Need objective view

[RabidTiger]

I need some objective advice as I am a little confused right now.

 

My ex-gf of 5.5 years broke up with me 2 months ago. The gyst of the reason was she was dating me since she was 15 and wanted to be single, and basically got scared of being committed for so long and that I was her one and only bf. Understandable since she started dating me at such a young age. She isn't closed to the idea of getting back to together...by her saying "if it is meant to work, then things will end up working out in the end."

 

I've basically kept NC going pretty well doing my own thing for the past 2 months. It hasn't been complete NC, but it's pretty close. We have some club meetings that meet about twice a month, that make seeing her unavoidable. She has for the most part respected my wishes for NC only calling me a couple of times to check up on me because my mom was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after we broke up (not a fun time)

 

We've hung out together 3-times on our own free-will. Once for my birthday (also 3 weeks after we broke up), twice going out for coffee. The 2nd time being a good outing and she told me she enjoyed quite a bit (2 weeks ago).

 

Anyways....this past Friday, we had a business club meeting with a bunch of people and she was there. We had light conversation. Then we were sitting next to each other in a group listening to another guy talk about his long-term relationship...basically saying he's not ready for the next step, and I could tell she saw paralells in what he was saying relative to our situation. I think she noticed I zoned out, and asked if I was upset. I played it off, and she asked me if I wanted to get together later on in the night and talk about it. I declined because I wanted to stay strong, and I had made plans to meet my friends (I didn't tell her this part).

 

On Sunday, she called "just to see what I was up to." The first time she had called me for non-"business" reasons in the 2 months we've been broken up. I found this call interesting since we had just seen each other just 2 days before and a light talk about what was going on. I've been good about not calling her to see "what's up" only emailing her once.

 

At this point I am not sure what to think about how she feels. I think she still sees her decision to breaking up as a good one, but not 100% sure. There are other things she does that seem curious to me. Before she never ever signed on to AIM, but she started doing that and leaving away messages. It just seems like she's doing that to get me to notice her or IM her (which I haven't). Also, during football games she notices where I am in the stadium or notice that I didn't go to the game. After the first game of the season, she went out of her way to find me to talk to me, and lost track of her friends. The student section at our university is 20,000 people big.

 

I was wondering is she actually missing me and having doubts about her decision? More likely missing me as just a friend? I am not sure. I know it is human nature to perceive things the way you want it to be and that's why I am asking for an objective view.

 

I guess it's obvious I should continue NC as I still have these hopeful thoughts of us getting back together. I hate these parts of the relationship, it just seems like one big game right now.

[ladyluck]

sorry to say but there is always the possibility she wants to keep it as a plotonic relationship, ya know strictly friends. Keep hope alive. from the sound of it, she more than likely still has feelings for you. five and a half years of loveing someone is never able to be erased on a whim. her decision may even have been based on the fact that she set her self to a single direction at such a young age and never really opened herself to the other options that await her. she is young and is curious about where life is takeing her, where she belongs, who she is. I wouldn't be surprised that, even though she made the decision, she might be in just as much pain as you are. [/u][/url]

[clodhopper]

i agree with ladyluck - i wouldn't be surprised either if she is in a lot of pain over this breakup. i know this isnt quite the same thing cuz it wasnt as long, but my boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, after being together for 8 months. he emails me from his work during the day and sometimes i start wondering if he is missing me and is thinking twice about the decision he has made. but a lot of my friends have told me that he's probably missing me as a friend and missing having me there, and although HE was the one to make the decision to break it off, it's causing him some pain too because you don't just forget all those memories you had, even if you're choosing to move on.

 

i hope this helps, feel free to pm me

[sonjam]

RabidTiger , remember, 5.5 years is a very long time to be with somoene when you are only 15. She had a lot of security with you, and your relationship.

 

I agree with your breakup, to give her the oportunity to see what the rest of the world has to offer, and if it is meant to be, return to you a better and wiser person. If this does not happen, and you continue with your relationship, eventually get married etc. chances are good one day you will get a lot of resentment over wasted years, if things don't work out.

 

There is Phases everone has to go through in their lives, and this is called her freedom years.

 

The reason I think she is still sort of hanging on, is becouse having been in a relationship (really since she can remember), and now being single all of a sudden can sort of take you off balance a bit. She will be missing the security of it, and of course she will miss you too, and 2 months is definitely not long enough already for her to have found her feet.

 

Give the girl room to breathe, it sounds like you do still see her alot, and don't try and patch the relationship up just yet. You will see, she will easily come running back at the first sign of hurt or rejection, because she had security in your relationship against that (security is big in the female world), but this she also has to go through and deal with, to grow.

 

You have to be the bigger, and mature person here, and realise what she is going through, but don't sit in the sidelines waiting, carry on with your life, meet new people, and go do different things, go to places you never went with as a couple and broaden your horisons.

 

Good luck!

[jch4711]

i am going through an almost exact same situation except my gf and I werer only together 1 yr 7 mo. The last 9 months of it were long distance and that really wore on her and started giving her doubts about what she wanted in life.

 

Everything you guys said about wanting to explore or find herself are exactly true here as well. The hard part for me in particular is just letting go completely even though I fear she is my ONE. I have never been closer with anyone before.

 

I have tried NC, but she still IM's me every so often recently. It's only been 3 weeks. She's going through a real stressful time right now and is at another crossroad in her life with her job. She IM's and calls me for advice. Then tells me "She really misses talking to me as a friend." What the heck am I supposed to think of that? Has she already forgotten or doesn't miss me as her bf and only thinks of me as a future friend?

 

Perhaps i'm looking to much into it, but I know the distance factor was really tough on her, but it was only supposed to be for 3 years. Perhaps when she thinks of me as the bf, she can only remember the pain it caused her that I wasn't around and so the only good things she misses are how we were each others best friend as well during our time together.

 

thoughts?

[RabidTiger]

Actually i've done a pretty good job of not seeing her. I've been keeping NC on my part and just when I get down and feel like breaking and calling...she happens to call.

 

Well...this past Tuesday, she called and asked me out to dinner and I agreed having not seen or talked to her since the call I was talking about in the above post. (A little over a week). Dinner was good, and was getting ready to drop her off at the sorority house, but she didn't seem to want to get out of the car and we talked for about 10-15 minutes.

 

We ended up kissing, and after we kissed she started crying. She suggested we go back to my apartment to talk about our relationship so that we could be more private. I talked first about what went wrong in the relationship and she smiled and said "good answer." She then went on to say that she still wanted to be single, and that both of us seem to have done a lot of growing while we've been away from each other.

 

After that, she started getting intimate with me and spent the night (both of us don't believe in pre-martial sex). For the rest of the night...we act like we never broke up.

 

Anyways....I just got another call from her today (I didn't pick up and let it go to voicemail). She wanted to see what I was doing tonight.

 

I am so confused as to what she is feeling about me. I mean...after we kissed the first time, she's crying and wants to talk about the relationship....and then when we talk...she still feels that being single is a good thing.

 

Is she stringing me along needing the occasional intimate session? But why would she want to talk about the relationship. Even she asked "what our status was." Should I keep giving in to meeting her up....or should I hold back a little and leave her wanting more?

 

So confused right now.

[cmacey]

dude, she may just be stringing you along. She's probably scared of being single and just wants to keep you there while she's single so that she knows if it doesn't work out she can always come back. By being intimate with you and getting you to agree that you still want her back, she has you in her back pocket while she looks for something better. If she wants to be single, let her be single. If she really loves you, she'll come back. She probably just needs to find herself, and be free for a while, my ex is doing the same crap right now. Don't be there for her as a backup plan. Be happy, be confient, agree when she says being single is good, and then be gone so she doesn't feel so safe anymore.

 

Chris

[ladyluck]

sorry to say but i think cmacey is right. My dad and my mom are going through close to the same thing. except my mom cheated on my dad and if it doesn't work bet. her and her boyfriend she tries to keep it intimate with my dad so she has a "fall back plan" your ex is more than likely making you a side-bar boyfriend so that she has someone there to break her fall. be friends but not friends with "benifits" that's just asking for trouble!!!! Let her go far away from you for a while so she can see what exactly she just lost out on. "you don't know what you have until it's gone"