Damn It! This is Worst than I Expected!

[Soulfully]

Seriously.... is it worth all this pain? Its been 2 + half months since i was dumped by who i thought was a girl with whom I could truly continue walking through the journey of life, hand in hand.

 

Its been ups and downs all the way through this healing process, and I suppose this is just one of them down days

 

Those far gone memories of a perfect relationship, where she would do so many things for me because SHE wanted to...cos SHE thought she was in love with me. We were open to communicate as much as we could, to work through any possible problems we confronted along the way, to work and work because we knew that this wasnt going to be an easy journey. And her words were clear ... " Im prepared to work for this relationship cos u're the person who's treated me the best i've ever been treated before ... cos ur worth it, cos ur worth the risk". Deep love letters from her where she would spill her guts out, despite not liking to feel vulnerable in front of anyone. She would sit me down in a park and ask me to read the letter that she had written out loud to her to see my reactions! I felt so in love with this girl!

 

I knew she was different right from the start. We both felt strongly attracted to each other, and this attraction perhaps went overblown into a relationship where everything happened to quickly. That was perhaps the great mistake. But damn it, it felt sooo right and beautiful. Things were going so well, until the last week before she dumped me. The typical distancing, that I was starting to smother her, when I believed that we were both still in the honeymoon period. She even made copies of her flat keys for me, expressed her wish for me to start leaving some clothes at her place so she could wash them, and keep them there for whenever I stayed over etc... Then all of a sudden...DUMP!

 

I didnt really do any begging, but i did write her a pretty lengthy letter thanking her for the times we had together, and my wish of being friends with her in the future. That if ever she needed anyone to talk to about her problems, or anything, that I would be there for her to support her.

 

Anyways... its been 2+half months, and I've been on NC except for a couple txt messages to see how she was, and to get my stuff back, which i still havent got. Her responses have been short and cold. Throught mutual friends i got to know that she is doing this so that i can move on and not get hurt with hopes. I also found out that shortly a month or less after dumping me she was starting to see this other guy. And apparently she's very happy and moving on with her life. GREAT hehehe!

 

Anyways... despite this hurtful experience, I'm trying hard to let go with no anger, no remorse, and with peace of mind. Embrace the idea that the one who you used to and still love dearly is happy, be it with whoever she is right now. That she deserves her happiness, and that so do you... and hence we need to move on with our lives and cherish the fact that we are alive and that we will go through ups and downs, fall in love again etc... its the dynamics of life ... the challenges of experience! Live on!

 

I know that many of us still want our exes back, including myself. But we sometimes need to wake up from those dreams and ideas wishing they were back. Lets move on with life, cherish the experience as a great learning curve we have to challenge ourselves to climb up, and that once up there on the great mountains of life, we will be able to breathe fresh air again, and contemplate where our life experiences have taken us ... look into the horizon and see that there is soo much more still to live for!!

 

Life is full of surprises, but we cannot stay still and wait for the surprises since that would defeat the purpose. Who knows what life can bring ... another lover? maybe... your ex back in months or years time? maybe... but what do we need to do.... move on! Since that is when surprises will occur!

 

Thanks for reading! THanks too all posters... this board has and still is helping me a great deal with my healing process! God, or whoever maybe ur omnipotent presense and power, bless you. He/she/it loves you, embrace it and live and love all ur fellow human beings, including ur enemies, and ur exes though hard it may seem

 

Soulfully yours.

Peace

[JohnnyTable]

Fantastic post. I think that both her and yourself are doing the right things with how this is being handled.

[Scout]

Very good post. It sounds like you are realizing at a pretty young age that doggedly trying to pursue someone based on memories of a good relationship isn't necessarily going to bring them back and just keeps you from moving on yourself. Not that I don't espouse some effort in trying to win someone back, but only if they are willing to step to the plate, too.

 

Unfortunately, most of us have experienced relationships that seemed like they had every chance in the world to succeed, only to see them end. It's very painful, not to mention an incredibly rude shock that leaves us with tons of questions. All we can do is try to figure out what we did that contributed to the demise of the relationship, so we don't do it in the next one. (And figure out WHY we do the things we do).

[justtwicethen]

The thoughts of a strong man.

 

 

Im glad you are taking this well. (inside you may be hurting but that is healthy).

 

To lose someone you shared a deep love with...it's very painful.. but I guess when you do fall in love again, it is that much more special.

 

take good care.

[pangarap18x]

It was really cool what you've just said about moving on I just I could do that.. coz' I really like to move on with my life

[Soulfully]

Hey fellow souls....thanks a lot for your replies! Deeply appreciate your comments since they help me to rise step by step in this long healing process.

 

Its hard as we all no doubtedly know and feel. But sometimes we just cant have everything we want in life. And that is one of the challenges we need to face. Bear in mind that we are still so lucky to be able to live and write about our experiences, unlike others in less fortunate situations where other essential necessities come first i.e. hunger, chronic illness etc... So lets embrace what we DO have. That is a key thought in my opinion.

 

Its hard to move on, but we have to understand that if we truly did love someone we have to let them go, not only for them, but for yourself as well. If we truly love someone, we shouldnt need to say that we NEED them or want to be with them above everything. We cant control their feelings and emotions, and if they are not happy with us and dont want to share moments in life with us, then we have to let go. We often feel that we NEED them or DESIRE them, but for who? for us? WE need them to feel happy, to feel complete... for US. True love i believe doesnt work like that. It very hard to understand, and we will all take our lifetime trying to understand such concept of love. But lets be honest...is it because we want them for US, or want them for THEM? Slight difference there, yet i know it may feel confusing. I believe that if we want them for THEM we should embrace and hope for their happiness. Yes...it feels and is hard to do!! i mean..why should be embrace their happiness when they're with somebody else? what about US? why should i feel happy and love someone who is seeing somebody else? that love doesnt reciprocate!! (sp hehe) So what does that tell us? Does love really exist when it is reciprocated? i.e. If i love you, you should love me back.

I believe not.

 

True love is unconditional and universal....its bigger than that. Its probably the driving force and energy of existence.

 

So lets be careful with the many faces of love i.e. infatuation, crush, limerence etc... This is one of the main problems with society today .. we seemed to be brainwashed into believing that true love is the way we see it in movies and stories i.e. the faces of love mentioned before. True love goes far beyond that. So lets engage in this search ... how do we begin? Start by embracing and loving life, since thats where it all begins

 

I love my ex dearly! Dont know whether it will fade one day in years to come... i doubt it. But the difference will be that it will not be the same love that i feel for her now. I will love her as someone very special with whom i shared magical and precious moments... experience from which I have cherished and learnt so much from. Love and Hurt, like the ups and downs of life ... that experience is invaluable.

 

So...thanks ex-girlfriend, I love you and cherish you for those beautiful moments and for helping me, even though hurtfully, appreciate and continue learning and experiencing the most enriching experience in life, Love. God bless you and your life.

 

Soulfully Yours,

Peace.

[Scout]

What you're describing is a bit self-less sounding, and I believe we all deserve to actually get loved back. "True Love" is a subjective term, and people have differing opinions on it. I personally think true love is between two people who both feel it.

 

If someone won't or can't love us, I don't think it's healthy to stay fixated on them because we tell ourselves "my love is unconditional and I don't expect anything back." Because somewhere out there is someone that actually wants to be loved and is willing to love back. If we can experience love, we should seek out situations where it's actually reciprocated. Or else that's a lot of love going to waste, in my opinion.

[Soulfully]

Yes indeed Scout, I do understand what you mean. It does seem to sound kind of self-less what i've been saying.

 

Yes... and true love and unconditional love are big big subjective concepts hehe. I know for sure that I´m still quite fixated on my ex ... i suppose its part of the healing process. What I`m trying to work out and understand in my mind, is that there is nothing I can do about my situation anymore, except to move on. Yet it aint that easy and it seems that the "love" that i feel for her is still omnipresent. It sometimes feels like some unhealthy obsession in my mind, something of which I often feel angry about. I mean, its like damn... wake up... cant u see she has moved on quickly and swiftly, and is happy as ever? Isnt that quite insulting to what you thought she felt for you? Its like...man...wake up and get over her! Your love for her is not mutual anymore, yet it still lingers in me. That is annoying, but after being angry about my pathetic situation, I find that the "love" is still there. So what can i do?

 

Nothing... except to move on...cherish the whole experience and keep living life. As for the love for her... i suppose NC or minimal contact is the way forwards. Hopefully, as time passes and situations change, I will be able to find someone with whom the love will be mutual again. I believe that I will always remember this last ex and will always "love" her, but i suppose that it will be a love of the past, which is very different to the sorta love one feels in a present healthy relationship. Anyways, who really knows! I suppose Im still a little confused in this healing process, but I know I´m getting there bit by bit. As for now... continue moving on step by step, with positivity and eagerness to live life with its ups and downs. I suppose that without the downs, we wudnt appreciate the highs as much as we should ... so i guess its an inevitable process which enriches our experience of life. We just gotta learn how to lift ourselves up, and continue ascending, step by step.

 

Anyways, thanks soo much for your input guys, and especially Scout. You clearly give mature and experienced perspectives. And that is invaluable. Much appreciated!

 

Soulfully Yours,

Peace.

[jmh1216]

You don't really mention her reasons for breaking up with you. It seems from your post that things were great and then she dumped you completely out of the blue. If that's what happened, how can you look back on this girl and remember all the good times you shared? How can you look back fondly without feeling extremely angry, resentful, and confused about this girl who led you to believe that your relationship was great one minute, and who ended it the next? I would feel so confused and untrusting if such a thing happened to me... and I just don't know how you did it.

 

You'll get through it, I'm sure. You'll find happiness.

[Soulfully]

Oh yes indeed my friend. I felt incredibly confused... still am kinda confused. It was one hell of a quick change of "heart". I still remember the last night I slept at her flat when everything seemed perfect. A few days earlier she had just given me a copy of her flat keys because she wanted to! hehe. Weird. What followed after that last night was a sort of distancing from her, or at least that's how i perceived it. Mind you, I must say that I probably contributed to the breakup. I was used to seeing her everyday, or if not at least one every two days, in which i frequently slept at her place. Anyways, to cut the story short, I felt that she was distancing herself from me ... yet in her opinion I was starting to get too clingy and attached, something which I have come to realise that I was probably guilty of. However, in such a state of "loveliness", where ur girlfriend writes letters to you telling you her most profound feelings and insecurities ... that she is scared that one day I will abandon her, or find someone else ... that she feels too lucky for this to be true ... that she fears too much that I will break her heart by leaving her (great irony) ... yet she had no other option but to fight her fears and trust that I would always love her ... and in her own words "give you my heart so that you can either turn it into the happiest heart ever, or destroy it into a thousand pieces forever".

 

Yes, the irony is that she ended dumping me, and destroying my heart into a thousand pieces. So...why did she leave me? Who really knows! maybe she didnt really feel anything for me and it was all lies. Maybe she felt too much pressure for me...yet I would argue against that, since i was not being clingy except for when she asked me for some space and time (a week before she dumped me). Yes indeed, i felt so scared and broken hearted cos i've heard this before, and i knew where this was heading towards. So perhaps I did act somewhat clingy or desperate at that moment ... i suppose i let my emotions and fear get the better of me there. Who knows.

 

Well, i know that my ex does have many personal issues to solve. She was and probably still is going to regressive therapy, which apparently unlocks unconscious childhood traumas that give rise to certain behavioural disorders. I still remember the night in which she called me after a tough session she had, in which she recalled an extremely hurtful childhood traumatic experience involving her alcoholic father, who left her family when she was still very young. We could definitely say that she comes from a very dysfunctional family ... alcoholic father with "dangerous behaviours" that abandoned her when she was still at a tender age, a mother who neglected her since she was a child etc... She sees her mother as a friend now, instead of a geniune mother. Anyways, issues that definitely affected her immensely, and probably still are. She let me into her most deep fears and experiences, with which she only had shared with her therapist obviously. And that made me feel even closer to her ... my love for her had reached another level at that point ... i felt i had bonded with her at a deeper level. I supported her, gave her all the love i had, showed all the affection she needed through the tought moments. And that I was not going to abandon her.

 

Anyways, before this gets to long and u guys fall asleep ... about a month later after she dumped me, she started going out with this other guy, whom she had previously rejected to date a long time ago. And apparently she is very happy with him and is on that lovely high which newly couples experience hehe. Oh oh oh, love is one tricky concept, emotion, experience... whatever it is. So what is left for me? hehe, nothing except for the memories. I will treasure them forever ... I still love her ... its been almost 3 months, and I still care for her like I did when we bonded so tightly. But what can I do? nothing. NC is the way forwards. or perhaps a little contact so that u can gain perspective of what is happening in her life and how that still affects you, i.e. im glad of knowing she is happy with someone else now. I was terribly hurt and in pain with that piece of information, yet better now than a few months later down the line. It helps to speed your healing process.

 

People, fellow broken hearts, especially with those who's exes are with someone else... lets move on, continue living our lives, caring for those who really need it right now be it family, friends etc... Lets be positive about the past, the present and the future. A positive outlook and attitude to everything in life makes a big difference. And believe me, everybody will notice, you will notice ... positivity breeds positivity. Lets geniunely smile at people around us, lets help each other, lets love life and all it has to offer, even the ups and downs. Lets be in tune with the universe cos we're all one, we're all the same thing, sub-atomic particles vibrating at different levels, and love is the perfect harmony of the universe, the perfect vibration that guides us through our path. Ok, im getting carried away ... its probably the lack of sleep hehe.

 

After the fear, the anger, the hate, the mourning, the aching of the heart etc... all we have left to start feeling is love again. And to do that, we need to challenge ourselves to forgive ourselves firstly, forgive those that hurt us, be it intentionally or unintentionally, and start loving life again. Let that energy guide you, and one day we will be there again ... let the hands of fate unfold peacefully. Let urself flow, and when you start flowing in the energy of love for life, you will know that you're on the right path. And if your ex doesn't appear in that path, somebody else as magical will do, and you will be able to continue dancing with your true love in the harmony of universal love.

 

Damn, Im delirious hehehhe. Yet I wish I could feel like this all the time! hehehe.

 

Soulfully yours,

Peace and Love.

[Scout]

It sounds like this girl is "in love with being in love" and gets an actual high off the new relationship buzz.

 

Make sure you don't have that same tendency, too. It's a dangerous behavior that clouds our perceptions when we first get involved with people, and we take things waaaaaaaaay to fast, make assumptions right off the bat that they are "perfect", and generally set ourselves up for a horrible crash to the ground.

 

Intensity is not necessarily an indicator of true love. Be careful in the future.

[shockeddismayed]

 

Intensity is not necessarily an indicator of true love. Be careful in the future.

 

Such an excellent point.

 

You need to experience that a few times the hard way to realize it.

[Scout]

Yeah, unfortunately that's how I found out.

[Soulfully]

Yes, it could be that she is "in love of being in love". And its definitely true that intensity is not necessarily an indicator of true love! I had never experienced such an intense relationship, and all that Scout says is probably true for this case. Before she met me, she had gone almost 2 years without being in a relationship with anyone. Pretty similar in my case. So when we met, it seemed that everything just clicked ... that destiny had placed two people in similar "love" situations together. And we thought that we were prepared for something serious this time, instead of our past failed relationships, which weren't that many to be honest...i mean, we're still very young ... me 23, she 22. So you can imagine. Anyways...as time passed our clouded perfections of each other were slowly melting away, yet we both knew that we werent perfect, but accepted each other for who we were. Through mutual friends we both felt that we were incredibly fortunate to meet someone that would accept us the way we were and that it was definitely worth it to work for our relationship. Yet I suppose she was probably lying to herself, and consequently, to me.

 

Damn it, it still hurts hehe! Dear dear...but what is one to do? All I can do is to let go bit by bit of this hurtful experience. It just seems annoying that past experiences hadnt been that hurtful ... i mean, i had been dumped before, and i have done the dumping too. But I was younger, more immature and naive, and probably more clueless to the whole world of relationships. But this one has hurt bad bad hehe. But u know what... life goes on, and i will just have to challenge myself to let go of these emotions and feelings day by day, cos its not healthy for me, and it does absolutely nothing at all to her obviously hehe.

 

Anyways, the reality is that, we are both very young, and are just starting to find ourselves. We still need to experience many things in life, more relationships, cherish the positive and learn from the negative. And I suppose that all this is about the learning process in life. Until we arent closer to find ourselves properly and loving ourselves fully, I suppose that we will continue making mistakes and getting into relationships that will probably not work out. Who knows! Yet i suppose that sometimes we need to make these mistakes to finally realise. So these experiences do seem to have a purpose after all. Shame that some of us will be hurt really badly along the way, but i suppose that this hurt may sometimes be necessary aswell, but hopefully all this hurt will make us stronger, complete and ready for a truly healthy relationship.

 

So, i´ll just let go... breathe... and live. My ex? well... hopefully and most probably she´ll be living well and happily. Hopefully her new relationship will be more successful than ours. But I get a feeling (hopefully not evil wishful thinking from my part hehe) that in general, the ages known between 18-26+ are pretty rocky times for relationships. The times to experience and learn. Mind you, its clear that emotional rockiness in relationships doesnt have age restrictions, yet i get a feeling that very few people really know what they want in love and relationships in their early-mid twenties. It all seems to be like a big cloud of confusion. But if we move one, learn to forgive, learn from our mistakes aswell, i suppose that bit by bit, the clouds will start dispersing, and maybe then will we starting getting closer to the meaning of true love.

 

Thanks a lot for all your responses people.

 

Soulfully Yours,

A healing heart that aims to continue to challenge itself to stand up again after every fall.