Feeling sorry for yourself? Have you become addicted to sympathy?

[Never2Late]

I don’t know if it is just me...

 

Recently, I feel like I need to hear people saying that everything is going to be ok, that life goes on, that a breakup is not the end of the world, that I am better off alone, that I dodged a bullet, and so on...

 

If I don’t hear anything like that, I start to feel down and mild-depressed.

 

My breakup was 3 ½ months ago, and I am sadly happy to say that I was a dumper (had so many reasons) with remorse (have a big heart) and a dumpee (idiot) at the same time, i.e. I am feeling what a dumper and a dumpee feel.

 

Everything in me has been amplified. I have had all kind of feelings and thoughts, many “if only’s” and “what if’s”, clinging onto something/someone that just isn’t there (here) anymore.

 

I am slowly moving towards “acceptance”, The Exit from Hell. Luckily, the Devil didn’t notice I was there...because she is gone!

 

But still, I need to feel the sympathy from people.

 

Is it normal or am I just being a primadonna?

[strange_]

You need to try at least lessen your dependence on other people's reaction It could be a sign of codependency... try to talk to yourself, gain sympathy from yourself (!!) trust your own voice more !

[doyathink]

LOL yes! Thats why I come here everyday and read why Im better off without him. I too, was the dumper...but I had no other choice. Nothing was going to change so I had to cut my loses then. Why keep going on and on and on when its just wasting everyones time. Instead...take that time to heal, and find someone worth giving your heart to.

 

I get so much inspiration from you ppl here. It's my life force most days.

[links12]

I understand how you feel, i've never been exactly dependent on peoples sympathy but i do feel like i would like to hear those things to sometimes because sometimes i fee like freaking rose in titanic, i feel like im screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. i feel so alone sometimes and even the two girls i thought were my best friends, my own roommate, she's never ever had a bf and doesnt know what its like to be in love or what is it like to have your heart broken and so she just doesnt seem supportive and doesnt act like regular friends do after a break up and neither does the other girl so i feel alone. in high school when i went through my first hard hard break up they were there for me and would say things like this like its okay and all but no one tells me that. not even my closest friend right now who is far away at the moment. he actually sometimes makes things worse. but thats why theres people here on ENA who will help you and will tell you those things and they're not just sayings they're true. we just have blindfolds at the moment and we can't see in the perspective we should because we're so hurt and its normal.

[marconi68]

Ahh but your getting the right type of sympathy from like-minded people in here who are going through the same feelings as you. They offer sympathy and good advice, and when the advice is more direct and less sympathetic thats a good wake up call too.

 

doyathink glad to see you come back from the_undead

[Never2Late]

I have found out, today, that my ex has a boyfriend... Panic attacks, again. And my stomach?! Miserable feelings... Why is this happening?!

[EmmaB78]

Have you SEEN how many threads I've started here?!?! Lol. While I do think there comes a time when you can't be dependent on other peoples' sympathy (and, they will get sick of having it requested at some point), I'm with your right now in wanting everyone, at all times, to tell me what a jerk my ex is, how I'm better off with out him, how I am destined to find someone better, and how he is destined to die alone. That's why I spend so much time on these boards - even when I don't have my own thread going, I like to read other peoples', and I like offering them the advice that I know I need to take myself - every time I tell someone, "Ditch that loser," I feel a little bit better. Plus, it prevents me from harassing my friends IRL TOO much (although, honestly, I'm starting to feel like I may be going a little bit overboard w/ them so need to take a step back and remember to ask them about their own lives/troubles as well).

[quirky]

Primadonna..! too funny.

No I think like all of us you just need reminding that you will be ok, that the ex isn't amazing, that you're not worthless etc. It's tough times. I get some support here and there but I see willingness to help quite a bit from people that want to sleep with me so yeah, won't go to them really.

 

I'm sorry you found out she has a bf, that must have hurt, I really feel for you. Who told you? We really can't control other people's lives..I'm sure you feel awful but ironically this information may eventually help you heal faster.

[Never2Late]

For a fact, I know that my ex is not amazing. She is the opposite of amazing.

I am very hurt right now because I am grieving the loss of someone who doesn't deserve. And never did.

 

My friends are family are so mad at me 'cause I am still talking about a miserable woman. They had to give me the bad news. They think this way I can convince myself that she is not worth my misery, that I dodged a bullet.

 

But how can you detach emotionally from someone, even when you know that this person is not good for you?

 

So sad, and so so hurtful.

[doyathink]

Ahh but your getting the right type of sympathy from like-minded people in here who are going through the same feelings as you. They offer sympathy and good advice, and when the advice is more direct and less sympathetic thats a good wake up call too.

 

doyathink glad to see you come back from the_undead

 

Thank you...pretty sure im still amoung the undead.

 

My ex is out doing anyone who will hold still long enough. I used to get crushed over knowing about it...but he's done it so many times, Im numb to it now.

Once the initial shock wears off, it gets easier. Ride the waves.....

[Never2Late]

How can I run from this feeling of emptiness and pain that I have in my stomach now?!

After knowing that my ex has a 'rebound' guy, I feel like the relationship and I were worth nothing to her.

She is showing her true colors now, but my instinct managed to see them during the relationship.

 

I wasn't expecting anything better from her, otherwise I would be still with her.

 

And I wish I didn't have to find out...but now that I know, it hurts like Hell.

 

I can hardly eat. Can't sleep properly and mornings are just awful.

 

After nearly 4 months, I'm still like this and she's having good time.

 

Can I possibly be jealous of someone who lied to me on many occasions, who was behaving like a 'single' teenager during the relationship, who managed to suck the happiness out of me?!

 

Why, now that she is gone, am I not feeling great?! Why am I suffering because of what she is doing now?!

 

Being a 'forced' dumper, when you are in love, is really really tough.

[marconi68]

Mine is similar to yours.. the ex was 5 years older and i thought that would be good cos she would be more mature minded... what a cosmic joke.

And you know in your heart that the relationship was not healthy and the best thing is to get the hell out.

So why is it so hard? I too was the forced dumper. But a forced dumper is not the same as a regular dumper; most have checked out emotionally beforehand, and moving on. The forced dumper is still wrapped up in the the other person, but forced to leave the situation because you are unhappy. And still left with Could haves, Would haves and Should haves, like a dumpee.

I'm doing OK now Never2, although i did have some contact with the ex recently which put me back a bit, but it will get easier in time, cos mainly you'll get sick of feeling like crap and also you have no choice, she's moving on; we have to aswell.

[secondchance67]

You are missing the feelings of being "in a realtionship" or " having someone in your life".......I don't think its the ex you miss, but more the idea of being in a relationship and loving someone and having them love you back.

 

It is a classic symptom of abandonment, mixed with a side order of co-dependency.

 

How do I know this?

 

Because I suffer from the same issues and have been in therapy for months now to try and get a handle on it.

 

These feelings are normal if they DON'T hang around for months on end; identifying that you cannot release these feelings is a good indicator that you need to speak to a professional....remember asking for help is not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of great inner strenght.

 

Being the dumper or the dumpee, these issues can affect either person, or both.

 

Are you harboring any guilt over being forced to dump her?

 

Your guilt may manifest itself in different ways, causing you to dwell or ruminate on these issues instead of focusing on the REAL issue: the guilt and hurt over having to dump the one you loved.

 

Think about it.....read about co-dependency and abandonment issues, and see if you can relate to the signs and descriptions in your own thoughts and actions.

[Never2Late]

Yeah, the '5 year older woman', been there...twice...failed miserably.

Their level of maturity is equal to a 7 year old monkey from the Amazon.

 

Next time, I want a puppy!

 

Abandonment, co-dependency, guilt, loneliness, sadness...yeah, that's me.

Better having these temporary feelings than lowering my standards, though. No way I could accept another lie from her.

 

I'll see how I'm going to feel next month, I'm hoping for the best.

 

Thanks, guys.

[TheEndComplete]

The forced dumper is still wrapped up in the the other person, but forced to leave the situation because you are unhappy. And still left with Could haves, Would haves and Should haves, like a dumpee.

 

I felt exactly the same way. I had to bring up the breakup chat with my ex girlfriend both times we broke up, but not because I wanted to. I had to bring it up because things obviously weren't going to change and she wasn't going to address any of the issues.

 

You are missing the feelings of being "in a realtionship" or " having someone in your life".......I don't think its the ex you miss, but more the idea of being in a relationship and loving someone and having them love you back.

 

It is a classic symptom of abandonment, mixed with a side order of co-dependency.

 

I deal with the same things. The first step is realizing that it's not the person themselves that you miss. This is something I still struggle with, months after the breakup. I would highly recommend "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I don't often find "self-help" books very useful, but this one is, for the most part, spot on.

[Never2Late]

I can't deal with the fact that she managed to move on so easily, that she found someone else to replace me after only few weeks...leaving me with hopes of reconciliation.

 

After all she said...this is what she really does, her true self.

 

I am struggling to accept this. And I have many "could have's" and "should have's" in my mind now.

 

They're tormenting me, torturing me.

 

What happened to the feelings?! How can they just disappear?!

 

It's a nightmare, I just want to wake up.

[secondchance67]

N2L,

Wake up from the nightmare and realize this is what it is: she has moved on

 

This is a natural progressin in the post BU period; some move on quickly...some don't...but the fact remains, that sooner or later, they all move on.

 

Where is the most important person factoring into this?

 

Where is that most important person?

 

That most important person is YOU.

 

YOU.

 

Always has been, always will be....YOU.

 

Your relationship was turbulent, rocky, maybe even described as toxic relationship by your own admission.

Let her go.

Let her go find someone new to torment, torture and breakdown.

 

let her go do whatever she wants with whomever she wants.

 

Let her go.

Let her go be the person she really is; the one she will hide from the new guy, until he gets a taste of it, and finds himself on websites similiar to this one searching for answers as to why he cant seem to satisfy her, there is constant friction and issues and heartache, all for the honor of being in her life.

 

See what you are missing out on?

 

More of the same that you got the full btunt of while struggling to keep it together with her for far too long.

 

YOU AR NOT DEFINED BY THIS ONE PERSON...NOT NOW... NOT EVER.

 

Don't worry about where her feeling went; they most likely were never as deep as yours were, from what I have read in your posts, and what we have PM about, she has BPD, and we both know you will forever be fighting a losing battle.....you cant save her, fix her, or make her better.....that is in her hands and her hands only my friend.

 

We all have moments where we break down question everything, because the pain overrides our logic, lettinf emotions creep back in making it all a blurry confusing mess in your head.....i have posted TWICE in a week now, expressing just how vunerable I am feeling, how I am still feeling the same stuff, questioning it all, over and over.

 

Pull back and REALLY look at this...is it your co-dependency pulling your strings? Your abandonment issues calling the shots?

 

Replace emotions with logic.......you will see this for what it is:

 

You are not missing HER - you are missing the feeling the chemicals in your head make you feel, ANYONE can release those chemicals for you - a new love interest can give you the same "high", causing the same euphoric feelings of love and contentment......the attachment is still to HER, so you associate the loss of those feelings with her moving on and being gone.

 

You can rationalize this away....but the fact remains its the co-dep that is reeking havoc in your head and with your emotions.

[Never2Late]

Thanks, secondchance67.

 

No, I don't miss her. Why would I miss such a miserable woman?!

 

No, I don't love her anymore. I just feel disgust and hatred towards her.

 

I don't even feel 'abandoned' anymore, I have 'me' to support 'me'.

 

But I also have values, morals and respect towards someone whom I shared part of my life with. I cherish the good time spent with her. I respect the loss of the relationship and the woman I was in love with, the woman whom I planned my future with.

 

The thought that I'm not getting the same level of respect is the issue here. It has always been, hence the breakup.

 

I must say that I'm not surprised. It still hurts, though.

[secondchance67]

Thanks, secondchance67.

 

No, I don't miss her. Why would I miss such a miserable woman?!

 

No, I don't love her anymore. I just feel disgust and hatred towards her.

 

I don't even feel 'abandoned' anymore, I have 'me' to support 'me'.

 

But I also have values, morals and respect towards someone whom I shared part of my life with. I cherish the good time spent with her. I respect the loss of the relationship and the woman I was in love with, the woman whom I planned my future with.

 

The thought that I'm not getting the same level of respect is the issue here. It has always been, hence the breakup.

 

I must say that I'm not surprised. It still hurts, though.

 

 

Respect isn't in her vocabulary...neither is loyalty, morals, character or fidelity.

 

It will hurt, for as long as you allow it to.

 

IT WILL HURT FOR AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO.

 

You are in control of that - how long you wallow in it, and how quickly you face it, conquer it, and get past it.

 

As far as not loving her anymore, well I would take another look at that.....love isn't that easy to "turn off"...your response may be fueled by your anger and "hatred" you say you are feeling.

 

My ex was a MONSTER...did horrible things, cheated, lied, dumped me like I was yesterday's newspaper after 6 years....and i still love her, some 3 months out.

 

Hate and anger are good things to feel TEMPORARILY if they help you move on and past the hurt....but they can be just as destructive to your pysche and well being as the agonizing heartbreak and loss of love....be careful, the negative emotions can be a slippery slope, to say the least.....they tend to be more visceral, easier to "act on" ....and harder to come back from if you slip up, call, break NC, and use that anger and hate to fuel your actions.

 

I personally believe forgiveness and lndifference, all be it hard to accomplish or even think about right now, are the healthier options for anyone long term.....I am not a hypocrite...I am not even CLOSE to getting there, but hey, a guy can dream, right?

[triste0508]

Thanks, secondchance67.

 

 

But I also have values, morals and respect towards someone whom I shared part of my life with. I cherish the good time spent with her. I respect the loss of the relationship and the woman I was in love with, the woman whom I planned my future with.

 

The thought that I'm not getting the same level of respect is the issue here. It has always been, hence the breakup.

 

I must say that I'm not surprised. It still hurts, though.

 

same here man !!!

but i learned that people act different after a break up...some will seek for a health and peaceful resolution other

like your ex and mine seek a toxic way of dealing with it....who's right only the future will tell us...

[Never2Late]

I personally believe forgiveness and lndifference, all be it hard to accomplish or even think about right now, are the healthier options for anyone long term.....I am not a hypocrite...I am not even CLOSE to getting there, but hey, a guy can dream, right?

 

Indifference. This is the only feeling that can help me cope. It's very difficult to be indifferent towards someone whom you were intimate with. All the plans, the dreams, the future, it’s all gone.

 

I can't seem to find the "love switch", that button women push when they leave. When they think you are not worth their time anymore, when they need to be with someone else who will do just what they want, a doormat. And so on.

 

How can you forgive yourself? How can you forget someone you love(d)? I see myself as a good person, with feelings. I live on emotions, I cry watching a sad movie. I see the stars when it's dark, I see the colours of the rainbow, I stop and smell the flowers. But this, I can't do this. I couldn’t see this coming. I can't forget, I can't just erase part of my life. Especially when you think (and feel) that the lessons you need to learn are more appropriate for your "once lover" and not for yourself.

 

It's an unbearable feeling, a mysterious internal gap, the emptiness, the living in a limbo, in no man's land. I want to walk over a nonexistent bridge, from where I am now to where I want to go...but it seems to be so difficult, your destination that once was is now no longer there.

 

You thought you got it right this time, you thought you found the one. You felt “whole” with a “whole”. The connection seemed to be unbreakable. The love, intense.

 

Now, all gone. The whole left feels shattered. Ambitions and goals have changed. Dreams and hopes, vanished.

 

A new life, a new chapter. A clean slate. The light at the end of the tunnel is a small dot for me.

 

This dark passenger wants to get out and find its purpose. Alone.

[doyathink]

Not all women are capable of doing that....if its real love, you cant just turn it off like that. It takes time to fall in love, and it takes time to fall out of love. I dont care what anyone says.....you cant just turn it off.

 

Those who can walk out of your life with ease, are not still in love with you. They may still have love for you....but thats not the same. Its hard as f*** to walk out of a relationship when youre still in love.

 

Rebounding and sleeping with other right after a break up is how some ppl get over, or cope, with their break up. It helps them forget YOU! I cant do that...most ppl cant, but there are those who do.

 

I get angry when I think about the plans, the dreams, the security he led me to believe were real! I thought he was my last....my forever. You cant just forget what you were conditioned to believe in your heart was true.

 

What choice are you left with, but to go forward? But forward takes time. Every new day feels like yesterday did..until one day, when you wake up....the future will be yours again.

[Fraggle]

So so true I cant find the switch either. My heart is still bleeding after 7 weeks post BU. I've been good and not contacted her but I still have a massive gap and no matter what I do it is there. Today i have almost started convincing myself that it was all my fault for some reason that it didn't work. Maybe that makes it easier for me to deal with. It has been another long day (I hate weekends right now) and I'm exhausted of thinking about her and maybe I did expect too much of her, but equally she always was a distant soul. Ahhhhh who knows I just want to try and feel normal once more but I know that my heart can't forget 9 years without tsking a long time to heal. I don't know what she is ding right now and cant even imagine her w someone else and hope she takes time to look at herself for her own good.

 

I hope you all heal quickly and when you're ready to do so

[pietro5266]

@Never2Late, you're not being a primadonna. In fact, sounds like you're not only dealing with the sadness from the breakup, but also some poor behavior from family and friends, so that will make the sadness and anxiety worse, because it makes you feel even more isolated.

 

No matter how bad the relationship was, how much you realize that breaking-up was for the best, it still sucks to be alone -- at least at first, until you get back to remembering that being alone is OK and normal. I'm going through the same exact thing right now -- lousy ex, now alone and anxious. If the anxiety is really bad and/or lasts a long time, strange_* may be right -- you should look at the possibility of codependency.

[strange_]

Never2Late, in my experience guys tend to be the one who can do the whole 'turning off the love switch!'