Am I a lesbian??

[dizzymeg]

Ok, this may be a long one so bear with me please. Btw, I'm Megan, I'm 23 years old, and I really, love, commas,,,

 

Anyway Hmm, where to start... well, i guess I will start off by saying i was

recently engaged...for about 2 weeks. I broke it off about a month

ago. I told him I was questioning my sexuality and I needed to step

back for a while. I'll try to shorten the story for you.

 

I had been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years before he asked me to

marry him. He was my first real, serious relationship. I had had some

relationships in high school and middle school but they were all kind

of a joke. They would end as soon as they got physical, in the least

bit. I was single about 70% of the time though. I knew there were guys

who had crushes on me and they were cute and all, but I just wasn't

interested. I had one halfway serious relationship over the phone

(stupid, I know), he lived 2 states away...so he couldn't touch me,

brilliant! But it didn't last. Furthermore, I had crushes on girls. I

thought nobody knew. I was actually kind of disgusted with myself and

thereforeeee tried to hide it and ignore it. I couldn't stop looking though.

I found if I went to football games I watched the cheerleaders more

than the game. I loved gym class! All those short shorts...

 

When I got to college: same thing. I would date like crazy but drop

them like dead frogs even though they were cute, smart, wonderful guys

(I've been told I have great taste). I find guys attractive I just

can't keep the sexual interest most times, I end up becoming a "great

friend", as in they still like me but I don't like them "like that".

Then I met "Tom". Over the internet actually...link removed, when

the dating part used to be free. We talked over the summer between

sophomore and junior year so we had a good 3 months behind us before

we actually met in person. We fell in love almost instantly. But

then...same thing. I didn't drop him though. I love him! But he said

more than once "You're just like my best friend, a best friend who I

can have sex with.". He was trying to be funny and sweet, I know, but

it was very ironic at the same time. Well, I hate to admit it but after awhile it's gotten weird. I mean, I love him, I know it, but cuddling with him, and whenever he touches me flirtily, part of me protests. I knew which part it was and I told that part to stuff it. This was my soulmate. I was going to marry him and get the girls out of my head. We were the picture of a cute couple. We were madly in love. Our parents heartily approved. They knew when he was gonna ask. (he even asked my parents for permission). Thats why I said yes. We went to Tybee Island for the weekend and everybody knew that was THE weekend! When we got back, we would either be planning a wedding or broken up and teary eyed. He was so excited, I could tell. I think he thought I didn't know he had already bought the ring and had it on him, in his right cargo pants pocket. It was the body language that told me. I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't want to disappoint everyone, so I said yes, ok??

 

About 4 months prior to this I had confessed to him that I was attracted to women. I had a crush on a girl at work actually, we'll call her Jane. And Jane was a lesbian. And she might like me too. I thought he would be angry but he wasn't. He said I should expirament. So I told her about my crush. But she wasn't too keen on me having a boyfriend. Still we talked on the phone and at work when we saw eachother. I don't think I've ever been so nervous as I am around her. She's so flirty and I love it!!

I was daydreaming about her 24/7. Fantasizing at night, and I've never been so wet.

 

I told Tom I was questioning more and more and becoming more and more curious. I had never been with a woman but the attraction was always there. I wanted to expirament but I didn't feel like I could cheat on him like that, I didn't want it to be a "couple's" thing, and I didn't want to use Jane like that. It was unfair.

 

I was in such a fog. I loved him so much but yet I wanted Jane too and I think I started to fall in love with her at some point down the line.

 

He knew about all this and still asked me to marry him. And I still said yes. But at that point when you are supposed to be jumping around and crying, I was cringing, actually cringing. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew it wasn't right...at least not now.

 

So two weeks later I told him I need to step back. I need to give the ring back because at this point it's more of a burden than a joy. And thats not right, for either of us. We went back to boyfriend/girlfriend, and then to semi-gf/bf, and now we are off as lovers. We still talk on the phone everyday (he graduated and live 1 1/2 hrs away) and he comes to see me at least once a month. I love to see him. I love hanging out with him. Last weekend we actually had sex but I couldn't climax...until I thought of Jane then it was like BOOM! I guess it's kindof wrong but I used it as a test. The straight test. And i failed. Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood? But then in the past, it's been the same thing.

 

Jane however has since stopped talking to me since I dropped the ring and the boyfriend. She sounded dissappointed when I told her I had gotten engaged. Maybe she just didn't want to be mixed up in all of the confusion.

 

My point is I talk to Tom everyday and I can't imagine my life without him. But then sexually I want something else...I think. Am I making a mistake? What if I try it and hate it, and lose Tom anyway. He says he'll be waiting for me until I tell him I'm sure I'm gay. (See, at first I was calling myself bisexual, but now I'm even questioning that). But if I'm gay, how come it's just now coming up?

 

Oh, btw, I told my parents I was questioning my sexuality and that is why I broke off the engagement. I told them I 'might' be bisexual. Well, now my mother refuses to talk to me. At all. My dad writes me emails, but never refers to the issue at hand and he won't call either.

 

So what if I'm wrong and my parents are gone too. I feel very lonely. People keep asking why I broke off my engagement and I just don't want to tell them the whole friggin story so I say I wasn't ready (which is true, just missing some key components). What should I do? Go back to Tom and be safe, or try and expirament with women? I can't stop thinking about Jane...

 

Thoughts? comments? Insight? Please, all would be appreciated.

[justtwicethen]

Personally, I think you should become a lesbian pornstar.

 

Marriage is forever. So don't make that mistake because you are clearly not ready.

[behind_these_eyes]

haha riiight justtwicethen...anyways I think you shouldn't do anything. You're obviously pretty confused and no one can make rational decisions when they're confused. I say you wait it out. After a while, if you start really missing this guy and you're attracted to him, go back see how that works out. Sometimes people are really confused and they just need to get it out of their systems before they see things clearly. It sounds weird, but you might not even like girls after you do something about it by acting on it.

[brian_catlett]

I agree with the last person that "Marriage is forever." But I hope being a "lesbian pornstar" is not an answer you are considering. "Experimeting with woman" is also not a very safe alternative. Not knowing Tom, I do not know if you should go back to him. I think you should take time away from any serious relationships with guys/girls until you know what you want. Pray and ask God for help, since he has all the answers and will help you with anything you need.

[Cadence308]

Wow girl, I have to say that your story really touched me! I have to hand it to you for being honest with everyone. Tom sounds like a great guy, the way he is always there for you, but I think his being whipped could hurt a nice guy in the end. I think you need to follow your heart and if you marry Tom you will end up regretting it, possibly having kids, and maybe leaving Tom for another woman 10 yrs down the road. I think you are doing the right thing and stopping the wedding plans and being honest with everyone involved. Your parents are hurt because they love Tom, but they aren't looking at the big picture. The big picture is what you want and what you need. You were about to fulfill their picture perfect family with the wedding, family, etc. and now you are saying, "Wait, I'm not sure about this," and pausing the whole thing.

 

I think you are doing the right thing and experimenting because that is what your heart is telling you to do, but I wouldn't make Tom sit around and wait because it sounds like he may get his heart broken. Maybe keep it as friends with Tom because it really sounds like you like women.

[sonjam]

Since Tom is going to wait for you until you are sure, and he knows you might experiment, and you will probably not know until you do - go for it.

My advice, go to a club or somewhere where you know these girls go, and even if you just flirt around a bit, maybe even kiss, you will know. It wil solve a lot of issues for everyone.

[dizzymeg]

Ok i went to a club, kissed two girls, flirted like hell. I'm definitely gay. I love it though, i feel free! Like I don't have to hide my attraction to women anymore. And I got a new rainbow necklace. Thank you guys for your support!

[sonjam]

You go girl! Im very happy for you to finally be able to live your life, the way you want it.

 

I hope you find joy and happiness.

 

[gillakin]

Hey Dizzymeg

 

I was going to write something about myself that could be of some help, but I just saw that you have been handling your issue pretty well and that you have come to a conclusion.

 

Just like you, in my early twenties, I was engaged to a guy who wanted to marry me. He was a nice guy and my parents enjoyed him a lot. They were expecting me to marry him and have a "normal" family life.

 

Since I looked pretty normal for a girl, my parents never suspected that I had been having crushes on girls since I was very young.

 

For many years, I tried to live according to what was expected from a "normal" girl. However, deep down inside I was feeling very unhappy.

 

Many times I felt like ventilating my feelings, but I was afraid I would be treated as a freak. I felt too vulnerable to expose myself to other's prejudices.

 

Although this was giving me much distress, it was easier to deceive myself by thinking I could overcome my feelings for girls once I married this boyfriend.

 

There was also something else that made me feel uncomfortable with living a fake hetero life. Although I have always enjoyed sex, I was never looking forward to have sex with my boyfriend. I actually found ways to avoid doing with him. It happened too often to be turned on by watching women kissing and, eventually, I imagined myself being with a woman when I was kissing my boyfriend.

 

It would have been great to have someone to talk to. I was quite lonely back then, since most people I use to know seemed to be only interested in hetero relationships and didn't show much respect or understanding toward gay relationships.

 

It took a long time, a lot of thinking and a couple of experiences with girls before I had the guts to tell my family about my sexual orientation.

 

I guess I always knew that being gay was the right thing for me. I had the confirmation of that when I first started dating women. I had never achieved such level of intimacy and pleasure with men.

 

About doing oral, well we just have to know who we are doing it with. If we love the woman we are with and she is healthy and clean, well, we shouldn't have any problems doing it. It is not poisonning... lol... In the beginning, it may feel a bit odd (like everything we try for the very first time), but in the end we get addicted to it

 

Sooo, girl, go for what feels right for you. The others will have to deal with their narrow minds and it may take some time for them to adjust to the fact that LIFE is not intended to orbit their prejudices.

 

I am gay and it feels really good to say it

[crazylady]

I am 27 years old.

I was reading dizzymeg's post...and her story seemed all to familiar to my life too. I have been married for 4 years to a wonderful guy...but throughout the marriage I have also had much angst over my attraction to women. I can remember my first feelings of attraction to a woman when I was very little, under age 10 I guess. There were various movies with women that would get me aroused, and not so with men. Nevertheless, I was raised in a very Catholic household with two loving parents and younger siblings. I had a same-sex encounter as a young girl, 4th grade or so, that I initiated and later felt ashamed about. Ever since then, I wondered if I was really, truly attracted to girls. I would get this adrenaline rush when I saw two girls or guys kissing, and wondered why it affected me so much. I tried not to think about this, but sometimes i caused me anxiety because i think i was starting to figure out who I was. Anyway, I went through high school and did not date. I had a summer boyfriend that i was crazy about, but it was a summer fling. I had a crush on a guy in high school, but nothing ever happened. College came, and almost immediately i hooked up with a guy. We dated for two years, i thought it would come to marriage, but he was too self-centered.

 

Then I met my guy Z. We started off as friends, but then started seeing each other exclusively. We got serious, too soon, and he was my first. Even 4 months into the relationship, i was reminded of my attraction to other girls. I tried to put those thoughts away. Z and I were inseparable and after 2 years he proposed. We married one year later. It's been 4 years since then and I think i'm going crazy. There is probably not one week that has gone by since we married that I haven't thought about my attraction to women. I am more sexually aroused by them than men, and I also enjoy sex with Z, but it seems harder for me to get excited with him. Sometimes I masturbate and orgasm faster when I fantasize about another woman in the time takes him to go to sleep, versus the agonizing time it seems to take me to get aroused when he touches me...

 

I came out to him about a year ago regarding my supposed bisexuality, and it was a rough time for us. I went into counseling, trying to calm my anxiety before i made any decisions, and i ended counseling with the hopes of sticking with the marriage. I've seen another counselor since then, with the same sexuality issues...and some days my emotions get calmed down and i think..."i can stay married, i can do this, it'll be ok." And then I see a woman and start fantasizing again and it seems to much for me to handle. I've never had an adult relationship with another woman, but sometimes I think if the opportunity came close, I would act on lust.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I divorce the man i love? I feel like staying married hampers the sexuality that I have not yet discovered. And how to tell my family and friends....How do I leave this comfortable world I know and start over? And how do I break my husband's heart. He loves me, i love him, but i'm confused. I am also afraid to hurt him more....his father just passed away, and bringing this up again would surely crush him. And what do we do with all the life/friends we have now? car, money, cherished items...each other? Thanks for reading all this, and I really need advice

[mgirl]

Hi crazylady,

 

Thank you for being so honest.

 

I was watching Oprah the other day and she had a segment about married people 'coming' out of the closet. It featured two married men coming out, and a married woman. The common theme running throughout the show was guilt that the marriage was being compromised, that they loved their partner, but that they had this irresistible attraction to the same sex, which they could not deny any further. In some of the situations, the couples even stayed married and the wife accepted this, but (i don't think) they did not continue a sexual relationship. The saddest thing for the wives of the men who outed themselves was that it was the death of a dream, the dream to be together forever sort of thing, but one wife said she was relieved to know that the reason behind their strained sex life was not her.

 

Crazylady,

 

When i was 17, i was with a guy. He was really nice and i probably would have married him if i were not gay. The whole time i was with him i knew i had strong same-sex attractions and i don't know how it eventuated, but i finally broke up with him and was able to persue my sexuality. I too cared for this guy very much. He was like my best friend, and like you, i was able to sleep with him, but always felt something was missing. The feeling i got from thinking about women was so different to how i thought about him. A few years later, when i finally kissed a girl i was attracted to, all of a sudden the puzzle was complete. It was like a bolt of lightening had hit me, i am not kidding. All those feelings and desires i had had, came into full fruition and it was like the part of me that had been in denial had become ignited, in the largest way possible. I cannot tell you how turned on i was!

 

The way that i see it is that this will plague you for the rest of your life if you don't do something about it. There are consequences for everything we do. If you turn left, there is a consequence, if you turn right there is a consequence, so i would urge you to do something about it. You say you have been married for 4 years? Well, you don't want that to be 40 and you still haven't done anything about it. I don't know if you have children, but you have to factor this in as well. Do you want to have kids and be faced with this while they are growing up? These are just things to think about. You may want to have kids, and it may turn out alright. And you never know how this may turn out. You may out yourself to him and he may find somebody who is a better fit than you. You just don't know.

 

I think i forgot to mention that on the Oprah show, there was a young female, just like you. She was about 25, married, with two children and what she described was exactly the same as what you have. Well, she decided to out herself and she is now separated from her husband, but she says she feels so relieved at her revelation. She wrote her mother a letter and her mother accepts it. In fact, her mother was on the show with her.

 

It is my opinion that these feelings you are having will never truelly go away. And i think that deep down underneath, we all know what we are. Really, we do.

 

And how to tell my family and friends....How do I leave this comfortable world I know and start over? And how do I break my husband's heart. He loves me, i love him, but i'm confused. I am also afraid to hurt him more....his father just passed away, and bringing this up again would surely crush him. And what do we do with all the life/friends we have now? car, money, cherished items...each other? Thanks for reading all this, and I really need advice

 

Given this, i think you should wait a while if you chose to say anything. It may very well be that you can stay married and live with the anxiety. I know i couldn't. And as for the adjustments, there will be changes in your life. Some friends and family will stay, and others will drop off. And you will meet new people.

 

Maybe, given the circumstances, just wait a little while longer. Now that you have raised these questions for yourself, the solution may begin to surface. I say it all begins with acknowledgement, as soon as you acknowledge something, the solution seems to present itself in various forms. It may very well eventuate that one day you will not be able to hold it in any longer and it will all come out. I think that's what happened with those people Oprah.

 

Let us know your thoughts.

[crazylady]

mgirl, thanks for your thoughts

 

I told my husband everything last night, like I knew I would eventually. I couldn't take the stress anymore. It was (and still is) very hard. He was so supportive, and held my hand while I cried. He was there with me the whole time. I know he's hurting. He and I both agree that I need to be alone for awhile. I don't know if it was clear earlier in my message, but i've never been alone, really. I had a boyfriend my first two years of college and then him. And here I am now.

 

I'm very afraid. Z and I talked about separation. Financially I don't know how we can do this. We live in a rented apt, and are paying on car loans and credit cards. It all seems so hard to think about, but every time I roll all the thoughts in my head, i realize i have to go forward with this.

 

i guess to make things more complicated, we are both in grad school full time, living on loans and stipends. i've got finals coming up, and i don't know if i can concentrate. He's got comprehensive exams around the corner, i don't know how he'll cope.

 

sometimes i still can't believe this is happening...it feels like a dream/nightmare that maybe i'll wake up from. i know i am going to need a lot of support..this may take awhile to work through...

 

thanks for your help...i'll keep you posted