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I think I need some words of encouragement for the inevitable break-up talk

rustynails

By rustynails
in Breaking Up Advice

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rustynails Newbie

rustynails

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First I was wrecked about my thoughts and feelings. I have been in my relationship for almost three years, we have lived together for almost two, and I feel it's time for me to move on. I love her, but I have concluded that she is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now I am worried about the talk. I am scared to hurt her, and I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I was thinking I need to do it sooner rather than later, but our schedules aren't very friendly this weekend, and I feel I owe it to her to break the news on a weekend so she has time to take it in before having to go back to work. How can I do this confidently, and with dignity? I feel so bad about it

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rustynails Newbie

rustynails

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I'm 26, she's 32. And to be honest, I just feel all of the intimacy both physical and emotional has disappeared over the last few months. I also have been trying to see a future with her in it, but I can't. I don't see her as someone I want to have children with. Otherwise I'm confused about the whole thing too. I've heard some try to refer to it as the grass is greener syndrome, but I don't see that at all in regards to my feelings with why I feel I must do this. Any other Q's Let me know

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90_hour_sleep Experienced

90_hour_sleep

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it's tough.

 

ask yourself what you'd appreciate from someone if the tables were turned. most people appreciate honesty on some level. even when they're wrapped up in an emotional whirlwind...they appreciate that you value them enough to be honest...that you have enough integrity to look them in the eye. it's one of those things that probably won't matter much in the actual moment. but at some point down the line there's always some recognition. unless she's checked out herself, there's really not much you can do to spare her feelings. there is no easing the blow.

 

it sounds cold...but you're not responsible for her feelings...not accountable. you don't have control over that...and any attempt to find control is folly.

 

you obviously don't want to hurt her. she'll know that on some level.

 

integrity.

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purbit Newbie

purbit

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Having had to do this I always end up giving a bit too much 'space' mid way through the proceedings. Never give them hope of a future together at all, or friendship or anything. "Maybe in 6 months we can try it again" if they say that, say no, that under no circumstances do you want to.

 

Its hard I know but you really really really have to be stern in this situation, if you give them any tidbit of information then they will obsess over it. Tell her that you don't feel the same way anymore and that you don't see that the two of you have a future, you don't want to hurt her feelings and hate that you are doing this, but you no longer want to be in a relationship.

 

You can allow a little bit of a 'i hate that im doing this' but if you allow yourself to have "i still care for you alot blah blah blah" involved then it will leave doubt in her mind. Be sharp and to the point.

 

Ask her if theres anything she needs to say or ask you before leaving, and discourage contact. Don't say "maybe in a few months we'll catch up", don't suggest friendship. Just leave after you've done it.

 

I also suggest not hugging her goodbye or anything like that, when i've done that it makes it so * * * * ing hard.

 

If you are friends in future will remain to be seen, but any mention of it leaves hope and its really hard. Just say you think its best if you don't be friends, or that you don't really know. Maybe in a years time or something along those lines.

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