So you think you can do NC,eh ?

[solidbunker]

My boss is thinking about giving me a promotion after seeing me working so hard.

Thing is that I am not typing work related emails but to you guys

Last night I got a surprise visit of an old flame.She brought dinner and in return I was nice to her

She couldnt help to notice that I had open ENA site and started reading (lucky me I was logged off!).She started reading about NC and people's comments.

I mind you this is the woman who dumped me twice

She told me she kept coming back for many reasons,but mainly because,and I quote:

- I had feelings for you

- You will never get stacked for a woman

- You are always happy no matter what

- I feel good around you

- I noticed the difference when you were there or not

- You know what you want and never agree when you dont mean it even if we fought for days

 

This is the reasoning of a delicious and beautiful woman who dumped me twice!And she was right when she did so.

Leaving aside circumstances,dumpers like anybody else,will think twice about their decisions and during this thought-process will look at your personality and your full potential.

Relationships got to be well balanced and fair for both parties,and if you are not getting your fair share,you must be prepared to walk away.

Dont look at it like you have been dumped,NC is your refusal response to be treated badly and therefore you walk away and cut contact to let know your partner that you are not ok with this.

Be careless of the consequences cause anything is better than been treated poorly.

This is key will place your ex in a panic mode (again,if they got feelings for you!).

And yes,the situation becomes a power struggle where the dumper gets confused as why you are not reaching to them any longer, wondering if you ever really cared.

NC is not a mind game (your ex already knows about this concept!) but a hard fact of life that some dignified human beings are ready to walk away from a bad deal.

I am not saying to dont show them you care,by all means,please do but when you encounter insults and indifference dont fight it, walk away, let them know your life got a meaning without them.

And what to do when they contact you back? Then just think for yourself "what is in it for me ? "

[Tom1990]

I like this outlook. It's honest, and all about the self. There is nothing wrong with reclaiming your dignity, especially in the face of adversity.

 

You say she was right to dump you twice. Did you tell her that?

[solidbunker]

Hi Tom,

Yes,I did..twice

She has been my best ex,friend,lover,support..everything I ever wanted in a woman.

Issue is that we are too attracted to each other and sooner or later we become each other's obsessions.

Sometimes I would wake up and drive at 4am to her home, wake her up, have sex and sleep together for some hours before going to work.She loves it when I do that!

And some other time she would fly to where I was for the weekend just to be with me for some hours.

Crazy story,love her to death!

[ghengisT]

This is a very good summary. I've been on NC for about a month and a half, out of a 4yr relationship. Although our personalities meshed well with one another, I stopped sticking up for myself, and eventually got an "I love you, but not in love with you" (that's what showing lack of back-bone does for you, fellas).

 

All indifference aside, I wish her the best, but decided enough was enough; My life does not need "you" or your negativity to be complete, and happy. I've since rekindled an old flame, who is much more mature, and we're both eager to see where things go. We had an amazing first date, and I'm taking her Kayaking for the second date, this coming weekend.

 

It's good to be back out there, making friends, sourrounding yourself with positive people, who share similar interests.

 

GhengisT out.

[PaintWithLight]

Interesting and accurate summary about NC but you are not in NC yourself. Maybe I misread your post but you are having dinner with her and chatting with her about romantic histories.

 

How did she happen to stumbled upon your new ENA account? You seem to have a good understanding of NC. I am just puzzled that you are not following it yourself. She still seems to hold sway in your life, even now.

[solidbunker]

Hi PaintWL,

sure thing,brother, I am not in NC..with this ex! As I said,is an old flame,best one ever! But not in a relationship with her.

In fact,I get along with most of my ex's,I got nothing but love and best wishes for them.

Computer was on and ENA site open,its my house and I got nothing to hide.She can take a peek whenever she pleases

Unfortunately,yes,I do have a good understanding about NC due to my past failures..and not a few

I had some cruel and tough "teachers" and still remember what one told me that touched me deeply are blocking my view".I felt soo little and "funny"..

I took this sentence to heart and lived by it ever since : get the hell out of her face!

And when you shut that door in my face, I will show you you are no longer entitled to my time, fun, company, thoughts,..NOTHING!

And when you come back to me,I will ask you is in it for me?"

I am a careless man willing to walk away at any moment from a bad deal..and they know it.

In my world,you can forget to be seated at a pedestal,you get to stand by my side.

And when they start testing me (cause they all do), this is all they get back love me and animals are learning to talk so they can hang out with me"

As I said,I am the prize,now show me what you got.

[duke nukem]

Interesting and accurate summary about NC but you are not in NC yourself. Maybe I misread your post but you are having dinner with her and chatting with her about romantic histories.

 

How did she happen to stumbled upon your new ENA account? You seem to have a good understanding of NC. I am just puzzled that you are not following it yourself. She still seems to hold sway in your life, even now.

 

She brought him dinner and saw the screen. Or that's what I got out of it.

 

He never said he was in contact throughout the time apart, though I suppose he didn't exactly say he was NC either... Where's the back story OP?

[solidbunker]

Spot on Duke!

She brought some nice Indian food,and as any good woman,she was taking a peek around the house looking for suspicious trails

The two times we broke up I went straight into NC because I felt suffocated.

And again,both times it was purely my mistakes,not hers,yet I gave her what she needed,space and time.

In the mean time,I was just a happy butterfly checking out the gardens

Dont ever get stacked, dont get obsessed and give to people what they request/need. Just dont confuse this with you having to stop living your own life.

Dont let people take you for granted,make them work for it.Remember you are the prize!

[Tom1990]

Some breakups are easier than others.

[90_hour_sleep]

i think your theory makes sense.

 

but i don't think it applies accross the board (but that goes without saying). i can think of the women i've left in the past, and while i definitely did consider their potential after i left, there was never any consideration made for going back. from my vantage, i wasn't being treated poorly, but the relationships were also so chalked full of inequality that there was never much incentive to go back. and ''no contact'' was always initiated by me...the one who left. as much for my own sanity as for hers.

 

i think things can work as you've described in many instances. but there are many scenarios in which it will not apply.

 

i think it goes FAR beyond simply having feelings for someone. i think most people that leave have those feelings...but i know very few who'd be willing to compromise their own well-being -- to put themselves back into a relationship where their needs are not met -- for those feelings. in general, i'd say the people who ''come back'' do so more out of a need to fill an internal void than to realize their heart's truest desire.

 

just an opinion though...based on my own experience.