Girlfriend is rude and not grown up! What does it mean?

[SoGoodImWorried]

I am getting a little worried about my relationship. My girlfriend of 4 months is telling me all sorts of things I would rather not hear about and has a strange behavior. Also, when we are discussing, she can get upset easily and starts yelling. This has the effect of stopping the discussion and nothing gets resolved.

 

Some background: we met on the internet, this is a long distance relationship. We were together for long periods of time this summer. In the last 4 months, we probably spent 25 full days together. We went on short trips, saw musicals, movies, concerts, visited each other's families and friends, ate in restaurants, had nice walks in the park, worked around the house, bicycle trips, watched videos and discussed about all sorts of things. The 300-mile distance doesn't seem to be a problem, we also talk on the phone and send email almost every day. 400 hours with her in 4 months, plus 50 hours talking on the phone, that's probably more than the average... I have feelings for her, I like her view on life, I like to spend time with her and get to learn and share what she knows about life. That's the good I'm getting out of this relationship.

 

On the other hand...

At the beginning, after a few weeks of emails, she got offended because I wrote that we were opposites because she had many relationships in the past, I had few. She then wrote that this wasn't a reason why we couldn't be together, (but I never said that there was such a reason - I was just stating an observation). Then she complained further saying that I couldn't base my theory on only a few relationships, that I would have to prove to her that what I was saying is right, etc... I never really understood why she was so upset, but I apologized and said that I didn't mean it in a bad way...

 

Another incident happened 2 months ago when she said she would go for a walk with her ex (of 15-years ago) who is still her friend. She added that she would also do her laundry at his place. I wondered what was going on and said that I didn't like the looks of it. I asked her to stop doing that. She did, saying that if the situation was reversed, she wouldn't like me do go wash my clothes at an ex's place... But later, I wanted to know how exactly she felt about him, the discussion always turned into an argument. She kept yelling "I don't have an affair with this guy, I'm not that kind of person." This argument happened several times, but nothing was ever resolved. I suggested once to invite that friend to go see a movie with us (I wanted to meet him), but she said 'no' claiming that I wasn't ready to meet him(????). I don't think they are having an affair! You're going to tell me that I don't really trust her, otherwise I wouldn't mind her ex being her friend. That may be so, but personaly I don't remain friend with an ex with whom I have been intimate.

 

Things get worse. A few days ago we were talking about sex and for some reason, she started describing in great detail the sex she had 15 years ago with that same ex boyfriend, giving me details why she didn't like it. I really didn't need to hear this much details - that really hurt me. I don't know why she told me that... And that doesn't help me to accept her friendship with her ex! Why is she so rude?

 

Other things that I find strange are that she calls many people 'stupid' because of what they do ("stupid driver", "stupid boss", etc... most of the time it is not justified). She is totally disorganized and is always late (like a kid who's late to school because she hates her 'stupid school') and makes me arrive late too. She says she will not want us to sleep in the same bed until we are married because she tosses all the time (I wouldn't mind) and because it feels as if we live together (which she doesn't want to do before getting married). But this doesn't make sense to me: she agrees to have sex before marriage, so what's the big deal? She complains about many things that I should have done ("why didn't you bring me to this place before?") and kicks me while saying that (she doesn't hit hard, but I take it as a strong sign of disapproval).

 

I have talked to her about all this, but our discussions end up with an argument! I can't even tell her my point of view - she often turns things into a joke and dismisses the whole conversation. I don't like her sense of humor when it is used to avoid resolution of an argument. It is not that I really object to these things she does (except hearing details about her ex...), but I would like her to know that I think differently without getting in an argument. She says she is trying to change, but the same things keep happening...

 

As I keep discovering more things like that about her, I'm wondering if this doesn't hide something else about her personality... That worries me - in the long run will we be able to survive a long term relationship? I feel she is pushing me to see how much I will take. (A bit like a kid would test her parents to get the most out of them...) I would like her to respect my boundaries without arguing about it. I would like her to behave like a 41-year-old adult (not like an 8-yo daughter).

 

What does this mean? Advice anyone?

[Francis]

People come from different backgrounds and thereforeeee have different standards. Now, in an era of relativity, it is difficult to know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.

 

I used to be very tolerant with people's behaviour because you can always justify their acts or omissions and attribute it to their upbringing or the psychological state. I find I was too tolerant at the time, because a number of people ended up taking advantage of me.

 

Now, thereforeeee, I have set my standards with respect to myself : I don't accept from others anythin that I would not do : for instance, I don't like being late, if people are always late, for whatever cultural, personal rebellion reasons, I won't accept it anymore.

 

If a person lies to me in a situation in which I would not lie (I find that sometimes, rarely, I needed to lie for emergency or for survival reasons) then I won't accept it .

 

In our society, there are no moral standards anymore, and thereforeeee, when I choose my friends, I expect them to share approx. the same values as myself. Otherwise, there is always going to be an unbalance in the relationship, where the person with less values will always end up winning.

 

I find it rather shocking to resort to verbal violence whenever you are trying to fix a problem. Verbal violence IS violence. You would not accept a person who hits you physically in the face to shut you down whenever you raise an issue, why would you accept someone who yells at you?

 

Verbal violence and lack of communication are very detrimental in the long run. They say that whenever a person (usually a woman) meet a violent person, then they should run as fast as they can. Why remain with a person who is verbally abusive?

 

It seems you are trying to justify everything she does : "she is like a kid" and for some personal reason you feel attracted to that : perhaps this is a pattern present in your own family? May be some introspection is required.

 

Take care!

[fantasia2004]

she is acting up that is all . set your boundaries and if it gets in the way of your relationship make it clear by telling her sink or swim.

 

I acted the same way too but it was only because I was angry all the time and I knew it was not going to get me anywhere so find out what her source of reason for behaving this way is. Her true personality will show.

[SoGoodImWorried]

It seems you are trying to justify everything she does : "she is like a kid" and for some personal reason you feel attracted to that : perhaps this is a pattern present in your own family? May be some introspection is required.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I am older than my siblings, and my friends are usually my age or up to 10 years younger. But I fail to see the pattern. Unless you mean that since I accept her childish behavior by accepting her, it means that I feel attracted to that? I am not. I really would like her to behave like an adult.

 

This morning I talked to my gf about the way we discuss. I tried to explain that I just wanted her to know what I think, not that she has to agree with me. Well it didn't go smoothly. Then she sent this email

"... It was nice to talk to you this morning - it was a pleasant way to wake up.

Even if we have a little argument, it still feels good to talk to you (especially if I think I'm winning)..."

 

She actually 'enjoys' having arguments! She sees discussions as a fight where she needs to win.

 

I was reading about 'givers' vs 'takers' in a relationship. I think I am the giver here, and she is a taker. But she expects me to be a taker too. I read in another post on eNotAlone

My advice to you is this: Takers go very well with takers... They might fight a lot, but it's basically a free for all. Givers go very well with Givers... Loving relationship, total bliss. Givers are ALWAYS going to get the short end of the stick in a relationship with Takers. That's just the way it is in my opinion.

Seems like a reasonable point of view and it's making me think...

[SoGoodImWorried]

... find out what her source of reason for behaving this way is. Her true personality will show.

Yeah, that's what I should do... You are right fantasia2004.

The way she is acting up makes her look fairly demanding, if not abusive... and she goes beyond my boundaries without respecting them very well.

[Francis]

Sorry, SoGoodImWorried,

 

I was just under the impression that you liked her to behave like a kid, my mistake.

 

I fully agree with JustAGirl20, a giver who has a relationship with a taker will ALWAYS end up with the short end of the stick.

 

This girl seems to be very competitive: Do you want to keep fighting and arguing all your life? And being a loser too, because she seems ready to do anything to end up winning. It's only up to you to decide.

 

Take care!

[Scout]

SoGoodImWorried...I have a feeling you are a hypersensitive person who is taking every thing your girlfriend says seriously and analyzing it to the nth degree. For example, her email saying that it was a nice way to wake up by talking to you....I honestly thought it was genuine, and she was making a humorous reference to your disagreement.

 

I'm not sure someone as lively and animated as she appears to be is going to be a good match with someone as sensitive as you. Perhaps you should really take a deep look at the big picture and ask yourself if you aren't projecting some stuff on her that she's really not guilty of doing.

[SoGoodImWorried]

I've spent some more time with my girlfriend and I still don't get it. You're right Scout, I tend to analyze things and I may be projecting my wrong ideas on her. But some things seem to be so strange, I wonder if somebody else (who might not be as sensitive as I am, let's say) would find her behavior questionnable.

 

She keeps asking me "are you asking me to marry you?" when I say something that's a little nice. That's funny, but after the one millionth time it is getting to be annoying... In the last days, I asked her to stop joking about that because it wouldn't be special if I were to really ask her... This reminds me of the movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". We are a little like the characters in that movie.

 

But I'd like to hear from someone who could explain what's going on. There was this movie playing late on TV that had some scenes with naked men. We just happen to watch some of it but it was no good. Nothing special happened until we went to bed, when she mentioned the movie and then said "I'm going to dream I'm having sex with ten men!" I just said "Yeah sure, good night". She left to go sleep in her bed, as usual... I find this behavior quite surprising. She tells me about her fantasies and then leaves me alone in that bed -- when she knows that I just hate sleeping without her. My question is, what am I getting out of this relationship?

 

She keeps telling me how happy she is and says "I'm still not sick of you..." Maybe I AM TOO SENSITIVE but the way she says it, it's like she expects to eventually get sick of me. Anyone heard of self fulfilling prophecies? Anyone can explain what goes on in her mind when she says that?

 

I told her that I was thinking about her all the time. She said, in an condescending tone "You can't be thinking about me all the time! What about when you are driving and looking over your shoulder before you change lanes, you can't be thinking about me then!" Why is it when I say something nice, I get a negative reaction from her?

 

It seems that you may be right Scout, she is very lively, but maybe too much for me and other people. She bugged her old boss so much that he once told her "you can go (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) yourself!" I'm not the only one to react like that to her behavior. When I think about it, it really looks like the story in "Eternal sunshine..." (I hope some of you saw it). What attracted me to my girlfriend (she is lively, good sense of humor, spontaneous, needs to try new things, ...) is turning into "too much of it" (too lively, the humor is offensive, she is disorganized, she gets bored easily, ...).

 

I needed to vent... Can anyone explain what's going on? Is it me, her, or the two of us don't match?

[Scout]

Ok, having read what you just said...don't worry, her comments are genuinely irritating and it's not you.

 

I can see where she is starting to get on your nerves. And I can see where she might have a problem finding the right match.

 

I think the whole sleeping in another bed thing is very odd. Especially if she feels the need to make pretty sexually provocative comments right before she leaves you all alone in an empty bed.

 

She seems to need quite a bit of attention, and to get it, makes strange remarks that constantly leave you wondering, what in the hell did she mean by that??

 

Maybe you should, um, extricate yourself from this strange relationship.

[SoGoodImWorried]

It's the first time I meet someone strange like her. When I talk to her about it, she just says "that's how I am ... don't you like that about me?" What is her true personality? Is that her true personality? Maybe it's a phase and she'll change? She seems consistent in being inconsistent like that though ...

 

Oh I'm in real trouble now! I like her and I can't stand her at the same time. I need time to think...am all confused. How can I leave?

[lonelynshy]

I had to skim through your post rapidly but from what I can tell, your g/f has major issues. I don't think you should take on the responsibility of fixing her problems (especially if she kicks you-did you mean that literally?). Her behaviour is childish and some of it reminds me of an online g/f I once had.

[Mun]

Hello SoGoodImWorried,

Your girlfriend sounds alot like a friend of mine. She is alot of fun to be around, but very draining too. There are so many times when I just wish I could tell her " Helloooo... we are not in high school anymore." I had to get away from her a few months back--it was just too much.

 

I don't think anyone of us can tell you what is going on in her head. In my friends case :

 

She was the youngest and always had people doing things for her, she married while in high school ( and she acts like she's still there sometimes). She's a great person, it's just that her being so disorganized and irresponsible to a degree - she can't balance checkbook or pay bills on time- it's tiring. She is almost always in trouble (and is very good at manipulating people to help her out) ...it seems that everything to her is about having a good time without a care in the world. Sound familiar?

 

I think that you are right to be worried. If this is the way things are now, imagine when you are married and running a home together? How long do you think this happiness would last?

 

Do ask yourself what it is that attracts you to her? In my case I'm a very serious and responsible person, my friend is my downtime... I get to have fun when I'm with her... but I wouldn't want to live with her .

 

Best of luck to you

[SoGoodImWorried]

Thanks muneca for your view. It's funny in a way that my gf actually told me a while ago that she was good at manipulating people without them realizing it! My gf is also the youngest in her family, and I think she might have lacked some attention... I would also want to tell her "Helloooo... you are not in high school anymore." (She is older than you are, when will she grow up?) I understand what you are saying, but it is hard to keep an objective point of view when asking myself what I like in the relationship.

 

As for your comment lonelynshy, I guess "kicking" is literally done with the foot. She actually hits my chest with the top of her forearm and hand. I asked her not to do that unless she meant to tell me that she disagreed, or was upset or something like that because to me getting hit like that is a sign of disagreement. But instead, she uses that hitting to bring my attention to her complaints or other minor things... She does seem to hit me to get my attention, but the message I get is that she is upset. Sure maybe I am being unreasonable and too sensitive, it might just be her way of getting attention, but with all the other odd things that are happening I am getting totally confused by her behavior...

 

Yesterday, I sent some pictures of us I took while we were together last week. I sent her the pictures via e-mail, and also a copy to her father (her parents were there last week). So what do I get for this? She gets upset and tells me: "Don't get too friendly with my dad, he will like you too much!" It's the weirdest thing, I am actually more at ease with my gf's dad, mom, sister, brother and nephews than with my own girlfriend!!!! Maybe it shows and she is jealous? I just don't get it, nothing is ever right. Maybe I'm spending too much time with her...

 

Can you tell me, lonelynshy, what you figured out was happening between you and your ex gf?

 

Thanks everyone for keeping me 'sane'...