any patterns with older male younger female relationships?

[lucy9089]

My boyfriend is 33 and I am 19, and I'm wondering if some of the aspects of our relationship are related to age. Umm... For example he gives me advice and helps me grow, but I don't feel like I ever help him with his issues and I consequently have some feelings of guilt, or undeservingness. I just feel really lucky to be with him. Where he probably feels like I need to change to make him happy, rather than feeling lucky to be with me too.

 

I guess I "let guys hit on me", I think I am getting better about that, its just hard to restrict friendliness, especially when you don't see the harm in being friendly and he does. He feels I am pretty clueless about male motivations, I feel like he is over-reacting, and I feel resentful for having to act super-serious, having to act like I hate all men besides him.

 

Actually I feel like he over-reacts a lot and he treats me like a child sometimes, and talks to me like I'm stupid, and I just stare out the window and tune him out. And then he just demands me to talk, and these situations hardly ever really get resolved

 

These are just a few aspects/dysfunctions in our relationships and I want to know the following:

Are these things related to age or personality type? Do you have examples perhaps from your own lives of being in a relationship like this? Was it related to age? Did these relationships last? What do you think about these types of problems, is there a solution that you know of, that I don't? If you know what I can do to get better results from this relationship I swear I'll be open-minded. I'm into psychology; so feel free to tie in my relationship with any of the psychological theories. THANKS SO MUCH TO ANYONE WHO REPLYS TO THIS POST!

-Lucy

[mahlina]

he gives me advice and helps me grow, but I don't feel like I ever help him with his issues and I consequently have some feelings of guilt, or undeservingness. I just feel really lucky to be with him. Where he probably feels like I need to change to make him happy,

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a relationship with a guy much older than me a few years back. He was 28, and I was 19 close to 20 at that time. A lot of what your boyfriend says/how he treats you, sounds very similar to what my ex used to do me.

 

My best advice to you, do not allow him to talk down on you just because you're younger. Just because you're younger than him, it does not mean that you can't think for yourself. You can. So he can't order you around, and say that you're too nice to guys. He can't turn you into the little Barbie doll that he wants you to be. You as a mature young lady, do know your own boundaries. I know how that act of 'possessiveness' goes. I didn't appreciate it either. What he needs to also do, is respect you as his 'equal', and trust that you have your own better judgement of things. He shouldn't try to boss you around, but rather, he should accept you for all that you are.

 

I feel your pain. You shouldn't have to feel submissive, bend over backwards, and change in order to accommodate to his needs. It's not all about him, it's about what you want as well.

 

In terms of age vs. personality, I would say that it's probably a combo of both. Age being that he feels older, so he feels as though he has more control. (This is only in regards to your boyfriend and my ex). Personality, perhaps the tendency to be a little bitter about things, and always wanting to be 'right'. I'd say, they probably both have toxic personalities. They probably feel insecure among themselves, and thereforeeee, feel the need to 'control' us, and make us feel bad for not being what they want us to be. It's often that people who feel insecure within themselves, they feel the need to control, dominate, and put others down, in order to put you in your spot. So, it's a combination of both age and personality.

 

See, I think that if your b/f and my ex had a bit more of 'accepting' personalities, then I truly think that age-gap relationships can work. I think that they can, but it depends on the other person's personality, if they're the dominating type or not, and how well both people's personalities mesh together.

I just stare out the window and tune him out.

I used to do the exact same. Tune out his bitter nagging. At this point in the relationship, it's almost as if it's borderline unhealthy. So, all in all, my suggestion is to re-evaluate if he's truly who you want to be with. Maybe he's just not the 'right' match. The longer you stay and put up with this torment, it will feel like emotional abuse, and may also lead to verbal abuse. Be strong. If he yells at you, then stand your ground. Do not tolerate with his behavior. He'll only push you around if he feels as though he's allowed to. Hope this helps. Take care.-Mahlina

[bruind]

he gives me advice and helps me grow, but I don't feel like I ever help him with his issues and I consequently have some feelings of guilt, or undeservingness. I just feel really lucky to be with him.

 

hi lucy. u know, iv just been in a 14-month relationship with my boyfriend who's 7 yrs older than me. (he's 27, im 20) he broke with me last week though, but we're trying to work things out. (for details, you can just read my posts.) u know what, the things you mentioned above, its quite true with me also. yeah, i feel to be really lucky to be with him, and he used to tell me the same too.

 

having to act like I hate all men besides him.

 

just the same as what you've mentioned, when we got together, i had to put a distance to men. i even had to avoid my guy bestfriend just for him. he's just so jealous of all men literally.

 

he treats me like a child sometimes,...he just demands me to talk, and these situations hardly ever really get resolved

 

girl, i really feel like we're on the same boat. he used to tell me that he's talking to a grade1 girl (referring to me).

 

 

Are these things related to age or personality type? Do you have examples perhaps from your own lives of being in a relationship like this? Was it related to age? Did these relationships last?

 

i agree with mahlina, yeah, its a combination of both age and personality.

being older, he's got more experience in life, so he may think that he knows better. sometimes maybe, but there are times that this is not true. sometimes, when i tell my bf that i want to do this thing, he would automatically say no saying that he already knows what the outcome of my action would be. i think, how long a relationship would last has nothing to do with age. its in how you treat and respect the personality and individuality of your partner. how compatible you are with each other.

 

well... good luck girl. i hope for your happiness.

[frizzle]

"I guess I "let guys hit on me", I think I am getting better about that, its just hard to restrict friendliness, especially when you don't see the harm in being friendly and he does. He feels I am pretty clueless about male motivations, I feel like he is over-reacting, and I feel resentful for having to act super-serious, having to act like I hate all men besides him."

 

I'm going to play devil's advocate. He is trying to explain to you some of his insecurities and to just tune out and ignore them is not very loving. Why do you let guys hit on you? Is he not enough for you? How would you like it if he did the same and went round flirting with other girls? You don't have to act like you hate all other men but since you know it makes your guy unhappy why keep doing the flirting?

 

Fact is many guys do have alterior motives. He's more experienced he knows this very well. Look at nature and you'll see it all the time, the male of the species usually is quite protective and "jealous" if they weren't they'd all be scoring with everyone else's women.

[edgecrusher96]

I personally wouldn't recommend a big age gap relationship to anyone, it's not practical because chances are you'll be at different stages in life and any attempt to intertwine your lives together would be very strained and convoluted. I dated a guy 12 years my senior for 3 months and because our life circumstances are so different, it didn't work out. The most important thing to have in any relationship is a sense of commonality, and age gap relationships seem to lack this because chances are you'll be at different stages of life, have different experiences and ideas.

 

Then there is also the power issue. Even though my ex-boyfriend is a nice person, I subconsciously felt incompetent around him because the fact that he is older meant that he has achieved a lot more than I have. I'm an ambitious and determined sort of person and I found myself constantly comparing him to me, and feeling inferior. He works in a semi-management position and gets close to a 6 figure salary while I'm barely halfway through my degree and am living on the poverty line, so I didn't feel like an equal. Having him around was a constant reminder of what I don't have and what I haven't been able to achieve in life and may never will, and I felt very self-conscious. I believe in power equality in a relationship, dating someone considerably older than me makes me feel like a inexperienced child and I wouldn't want to go through that again.

 

But to each their own, it's just that personally I'm not a fan of the age gap relationship, I've learned from recent experience.

[PAdreamer]

I am 19 and my boyfriend is 27. But frankly we have never dealt with anything like this. I suppose part of it may be the distance bewteen us... But I think part of it depends on why this fella is with you in the first place. Why does he feel he needs to change you? If he thinks your so naive, why is he with you? It sounds to me like he has some pretty major insecurities. Maybe you need to sit down with him and talk about it. You shouldn't constantly feel like you're the one with the problem. If he is so anal about this stuff, he has a problem somewhere to. This reminds me of a title from a play: "I love you, you're perfect, now change!" Love doesn't work like that.

[Scout]

I'd like to point out that many men who pursue relationships with women much younger than them do so because they need to be in control, and looked up to. They need to have the power in the relationship.

 

I can tell you right now, most women your boyfriend's age would not tolerate his possessiveness, or allow him to change their personalities so that they couldn't even talk to the opposite sex. They would show him the door pretty fast. And he knows that. Which is why he is comfortable with someone so much younger, and less sure of herself.

 

I fear your boyfriend's controlling behavior will only get worse. Can I ask you why you are involved with someone so much older? Do you like the feeling of being protected, looked after, and having someone to admire and look up to? If so, that is likely feeding his dominating behavior and expectations.

 

If he thinks all men are so bad, ask him what is it about him that sets him apart from EVERY OTHER GUY IN THE WORLD. If he's so good and moralistic over every other guy, what is he doing with such a younger girl? Trust me, those comments of his are just another way to control what you do.

 

Be careful. I want to advise you to get out of this relationship, actually, especially when I read you are now reduced to staring out the window and tuning him out. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have lost your voice? You are just about to embark upon the twenties, a wonderful time of self-discovery, adventure, and care-free happy times. Please think long and hard before you yoke yourself to this control freak; you will end up missing out on so much, because it sounds like he's laying down the rules already. I'm really concerned for you.

[lucy9089]

Okay, I did only focus on the negative things, for the point of getting advice but I feel that I should mention the positive to give people an idea of why I'm in this relationship.

Well to start I really do not like guys my own age, not to be discriminatory, I suppose its possible for me to develop a crush on someone my own age. I also see it as a risky behavior. I feel that guys my own age don't have the value of intimacy, so thereforeeee they may think they want a relationship, but later change their mind. I don't want that kind of insecurity. My boyfriend has had probably 6-10 intimate relationships, and the more recent ex's have left him, or cheated on him, rather than Vis versa, which leads me to believe that he definitely wants an intimate relationship. He, like I, feel most comfortable and satisfied when we are in intimate relationships.

So that is the main reason, security, the other reason is access to an older brain; he understands most things that I tell him. We can talk about interesting things like politics or psychology or we can talk about emotions. All my past partners could never talk about emotions or were not comfortable with them; they were all my age. I could never go back to that.

Anyways so I guess the main thing that I am wondering is, do all of these things that I love about him necessarily go along with the possessiveness and forcefulness? And if they don't have to go along with each other, what can I do to help him change his negative behaviors. I was glad to get some feedback from the poster who was more on his side, telling me I have to stop letting guys flirt with me, but I need more details on how to do that, besides just being scared to talk to the opposite sex.

Oh I also wanted to say that he is open to changing for me. When I am truly sad about something (probably crying) he is more than willing to apologies and make me feel better.

It's just that when he is upset he like sort of lectures me, and it's very hard for me to care, when I just feel like escaping. I want to know how I can get him to snap out of these moods as soon as possible. Besides saying "im sorry, your right, im sorry your right..." and not really meaning it.

THANKS AGAIN TO ALL OUT THERE WILLING TO HELP!

-Lucy

[Scout]

You can't get him to change, I'm sorry to tell you. He'll have to do it himself. That is something you need to realize about people: only they can truly make the changes they need to make.

 

I am telling you that forcefulness and possessiveness are extremely negative aspects to a relationship that do not balance out the good. If you love him so much, and you really feel he will change, then test him by asking if he will go to counseling with you. If he refuses, then you know how open he is to changing.

[PAdreamer]

Again I mention the "changing". If you feel that you have to change a person to have a healthy relationship with them, then you really shouldn't be together. Sorry, but that's just the truth. If you can say "well they aren't perfect, but if they never changed I would still be completely happy with them", then if they DO change it's okay. But thinking that you need to change things about your partner puts up some major red flags. What if they never change? Would you spend your whole life miserable? Or could you truly be happy with that?

[jubal]

I am 28 and my girlfriend is 19. Many of the things that have been posted before this reply are true and the advice is sound. Definitely, if you believe (either you or your boyfriend) that there are fundamental elements of your respective personalities that need to be altered in order to maintain the relationship, there is a problem.

The possessiveness and extreme jealousy are certainly not healthy. Although my girlfriend is pretty jealous of some of my previous love interests (I attribute this to her youth, maybe I shouldn't) she still has a sense of humor about it and isn't controlling (i.e. she accepts the fact that I still remain friends with some old flames). I, however, am not jealous. She is very beautiful and is hit on by many men, but I trust her completely (maybe I'm being naive). Prior to us becoming exclusive, I made a point of discussing her age and pointing out that when I was her age I was more interested in partying than settling down in a relationship. I told her that if she wanted to enjoy being single for awhile that i would have no problem with that. I think the jealousy springing from your guy probably stems from his own insecurity about his age (I know I sometimes wonder if I'm too boring for my girlfriend) and his own experiences of the recklessness of youth (he doesn't trust you or doesn't respect your ability not to be taken advantage of) All in all, you need to weigh the positives and negatives of this relationship, but I've seen jealousy turn real ugly and make both partners in a relationship absolutely miserable. Hope this helps...

[PAdreamer]

I totally agree with Jubal. Older men often fear that their younger partners will not be faithful. My boyfriend had also made comments in the past to my age and how he was surprised that I was ready to settle down so soon. For a while, he was also very insecure about our relationship, but he expressed it by being hard on himself. Again, we have a lot of other factors that play into the insecurities in our relationships.

 

Like I said, you may just need to try to talk this through and find the deeper motivations of his actions.