Jealous of having to share my flirting

[Brian_Damage]

Unusual situation which is why I think I need some advice.

 

There is a girl at work I flirt with, we're both married and both agree that it's just fun and isn't going anywhere. It's very raunchy and we've both said that we don't flirt like this with anyone else (except our other halves) and anything else we do with other people is just messing about.

 

However, I cannot handle it at all when she flirts with other men and I have just found out she flirts just as badly with this particular other guy as she does with me, even using the same lines she's used with me!! (The grapevine is a wonderful thing)

 

We usually flirt over Email and Yahoo Messenger, and I know she has this other guy in her list. I've also caught sight of the fact she's messaging him (which she's said it's just chatting about work, there's nothing in it) so I know she talks to him. When I sit there and know she's telling him all the same things as me it's like a kick in the stomach every time.

 

The problem I have is not that I want her to stop, I don't have that right as we're both fully entitled to do whatever we want. What I want to do is try and stop myself feeling this way and accept that she is entitled to flirt like this with other men. I'm feeling a bit betrayed that she lied to me about what they say, but that's obviously my fault for finding out as she was likely doing it not to hurt my feelings.

 

All I want to do now is accept she does it, stay friends and move on but when I hear her typing away knowing she's talking dirty to this guy on messenger it just makes me so angry. I know I'm the one who is out of order here, but at the end of the day I just want the feelings to stop.

 

Would welcome any advice!

[sonjam]

you are very selfcentered.

I wonder how you would feel if you knew another guy had the feelings you have for this girl, and they had it about your WIFE, remember?? the one you made your vows to??

 

Feeling posesive (because that is what it is, jealousy) over this girl is the first step to cheating. The only thing that has to follow is the physical, and it is easier than you think. Cheating with your heart and mind is far worse than with your body.

 

The girl at your office sound like a tramp, flirting with anyone and everyone, while ALSO having a spouse at home. Shame on you!

[Brian_Damage]

you are very selfcentered.

I wonder how you would feel if you knew another guy had the feelings you have for this girl, and they had it about your WIFE, remember?? the one you made your vows to??

 

Feeling posesive (because that is what it is, jealousy) over this girl is the first step to cheating. The only thing that has to follow is the physical, and it is easier than you think. Cheating with your heart and mind is far worse than with your body.

 

The girl at your office sound like a tramp, flirting with anyone and everyone, while ALSO having a spouse at home. Shame on you!

 

Of course I am selfcentred, is this not the crux of many aspects of jealousy? My question is NOT whether I am going to cheat or have problems with my wife, which I do not.

 

I should have expected this type of response.. the issue is not my feelings for my wife, or indeed hers for her husband. We are a very happy couple and I personally enjoy the excitement of flirting, which my wife is aware of. My marriage is very strong and we have ultimate trust with eachother and if another man wanted to flirt like this with my wife, I would not have a problem with it. I didn't feel it was relevant to explain *why* I am flirting, only the situation I am in.

 

I know I am in the wrong, and wish to resolve the situation, my question is the best way to let go of this and let us both move onto other things.

 

I must say I was disappointed by your reply, from the title of this forum I thought I would find help, however to you it clearly seems I AM alone in this.

[sonjam]

don't feel alone. There is lot's of people here who, Im sure will give you the advice and support you need.

 

As for me, I had to get that off my chest. I've also been the girl a "happy husband" had an affair with, which started out all inocently at work. Issues, Issues.

 

 

[Brian_Damage]

Yeah, sorry for the terse reply.. It's hard to explain how I do not have *any* marital issues in this situation, I am not looking for an affair nor wish to have a loving relationship with anyone other than my wife.

 

This is simply a question of how I deal with the jealousy of 'someone else feeding my cat'. (For want of a better phrase!!)

[WishMistress]

The best way to get over this is to stop doing it. If you don't want to feel possessiveness or jealousy then don't flirt with her. I know it sounds simpler than it is, but really that is the answer.

[Brian_Damage]

Aha, way ahead of you.. I have stopped, I stopped a couple of days ago, and she's happy with it (I simply said that I needed to move on and concentrate on things).

 

So as it stands, we're not flirting at all, but remaining good friends however I get the pangs when I hear her typing and giggling to herself knowing it's doing what we used to, with this other guy. Something she is clearly PERFECTLY entitled to do, especially now as I have cut it out.. the problem is that it just really riles me! Selfish? Yep, Daft? Yep.. do I want to be like this, Noooo.

 

I am *so* aware of the situation I have made for myself and understand the kind of girl she is to so easily transfer her affections (The amount of things I've told myself to build myself up is untrue, they just never 'stick'), but I just so want to have the same attitude she does, i.e. it doesn't bother me.

[Brian_Damage]

I know it is childish and silly, but sometimes it makes you feel better. Sort of like a "take that b*itch!"

 

*slap on hand* I will never give someone advice and support like that again!!!

 

 

I must admit I have never changed my opinion of someone so rapidly in a forum.. that made me laugh

 

I don't think she's doing it on purpose.. you know when you just get that kind of feeling? I know trusting that I know her has gone right out the window now, but it just doesn't seem that way.

 

As for the retalliation, unfortunately I don't know if that's going to work *precisely* beause of the kind of woman she is, it's not going to bother her if I do it. It's tempting, as I love revenge as much as the next guy, but I don't know if I want to get tied up in a game of 'mines bigger than yours'..

 

That said, she has got a little green when she knew I was flirting a little with other women. Hmm.

[xmrth]

I completely agree with wishmistress:

 

Just stop. Because eventually, you wont feel like you need that flirtatious attention only shared between you and her. It will take a little bit, but you'll get over it, and you'll feel alot better.

[squarepeg]

I think the real question here is why do you feel possesive over someone who isnt yours?

 

If flirting was just innocent fun, why get pangs of jealousy and feel pain over it? I'm betting you felt special because she was giving you that particular type of attention and now you realise that she does it with everyone. (I'm sure it doesnt stop with this one guy, it didnt stop with you, so why should it). Problem is that most readers will have is getting passed the fact that your a married man, and married men generally shouldn't be getting jealous over flirty co-workers, however stable there marriage may be.

 

So I leave you with this, why would you feel special because someone was raunchy with you? Is there something lacking in your marriage that makes you want to have this sort of attention lavished on you, and yet feel so awful when its not special.

 

If you want it to be special, find otu why you cant get that thrill from your wife.

[Brian_Damage]

I can see where you're coming from Squarepeg, and completely agree with everything you've said.

 

The stupid thing is that there isn't anything lacking in my marriage, we're great together, the sex is good, she's funny, warm and caring. I love her completely and always will. Unfortunately all I seem to see around is a very common approach that apparently I can't have any other emotions or feeling unless they're directed at my wife. Obviously this is never the case because I'm a human being and if my mind tells me something then it tells me something, I can't get away from me .

 

Inherently I'm a very possesive person and I think this is being applied here because, as you say, I thought I was special and I have just found out I'm not. But I don't want to necessarily *avoid* the situation, I just don't want to feel the anger anymore. I just want to accept this as the way it is, but need to know what I can do to make myself feel less possesive and jealous.

[sonjam]

Letting go of feelings of possesiveness and jealousy must be one of the hardest things in life to do. You realise you have a problem, but fixing it is entirely another ballgame.

 

I had a very posesive boyfriend. He would not allow me to wear tops with spageti straps, no shorts, or shirts with buttons in the front. (he thought everyone was forever trying to peek into my shirts). Of course I loved him so the "allow" bit is what I allowed him to do to me. Anyway, I eventually by a lot of talking got him to see he's being unreasonable. We tried to work on it by him letting me wear a very respectable, but sleeveless shirt around the house, when it was just the two of us. It was hard, but he managed, until a neighbour, our parents, or anyone else showed up. He would close up like a shut book, and get nasty to me instantly. It got so bad, I would go to our room and change into "more appropriate" attire. The only way I got out of that relationship is becouse he died in a motorbike crash 3 x years ago. Im not saying I wanted out, I know it was unhealthy, but he was very adictive.....

 

the strength of emotions where there is jealousy envolved knows no bounds......

[Brian_Damage]

It seems to be in this case, time is a good healer.. I'm spending some time away from her and the more I tell myself the supidity of what happened, the more I come to terms with the kind of woman she is.

 

She is also being a very bad 'friend' as well, so it's making it easy to distinguish where I stood in this.

 

Hopefully this will work out.