I feel so jealous and betrayed and heartbroken(;.:)!

[tiliquagirl]

Firstly, this is kind of long so if you don't want to read the whole thing then just give your opinions on this question ok, HOW CAN I STOP BEING SO JEALOUS???

I just turned 18 in February and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best friend before we were going out. He went on a holiday to meet his penpal last week and everything was fine before he was left and then when he got back he said that he just wanted to be best friends because we had more fun as best friends... Well actually he didn't say it straight out. As soon as he got back he went and rang his penpal and talked to her for an hour and didn't say much to me until later in the night when he started saying that as my boyfriend he felt obligated to see me but as my best friend he would actually want to see me and he always thought of me and more of a best friend than a girlfriend. When he was talking to his penpal he told her that he had a girlfriend (he never wanted to tell her because he thought that she wouldn't talk to him anymore... pretty crappy excuse?!) but for no reason he decided to tell her when he got back, it was like he had a guilty conscience. Then all night he was talking about how good it would be to be best friends and he asked me if I wanted to keeping going out or be best friends. I would ask him what he wanted and he said "I'm happy if you're happy" so I would say that I wanted to keep going out. Then he would ask me the same question half an hour later and I swear he must have asked me the same question 15 times in 12 hours. So the next day at about 7pm we went for a walk and it was plainly obvious that he didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore so we broke up. Then he went home and at about 10.30pm I was feeling a bit sad and I wanted to talk to him but he was on the phone to his penpal for 3 and a half hours until 3am telling her that he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. Is it just me or does he have a crush on her? He wants to be best friends and I want to be best friends too because I don't want to lose him out of my life but I can't stop being jealous of his penpal and I'm scared that when he does decide to get another girlfriend that I won't be able to handle it. He's going to visit his penpal for a week in July and then she's coming to stay here in September and it's making me so jealous, how can I stop being so jealous? It's driving me crazy!!!! Does all these horrbile sad feelings ever go away ?

[gracie]

I know exactly how you feel. It's tough when the person you're with seems to have moved on and just expects you to get over it. I've been moved on from more times than I care to mention and none of them would have been so heartbreaking if he'd just talked to me.

 

It would have been sad, but at least knowing he cared enough to inform me about what was going on in his head would have made me feel more significant.

 

Sounds to me like your ex was contemplating this long before he made you aware. Maybe even kept it from you in case he and this penpal didn't click? That's just speculation based on what I read. It's certain that he's feeling a bit guilty and looking for your approval for him to move on so he can fee less bad about it.

 

I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did for you. The only thing that's helped me get over it is time and a lot of it.

[PaRaDoX]

Aww, my heart goes out to you, but I agree with what "gracie" said... sounds like he has been thinking about this for awhile. However, you shouldn't feel like you aren't good enough for him, which may then result to you thinking you aren't good enough for anyone, cause it isn't true. It's just the way life goes... it's hard, anyone would be lucky to have you, I'm sure. The pain will go away... it's a transition you have to go thru, and you guys can be bestfriends, eventually, but maybe having some space is a good idea. Nonetheless, (cause I have jealousy issues myself and I tend to do this), but try not to obsess yourself with him or the situation cause it will make you crazy (believe me!)... go out with the girls or somethin, try to keep yourself busy. You'll get thru this, I swear!

 

"This too shall pass," but I understand how hard it must feel and what you are going thru, but it'll all be ok... all in do time. I know that probably sucks as an answer, but it's the truth.

 

Take Care

[tiliquagirl]

I agree with both of you but it just hurts so much and he's been my best friend for 8 years and I would be so loney if we had time apart. What makes it hurt more though is that he said I was a great girlfriend and I didn't do anything wrong, so then I can't understand why we broke up.

Do you think if I just tried to act happy that I would start feeling it, or is that a bad idea? I just don't know what to do or feel, I'm so confused !

[gracie]

Only your ex knows the real answer as to why he feels the need to move on. You know that you haven't done anything that would make your relationship end. It's hard not having closure and hearing exactly what went wrong, but often you aren't able to have the luxury of knowing unless you end the relationship yourself.

 

Being positive and focusing on the things in your life that make you happy will go a long way. Paradox's advice not to obssess over him is excellent advice. I'm a dweller, myself and it makes the process of getting over much much harder.

 

Realize that it'd only be a good relationship if he was committed to it like you are, so right now it's best that you're apart. If it's meant to be it will be. That's what I always say. If not, there are better things in store for you.

[PaRaDoX]

I agree with Gracie again.

 

And ya know just because he doesn't want to be "with-you with-you" it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, because I can tell that he does very much. And plus 8 years of knowing each other... that's hella long! And you know just because he doesn't love you the way you would probably want him to... it doesn't mean he doesn't love you with everything he's got, ya know what I mean? You didn't do anything wrong, which is why this is not adding up to you, but life is full of surprises. And I've come to learn that "things" sometimes don't EVER go the way they are planned. Not that it's a bad thing, because whatever "it" is and "it" is meant to be, it will always come together in the end. And if it's not OK... well, it's not the end. That's the way I see things anyway. Life is full of surprises and I don't know if that's such a bad thing, because GOOD GOD it really opens your eyes to most things and really makes you learn... well, from my experience anyway. I'm shocked every single day or overwhelmed by something or EVERYTHING for that matter. Everything is a miracle it's just I think when we think of miracles we think of this HUGE things, when it simply could be a leaf falling off a tree or how grass grows or how a baby can talk... ahh EVERYTHING..... sorry went on a tangent there (hehe)... but...

 

You will be ok, I swear.

 

PS... I wouldn't pretend anything, just be you!

 

byez

[JiN]

all very good advice so far. i was in a similar situation to you actually, but worse. my ex-g/f of 3 years just one day told me that she thinks of me more as a brother than a b/f. we were deeply in love, planned out the marriage, career, kids, etc. it didn't even hurt that much when she wanted to end it...what really hurt was when she moved on without me. now some a$$hole is banging the woman i loved and at times just crushes my soul thinking about it. but you have to move on knowing you're not alone in your pain.

 

day by day i just got myself focused off of that experience and in time have come to feel better about it. time really will help heal the wound, but only if you let it. what i think is somewhat of a miracle PaRadox is how there's always at least thousands of other people on the planet feeling exactly what you are at the same moment. don't take the experience too personally, itz all part of being human and in love