctors.

 

Anyway, I've cut contact from him because I am in a state of confusion. I love this guy very much and I want another chance with him. I'm apprehensive to make any kind of contact because that might make him feel guilty and pressured. At the same time, I'm scared to be out of contact, because it might make him forget about me. I deleted him from Facebook because it hurt me to see anything about him, and I was hurt because he blocked me from chat. He texted me last week with a trivial question, but I didn't reply, because I'm stupid and confused.

 

Now I don't know what to do. Will he forget about me? Is it out of sight, out of mind for depressives? Does he really not love me anymore? Did I push him away by not replying to his text? I'm thinking of replying now, even though it's a week late. I'll just tell him that I haven't seen the thing he asked me about last week, and sorry it took so long to reply because I was out of town and busy (kind of true). Should I?

 

My friend, who is bipolar, talked to my ex and recommended his own doctor, because he agrees with me that the original doctor doesn't seem to be helping much. This same friend told me to just leave my ex alone at least until he is able to take meds. Why is this? Should I follow this advice?

 

I will appreciate insights from people familiar with depression. Thank you!

[Cheetarah]

I would say leave him alone until he gets things together. Right now, you are almost taking on the role of pseudo-therapist - I understand that you want to see him happy, but this sort of thing only tends to build resentment. It feels like parenting rather than you both being on equal ground. I say this as someone who has been in shoes like your ex, and shoes like yours.

 

I can relate to this as I had an on/off thing with a man whose got severe emotional problems. He would also go through 'spurts' where everything would be fine, or everything would be horrible and he had to cut ties, he didn't love me anymore and was meant to walk alone in this life - Only to come back when he felt semi-regulated again. He said a lot of things I spent months analyzing, I found I was taking more responsibility for his life than he was his own, or even MY OWN(This was also a way I felt I could avoid the pain - By focusing on his problems, I could be in denial of what was really going on). Right now, feeling the way you do, you need to harness your energies towards yourself. Regarding forgetting you - Do you forget people who pass through your life and make a mark? Even when I have been the person to do the dumping, for whatever reason - Of COURSE I have thought about that person. It may not be in the way that they hoped, but we were close at one time and no one just forgets that.

 

Not replying isn't stupid, it's smart. This man has genuine emotional problems, and no amount of therapy is going to help him until he's ready to receive it. If he's dissatisfied with his current therapist, he needs to make the choice to find another...Not anyone else. Also, I ask you this - If you have to talk someone into having a relationship with you, talk them out of their choices...No matter the circumstance...Is it TRULY one worth having?

[lavenderdove]

Why, I am stunned into today's world that any psychiatrist would say meds are for lazy doctors! Was this a really old doctor out of touch with modern medicine and research.

 

Talk therapy can be very efficient for certain problems like relationship issues or learning new skills at being happier, but true depression is biochemical and is usually only fixed by medications and time for them to work, or a LONG time being depressed and waiting for the biochemistry to right itself again, only to return yet again later. So he needs to be seen by a modern doctor educated in more recent methods than Freudian theory. Freud has a very important historical value, but his methods and theories have been proven to be outmoded in so many ways and not effective in treating people with biochemical issues. Freudian analysis can appeal to people who are obsessed introverts because you spend DECADES in therapy obsessing about the past and yourself rather than learning to live in the present. And it makes doctors rich because their patients never leave therapy or don't until a decade or more has passed.

 

But your friend is right.. if he isn't interested in you and isn't interested in medication, he most likely will stay in this depressed state for a long time and perhaps forever cycling in and out of depression. He needs to help himself, and you can't fix that... It is sad to say, but if he does make a suicide attempt, perhaps he will get hospitalized somewhere with a decent doctor who diagnoses him correctly and get him proper (and modern) treatment.

[elephants]

Hi guys, thanks so much for replying. I appreciate your insight, but I am too confused to make sense of anything right now. I know there is no 100% surefire way to get him to come back to me, but I want to have a "game plan" that will allow me the best chance possible.

 

I'm on Day 22 of no contact. He hasn't tried to contact me in any way since that day he texted and I ignored him. I've heard from a mutual friend that my ex has agreed to try out a new doctor, but I don't know when he plans to go. As for myself, I've been going through cycles of misery, hopelessness, panic, hopefulness, and calm. I've been trying to distract myself, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Every once in a while, I feel a very strong urge to go to him.

 

What should I do? Please keep in mind that I want to be in the best possible position to win him back. Is it better to keep no contact? Or after some time should I re-open the lines of communication, and if so, how?

 

And another question, are his feelings on "pause" while he's in his depressive episode? Meaning, once he's better, if the feelings are there, he'll feel them again? Or is the depression killing the feelings totally?

 

Thank you!