Recovering from Coming on too Strong?

[mikeca]

Hi there ENA - hope you can guide me again.

 

Background:

 

This younger girl (20) transferred into my department around 6months ago and I was her immediate supervisor and trainer. Her and I had an immediate working relationship and we worked well together - ending up at the office "A-team" (if you wanted something done...) She had a BF when she first got here so while I thought she was attractive I didn't pursue any relationship out of work of any kind. Well in January her and her BF broke up - and we started working together even more (our shifts just seem to match us together) and we started texting outside of work, then hanging out at clubs and parties. She even slept over about a month ago (with no sex or anything) as she lives out of town a fair bit and I offered my bed and i'd sleep on the couch - We ended up sharing the bed (at her request). She began to text asking to come over to her friends parties and joking she would wear "a see-thru shirt" to convince me and ofcourse I went and hung out and had a great evening.

 

At this point neither of us mentioned any possible feelings or anything, just alot of flirting and innuendo that even to a degree I thought may have just been playful. (she is very attractive and fit and while I'm cute I have a bit of belly)

 

Well just over a week ago was my 27th Birthday and we hung-out all night (in a group) for my birthday and she's texting me things like "do you like my dress?" which made me feel like cartoon character with my tongue hitting the floor. We went to several places including a strip club where she bought me a dance (which was a little weird - not really into things like that) but later in the evening we ending up on the dance floor together away from the group and I could just feel the connection, dirty dancing and looking at each other with that certain "lust".

 

Long story short she came home with me that night and we fooled around on the couch before making my way to the bedroom...without going into much detail I'll just say '3rd base' was not where she wanted to stop.

 

now this is where my ego takes a bit of a hit. She wanted to go further (as did I - which I have never had a 1night stand before) but I could not maintain my....*cough* you know (in my head I'm yelling at this point)..

 

She seemed to be okay with it saying I must have drank too much and we'll try in the morning...which again to no avail. We fool around a bit in the morning and talk..where I mentioned I felt a connection since day 1. **where I think was my first mistake** but she mentions she felt something too and was happy she transferred here She mentions that I'll definitely get another chance - after all that I drive her to her car and she kisses me goodbye.

 

I had plans that night and she texts about how sorry she was we couldn't hang out on my actual birthday. The next morning I sent a text "I awoke this morning with your smell on my pillow but you weren't here which she commented back was "so very sweet and nice to hear" Even later in the day I went to a sporting event in another city so we couldn't hang out - but on my way there I sent a text jokingly saying "if I jumped off the boat and swam back do you want to hang out instead? this ride sucks!" and she got the joke and sent back one about the date being at the hospital due to my hypothermia.

 

I get back on the Tuesday and ask to hangout but shes working so I don't text anymore that day, but on Wednesday I ask if she wants to hike a popular trail? again no...because its her SPA day (We have a businness dinner on the Thursday) so I figure that makes sense and she doesn't want to ruin her hair or anything like that..yet I pick up a little "something negative" in that text.

 

So I arrive at the dinner early and start talking with other employees from different branches when she rolls in I go to say hello and receive maybe 4-5 sentences and a cold shoulder...now we both talked about keeping it quiet in front of other staff but this is different.

 

all night she barely looks at me and we exchange a few words in conversation. After which I walk her out to her car and ask her what is wrong... "she says shes fine but eventually also saying she doesn't want a relationship" and while I am a little disappointed, I said "okay...well you know I like you so I will just leave the ball in your court"... and that's been basically it, I've only talked to her at work and about work related stuff since then...

 

I know that was a bit long and thank you for reading through it.

 

The questions running through my head are:

 

I think I may have come on too strong - I have been playing it aloof at work and trying to act normal like we were before (almost like it never happened)

- Now with this should I tell her you know sorry for maybe freaking her out, its just been awhile that I've felt comfortable with someone like this...etc...etc.

- or should I just keep it up like it doesn't bother me and don't reach out until she possibly does? or cut all extra communication at work and just focus on numbers and tasks.

 

I also think she thinks I'm like in "love" with her or something because I am a romantic kind of guy, and while I like her its definitely not something I couldn't move past

 

I would also like to get a second chance in the bedroom as well...and while my first choice would be a relationship, it has been awhile since I've been intimate with a girl (last gf was over a year ago)

 

How would I approach that without offending her? or making it seem like I'm using it to make her like me? Whether its one time or a FWB thing I could also live with.

 

 

Random thoughts

My current thoughts were to give her some space (maybe a 1month?) and approach her again outside of work about it...

also thinking some girls like to be chased?

or just retreating back to nothing ever happened and either move on or potentially making her wonder why I am not giving her attention?

[SuperDuper]

This sounds so similar to my situation from a month or 2 ago I have to share my thoughts.

 

WHO KNOWS what she is thinking.. she could have said anything instead of "I don't want a relationship".. but the fact is she said SOMETHING that showed she wanted space.

So, you know to respect that... and that seems clear from your post.

 

However, since you work with her I think it's important that you remain professional, and polite around her. No cold shoulders or cold looks. In your head you have to act like what you two had in the past was simply a fling... because honestly that's all it seems like. MAYBE things would have developed differently in a parallel universe, but as it stands.. she doesn't want a relationship.

 

My advice: Do not tell her your feelings toward the situation. If you want hope of even getting a FWB situation (whether that's encouraged is another story), then she has to feel comfortable around you, which means little or no tension. Situations that you're in tend to build tension with the girl because you end up playing mind-games trying to figure out her intentions.

 

Instead, focus on you... your life, activities, interests, etc. If she realizes you're happy regardless then this will likely spark attraction in her again. Because in my opinion, she probably realized she was getting in too deep with you and has since distanced herself. Her reason for doing so could be that she liked you but has been hurt by past guys, or that she simply doesn't want to commit to someone right now. The list could go on and on.

 

Put her out of your mind. Your interest in her is very clear in my opinion. If she wants anything with you it's her responsibility to approach you.

 

GL

[Timahani]

Hey Mike

 

In my opinion, you did not do anything wrong. You all were out partyin ...havin fun.....one thing lead to the next. My only advice to you is ...be more patient. I tell people this all the time. Sometimes it takes women a little bit longer to decipher her true feelings for you, and to find out if this is what she really wants which is a relationship. Sometimes, after a one night stand a women can wake up and be like "What did I do"? "Do I really like this person"? At the same time, make sure you guard you heart....I know guys have feelings too. Make sure that she really likes you before sleeping with her....I am not sure , but you stated that she had just broken up with her boyfriend......hmmmmmmm....you wanna make sure that she is not using you as her "REBOUND MAN". Often times, women after breaking up with their companions need to feel that warmth, affection, and desire again...so they fulfill that desire through partying and one night stands...only to wake up to looming thoughts of their former boyfriend which can take months sometimes even a year to heal.....So in short, my advice would be...give her space, and guard your heart....until you all are able to have an honest chat.........God Bless.

[solidbunker]

You two guys work together?What happened to the old good jealousy doses?

Flirt a bit with some other female colleagues.

Make yourself look like the prize because you are.

Remember that once you come strong on a woman you create an image of needy in her brain and you need to erase it by little contact in your case and some healthy flirty flirty with other female colleagues.

Been there done that but adjust the doses and be real.

The other members are telling you to give her space,which you should,but make yourself a challenge and not looking like you are waiting for her to make the first move.

You can have fun without her,she just needs to know it.

Back to her history,you are probably some kind of semi-rebound guy here and your tactics need to be neat and distinguished so dont be clingy!

And your set of mind should be she is gone already,to avoid frustrations.

Flirt flirt flirt,and with her too.

Workspace is my specialty and I got to tell you that due to seen each other everyday the tension might get down quite easily so be precise in your movements.

[mikeca]

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback I appreciate it. I will just go on as normal and have some fun with myself and others!

 

Can't help that I'm back in the gym now too!

 

Thanks

[Ms Darcy]

I think the combination of your sluggish penis and the texts made her lose interest. Not your fault but it is what it is.

 

My advice is really just move on. I know your ego is bruised but she verbally basically told you to move on and that's what you should do.

[mikeca]

removed due to clarity!