I'm a Holden Caulfield again...

[jmh1216]

It's been 4 months since we broke up (and since we've spoken to each other), 7 months since we've seen each other (and since this pain started), and I still have no idea how to get over her. Sure, I think about other girls sometimes now, I try to force myself to do that. It still seems wrong, sometimes. And I was doing better for a while, but now, I don't know what happened...

 

I was in Boston today, feeling completely hopeless and alone, projecting my pain onto everyone else in the city, experiencing my surroundings as a blur, as though I were on the pain-inducing equivalent of laughing gas. I bet someone could write a great book if only they knew my current state of mind, I thought. I was Holden Caulfield mumbling into the air curses that no one heard. I semi-seriously considered jumping in front of traffic, or convincing a police officer to shoot me... and I am not suicidal. I don't know what it is. I just feel so screwed up. As screwed up as I felt when we first broke up. I feel that love is beautiful and powerful beyond expression... I feel that love makes all possibilities real.... yet, I am so disillusioned by love. She was my soulmate, I knew, with a feeling that went beyond certainty.......... so how am I ever to trust or believe again?

 

It's because I care so much, isn't it? It's because I would give my life to make this one person's life a little happier. Because I had so much love to give, and now I've given everything I could... because I promised her that I could never do anything but love her, and I really meant it, despite my screwing up so horribly. Because I knew I would love her forever, and I believed she would love me, too... and now I am keeping my promise, and must keep it, to my misery and detriment. If I stopped loving her, I don't think I'd be worth loving... and intellectually, I know better. I'd stop loving her, if I only know how, but I just don't.

 

I am a hopeless romantic. I still believe in fairy tales, and I couldn't be anything else... yet, I guess it's more accurate to say... I can't believe in fairy tales, but it's even more impossible not to believe in them... I'm in flux. There's nowhere for me to go.

 

I am not me, if not a romantic. I am not me, if not an idealist.

[Empathy]

Awe. I feel your pain more than you know. I can definitely empathize with you. Not only can I identify with you but I truly feel sorry for you. Isn't it horrible to think that the person who doesn't want to be with you could possibly be your soulmate? I thought that way before. But you know what I realized? You shouldn't think that way. Because (assuming soulmates are real) if you want someone but they don't want you, they're not your soulmate. That's just one of many things I have to keep telling myself. If you give your love to someone that doesn't want it, then they don't deserve to be your soulmate.

[Jamiegirl]

I totally understand how You feel and I agree with the last post. Dont be a Holden , Although that is my favorite book in the world Catcher in the rye. Anyways Try to think positive something holden didnt do. well not often anyways. socialize more. this make people feel better. And try not to think about what makes you sad.

 

Good Luck with this

[jmh1216]

You guys have really comforted me... if only in your understanding and helping me to know that I'm not alone! I'll try to think positive, but I don't see too much to think positively about right now. I don't know why it's been so hard lately.

 

When everything is so incredibly beautiful, your love for each other so pure, that you know you couldn't be anything *but* soulmates... and then, suddenly, you realise that's changed, or *something* happened... and it's gone.... how am I supposed to feel? How can I possibly move on from that...?

 

I'm almost positive she did love me, very much so, but that just confuses me even more. I can't imagine trusting anyone or giving myself to anyone like that, ever again... even though I want to...

 

Sometimes I feel that she's better off, because her feelings have changed, and she doesn't seem to mind that they've changed. I, on the other hand, want to feel what I can't feel, and want to believe what I can't believe.