How do I get over jealously? I don't see my feelings as completely unjustified..

[gabriella777]

I've been with my current bf for 3 months now.

He has a lot of female friends (well, basically, ONLY female friends). This doesn't bother me.

 

There tends to be just one girl I'm really jealous of. They are best friends and he keeps on calling her his "best friend". They do spend a lot of time together, they see each other almost every day, if not, at least 4 days out of the week. (I should add here that both me and my bf are students in university).

Yesterday night when me and my bf were sleeping, she called him at 1:30am, crying. It was a personal issue that he told me about and I understand she wanted to talk to a friend at that point.

After that, we were both awake and my bf kept on kissing me for quite a while and telling me that he loves me over and over again.

 

The three of us have hanged out together quite a few times and last time we were together, at some point he got really emotional again and started kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. I don't understand why this tends to happen so much when we are around her maybe it's just me and I've only noticed it with her, I'm not sure.

 

He used to fancy her and wanted to go out with her in the past which makes me jealous, but according to him, it was just the "familiarity effect". (He was also in love with another friend for 2 years or so who turned out to be gay, but I don't seem to be jealous of her at all). The thing is that this girl has also had some depression and anxiety and my bf tends to be her "crying shoulder".

 

Added to that, he tends to hug her a lot.

Today they're going out together to some event by a uni society and I'm stuck at home because I'm really ill and yes, I feel jealous! I can't help it; I will be waiting for him here doing nothing and he'll be out with her.

 

I realise he's not doing anything wrong, but I can't help how I feel!

One last piece of information I should add is that I tend to blame my ex's actions and comments for my insecurities and jealously. He cheated on me and used to make really insensitive comments in order to make me jealous. Also, once my current bf made a comment which I found hurtful. The three of us were in her flat and I was playing about with her guitar, trying to tune it and suddenly he put his arm around her shoulder and told directly to me "be jealous".

I spoke to him about it and apparently he meant it as a joke and I should "be jealous" of their friendship. But I interpreted another way, especially with him putting his arm around her!

 

Even if that was the case, I hate "jokes" like that and I told him. He seems to be very understand of that, thankfully.

 

Are my feelings unjustified? Even if not, I have to get over them, right?

[SuperDuper]

I'd say they are justified. Besides... who needs to justify NATURAL feelings. To answer your second question, yes... you have to get over them (that is if you want a healthy relationship with this guy).

 

There's absolutely nothing you can do to stop him from seeing her as a friend, and any attempt to stop this will likely push him away from you. So just don't go that path.

 

Perhaps you're noticing these jealous feelings because you don't have a lot of other things occupying your thoughts these days. You said you're just waiting around for him to return... why not read a book, watch a movie, do some homework, etc... something to occupy your thoughts.

 

It basically comes down to TRUST. You can't put a GPS on him and watch his every step, nor can you question his motives everytime he goes out with her. You have to trust that he is with you because he wants to be. You were honest when his "be jealous" comment affected you and he assured you he understood. If this were to happen again (in another context perhaps) then I'd say you should start having a serious discussion. However, this isn't the case and I think you need to tell yourself (and believe it) that he is with you. If he didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't be... or at least he'd be giving signs (which doesn't seem so).

 

Why don't you try and break the routine of seeing him? Perhaps go off the radar for a few days and then plan something fun for the two of you. If he realizes you're fun and have a life outside of him (that he's lucky enough to be involved in occassionally) I think he won't bat an eye at other gals.

 

Keep your chin up, this is likely all in your head because of your past relationship(s). Don' let the past negatively affect the future, it isn't fair to you or anybody you encounter.

 

Good luck

[RitaTrue]

I agree with SuperDuper^ Good words he gave.

 

I especially like this advice: "Get a life outside of him."

Why don't you try and break the routine of seeing him? Perhaps go off the radar for a few days and then plan something fun for the two of you. If he realizes you're fun and have a life outside of him (that he's lucky enough to be involved in occassionally) I think he won't bat an eye at other gals.

 

People act differently when they think they're your whole world versus when they know they're only a PIECE of it. Broaden your horizons: go out. Do you-things.

 

It's easy to get sucked into a person when you're still in the honey moon stage of dating. But DO get out the bubble. It's good for your relationship.

 

 

Plus SuperDuper is right, you'll have to tolerate the girl. If you can't tolerate her, you'll need to leave the relationship. Friendships like that come in a combo in relationships: you cant have one without the other.

[gabriella777]

thanks to both of you

 

your comments were comforting and reassuring.

 

I do think that this is all in my head; I still can't help feeling this way and I realise it's my feelings I need to deal with.

We do seem to be spending A LOT of our time together and maybe your advice of "getting a life outside of him" is a good one. Though, we still are in that "honey moon" stage and we still can't get enough of each other. Plus, I don't think he bats an eye at other girls anyway.

But I do realise that if I stop spending so much time with him, I might also feel less jealous.

 

Thank you

[Tia Emma]

I wouldn't even call this jealousy. At some point, there is simply not enough of him to go around. We only have 24 hours in a day, and besides sleeping and work/school, a person's free time is limited. Imagine if a father spends a lot of time with a female friend (say, 4 evenings a week), instead of spending time with his children when he comes home from work, would you still say the children are simply jealous and need to get over it? Ok I know the comparison is extreme, but when a man spends more time with a female friend than with you, what relationship do you really have? Yes, you should be occupied with things of your own, but that's not addressing the problem which isn't that you're clingy, right? If he sees her every night, and you're keeping busy with your life so you only see him once a week, then can you still claim he is realistically your bf?

[gabriella777]

In comparison, I spend much more time with him than she does. I do see him much more, though I know if for some days she saw him more than me, I'd get really jealous. They used to study together a lot in the library and I'd get jealous when he spent much of the day in the library with her, but at the end of the day we'd spent all night together. I know that if he spends more time with her than me, then it'd become a serious problem. But it's not like that right now and I really hope it never gets to that stage.

[gabriella777]

There is something else that is slightly worrying me.

 

My bf goes out with her A LOT. And he used to have feelings for her. Sometimes I feel like just because she only sees him as a friend, he just "settled" for me, but really he'd prefer her instead. The two of them spending so much time together makes me see her a "danger" because he might develop feelings for her again or he might never got over his feelings in the first place.

 

Is this something I'd have to speak to him about? I really feel bad talking to him about my jealously all the time because it's not something that he or myself feel particularly good about.

[Batya33]

I don't think she should call him late at night unless it's a life/death emergency. She needs to call other friends to cry to at that time. He should tell her that those are his boundaries.