It's coming back to haunt me

[kittysaysmeow]

I'm sorry if this is a long thread, it's my first time writing it out.

 

When I was 15, I was raped repeatedly by my first boyfriend. He was violent and verbally abusive. Manipulative. I broke up with him after 1 year and he proceeded to stalk me. Terrorize me. Eventually it stopped when the police told him to knock it off.

 

I have only told a few ex-boyfriends. My parents, my friends - no one knows. I though I could get over it. I thought I could "not be a victim" and move forward with my life. It was really about just ignoring my past and keeping it a secret. I was able to make it through university and I'm gainfully employed and very successful in my career.

 

But it will be 15 years this year and it's coming back to haunt me in a big way. I suppose it never went away. I was just able to suppress it before. I've been calling in sick lately because I can barely get out of bed. I feel suicidal a lot of the time. I cry almost every day. My "bad" days are happening more often than my "good" days.

 

My boyfriend says it's time to talk about it. To tell my counsellor - someone. But I'm scared. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm scared that if I admit to it, it will consume what's left and I'll never get out of it again. I'm just really afraid. I'm also mad. I'm mad at my parents for not noticing. I'm mad at my friends for not noticing. I'm mad at everyone that didn't stop it. But I know in my heart that they couldn't have. I was so good at covering it up.

 

I keep thinking about it. Thinking about him. It won't stop.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for on this forum. I don't know what I need to do. I suppose I just need advice.

[camus154]

Honestly I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I can tell you this. No one is going to not believe you. Sadly, this happens far too often to far too many people.

 

There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. I think going to counseling and getting this out will probably be very hard--and very relieving for you. I wish you the best.

[chitown9]

Wow! You are missing work because of this? Get to a therapist ASAP. The last thing that you need right now is to loose your job.

[WindowTo]

Instead of being ashamed of your pain and making it 10x worse for yourself realize that the people in your life will not see it as a weakness but something that can happen to anyone. It is your trauma that is making you feel terrible not the content of your character. You are probably scared that everyone will know this and think you are weak or pathetic, but this is never how it really looks from the outside. Embrace the events that happened to you in the sense that you should acknowledge that the shame you feel is an emotional side effect from the trauma and not some personal flaw so you can start to receive healing from the people around you.

[Gracelove]

Kittysaysmeow!

 

Hey There!

 

I can totally relate to you! I was in an abusive relationship, and my ex stalked me as well. It's horrible I completely understand.

 

It's important that you tell everyone. At least your closest family, if you surpress it, it will drive you into madness. I don't know how you were able to surpress it this long.

 

It's a difficult thing to recover from, I almost went crazy myself but that was shortly after our relationship ended. The stalking continued while I sought therapy.

 

What are you having the most difficulty with? Are you having nightmares? Or are you thinking of it all the time? Like, what's the thing that's really getting to you at this point? What is on your mind most of the time? Are you having a lot of flashbacks?

[kittysaysmeow]

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses thus far.

 

Gracelove - I'm thinking about it all the time. Sometimes I'll watch something on tv and someone will look like him which makes me think of the rape, etc. I'm actually having a lot of anxiety about telling someone about it. I have an appointment with my counsellor at the end of the month so I hope to be able to admit it to her then and I guess go from there. I feel really ashamed that I kept it in for so long but I don't know any other way to live - if that makes sense.

 

I feel guilt, ashamed, stupid, weak. I know I'm not any of those things but I don't believe it, you know? I know that it's making me physically sick along with my psychological symptoms. I know it's time to deal with everything that happened. It's just...really, really scary.

[Gracelove]

Hey There!

 

I understand that feeling. It's awful when you can't seem to control your thoughts.

 

You should definitely tell your therapist, that's super important.

 

I know I also used to have trouble seeing things on television. If I saw someone that looked like my rapist it would drive me insane. It seemed like talk of rape was everywhere. It seemed like I couldn't watch television or search the net without running into that subject matter. So I totally get that.

 

It takes time honestly. And it is very hard. Right now the main reason you're having difficulty is because of the suppression. You just have to let it all out. It's not an easy process, but you can't get better if you don't.

 

Letting it all out, doesn't solve the problem right away, it's just a stage.

 

I still have things I'm dealing with; I'm just at a different stage. I'm not tortured by everything on a regular basis. I feel quite normal. I have down days, but it's much better.

 

I just want you to know that I understand; it is really scary. When I think of issues I still have to resolve, it scares me as well. Often times I try to avoid it, because I've made a lot of progress, and I'm afraid of the unknown.

 

It's going to hurt. These things always do, that's the sad part. You are going to hurt, yet again. You just have to stay strong, and believe that everything will be okay in the end.

 

I just want to give you so many hugs, and encourage you. I know it's not easy at all.

 

Just take baby steps. Tell your therapist first, and then your therapist can help you to tell your family. A therapist had to help me as well.

 

Don't feel stupid. I almost laugh saying that, because I felt stupid for sooooo long, LOL! I hope you get to a place where you realize that you are not stupid. Just because something bad happened to you, it doesn't mean it happened because you're stupid.

It's just the way of life. Women are raped and abused. Not all women of course, but many, all through-out history. That doesn't mean women are stupid, or that you're stupid. Sadly, it's just life. You can't blame yourself for that. You just can't because, it's not true.

 

I get the shame part. Being raped is embarrassing. It's degrading. It's something you never want to talk about, or tell to anyone. Because it makes you look bad. At least that's how I felt. I mean it's something you want to keep private, because it's more convenient if it didn't happen.

The only problem is that keeping it a secret...it will completely destroy you and your future.

 

I don't know, just hang in there.

 

Go to therapy, and take it one day at a time. I can tell you, from personal experience, that after a while, when you see someone who looks like your rapist, it won't be super devastating. There will come a time, when you will be able to manage, and it won't freak you out.

 

I know that sometimes it's like a never-ending nightmare, but it won't always be that way.

 

I'm just really sorry. I know how it feels.

 

*Hugs*

 

Don't give up.

[kittysaysmeow]

Gracelove - your last post has been the most comforting thing I have read. Thank you so much. You have helped me more than you'll ever know. It feels good to know I'm not alone and it can get better.

[Gracelove]

Aww! You're so sweet! I'm so glad I was able to help, that means so much to me. I hope you're having a better day today. *Hugs*Hugs*Hugs*