We are moving, but I feel that his dad will make him choose!!!

[emirii_pooru]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. I am 24 and he is 29. We have lived together for about 10 months. Since our 1st year was spent in a long distant relationship. He just got a new job in Wisconsin, but we live in South Dakota. We got a apartment together and have been doing good. Beside me having a crappy job, but still able to help with bills and rent. We are going to be moving in about a month, but I feel it will be him and not me. I feel that I will end up going back home to Texas. Which he has stated that he does not want me doing. The only problem we have is that his father is going to help him move, which is okay. Yet, when I moved to South Dakota to be with him I did everything myself. Gas, lodging, and food. My family did not help me, but now that we are moving, the jobs I have had since being with him had not yielded a great income. I am trying to do everything on my own, not cause I don't want my family's help, but because the only people helping me are my grandparents, since my own father does not have the finances to be able to. I hate asking my grandmother for money, since they are retired and only live on social security. They had put a account for me and my sister to use, if we needed the money, but it is running low and I am afraid to even ask about it, so I am just not going to ask...( this account was set aside for school and other things, grandfather was a banker)...

 

Now back to the problem at hand. His father started telling him that he does not want me living with him any more and wants us to get our own place. Which I can understand, but the problem I am getting is that I can not even stay with him till I am able to find a place of my own or a job, so we can still be in the same town. I even asked him about moving my stuff along with him which is 1 bed and 1 dresser and some boxes. The only furniture I do have. Which to move all his stuff would need a moving van which has everything for a furnished apartment. I told him he has more stuff then me and if I had to I could leave the bed and buy a new one later. I would only have to move the boxes, which I think would not take up that much room on the van since when we loaded my car with boxes it did take a lot. The problem his dad has is his son using the credit card he gave him on me. Which his father did state to use on groceries, gas and some food. Which my boyfriend does use his own money for this, but also would spend some money on me, cause he did not want to be a snob he wanted to take care of me like a man should be doing. We do split food bills if my income allowed it, but if he had to use his card we would buy enough food for 1 month, which was stuff I used when I lived on $20 a week for food. Mainly so his father would not complain about hims using it so much.

 

It bothers me a lot cause I love my boyfriend and he does as well. He has been sticking up for me and the both of us to his father. Yet, I have told him that his dad does not care anything about our relationship. Mainly cause if he did he would not force me to almost be homeless or go home and never see his son again. My boyfriend knows if this happened he would let me stay with him regardless of what his father says, but knows if I go back to Texas it would be the end of the relationship and forgiving his father would be hard to do. His father says he does not want him to be alone, but his father is making him choose his happiness. So he can either please his father, but also to keep loving me and being with him. He knows he is not getting any younger and is almost 30 years old.

 

I just don't want to argue anymore cause I am so upset and hurt with everything going on. I don't want this relationship to end, but if I have to end it because of his father I will and will make him live with his fathers decision for the rest of life. I feel his dad is making him choose him over me. Yet, my boyfriend wants to be with me and is fighting his father every step of the way. He does not want to lose me in the process, but I feel he will cause his father has ruled his life. Even though he says he does not. I do not want to alienate him from his father, but I have told him that no 30 year old would let there parents do what his are trying to do. I told him that if he keeps going down this road with his father he may not let him marry till he is 35 or financially stable which could take years and miss out what he wanted in life. Which my boyfriend knows he wants to be married before that and have kids before that age. My own father said if a generation waited to have kids when financially stable it would wipe a whole generation, which would.

 

Telling him his parents are choosing his life for him is never going to make him happy. I even told him that they do not believe in him, if they did they would allow a 30 year old man to live his life according to what makes him happy. I had seen this with my own father, who had almost the same over bearing dad. Yet now my dad is happy even though he forgave his father for doing what he did, mainly after my mother passed away when I was 14. It hit my grandfather hard when she passed, he never knew how much love he had for her till she was gone. She left him 2 granddaughters that he made sure to never not feel unloved nor let any unliinking he had for our mother ever show. He made it up by never saying a bad thing about her every again.

 

My boyfriends father has had control of his life and he is starting to see it, but I feel I will still lose him and we have been together for 2 years, which if his dad controls his life choices like marriage and kids. My boyfriend feels it will take him longer to get married cause building a 2year relationship took work, even when our 1st year was long distant.

 

I just feel like I don't know what to do, I just need to know what would be best for our relationship or either of us. I am not trying to make him choose his parents over me, but I will agree with you on saying that if a 30 year old main does not have the balls to stand up to his parents why even be with him. I am with him, cause I guess I am the only thing his parents know that make him happy and someone he truly loves and cares about....

 

So tell me what you think???

[Ally1023]

I don't understand. You are living together and he's decided to move to another state, right? Well now is your chance to change and to start again. Find a new job in the new state that will allow you to have a steady income and therefore won't need anymore financial 'help' from your boyfriend. From then on, I guess everything will be fine.

[pippy longstocking]

I found that a bit confusing tbh

 

so your both moving in a month ..but his dad is helping you both to move , but will only take his stuff ?? is that right

but are you not both moving together to a place to live together ..? so why have you nowhere to live ?

 

but the rest of it well what can you do until he grows a pair ...

[emirii_pooru]

If you read his dad does not want to move any of my stuff, mainly cause it is not there responsibility. It is my family's which is just messed up. I do look at this move a opportunity to find a better job and start over, but his dad is not looking at it that way. His dad says that he is giving me a opportunity to use his son, which I am not. I had a great job before moving up to South Dakota to be with his son. One that paid about 1,200 a month one I could live on my own with. I moved up here to be with him. Now that he has a new job in a another state. It seems it father is making him look at his son and not us as a couple. Cause I have told him if his father forces me to move back to Texas, the relationship will be over and no more. Mainly cause his father made him choose him over the person he loved and wanted to be with. I know that sounds like a bad thing to do, but I feel if he wants this relationship I am giving him a ultimatum about it. Either help me out by letting me stay with you till I am on my feet and I will move out or I will end this relationship by moving back home after scraficing on my part to be with you and cutting all contact which you don't want. Is it worng to make him do that. Even though his is almost 30 years old. I just don't know what to do..

[RoxyGril]

I think its not his father's decision if the both of you live together. Your bf and you are old enough to make your own decisions. So, you and your bf need to sit down and make a decision on the living situation. His dad shouldn't be so involved in his 30 yr old son's romantic relationship.

[emirii_pooru]

I agree with what you are saying, we have sat down and talk about it. I told him that this is our relationship. Not his fathers. To me it seems he is just listing to his dad and trying to please him. I told him how I felt and I feel he does not fully understand what it is doing to me. I have told him that every word that comes out of his mouth sounds like his father talking, mainly cause of things his father said about us moving.

 

I told him that no 30 year old man allows his father to run there life like that. I can understand my step brothers situation. He has suffered 2 Tarmac brain injures that have affected his judgement sometimes. He is a good brother to me and I hope and pray he finds someone that makes him happy. I told my boyfriend that if he continued to let his dad not let him learn like a adult he would end up like my step brother who is 34 and not married and has to live at home till he can prove to be able to do things on his own. Which has taken about 5 years to do.

 

I have even told him that his father allows him to use him. Cause of a credit card that his father gave him. His dad is basically giving him the chance to use his father and abuse what it was given for. He uses it for gas, food, and groceries. Which he does use it on, but uses to much as a debit card and I don't think sees what it is really for. I have my first credit card and have barely used it. Just for gas and spent a bit to get me by till pay day. Which I plan to put aside half of what I spent on with it to pay it off. He wants to budget his money, yet told him that if he lives alone his dad would still be taking care of him and getting married to him would take maybe another 2 years till it happens. Which I understand people are getting married older and having kids later. Yet, with me due to medical problems, if I wait till I am 30 the chances of me getting pregnant and having kids get slimmer and slimmer, which I know I could adopt.

 

Now if he has a $650 in rent, $250 in a car payment for a new car he just got, 150-200 in bills and about 200 a month for groceries. Give or take on some expensies. He would be paying about $1,300-1,500 a month. Which if we did live together and have him not use his dad for help and be a adult. It would be cut in half. Which the apartment we are in now with bills and all expenses around 1,400 or so. Which he only pays $830 a month or so.

 

Which he has more to save.mi told him he needs to speak to his father that not having us live together would put him more in a bind then living on his own. If we are trying to establish a life of our own.

 

All I want to know is should I continue to keep telling him how I feel to make his dad give in or make him learn the hard way of listening to his father and living a spoiled life and never being a adult...

 

Am I the one who really sees where this is going?????