How do you work on yourself

[Silencer]

I made a couple of posts in the "Getting your ex back" forum, and on retrospect they belong here. I'll c&p them for the sake of completeness so anyone offering advice knows the situation... but I was just wondering, how do you work on yourself in order to heal after a break-up? I know some things that I did wrong in the relationship, and I know somethings wrong with me, but just how do you self-improve so you don't make those mistakes again?

 

------------------POST 1------------------

 

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I've been pretty torn up by it. It's hard to get a handle on my own life and be happy because I've been plagued by thoughts of her and wanting to be with her again.

 

I want to be happy though, I don't want to be this miserable thing that just goes from day to day waiting. I want to have a good time, to be confident in myself and to move along. I don't want to wait for her (especially as it's unrealistic we'll get back together).

 

But things happen. We had an argument a month or so ago and I said some harsh things, and I never thought I'd hear from her again. Recently I went out to a club with some friends and 'cause my mate is going out with one of her friends, she was getting a lift in the car with us. Most of the night she just ignored me and I ignored her. But before we got in the car for the journey back we talked a bit, it was raining and she was holding a coat over her head, she kept trying to get me to stand under it.

 

In the car we had another argument because she was sniping at me, and we both said some harsh things to each other. After that she tried talking to me, asking me questions about stuff in general. I ask her what she's been up to and one of the three things she recalled was the computing course she did, and made a point of saying how she saw me there (I was doing a course at the same place). Then she starts leaning on me slightly, I move my arm because it made me feel uncomfortable, and she made some jilted remark about it. The she decides she wants to use my shoulder to rest her head on.

 

The thing is I've been wondering for two weeks whether I missed a chance and whether any of those were signals. I've been wondering if she wants me back or she's just being slightly insensitive in her behaviour by not recognising what should be clearly established boundaries (she's never been one to really think through what she does or says, so I know she is capable of insensitivity).

 

But the last day or two I've realised that I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't be waiting for her like I am and analysing everything she said and did. I should just be getting on with life and making myself happy. So yes, we should be enjoying ourselves for our own benefit, not just to make someone think we're doing fine. I want to be at that point, I'm not yet, but I am working on me now rather than just waiting.

 

------------------POST 2------------------

 

I'd be more than happy to get to NC and to some extent I've had that since. As I said one of my friends (Let's say B) is going out with one of her friends (Let's say C). Now I like C, she's a nice person and we get along fine so I see no reason why I should avoid her as well and I don't want to make things awkward for B or C.

 

I was down the pub a week after the incident I described, with another friend (Let's say J), B couldn't come out because he was ill. However C turned up with a couple of her friends and sat with us. I had no idea the ex was going to show up because C said nothing to me about it, if she had I would have left beforehand. When she did turn up it just came down to us ignoring each other.

 

Y'see, I'm all for no contact, but I'm not going to forsake my social life to avoid her. I mean, why should I? For me that's denying myself my happiness because of her, and I'm not going to let that happen. The only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment is going out with my friends, every night at home in the week bores me senseless.

 

The only other problem is that sometimes I talk to C about the ex, and I get the impression whatever I say is reported back to the ex to some degree. When we had the argument the ex said some things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. I've decided to cut that.

 

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EDIT: (Additional)

 

I've had an hour or so to think things through to myself, with more of a level-headed approach than usual. I honestly believe she doesn't want me back, she was slightly drunk when we had that argument, and the things she said and did were most likely just the result of her naïveté and insensitivity. I've also said some things to her that I wouldn't expect her to forgive me for. I could delude myself that her actions were some sign that she missed me and wanted me back, but ultimately I know her better than that.

 

She broke up with me once before for three weeks, because I visited her at uni and was kind of off-ish (I felt uncomfortable because I didn't have anything familiar apart from her around). But a few weeks later she came to visit me under the guise of bringing a CDr she made, we went out to a club had a few drinks and she started getting touchy-feely with me and we ended up kissing... and got back together. And it's mostly because of that that I've been fooling myself. I know that if she did want to get back with me she wouldn't come out and say it because that's not how she does things, she'd do something physical, so I've been grasping at the straws presented by her. Things like her leaning on me/using my shoulder to rest her head on, when I was talking to a friend and noticed her in the background staring at me over his shoulder.

 

I just feel a bit miffed. It's not like her to cross a boundary like she did, after the break up. We stayed friends at first, but I made the mistake of admitting how I felt after we met up in town. After that she's been very NC in her behaviour and quite strict in it, although I worked in the same place as her for two weeks and we had a couple of conversations (a couple of frosty ones, one which led to an argument, and one which was really really pleasant). But like I said, it's probably just the drink that made her act that way and lower her inhibitions. She's also never been one to apologise properly, she sort of gets all pally and gets close to make up for the things she does wrong (one of the things in the relationship that really got to me a couple of times).

 

Anyway. Now I just need to get on with me and me alone. I won't deny it's going to be hard, but that's just the reality of the situation. Sorry to have ranted so much, at such a great length, but it's been good to get it off my chest. Or shoulder.

[caveat]

how do you self-improve so you don't make those mistakes again?

 

Thats a tough question best left to a professional (so be sure to take any black and white anwers you may receive in this forum with a large grain of salt), but I have some thoughts/opinions on that topic that I'm happy to share. Bear in mind that this is just my take on things and is largely how I've been trying to improve myself over the past 7 months.

 

First, I think self-improvement is largely a matter of identifying where any mistakes or shortfalls are or were. Second, is attributing responsibility appropriately (i.e. don't take responsibility for mistakes that were solely caused by another). Third, putting a plan in place to 'fix' anything that is deficient or broken. Fourth, execute against that plan.

 

And give yourself plenty of time to do all this...don't rush anything.

 

Sound simple? Far from it!

 

Good luck...

 

Caveat

[lost_puppy]

Silencer, what NC means to me is to completely cut that person out of your life. Unfortunately, sometimes this involves losing contact with other people who you care about (in my last breakup, I didn't communicate with 2 cousins and my aunt and uncle for a year and a half!) Hopefully, once the dust has settled and you and your ex are healed, you'll be able to renew all the friendships you've had to put on hold.

 

Also, I'm sure if you hang out with "C", it'll remind you of your ex, which is not ideal if you're trying to put her out of your mind and move on.

 

My two cents (pence?)

 

LP

[Silencer]

That's fair enough, but I see no reason why I should cut my best friends out of my life for any period of time. I've got 3 good friends around this town. One is going back to uni next week so I will not see him around til xmas. One is so screwed up on drugs that we never see him anymore anyway. The other is going out with my ex's friend. That's my social life right there. Unfortunately, if I cut my friend out who is going out with C, that's it, I have no social life. I don't make friends easily so this is not something I can just do.

 

I can't stand being stuck at home every night, really. I have nothing to do and I feel like I'm wasting my life, it's partly because I've got a high motivation for work left over from uni, and I miss the fun times I had then. It's bad enough that this is a deadbeat town with absolutely zero opportunities for fun anyway (Let's go to the same pub every weekend...). I've considered not going out for a while, just keeping to myself and all, but I don't think it's realistic, it'll do me more harm than good.

 

I can see where you're coming from, and to a degree I agree with you. But it's not feasible. I don't always bump into the ex because of this situation. For me it's just something I have to deal with in the event. It's been a couple of weeks since I last saw her and I don't feel so bad about things. I'd like to avoid her and any reminder of her for a while, but how likely that is I don't know.

 

We'll see.

[lost_puppy]

I understand. And it's definitely much better to go out and socialize than to stay at home and mope. So do it! Personally, I'm always kind of paranoid about bumping into my ex so I do things to avoid it, but that's not all too healthy either.

[Silencer]

What do you do when you really want to break the NC, when you know you shouldn't?

 

The same happened to me last Sunday, I was really bored and it made me think about things with her and I really wanted to contact her. It's happening now and I want to avoid it.

[DragonGirl724]

silencer, go for a run. exorcise rids your mind of a lot of the agony caused by stess, its a natural high & not only does it make u more physically healthier it also mentally & emotionally makes you feel & look better. so grab your iPod & run...run as far as your legs can take you. i did that, i used to run 6 miles 3 times a week when my ex first broke up with me. i should go running again...it really helps.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

not to mention, exorcise is a great way to better yourself as a person. itll make you more confident, itll make you more physically fit, it'll boost your ego, & it sets new goals for yourself everytime you put on ur running shoes or hit the gym. go that extra mile, you'll feel a lot better, & its also a lot of fun.

 

take care, best of luck.

 

-DG724

[Silencer]

Ever since I broke up with the ex I've been doing bits and bobs by way of exercise, I've got some weights that I spend some time lifting every evening. I bought some trainers so I could start jogging, but I'm too damn lazy for that, I went out once and almost coughed myself to death afterwards. Heh.

 

I may give it another shot sometime soon.

[DragonGirl724]

lol. well how about pickin up a new hobby...painting is a great form of self expression & relaxation & stress relief...or learning an instrument which is mentally challenging & fun as well, or maybe even donating your time to help sick children, or reading at a foster hime, or old age residence...itll boost your spirit in ways youve never imagined.

 

-DG724

[fantasia2004]

First of all forgive yourself from the pain.

Stop competing with the ex and enjoy life again. Which means stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and have some fun!

[Silencer]

Who's feeling sorry for themself? At the moment, apart from the difficulty with my friends I couldn't be more at ease with things. I'm not competing with her in anyway.

 

My problem is I want to make myself a better person, I want to stop being so down on myself and build some self-confidence. I'm exercising a lot of self-control to keep her out of my life and it's started working so I can handle that. I just really want to work on me.