1st breakup, and it sucks. period.

[OofarfalleoO]

A little background: My boyfriend broke up with me a little more than a month ago. We dated for a few months three years ago, and then were together again for the last year. He's the only one i've ever been with. We had a very very emotionally mature relationship.  I always thought that a break up wasn't as big of a deal as people made it to be, but it's really taken its toll on me.

 

The deal is that he is going to school for journalism and he's going into his last year of college. This summer he had an internship that seemed to just change his whole frame of mind about his future. He has been really scared about his future in this career and the internship made him realize that this really is his dream.  After he graduates he will either be going to grad school or moving away to get a job in journalism, since you have to have at least 5 yrs experience to work in a big city like i live in on the east coast.  So basically one of his reasons for breaking up with me is that he really just doesn't want to be held back from some major decisions he has to make about his future, and be influenced just by me being in his life.  He knows that I have a passion for what i do to (i'm in college for art) and that I would never want anything to get in my way, and so he realizes that I would never go against or hold him back from doing what he has to do.  But i guess he feels held back anyways.

The other thing is that he says he just doesn't feel the same way about me as he did, and he knows that I'm not the one for him (which, even at 21, he seems to be on a quest for).  He feels that he can't grow anymore in this relationship and he doesn't want to drag it out if his full heart isn't in it b/c thats not fair for me.  we talked one final time in person two days after he said he wanted to break up with me, just for some closure, and the hard part is that I understand where he's coming from. I know he can't help how he feels.  I know that we weren't on the road to getting married or anything, and i knew that we probably weren't even going to last all that much longer b/c our life styles are so different, but just the shock and rejection hurts a lot.  He gave me NO hints or signs at all.  I feel like I have a great intuition and usually pick up on people pretty easily, but I got no vibe from him whatsoever.  He broke up with me after i got back from spending a week in florida with my family. he said he needed that time to think everything through and not be jaded by my presense.  We never ever got into a fight, we both had our own lives with school and friends and did our own thing.  we just seemed so comfortable and good in our relationship.  we had a real connection and I really loved him for who he is..i really wasn't too into him when we started dating again, which makes it harder b/c i really really grew to love the person he is, no lust or infatuation like it usually is at first.  the other hard part is that when we talked in person about it, he had nothing bad to say about me.  He said some of the nicest things to me that anyones ever said and said that I didn't do anything wrong at all, which is why this was so hard for him to do.

     So thats basically the story, as brief as i can make it.

     I guess if we were to break up, it couldn't have been any better, considering the respect and sincerity that was exchanged.  Its just that right now I feel really lost.  I hate that he's the last thing i think of when i go to bed, and the first thing i think of when i wake up. he's constantly constantly constantly  in my mind and i absolutely hate it.  I've been doing things with friends, and trying to get out as much as i can for my life to go on, but it's still very hard and painful. 

     I feel very rejected and feel like how could someone that seemed to care so much for me just cut me out of his life.  I feel in a way that every thing he's ever said to me, cards/poems  he's given me where all lies.  I don't understand how one can fall so quickly out of love.

     I also feel like i can't keep in touch with him b/c it'll be too painful and hard to move forward, but i don't know if that the right choice, because we have been friends for a few years before we started dating a little more than a year ago.  I don't know if i should just cut him out of my life even though he was so important to me for so long.

  My feeling are so raw and real to me right now and i'm actually going through something i've never been through before.  Our whole relationship was so mature and even the breakup was so mature.  It's hard that i can't just say that I hate him, because he's only showered me with love and compliments.  I poured so much heart and gave so much of myself in this relationship, and maybe it was naive of me, but i guess i've just always been an all- or-nothing kind of person.   I know they say that time heals everything, which i'm a firm believer in, but right now i just can't even see that day when i'll be over all of this.

 

I guess what i'm really searching for is an outside perspective of all of this...even though of course you can only go by what you read. i hope this gives a thorough enough understanding of the type of relationship i was in.

Right now we're both in school, and although i'm not tempted to pick up the phone and call him, we both leave our AIM up, which is so horrible, b/c i know he's literally a click away and it would be so easy to just im him to say hi. he said that he understands if i hate him right now, but if i ever want to talk to him, he'll always be there for me. i feel like i want to im him in the worse way, but i don't know what my motive is. i don't know if i just want the attention and feeling that i'm not rejected ( a feeling that i've honestly never had to deal with in my life). i don't know if it'll make me upset or help me move on.

 

thank you for taking the time to read this. any advice is greatly appreciated.

[ForAnother]

Reading your post was very imformative for me. I did what your ex kinda did. I mean I just went to college and threw away 1 year of my life essentially by just telling her its not going to work. I had her convinced that it would last, but I realized it was harder than I thought (maybe its cuz i didn't want to be spending my life on the phone). But the way we broke up wasn't anger, and its hard to cope with because I still care for her like crazy. I cry most nights, thinking what I have done. I still wish i could show her all my love, and give her all I ahve to give, but i feel like I can't fullfill it long distance.

 

So you and I are going through a similar situation, and I don't know how to cope with it. Its been almost 3 weeks now since it happened. I think about her all the time. It kinda makes me happy to think of her. I couldn't cut her off out of my life if my life depended on it. She is someone I will always have on my mind, and I am glad she has been there in my life. I hope we will be ok later on in time.

 

I hate breaking up, but for some reason I love crying... it just feels good.

 

ForAnother

[lost_puppy]

Sounds like you're dealing with it very maturely, although no matter how rational your brain is, you can't control your feelings. Sounds like you understand that the relationship has to end, so let it end and take some time to heal (yes, time does heal all, please be patient!! ). For many people, No Contact works really well to heal. If you don't feel the need to talk to him, then turn off the IM for a while and let your emotions settle. Then you'll be in a lot better position to start talking to him again. Sounds like you're really good friends, so hopefully after a little time apart you can renew that friendship.

 

I feel very rejected and feel like how could someone that seemed to care so much for me just cut me out of his life. I feel in a way that every thing he's ever said to me, cards/poems he's given me where all lies. I don't understand how one can fall so quickly out of love.

Last words ... nothing he told you was a lie! I'm sure he meant everything he said, and that he still has strong feelings for you, but realizes that this relationship is not what he wants. It's difficult, but I think you should let him go, heal, and come back after a while with a fresh perspective...

 

Good luck!

LP

[OofarfalleoO]

Thank you for reading my long saga and for sharing all your thoughts. i think just knowing that we aren't the only ones is healing in itself.

ForAnother...the hard part is that we didn't have a phone relationship while in college, b/c we go to college in the same city so we saw each other everyweekend. i think if it was an only-phone-type relationship, it wouldn't have fulfilled my needs and thus, i probably would have ended it for that reason alone...long distance relationships just usually don't work. i hope we both find peace by going through the hard times and become stronger and more enlightened people.