How do you deal with character assassination, distortions and lies?

[sandrawg]

I had a friend, who is no LONGER a friend, because of the following:

 

Long story short, he's 35 and dating an 18 yr old. Nobody cares, although most of our friends don't support it, but we realize it's his choice.

 

Now, my housemate and I planned a party for St. Patty's Day, a couple of wks ago. My 35 yr old friend I mentioned-let's call him Jim-asked my housemate if we could incorporate a bday party for his gf and his gf's sidekick who is 19 and is ALSO always around the 2 of them. Their bdays happen to be around the same time.

 

My housemate said sure. Nobody chkd with me. Next thing I know, Jim is posting a Facebook event for it..and I've got my other friends (all in their mid 30s) IM'ing me, going "aren't these girls underage?? I don't wanna drink around underage girls"..a couple friends said they wouldn't come if the 19 yr olds were there.

 

I then asked my housemate, what's up, and he said sorry, I forgot to chk with you. I said people are thretening to not come. My housemate said, ask Jim if he can move it to HIS place. I did. Jim got p*ssy with me. Next thing I know, Jim is calling our friends complaining about me. He was trying to make this all about me..making me the bad guy and suggesting I didn' t like his gf.

 

I left him an angry voicemail when I found out he was doing this. Well, he played that voicemail for everyone and their brother, totallyi taking it out of context. A mutual friend - "Sally"-told me she could tell what I meant in the message and pointed out to him that what he THOUGHT it said wasn't what I meant. He wouldn't listen.

 

In the last 4-5 days, I have had to defend myself to nearly everyone I know, cuz Jim has spun off the rails. He's told people that I called up mutual friends and told them to ostracize Jim, which is RIDICULOUS considering a) no one is ostracizing him. b) I did nothing of the sort, and he has no evidence to this effect. Doesn't matter.. I've had mutual friends come at me in a hostile manner cuz of the lies Jim is spinning and his distortions of the facts. I've spent hours defending myself to people. Usu by the end, they come around.

 

I've noticed, this is a pattern with Jim. He lies and distorts with people he doesn't like. He engages in revisionist history (FOR EXAMPLE, I dated a much younger guy earlier, and he would not stop giving me grief about it. Now he denies ever doing this. My friend Sally called him out on this.) Jim hated my much-younger ex . He played a game one time where, 2 other friends invited him to dinner. He called me up and invited me, but said my bf was not welcome cuz "the 2 other friends think he's an a$$hole." That caused a big mess of drama, and Jim ended up having to apologize at the end. Jim has also told mutual friends lies about my ex...for ex., making him sound like a date rapist because an older woman I know, THREW HERSELF at my ex. Jim spun it as, my ex was coming on to HER and at the same party, Jim said my ex "forced himself" on this friend of mine. Yes, my ex FLIRTED with the girl, but he didn't "force himself" on her.

 

I am DONE with him, at this point. But I know there is 1 friend who, even tho I got Sally on the phone with him to confirm that I did not "call people up to ostracize Jim", has been cold to me since this happened. And there are 1-2 friends I have not spoken to, who believe bad things about me. I am so tired of defending myself that I don't even want to deal with them. I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just leave it be?

 

I figure eventually people will see Jim's true nature and get sick of his whining and complaining about me. The 2 friends who were gonna boycott the party in the first place are pretty disgusted with him right now and totally understand why I'm dropping him as a friend.

[guynextdoor]

So was there a St. Patty's day party? Hate to see green beer go to waste.. Jim is very immature. This dude is all about drama. What is he doing dating someone that could be his daughter? Lose the "friend", let things calm down with your other friends and talk it out when they approach you about the topic. You don't need to defend yourself, if your other friends are true friends they will discuss this with you. GL

[Seraphim]

I would just stop defending yourself. You don't need to. My mother always told me if you have to repeatedly defend yourself it looks like you are guilty even if you are not. They will find out on their own what he is like.

[sandrawg]

I know! That's what's been so frustrating about the whole thing, is feeling like by the very act of defending myself, people seem suspicious, and esp since I am having a hard time staying calm when I know Jim has been dishing BS about me.

 

I would just stop defending yourself. You don't need to. My mother always told me if you have to repeatedly defend yourself it looks like you are guilty even if you are not. They will find out on their own what he is like.

[sandrawg]

YES! The term "drama queen" has come up in conversations I've had with my 2 other friends who had a problem w the underage drinking thing, many times.

 

And you are more than welcome to come to the next party I throw

 

So was there a St. Patty's day party? Hate to see green beer go to waste.. Jim is very immature. This dude is all about drama. What is he doing dating someone that could be his daughter? Lose the "friend", let things calm down with your other friends and talk it out when they approach you about the topic. You don't need to defend yourself, if your other friends are true friends they will discuss this with you. GL

[Tia Emma]

The mutual friends have to choose sides. You don't need to explain, because people often choose their closer friends. The people who are cold to you, they are Jim's friends. That's that. They are not confused about the events. They simply chose Jim over you.

[Angel Irulan]

Didn't you tell Jim that your mutual friends were threatening not to come because of his gf's age? Those are fighting words for someone who is in an age gap relationship. He likely feels you started it. It sounds like your friendship with Jim is over in any case.

 

Angel

[sandrawg]

You're not getting it. The friends were threatening not to come because they didn't want to get in trouble for hosting underage drinking, nor did they want to drink around girls who weren't old enough to legally drink. We've all gone to plenty of other events where his gf attended. Her age specifically didn't stop anyone.

 

Especially since there were tons of cops everywhere for the St. Patty's Day festivities, nobody wanted to take a risk on the drinking issue.

 

Didn't you tell Jim that your mutual friends were threatening not to come because of his gf's age? Those are fighting words for someone who is in an age gap relationship. He likely feels you started it. It sounds like your friendship with Jim is over in any case.

 

Angel